by N. K. Love
“Whatever Jax.” She sounds deflated. “Unlike you, I don’t appear to have a private life. Or rather, I do but for some reason I don’t feel the dying need to keep it from you. Honestly, the hypocrisy is unreal. I’ve lived with you for nearly a week and we’ve spent literally days and nights joined at the hip yet I basically know fuck all about you. You share nothing, noth-ing. But you’re quite happy to invade my privacy without thinking for a moment that I might be ‘so touchy’… Have I ever pried or pressured you into talking to me about your life?”
“Where’s this going B?”
“Just answer me please.” I have never seen her look so defeated.
“No, you haven’t and that’s…”
She’s still on a roll. “No, I haven’t and that’s out of respect. I respect you, your privacy and the boundaries you’ve set. I know what makes you uncomfortable, so I don’t even go there. In fact, this isn’t even about my stupid shitty poems any more. It’s about you recognising that this ‘thing’ that we’re doing here… it’s pretty fucking one sided. All and nothing, I seem to bare all and…”
Now it’s my turn to be offended and stop her in her tracks.
“Oh wait, and what, I give nothing? I invited you into my bed… to help you out…”
Dick move dickhead.
“And there we have it Jax! It’s what epitomizes everything! You instantly assume I’m talking ‘physically’ but it’s not it’s ‘emotionally’.” Now she’s up on her feet, wrapping her arms around herself protectively, she walks over to the windows. “I don’t blame you, this is on me if I’m honest. I knew what you were about and I’ve still let myself fall—fall into the trap of believing it could be different. That our friendship meant more...”
I’m not sure how to respond. I don’t ever have to deal with disagreements or arguments or emotions, especially not in my own house. Last time we had words, in the kitchen, I just walked away from it. But this time she’s upset and I’ve hurt her feelings. Plus, she makes a good point! And it doesn’t look as though she’s finished yet…
“Anyway—are you trying to tell me that the sexual side is purely for my benefit, like I’m some—some pussy project of yours?!”
I would laugh but I can hear the anger resurfacing to team up with the hurt and irritation that’s already there. I know she’s goading me to talk but I still don’t know what to say. In the car I was thinking that I need to give her more but I don’t know how. I do know that I trust her and that speaks volumes because my trust is sacrosanct.
“Look, when we had sex the first time it was instigated by me wanting to show you that your insecurities were all in your head. So it was to help you but I think it was obvious that I was in my element too. Each time since, in my eyes, it’s been mutually satisfying. We have incredible sex B—that’s a fact. It’s also no secret that I’m a very private man with everybody so don’t be offended that I don’t ‘share’ things with you... What exactly do you want to know anyway?”
Shaking my head, I know I’ve just baited myself for the taking… A part of me does want to meet her in the middle though so I guess I’ve subconsciously put myself in the firing line.
Beth comes and sits beside me, taking my hand.
“Okay… Despite the fact this is going to make me sound like some kinda freakin’ obsessive bunny boiler. These are actually just normal questions that wouldn’t have built up and lingered between us if you were more forthcoming. Right, where shall I start?... Where were you tonight? Why do you have so many scars? What are they from?... Why do you randomly disappear at night without saying where you’re going? Are you seeing other women?...”
“Oookay—”
She squeezes my hand not letting me interrupt her flow.
“Why don’t you like to talk about your life before 24/7? Do you have any family? Where do they live? Why don’t you like having girlfriends?...Erm…”
I cover her mouth with my free hand, muffling her voice. “Okay, okay, Officer Taylor, point made.” She leans back and bites my little finger hard. “I hope you’re gonna suck that better Angel.” She lets go.
“Don’t even try to deflect Jaxson. Not happening.”
“Always so tenacious aren’t you.”
I begin rubbing my head back and forth with my hands. I need to try and answer her questions as best I can. In fact, no, I don’t need to. If it was anybody else, I’d tell them to go fuck themselves and mind their own business. But, it’s not just anybody, it’s Beth. She’s different, she’s special. I actually want to try and ease her confusion about me.
This is so fucking far outside of my comfort zone. Give me physical challenges over this shit any day of the week. Beth’s gone quiet but I don’t think she’s actually expecting me to answer many of her questions. Here goes.
“I had to drive to Wolverhampton to meet a guy but it was a wasted journey so I’ve gotta go back tomorrow night. The scars are from fighting and training, but mostly fighting. I fight as and when I find it necessary.” Fuck, I’ve no idea how that sounds but it’s the truth. Not the whole brutal truth, but the truth nevertheless. “Since we spoke in Tricks I haven’t had sex with anybody else. My life before moving here is private and that will always be the case, so you can give that one a rest…” I gesture for her to remind me of the other questions. She whispers ‘family’. “Yes, I do have a family, mainly back in London, but I cut myself off from them when I moved here… to start a new life… And I don’t have girlfriends because I want a simple life with nobody to answer to or complicate things. I’m not, have never been and never want to be ‘boyfriend material’. A relationship just wouldn’t work, which suits my life perfectly. Oh and some bonus information to prove to you how much I trust and respect you… I can’t have children so it’s a good job I’m more of a recluse than a family man. And, other than being on my medical record, nobody else in the world knows that nugget of infomation but you.”
“Oh.”
Her eyes darts all over my face, searching for something whilst processing everything I’ve said. I hope she listened because I’m certainly not going to make a habit of this ‘sharing is caring’ bullshit. I’ve done it for her end of.
“Jax, for what possible reason would you find it necessary to fight people and put yourself in danger? Is it like illegal underground bare knuckle fist fighting for money?”
She refills her lungs after spitting out that overdramatic mouthful. She looks mortified at the possibility of it being true. God, she has no idea.
“B, it’s not some kinda fight club, no! Let’s just say it’s like… if somebody requires some… physical persuasion… or consequences for instance. It’s for the greater good and nobody gets hurt that doesn’t deserve it. I promise... Alright? Now that was the most information about myself that I’ve shared with anybody, so that’d better convince you that I do take our friendship—our relationship—seriously.”
I gesture pretending to zip my mouth up and make it obvious I’m trying to put this conversation to bed so we can follow suit.
“So you’re either gonna suck my finger better or I’m gonna read the rest of these. Which one will it be? Or maybe both?”
I shoot her a face full of teeth. She rewards my confessions and my ruthless persistence, with her beautiful soul healing smile.
“If you really want to—but please remember that these were written for my eyes only so if there’s something you don’t like—well, it’s tough. This is how I process things Jax. You hit the punch pad and I hit the notepad. Some of it’s not necessarily relevant anymore—things change. Feelings change.”
“I hear you and thank you.”
I lean over to her and place a heartfelt kiss onto her soft pouty lips and she reciprocates. I breathe her in and cradle her angelic face. I’ve missed her lips since the gym this afternoon. Pulling away I gain reassurance from her eyes. Those angry flames are completely extinguished and replaced with her lioness-like hazels.
Beth kisses my little finger
as I pick the notepad back up and find where I got to. We both glance down at the page and read two lines that she’s written separately, artistically sketched in two rippled waves across the paper.
This lost angel needs to find her wings and fly away
It’s her only chance to escape the sad and lonely grey
I look back up at her but she’s closed her eyes. She breathes in deeply as if she’s been zapped back into the place she was when she wrote this. It’s surprising how much raw emotion can be conveyed in two short lines. It’s so sombre.
When she opens her eyes and looks at me, tears well up but she tilts her head up to the timber beams to blink them away. Seeing her words must be like opening old wounds.
Beth squeezes my hand and says in a vulnerable whisper, ‘So… Just me then?’
I nod instantly. I knew that would come as a shock to her. She bites her lip nervously then ups and leaves. I understand her not wanting to sit with me and revisit this with me.
Okay here goes…
Don’t Blag A Blagger
I remember in the bath… masturbating
Now I’m in his kitchen mass debating
He is right I know, I’m totally in the wrong
The last thing I wanted was to play him along
This is so fucked up and I can’t pretend
To offer more, than being just his friend
I am undeserving, I’ve messed him about
Planted seeds of desire in a bed of doubt
Uncertain before, but now I know for sure
My husband even cheated, I’m so insecure
Why am I here? Why did I let this begin?
My instinct, my head and my heart can’t win
How my body aches for his hands to touch
And my lips ache to kiss him again so much
I’ve hidden the truth but I would never lie
Time to be honest and explain my reasons why
Jubi-fuckin-lated
Okay, I admit it, I was wrong beyond belief
And last night’s revelation is a huge relief
How can he make me so ridiculously at ease
As I look into his eyes from between my knees?
He offered, I accepted, now my worlds been rocked
The door to my confidence is finally unlocked
Recollecting us together, but not too much
I can’t fall into the trap of overthinking his touch
It is what it is, fucking amazing, full stop
Just enjoy the moment before the bubble goes ‘pop’
Stretching My Wings
Am I that confusing, or simply being confused?
I mention other men and it’s like his ego’s bruised
Slightly hypocritical when ‘no strings’ rules apply
He has given me my wings so shouldn’t I just fly?
Become a master dater, find somebody like me
Inexperienced, honest and simple…. Yippee!
Sounds great! Oh no, that’s me being sarcastic
If we lined up every man, I know who I’d pick
‘I am his angel, his dirty angel’
Backseats & Trees
What he does, what he did, means more than he’ll know
Feeling wanted and protected but here comes the blow
It’s time to accept it’s just fucking and friendship
That’s what he wants, no strings, no relationship
Maybe he’s right and I should pursue this path too
But I doubt it’ll lead to the happiness I knew
I feel as one when I’m with him, not lost and alone
He brings out a side of me that I’ve never known
Touching myself and tasting what he does to me
Feeling wanted and sexy, that’s how it should be
Front seat, then bent over, then backseat sex
I can’t get enough, aching to know what’s next
We left the party, a shadow cast over his soul
I know he uses sex to maintain his control
I somehow connect with his frustrations and pain
Can I make sunshine from black clouds and rain?
He takes back the reins, I bring him back to me
Breast to chest, mouth to mouth, back to tree
I’ve let him consume me with a power so strong
His mind, his eyes, his mouth… his talented tongue
I crave for every inch, every touch, every sound
How we lose ourselves so that we can truly be found
From when we first met I always knew he was intense
I’m glad I ignored my head and followed my sixth sense
Chapter Sixteen
Thursday 16th April 2015
12:27am
Beth
Keep walking, don’t call me back, keep walking.
God I had to get out of there. Aside from Jax’s equivalent to an information overload, I’ve just damn near burst into tears because I’m irrationally elated that he hasn’t slept with anybody since we spoke for the first time. I’m freaking out.
That is major for Jax. Isn’t it ironic that I’m the one who’s been with somebody else since Tricks? Almost laughable really. This crazy fact tells me that he knows there’s something unique between us. We were pulled together from the beginning, regardless of all obstacles in our way. We’ve made this happen somehow and there’s got to be a reason for that.
Is it destiny that our two ridiculously different paths have crossed and our lives have unpredictably collided, becoming entwined? Is it fate? Do I even believe in fate? I thought it was fate that I married my first love…
Tonight’s original plans were all about escaping reality, getting stoned whilst watching one of my favourite black comedies and inevitably getting naked and sweaty again but this time armed with condoms!
Instead, it’s turned into us both exposing our innermost thoughts, revealing things we’d never intended to. He answered all my questions but I was too chicken to ask the most important question of all; How do you feel about me?
As much as I try to absorb everything he’s just told me, I’m distracted by the fact that I can’t bloody remember what’s in those goddam poems. Even when I copied them down I didn’t pay much attention. It’s not what’s in them per se, I’d just rather feel prepared if he wants to talk about them later. What did I say about my feelings for him? Jesus this is completely Cringe City!
In fact, more importantly, what the fuck does he mean; ‘physical persuasion or consequences...’? Argh! I can’t do this here, in his house, surrounded by his things. I know it’s ridiculous because it’s after midnight but I’ve got my car now, I’ve got to get out of here.
Seeing my earphones on the bedside table, inspiration strikes. I put my kit bag together, grabbing my set of Wills’ house keys just in case I decide I need more time, more distance. I get changed into my running gear. It’s been about half an hour so he will have read everything by now. I’m just going to avoid any further conversation with him because I really don’t want to hear his critique on what I’ve written.
Swinging my bag over my shoulder I briskly walk downstairs like a woman on a mission. I clock him before he sees me as my trainers tread silently on his luxurious carpet. He is sitting in that familiar pose where he rubs his head back and forth. He is either deep in thought or agitated and I’m not going to hang around for round two.
“Hey, I know it’s late but I just need to get out of here for a bit. Clear my head, you know.”
I try to sound casual but I’m clinging onto the handles of my bag like the safety harness on a white knuckle rollercoaster. Jax stands in protest but I grab my car keys out the marble bowl on the side table and head for the front door determined.
“I’ll just be at the gym. I won’t be long and I’ve got my mobile with me.”
“B, I don’t want you driving, can’t you just stay and sort this out?” He waves the papers that he’s torn out in his hands. “These, your poems, they’re—�
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“Stop, please Jax. Don’t. I’ve gotta go, don’t wait up.”
And as confidently as I can, I leave the house and retrieve my car from the double garage. As I do so, I glance over at his car and notice a black balaclava and black leather gloves on the passenger seat. What the fuck? This just gets more and more fucked up by the second. I feel like I should go and confront him but there’s too much that’s already been said between us. This is just something else I need to digest.
When I get to 24/7 I’m greeted by a night security guard I’ve never met before. Somebody is smoking a cigarette nearby and it reminds me of where I should be now; getting stoned with Jax.
I grab a bottle of water from the vending machine and make my way to the changing room, thinking fondly about the lovely man that left a quirky note pinned under some dumbbell shaped fridge magnets; ‘B, thanks for #18, I look forward to returning the favour. Back about 11:30. You, me, a smoke and a film sounds good to me Angel. P.S. No chick flicks! G x’