“No, no, don’t worry.”
“Is that your file?” Michelle asked.
“Oh yes.” Leigh handed the file to Michelle with a shaky hand and scanned the room. The same comforting posters and encouraging quotes were on the walls.
“Thank you. Please sit, make yourself comfortable,” the counselor said, laying the file on the table next to the other documents already in place.
Leigh sat across from Lise, unable to tear her eyes away. She couldn’t be more than fifteen, and Leigh’s heart went out to the girl in the sundress and sandals, a light Windbreaker draped across her lap. She knew from reading the information Michelle had left that Lise was a high-school student struggling to finish her diploma with the hopes of going to law school. The file had revealed that despite using protection, Lise had conceived the baby with her current boyfriend—a high-school senior whose parents were now forbidding him to have contact with her.
It angered Leigh that the boy’s parents could be so narrow-minded as to think that Lise had gotten into this situation on her own. But Lise and her boyfriend had made the decision to not raise this baby so they could still have a chance at a future they wanted for themselves. To her, a decision like that took courage and she respected the girl across from her for her strength.
“Okay, where would you two like to start? Lise, would you like to ask Leigh your questions first?” Michelle asked, sitting in another armchair.
“Okay.” She took a folded piece of paper from her jacket pocket. “So, I just had a few...”
Leigh nodded. Waiting to take the bar exam couldn’t be as hard as this.
“I know you live in a small town and own a day care. Do you plan on staying in Brookhollow permanently?”
“Yes, I do. Brookhollow has always been home. I have great friends and family there. I have no reason to move. As I explained to Michelle, my childhood consisted of a lot of traveling—my parents are missionaries—and, well, I would want my child...our child...” What was the correct term? “The baby to have more stability,” she said.
“That’s good. I like the idea of Ava growing up in a small town. Big cities scare me.”
“Ava?” The baby was a girl? And her name was Ava? She couldn’t help her surprise. She’d assumed that she would have the opportunity to name the baby...or at least be a part of the decision. Not being able to carry a baby to term, feel the life growing inside of her and being the first to hold the child after it was born was all hard enough...now this, too, had happened without her. She forced a breath. It didn’t matter. What mattered was that in a few weeks she could have a baby girl.
“Yes, sorry, Leigh. I didn’t mention it on the phone because it’s at the discretion of the biological mother to reveal the sex of the child before the birth...as it sometimes affects the adoptive parents’ decision.” Michelle glanced between the two women.
“Did you want a girl?” Lise’s face creased in worry as she asked.
A girl, a boy, it hadn’t mattered, she’d just wanted a child of her own, but now hearing that this baby was a daughter, she realized how much she had been hoping for a little girl. “Yes, very much,” she choked out.
The young woman’s face lit up. “Do you want to see her?”
See her? The trembling of her hands that had temporarily subsided returned and she clasped them tightly on her lap. “You have an ultrasound picture?” Leigh’s voice was barely more than a whisper and she wasn’t sure how she’d managed any sound at all.
Lise retrieved the black-and-white image from her personal file on the table. “I leave it here in the file. It makes things a little easier than carrying it around with me,” she said sadly.
Tears brimmed in Leigh’s eyes, moved as she was by the girl’s courage. She couldn’t imagine how incredibly scared and nervous she must be going through this process. She was twice this teenager’s age and she was getting a baby, not giving one up, and she often found it hard to breathe whenever she thought about what they were doing.
“Here it is.” Lise extended the photo.
“Is it okay if I sit here?” she asked, moving to the love seat on Lise’s nod of approval. “Oh my...” She covered her mouth with her hand at the blurry yet distinct image of the baby—Ava—curled in a tiny ball. Her tiny hand was balled and her barely visible thumb was in her mouth.
“She’s beautiful,” Lise whispered, her eyes glued to the picture in Leigh’s hand.
“I couldn’t agree more,” Leigh said, staring at the image. This baby, this little girl, could be her child in a short few weeks. The room swam a little as she couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. What if Lise decided she wasn’t the right one to be a part of their lives? She felt as though she already was. Michelle had warned her, but nothing could have prepared her for the anxiety over the unknown.
Michelle leaned forward, and handed tissues to both women on the love seat, dabbing her eyes with one as well.
Composing herself, Leigh cleared her throat. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be, this is just the beginning of the tears, I assure you. This process is tough in the beginning, but it does get easier for everyone, I promise,” Michelle added.
“Did you have other questions?” Leigh asked Lise, pulling her gaze from the photo momentarily.
“Yes, one. Um...the file says you’re not married.”
“I’m divorced. My ex-husband and I separated four years ago. We had tried for years to have a family of our own and when that wasn’t possible, Neil ended the marriage,” Leigh said.
“Do you think now that you might have a child, you two might get back together?” The hope in her eyes reminded Leigh so much of the hope she’d held on to for a long time after the divorce. Hope that had made it impossible to move on. Hope she’d learned to let go of.
“No. He’s remarried now with two kids and another one on the way.” She was surprised how the words weren’t as hard to say as she would have thought.
“Oh.” The girl was clearly disappointed. “I was kind of hoping the baby would have two parents.”
The image of Logan flashed into her mind; she shook her head. Panic made her talk quickly. “That would be ideal, no doubt...but I can assure you, Ava would have the most loving adoptive parent and a wide circle of family and friends who would love her unconditionally.” Leigh wasn’t sure what else to say. And ultimately, there was nothing she could say to sway Lise’s decision. The girl would make the choice she thought was right.
“Lise, would you like to show Leigh your birth-mother letter?” Michelle said.
Lise nodded.
“Birth-mother letter?” Leigh asked.
“Yes. Some mothers choose to write their feelings, their reasons for the adoption, their fears and hopes in a letter. It’s often easier than saying the words out loud.”
“Oh, okay,” Leigh said as Lise handed her a piece of pink paper, torn on the ends and stained with small round circles. Teardrops.
Without even reading a word, Leigh felt her chest aching. This letter hadn’t been easy for Lise to write, and she suspected it was going to take every ounce of her own strength to read it. “Can I take a minute?” she asked, feeling light-headed. In her excitement, she hadn’t stopped to fully contemplate or understand how emotionally draining it would be.
“Of course,” Michelle said. “Take all the time you need.”
Lise reached across and placed a hand on Leigh’s and the strength and comfort she found in the gesture gave her the courage to read.
Dear Baby Girl,
More than anything, please know that I love you. And that is why I want to give you this chance at a life I can’t give you. Among my biggest fears is that you will think that I gave you up because I was a bad person, a selfish person. I know I have thought those things of myself. But the truth is, to prevent you from having th
e beautiful life you deserve would be selfish and wrong. I still feel like a child myself and in many ways I cannot care for you in the way you need. Through open adoption, I can be your friend and maybe someday someone you can respect and understand as having made this very difficult choice for you. I will watch you grow and develop into the incredible person you already are, and I will be proud that I was able to bring such a beautiful person into this world. I love you.
Love,
Your birth mom
The tears rolling down Leigh’s face made it difficult to read the last line, but as she wiped her cheeks and handed back the letter, she quickly enveloped the young girl in a hug. She didn’t move and neither did Lise as the tears fell.
* * *
THE CONNECTION WAS slower than usual. Or maybe she was just more impatient than usual. Either way she was desperate to see her parents on the screen, and it couldn’t happen fast enough. The email she’d received from her mother earlier that day had said they were both available to chat that evening, and this time she was excited to share her news with them. The visit with the birth mother, Lise, had gone so well.
Her heart went out to the teenager and the tough choice she was making, and an unmistakable friendship had developed between them in that room.
The video chat screen opened and her parents’ chins appeared. Leigh laughed. “Hey, guys! Nice chins.”
“What?”
“Huh?”
“Move back from the screen.” You wouldn’t know this wasn’t their first time. Brilliant, successful medical professionals and they couldn’t figure out a webcam to save their lives.
A second later, she could see them both. Or at least half of each of their faces—good enough.
“Hi, sweetheart, sorry I had to rush off last week,” her dad said.
“It’s okay, Dad. I’m glad you were free tonight, because I have some exciting news.” Without pausing for a breath, she continued on, afraid the insecure connection would fail or her father’s pager would once again delay the news. “It’s a little premature...but...if everything goes well...you two are going to be grandparents.” She paused and waited for the news to sink in.
The half of her mother’s face she could see was blank. “You’re pregnant?” she asked.
A natural assumption and one she should have expected, yet her mother’s words still made her stomach knot. “No. I’m planning to adopt.”
“Adopt?” Her father looked confused. “Like a baby?”
Leigh repressed the urge to roll her eyes. “No, Dad, a puppy. Yes, a baby.” She hoped the exasperation in her voice wasn’t as obvious over the computer.
“That’s wonderful.” Her mother finally produced the smile she’d been waiting for, but her polite tone was one she would have expected if she’d been revealing her news to an acquaintance. “When did you decide to do this?”
Leigh experienced a pang of guilt. A long time ago. “A little while ago.”
“Those processes can take a long time, can’t they?” Her father still sounded unsure.
“They can, but the agency has already placed my file on an upcoming adoption list. I met the mother of the child this morning. She’s a teenager who plans to go to law school. She’s smart and brave and wonderful....”
Her mother’s smile faded. “You met her?”
Had they heard anything beyond that? “Yes. It will be an open adoption.”
“I’m not sure what that means.” Her father leaned closer until she could just see one penetrating eye behind his glasses.
“It means that the baby will always know that she was adopted. She’ll have contact with her biological parents as well, if they want contact, but she’ll be raised by...” Her. The realization was overwhelming. “Me,” she said.
Her parents were silent.
She waited.
The silence continued.
“Say something!” This was amazing news she’d just shared with them. Sure, it was a lot to take in, but excitement was the appropriate response to this. Why couldn’t her down-to-earth, practical parents just for once show the emotion she needed from them?
“This is great, sweetheart. Really, it is. Forgive us, it’s just a surprise, that’s all,” her mother said.
“Yes, it is...and, as your mother said, it is great news,” her father said slowly.
She felt a but coming on. “But?”
“No, no buts.... I just... Are you sure you’re done trying to have one on your own?” her father asked.
Her mother scowled at him. “Alan, don’t be so insensitive.”
“It’s okay, Mom. Dad, each time I lost a baby, I lost a piece of myself.” No one could possibly understand the pain of losing a child. Even one she’d never even held. “I’m turning thirty-nine in a couple of months and there are no men in sight.” Except one who would be gone soon to piece together the home he couldn’t lose. “This is what I want,” she said without reservation.
“Well, then, sweetheart, I’m happy for you. Just be careful. I’d hate to see you disappointed again,” he said.
“I will, Dad.” She fought the deflation she felt. This was a great thing. This was what she wanted.
“Oh, and speaking of good news, we have some of our own,” her mother said. Leigh couldn’t help noticing that it seemed like an attempt to change the subject.
Those were her parents. She sighed and forced a smile. “What’s up?”
“We’re coming home next month.”
Her eyes widened. “Really? I thought you were there until Christmas.” This trip had been particularly long. They’d been stationed in South Africa for over a year, and only visited once.
“We are, but we decided to come home for Thanksgiving,” she said.
Leigh smiled. “That’s great. How long will you be home?”
“Just for Thanksgiving,” her father said.
What did just for Thanksgiving mean? “You mean a weekend?”
“Just the day.”
“One day? Are you serious? You’re flying all the way from Africa for one day?” The travel time alone would take longer than their visit.
“Yes. I wouldn’t, but your mom is homesick,” her father said.
Leigh knew her father’s priority in life had always been his missionary work. He accomplished such great change for the communities he visited, that his altruistic nature wasn’t something anyone could criticize. But her mother hadn’t known she was signing on for a lifetime of constant travel.
“Well, it’ll be great to have you home, even if it is just a day,” she said. Especially if she had her baby by then. She knew once her parents saw the child, they would forget their reservations.
“We should go now, honey, but we’ll talk again soon.” Her mother blew her a kiss through the screen and her father waved.
“Okay, love you, bye,” she said as the connection closed.
She sat staring at the screen for a long moment, waffling between annoyance and disappointment. Really, what had she expected from them? She’d barely seen them in the past twenty-four years. They hadn’t been in Brookhollow when she suffered through the miscarriages or the devastating divorce. For that matter, they hadn’t even made it to her wedding. Her grandmother had walked her down the aisle and given her away. They might be her parents and she knew they loved her, but the support she needed would come, as it always did, from Grandma Norris.
Picking up her cell phone, she dialed the bakery, knowing that though it was after five, Ginger would still be there, preparing the dough for the morning. She rarely left the bakery before seven each night. At her age.
“We’re closed. Call back in the morning,” her grandmother said after the fourth ring. She sounded tired and more than a little grumpy—not her usual self.
“It’s me, Grandma.
” No doubt her grandmother hadn’t recognized her cell number on the call display. The older woman refused to own a cell phone or use one.
“Thank goodness. I’ve been taking orders for Thanksgiving pumpkin pies all day. I swear people start placing their orders earlier each year, and I don’t understand why. It’s not like I can bake them in advance. If I could, I would. Everything okay, darling?”
“Everything is great,” she said, feeling some of her original excitement return. “I have wonderful news.”
* * *
LOGAN WALKED INTO THE community hall the next evening and scanned the room for Leigh. She’d insisted on meeting him here, after much persuasion to even attend. Clearly, she didn’t want this evening to be misconstrued as a date. He should be thinking as clearly as she was. After all, he was the one who couldn’t move forward with her. In no uncertain terms. He’d only known her for less than three weeks. How could he trust his own response to her when he’d proven to be such a great judge of character with his ex-girlfriend?
Across the room, he spotted her. He blinked. At least he thought it was her. She wore a floor-length black dress with a deep slit in the side, and her dark hair curled around her shoulders. He had to move closer, squinting in the dim lighting, to be sure she was the same woman who’d helped him figure out a new series ending.
She turned as he approached, and she smiled, clearly relieved to see him. “Hi.”
“You look amazing.” He leaned in and kissed her cheek, feeling her stiffen as her gaze swept the room around them.
She tugged at the tight fabric along her hips. “I haven’t worn this dress in a million years.... I can’t believe you talked me into coming.”
“It’s not the dress, it’s you, and stop fussing with it.” Draping an arm around her waist, he said, “I still don’t understand how you live in this town with the people you grew up with and see every day, and yet you feel uncomfortable at events like this.” While he’d initially been opposed to the idea of playing such an integral role in that evening’s events, he had to admit he was looking forward to it now.
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