Now, I live alone in the city, and I’m performing the high-wire act of every twentysomething who’s trying to balance career goals with personal ones, not to mention a checkbook. I struggle to walk the line of building the person I want to be while only being the person I am.
And after ending a two-year relationship, I had to say goodbye to the entire network of my ex-boyfriend’s friends, many of whom I’d grown close to. Now I have to create a new network, from scratch.
So I admit, I wanted these people to like me. I wanted to be in their group.
And I want my novel to get published this year. And I want to meet a wonderful man. And I want to be happy.
I want everything.
But when the pounding in my temples subsided, I knew I’d have to be myself to get it.
The next day was my last in Little Compton. I thought my girlfriend would be able to drive me to the train station an hour away, but I forgot she didn’t have a valid license, so the Brit gallantly offered to give me a lift.
During the drive, we got to talking on a deeper level than we had all weekend. And again, I found myself out of my comfort zone. But this time, I spoke with uncalculated honesty.
Without meaning to, I found myself telling him my life’s story. My “dynamic” family history of divorce, remarriage, and divorce, my own thoughts about marriage and kids.
As far as having romantic “game” goes, this was as un-strategic as it gets. The TMI factor was giving me anxiety, but despite my better judgment, I couldn’t stop my mouth.
I think, on some level, I wanted him to know me before I left.
The me who’s afraid of heights, and a lightweight, and a little square, and not very well traveled. The real me.
We’re getting drinks next week.
One, two, three, jump.
Does This Beach Make Me Look Old?
By Lisa
I joke about getting older, but the truth is, I don’t feel old.
On the contrary, at age fifty-nine, I feel as if I’m entering my prime.
So I’m either delusional or insightful.
I’ll leave the choice to you.
But let me make my case.
I’ll begin not by talking about myself, but about my girlfriends, all of whom are my age. We’ve been friends for many years. And when I look at the things they’re doing, I realize they’re in their prime too. In fact they’re more primy than I am.
My friend Franca runs every day and lifts weights, and she’s about to run her first marathon.
I’m going with her, to cheer.
That’s how I work out, by cheering.
My friend Paula is going on a trip to New Zealand with her husband and is planning on hiking twenty miles. She hikes every day here at home and has hiked the Grand Tetons in Wyoming.
They’re Grand!
And my friend Nan trains horses and can ride anything with four legs.
Not bad for the Middle Ages, are they?
They aren’t what I thought the fifties would look like when I was growing up, and I don’t think it’s just that my perception has changed because I’m in my fifties.
I think the fifties have changed. Since the way we saw them, back in the fifties.
And it’s not just physical activity. In fact, we’re better in many other ways. Paula travels the world, Nan rehabs houses, and Franca donates her time to help children with special needs.
We’re trying new things.
Wonder why?
I think we women spend so much of our lives taking care of other people that when the kids grow up, we come to realize that it’s time to truly take care of ourselves, and once we make that decision, our lives change.
More accurately, we change our lives.
I’ll speak for myself, because I know I have, but it’s been part of an evolution. For example, writing is my favorite thing in the world, and I think I’m getting better at it, but it’s taken me twenty years of practice and twenty-odd novels to date. So I’ve decided to write two novels a year instead of one, in addition to these memoirs.
Fun!
And to make this happen, I’ve changed the way I spend my day, prioritizing writing and saying no to things that interfere with my writing time.
In the beginning, I felt guilty when I said no, aware that I was disappointing people.
But then a miracle happened.
I got used to it.
And it got easier.
I stopped giving away my time. Instead I’m giving myself permission to keep it and use it the way I want.
So I don’t meet people I don’t want to see for lunch.
I don’t talk on the phone with anyone when I don’t want to.
I don’t impose obligations on myself, or allow others to impose them on me.
It’s taken me almost six decades on earth to figure this out, but here I am.
And in my free time when I’m not writing, I do only the things I want to do, like see friends, read, walk the dogs, and ride bikes or Buddy The Pony.
I’m happier than I’ve ever been.
I’ve come into myself.
Every woman does.
We find out who we really are.
We grow.
And in that way, we never grow old.
Acknowledgments
By Lisa and Francesca
We would like to express our love and gratitude to St. Martin’s Press for supporting this book and its predecessors. First, thanks to Coach Jen Enderlin, our terrific editor, as well as to the brilliant John Sargent, Sally Richardson, Jeff Dodes, Jeff Capshew, Stephanie Davis, Brian Heller, Jen Gonzalez, Paul Hochman, Jeanne-Marie Hudson, John Karle, Tracey Guest, Michael Storrings, Anne-Marie Tallberg, Nancy Trypuc, Caitlin Dareff, and all the amazing sales reps. We appreciate so much your enthusiasm for these books, and we thank you for everything you do to support us. And we will always love and remember the late Matthew Shear, whom we adored.
We’d also like to thank Mary Beth Roche, Laura Wilson, Esther Bochner, Brant Janeway, and the St. Martin’s audiobook division for giving us the opportunity to record our own audiobook of this volume and the others in the series. We love to do it, and we love audiobooks! And there is simply no substitute for our Philly accents, which come free of charge!
Huge thanks and love to our amazing agents, Molly Friedrich, Lucy Carson, and Nicole Lefebvre of the Friedrich Agency. Thanks to The Philadelphia Inquirer, which carries our “Chick Wit” column, and to our editor, the wonderful Sandy Clark.
One of the best people in the world is Laura Leonard, and her advice, friendship, and love sustain us. Laura, thank you so much for all of your great comments and suggestions on this manuscript. We owe you, forever.
Love to our girlfriends! Lisa would like to thank Nan Daley, Paula Menghetti, Sandy Steingard, and Franca Palumbo. Francesca would like to thank Rebecca Harrington, Katy Andersen, Courtney Yip, Janie Stolar, Megan Amram, and right-hand-man, Ryder Kessler. Thank you for being there during a difficult year. We’re blessed in all of you.
Family is the heart of this book, because family is the heart of everything. Special thanks and love to Brother Frank.
We miss Mother Mary and the late Frank Scottoline terribly, but they are with us always.
Finally, thank you to our readers.
Now, you’re family.
About the Author
LISA SCOTTOLINE is a New York Times bestselling and Edgar Award–winning author of twenty-four novels and coauthor of six humor memoirs in this series. She also writes a Sunday column for The Philadelphia Inquirer. She has 30 million copies of her books in print, and she has been published in thirty countries. She lives in the Philadelphia suburbs with an array of disobedient pets. You can visit Lisa at scottoline.com. Or sign up for email updates here.
FRANCESCA SERRITELLA is the coauthor of six humor memoirs in this series and is currently working on a novel. She is also a Sunday columnist for The Philadelphia Inquirer. Francesca is a cum laude and award-winning graduate of Harvard Universit
y and now lives in New York City with one dog and one cat, so far. You can visit Francesca at francescaserritella.com. Or sign up for email updates here.
Other Nonfiction by Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Serritella
Have a Nice Guilt Trip
Meet Me at Emotional Baggage Claim
Best Friends, Occasional Enemies
My Nest Isn’t Empty, It Just Has More Closet Space
Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog
Fiction by Lisa Scottoline
Every Fifteen Minutes
Keep Quiet
Don’t Go
Come Home
Save Me
Look Again
Daddy’s Girl
Dirty Blonde
Devil’s Corner
Running from the Law
Final Appeal
Rosato & DiNunzio Series
Betrayed
Accused
Rosato & Associates Series
Think Twice
Lady Killer
Killer Smile
Dead Ringer
Courting Trouble
The Vendetta Defense
Moment of Truth
Mistaken Identity
Rough Justice
Legal Tender
Everywhere That Mary Went
Thank you for buying this
St. Martin’s Press ebook.
To receive special offers, bonus content,
and info on new releases and other great reads,
sign up for our newsletters.
Or visit us online at
us.macmillan.com/newslettersignup
For email updates on Lisa Scottoline, click here.
For email updates on Francesca Serritella, click here.
Contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Introduction • Lisa
I’m Not My Type • Francesca
Jumpy • Lisa
For Your Information • Lisa
Back to School • Francesca
We Have a Winner • Lisa
Judge Not, Lest Ye Be a Pain in the Ass • Lisa
City Mouse, Country Cat • Francesca
Baby Me • Lisa
The Real Me • Francesca
Task Master • Lisa
Old and New • Lisa
Bettor for Worse • Francesca
Geared Up! • Lisa
Mother Mary Gets Religion • Lisa
Howdy Neighbor • Francesca
Fight the Power • Lisa
The Truth Tastes Delicious • Lisa
Still Here, Kitty? • Francesca
Dr. Mother Mary • Lisa
I’m What’s Cooking • Lisa
Mother Mary • Lisa
Fear of Flying • Lisa
Love Without Rough Edges • Francesca
Mother Mary and Frank Sinatra • Lisa
Who Needs It? • Francesca
Rollin’ On • Lisa
We Knew You Wouldn’t Amount to Anything • Lisa
Hardball at the Gym • Francesca
Credit Where Credit Is Due • Lisa
Guilt Tripping at 65 MPH • Francesca
Hissy Fit Bit • Lisa
Can You Keep a Secret? • Francesca
My TV Is Smarter Than Your Honor Student • Lisa
Going, Going, Gonzo • Lisa
Here’s a Howdy Do • Francesca
In Search of Selfie • Lisa
This Is Your Dog on Drugs • Lisa
Working Out on Mount Olympus • Francesca
An App a Day • Lisa
I’m Spending My Granddog’s Inheritance • Lisa
The Rebound • Francesca
Birthday Present • Lisa
Rescue Me • Lisa
Rite of Train Passage • Francesca
Recycled • Lisa
Life Among the Ruins • Francesca
In It to Win It • Lisa
My Buddy • Lisa
Check, Please? • Francesca
;) • Lisa
It’s a Miracle! • Lisa
I Want What I Want • Lisa
The Mutual Fade-Out • Francesca
The Good Wife or the Dumb Wife? • Lisa
Troublemaker • Lisa
Seeing Ghosts • Francesca
Quarantine Me • Lisa
Keeping Abreast • Lisa
If I Were Beyoncé • Francesca
Hot Mama • Lisa
Princess Lisa • Lisa
Moist • Lisa
OK Freud • Francesca
Sweet Tooth • Lisa
You’re Just Some Appliance That I Used to Know • Lisa
Women’s Rights and Wrongs • Lisa
Hot or Not at the Gym • Francesca
Twisted Sister • Lisa
Good Grief • Lisa
Carbs of Peace • Francesca
Thru Flu • Lisa
Tread Lightly • Lisa
Hot Wheels • Francesca
The Second-Greatest Generation • Lisa
Cliff Diving • Francesca
Does This Beach Make Me Look Old? • Lisa
Acknowledgments
About the Authors
Other Nonfiction by Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Serritella
Copyright
DOES THIS BEACH MAKE ME LOOK FAT? Copyright © 2015 by Smart Blonde, LLC, and Francesca Scottoline Serritella. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.
www.stmartins.com
All photographs courtesy of the authors except where indicated.
Cover design by Michael Storrings
Cover photographs: feet with purple flip-flops © sdominick/istock.com; beach and feet on right © Ben4633/Shutterstock
eBooks may be purchased for business or promotional use. For information on bulk purchases, please contact Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department by writing to [email protected].
The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
ISBN 978-1-250-05994-9 (hardcover)
ISBN 978-1-46686524-2 (e-book)
e-ISBN 9781466865242
First Edition: July 2015
Does This Beach Make Me Look Fat?: True Stories and Confessions Page 20