“It’s not that simple.”
“I just want to know, yes or no.”
She said nothing.
“That’s my answer.”
“Reverend Bush, please—”
He held up his hand. It surprised her, the way he looked at her. With more disappointment than scorn.
Maybe it’s not over.
“I’ll give you twenty-four hours to tell Hosea.”
Her eyes widened. “No!”
He stared her down. Still, his glance held more regret than contempt.
“Reverend Bush, please. I can’t tell Hosea. I love your son.”
“Either you tell Hosea or I will.”
Think, Jasmine, think.
She needed time. Just a week, a day even—time to make a plan.
“All right, but please, Reverend Bush, let us take Jacqueline home. Then, I’ll tell him. At home. Not here.” She paused, and her eyes roamed around the hospital room.
His silence made her think she’d won her appeal.
“Twenty-four hours.” He glanced at his watch, said, “Tomorrow morning at eleven, I will call my son.”
Her heart stopped pounding. Stopped beating altogether. “No,” she whispered, as she fondled the diamond key around her neck.
With sad eyes he turned away and almost staggered out the door.
All afternoon, the nurse rolled Jacqueline into Jasmine’s room. All afternoon, Jasmine fed her baby, changed her, held her. And as she embraced her daughter, she prayed. And prayed. And prayed that God would pour out a miracle from heaven.
In between, Jasmine tried to sleep, but images accosted her, beating her down until she begged God for mercy.
But mercy never came. All she could see was the vision of Hosea, walking farther, farther away, until he was gone.
“No,” she whispered. She wouldn’t let him leave her.
“I need time,” she spoke to herself. At least she’d have all night. To sit, think. Devise the plan that would keep the promise that not until death would they part.
“Hey, darlin’.” His greeting came into the room almost before he did. “Did you get some rest?”
She sat up. Gripped the blanket as he kissed her.
“Sorry it took me so long to get back. Hey, I just saw Jacqueline,” he said. “She gets more gorgeous by the hour. And you know what? She grinned when she heard my voice.”
Her face smiled; her heart cried.
“I’m telling you, darlin’,” he paused, leaned forward. “We did good.” He added, “I was trying to figure out who she looks like.”
Oh, God.
“She has your eyes, but she definitely has my mouth.” He beamed. “So, did Dr. Edmonds say when we can break out? I want to take my girls home.”
“He said he’d see me in the morning.”
Hosea frowned. “I wanted to be here when you talked to him, but I have to be at the studio. I can be here by noon, though.”
By noon, Reverend Bush would have made the call that would send their marriage to death row. If Hosea had to know, she had to tell him. Only she could make him understand.
He said, “I can’t get out of the meeting.”
“That’s all right, I can talk to him,” Jasmine said, although her thoughts were nowhere near Dr. Edmonds.
“Okay. Well, you tell him that I want my girls home.” He glanced at his watch. “You know, they’re gonna be kicking me out of here any minute. I didn’t realize I’d spent so much time with Jacqueline, but I couldn’t help it.” He chuckled and kissed Jasmine’s forehead. “I can’t wait to be home with you and our baby.”
He didn’t seem to notice that she couldn’t speak.
“I hate leaving you here,” he said wrapping his arms around her. “Hate that I’m going to be in bed alone tonight.” He kissed her again. “I’ll call as soon as I get home.”
He was already moving to the door when she called his name.
He turned and her heart squeezed all hope from her. In his eyes, she saw all the love he held—for her, for Jacqueline. “Yes, darlin’.”
There was no way she could do this.
“I’ll give you twenty-four hours.”
She had to do this now.
“Jasmine, what’s wrong?” he asked stepping back reaching for her.
“There’s something—” She stopped. Looked down at her hands. Clasped them together and still they trembled.
Please, God. Give me the right words.
He sat on the edge of the bed again. “Jasmine?”
There were tears in her eyes when she said, “Hosea, I love you so much.”
He grinned. “Is that what you wanted to tell me? I know that. And, darlin’, you don’t have to cry about it. It’s just the hormones—you just had our baby.”
“Hosea,” she sobbed, “I love you and I would never do anything to hurt you—”
He took her hands, kissed her palms.
“—on purpose.”
He frowned.
“Hosea, when I met you my world changed.”
“For me too, darlin’.”
“But for me, you were so different. You talked about a celibate relationship. I’d never heard a man say that. I didn’t know men like you existed.”
“And aren’t you glad we waited?” he said.
“Yes, but still, what you wanted was so different for me. I thought sex had to be part of a relationship. I thought I needed sex to live, and I thought I definitely needed sex to love.”
He grinned. “Well then, you and I have quite a testimony.” He paused, turning serious. “I should do a show about this. How relationships really are better without sex before marriage.”
“Hosea.” But she could say no more. She couldn’t do this. She’d have to think of another way.
He pushed himself from the bed. “I want to sneak by the nursery and kiss Jacqueline good night.” He blew her a kiss. “See you tomorrow, darlin’.”
He walked toward the door.
“I’ll give you twenty-four hours…”
His hand grabbed the door handle.
“And then I’m calling my son…”
The door swung open.
“Hosea, I had an affair,” she blurted, as if it were one word.
He stopped, his back still to her. Nothing but silence, as the door swung closed.
Then, he faced her.
“What did you say?” His voice had changed. Was deeper now.
Her tonsils were swollen, stopping her words. But the way he glared at her, she knew she had to speak. “I had an affair. And the baby, our baby is not—” She stopped, choking on the next words.
“What about…Jacqueline?” His voice, another octave lower.
Her eyes searched his. Love was still there, though not as clear.
She pushed the words through her throat. “She’s not—you’re not—.”
She watched his Adam’s apple inch up, then back down. “What are you saying?”
She searched for just a few words that would capture it all. But when his eyes thinned to slits, she didn’t have to say any more.
“Are you saying that Jacqueline is not my daughter?”
She pressed her lips together, nodded.
“You cheated on me?”
“No,” she cried. “It was before. It was—” She stopped; she’d never reveal that it happened on the day he’d asked her to marry him. “It was before we were married, before we were engaged.” She reached for him, but he left her hands hanging in the air.
“I’m sorry.” She sobbed.
She watched the transformation. The way his face changed, from confusion to understanding. From bewilderment to despair.
“Hosea, I love you.”
Those words made the transformation complete; his face was painted with disgust.
“Please, give me a chance to explain.”
He shook his head. Didn’t say a word. Backed away. His eyes stayed on her, locking their glance. He continued his journey back toward t
he door. Farther, farther away from her. Until he was gone.
Just like in her dream.
Chapter 50
JANUARY 2005
Jasmine followed Malik into the apartment and the moment she stepped over the threshold, she held Jacqueline tighter.
“Where do you want me to put this?” Malik motioned to the baby carrier he held.
Jasmine nodded toward the couch.
She stood in the middle of the room, stiff, straight, feeling like she was in Oz. Wishing that a click of her heels could take her back to before.
Malik took Jacqueline from her arms and sat on the couch. Still Jasmine stood, until her brain demanded that her feet move.
She inched toward the bedroom, although she was sure what she would find. Her suspicions were confirmed: missing suitcases, clothes, toiletries. He’d left remnants, enough to prove he’d once been there. Not enough to confirm that he’d ever be back.
She returned to the living room and watched Malik cuddle Jacqueline—the way Hosea was supposed to.
She wept.
Malik rested Jacqueline in her carrier and then embraced Jasmine.
“Go ahead and say it,” she sobbed.
“This is not what I wanted.”
“I never wanted to tell him because I knew he would leave me.” She wiped her tears and fell onto the couch. “I have no idea where he is. I called his cell a million times yesterday, and called the studio so much, his assistant stopped answering.”
“This is tough, Jas. Give him time.”
“Time’s not going to fix this.”
“I think it will. But it’s not like he can say right now, ‘Oh, okay. She isn’t my baby. No problem.’ This is a lot for him to handle, but he’ll work it out.”
She fingered the diamond key still resting on her neck. “He’s never coming back.”
“You don’t know that.”
“The most important thing to Hosea is loyalty. And honesty. I betrayed him on both counts.”
Malik stayed quiet as if he’d run out of comforting words.
Jacqueline’s whimpers invaded her grief and Jasmine lifted her baby into her arms.
Malik sat next to Jasmine. “So, what’s next?”
Jasmine sighed. It had only been thirty-six hours since she’d been forced to tell the truth. She hadn’t given thought to anything beyond the hole her heart held. “I don’t know. We were going to start looking for a nanny this week. There were a lot of things…” Her voice trailed off. “Malik, what am I going to do?” she whispered as she rocked Jacqueline in her arms.
“You’re going to hang in there and we’re going to pray.”
“God doesn’t have a whole lot of reasons to help me right about now.”
“Just remember, Jas, Christ is all up in this forgiveness thing. If God can forgive you, Hosea can too.”
She kept his hope away from her heart and just rested in the comfort of his arms.
“I called Brian,” he said suddenly.
As she looked into her daughter’s face, she whispered,
“Please don’t tell me you told him.”
“Didn’t have to. I called because I wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to be a problem for you, but before I could say that, he told me that he didn’t want any trouble.” He paused. “He didn’t come out and say it, but I think he suspects.”
She smirked. “I guess he doesn’t want to mess up his happy home.”
“I’m sure.”
Jasmine allowed her thoughts to linger. She’d lost Hosea. Brian deserved to lose too. She could make him pay big-time and at the same time hand Alexis the ultimate “got-you-back.”
Jacqueline wiggled in her arms and when she settled, Jasmine kissed her forehead. In her daughter, she didn’t see revenge—only love. She didn’t see Brian—only Hosea.
“Malik, do you really think I can get Hosea back?”
She could feel him nod.
She snuggled deeper into his arms. Closer to his heart. She wanted to feel his hope.
Chapter 51
In her dreams, Jasmine heard the knock first.
Then, the baby’s cries, and her eyes popped open. “I’m right here,” she cooed over the bassinet, just as she’d been doing every hour or so all night.
She lifted her baby, and once again, heard the knock. Waited a moment, then the knock again. “Hosea,” she whispered. Holding Jacqueline close, she rushed to the door.
“Good morning, Jasmine Larson,” Mae Frances beamed. She stepped into the apartment. “Henrikas Babrauckas told me you had the baby. I’d wondered where you were for the past couple of days.”
Mae Frances peeked at the bundle Jasmine held and smiled. “I’m glad you had a girl. Isn’t she the cutest thing.”
Exhaustion had her eyes heavy, but still Jasmine found her smile. “Thanks, but I’ve got to clean up this cute little one.”
She hadn’t changed many baby’s diapers in her life, but the night’s practice almost had her perfect. As she held Jacqueline with one arm, she laid the changing pad on the couch, then rested her daughter down. Jasmine cleaned, changed, and had Jacqueline content with a bottle within minutes. All the time, Mae Frances stood, her hands folded, as if she were proud.
Jasmine tossed the blanket she used onto the floor and then settled on the couch. Mae Frances sat next to her.
“So,” Mae Frances began, “you slept out here all night?”
Jasmine sighed, wishing she’d never answered the door. She didn’t feel like sharing the state of her marriage. Didn’t feel like hearing any more of Mae Frances’s thoughts on men. “Yes.” Then, she added the lie, “It worked better for Hosea—”
“Hosea?” Mae Frances interrupted. “The preacher man didn’t sleep here last night,” she said as if the entire city knew this fact. “I saw him stomp out with a couple of bags and a glare on his face that said he was never coming back.”
Inside, Jasmine moaned. Never coming back. She lowered Jacqueline into the bassinet.
“Guess he found out about the baby,” Mae Frances probed.
Jasmine faced her neighbor. “Yes. I told him.”
Mae Frances raised her eyebrows. “Why did you do that?”
“His father found out,” Jasmine said simply, “just like your father-in-law did. So, I didn’t have a choice.”
Mae Frances shrugged. “There are always choices. You could have denied it. That’s what I did.”
Jasmine didn’t feel like reminding Mae Frances that obviously her lie hadn’t worked.
“Well, if that’s the way he wants it, let him be,” Mae Frances said. “You can’t force a bad man to do good.”
“Mae Frances,” Jasmine raised her voice, then softened, after she glanced at Jacqueline. “I’m not going to let you talk about my husband.”
“He’s still your husband?” And her look added what she didn’t say, “I don’t think so.”
Jasmine stood, folded her arms. “He’s my husband until a judge says differently. So, either you accept that or—” She paused and looked at the door.
Mae Frances stayed settled on the sofa, as if she never had any plans to move. “Jasmine Larson, why do you do that? Work yourself into a tizzy over nothing. If you don’t want me to say anything about the preacher man, I won’t. Don’t matter much anyway, since I doubt—” She stopped, pressed her lips together. “Anyway,” she began again, “my point is that I’ve been through this and I can help you. I’ll take care of you.” Inside, Jasmine laughed. How was Mae Frances going to take care of anyone? But she said, “Thank you.”
“And while you’re at work, I’ll take care of the baby.”
That will never happen, she thought. Jasmine couldn’t imagine the types of things Jacqueline would be saying by the time she was two if she spent any time with Mae Frances. But she smiled like she agreed. “Mae Frances, can I ask a favor? I’m really tired.”
“Of course you are. Go on, get into bed. I’ll watch the baby.”
“No,” Jasmi
ne said a bit quickly. “That’s not necessary; I’m fine.” She added, “But if we need you, I’ll call.”
Mae Frances stood. Before she stepped out the door, she added, “I’m really sorry this happened with you and the preacher man,” she said, although the gleam in her eyes belied her words. “But don’t worry. Women like us stick together, don’t we?”
Jasmine’s mouth was still opened wide after Mae Frances closed the door behind her. Women like us?
“I don’t think so,” Jasmine whispered as she peeked at her daughter. No, she was nothing like her neighbor. And now after listening to Mae Frances, her determination was back. Thanks to her neighbor, Jasmine was going to find a way to get Hosea home.
It didn’t feel as if her eyes had been closed for longer than a moment.
But a knock awakened her and Jasmine groaned. She was tired of Mae Frances and she was going to tell her neighbor so.
“Mae Frances,” she said, opening the door. She stopped. And her eyes watered.
“Do I look like Mae Frances to you?” Serena rolled her suitcase into the apartment.
Before the first tear fell, Jasmine collapsed into her sister’s arms.
“It’s okay,” Serena whispered as Jasmine’s tears fell onto her shoulder. “I’m going to make sure that everything is okay now.”
The sisters were sipping tea.
“I cannot believe you kept this from me,” Serena said after they’d talked for more than an hour.
Jasmine checked the bassinet before she said, “I didn’t want you to know. Didn’t want you to have to lie to Hosea.”
“I wouldn’t have lied.”
“That’s why I didn’t tell you.” Jasmine sighed. “I should have listened to Malik, though. Because now—” She shook her head. As she’d relived the past days with her sister, the confidence she’d been building about Hosea’s return waned.
Serena took a sip of tea before she said, “I think you still have a chance with Hosea. I will never forget the way that man looked at you at your wedding. He was so in love.”
“Key word—was.”
“That kind of love doesn’t go away.”
“It does when there’s another man involved.”
“You’re not involved with another man.”
A Sin and a Shame Page 30