by Kim Baldwin
Sliding her arm around Angie’s waist, Kris envisioned them naked together within the hour, and her pulse raced at the very thought of it. But she realized with a start that she didn’t want this to be some brief and meaningless affair. She was beginning to develop strong and undeniable feelings for Angie, despite the fact that she still knew almost nothing about her. Beneath her cocky self-assuredness, there was a vulnerability she identified strongly with. She sensed that Angie hadn’t had an easy time of it, growing up. Her answer about Christmas presents hinted at the same kind of early isolation Kris had experienced.
“What are your plans when the repairs are finished?” she asked, recalling her uncle’s advice that she consider asking Angie to stay in the Netherlands.
“I don’t know if I can stay until the house is done,” Angie replied softly. “There’s still so much to do.”
How soon must you leave? she wanted to ask. It felt as though an invisible clock somewhere was counting down this rare gift of happiness. “What will you do back home?”
“I’m not really sure. I’ve been trying to push any long-term plans away.”
“Are you looking forward to going back? I can imagine you must be homesick by now.”
“I guess.” There was a long pause before Angie continued. “I mean, I miss a few people but it’s not like I get to see them that often anyway.”
That ticking clock got louder in Kris’s head. The prospect of perhaps never seeing Angie again seemed unthinkable. She tugged on Angie’s coat to force her to a stop. They were on another bridge. “Do you think you’ll be coming back again?”
“It’s crossed my mind, but I really don’t know.” Angie wouldn’t meet her eyes. “It’s not that simple.”
“Why not?”
“Because I have to get my life back on track.” Silence fell between them as they gazed out over the water. Angie’s sigh was audible. “Beautiful night, isn’t it?”
“Yes.” Kris had walked these same streets countless times before, and had long thought Amsterdam one of the most beautiful cities in the world. But she was seeing it and feeling it much more profoundly tonight, with Angie. She absorbed every nuance of the city’s romantic allure with a new appreciation. “Quite frankly, I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed myself this much.”
“Does that mean you actually like my smart-ass company?”
The question was pure Angie, but it lacked the usual cockiness, and Kris sensed—she hoped—that there was a serious inquiry hidden in the feeble attempt at humor. “Too much, I think,” she admitted, hoping for some similar sentiment in response.
But Angie grew quiet again, staring down at a couple of swans passing by below them.
“Tonight, all of it…” Kris took a deep breath. She had to know. “Does it mean anything to you?”
“Kris, I think you’re an incredible woman, and I’m enjoying every minute with you.”
“That’s great, but it doesn’t answer my question. What does tonight mean to you?”
Angie faced her, and her voice grew serious. “It means I’m right where I want to be, with exactly whom I want to be with.”
Kris could see the sincerity in her eyes, and something else. Something she wanted to believe was an acknowledgment of the growing depth of their connection. “Would you come back to see me if I asked you to?”
A flicker of surprise crossed Angie’s face, and she turned away again. “Why, is there another house you need to renovate?”
Once again, the question was devoid of Angie’s usual arrogance, a halfhearted attempt to lighten the moment. Kris began to understand how much Angie had come to rely on humor as a way to deflect questions she didn’t want to answer. Her growing irritation at the woman’s elusiveness had begun to stem the feelings of arousal and excitement that had driven them from the bar. She pulled roughly at Angie’s coat, until they were face-to-face again.
“Angie, you’ve evaded every question I’ve asked you about yourself and your life, and that’s your right. I suppose you have your reasons. We all do. But please. don’t evade me, not right now. It’s taking a lot of courage for me to ask these things. I’m actually surprised with myself for being this forward, but…but you make me feel…” She fumbled for the right words to describe what was inside her, then realized she’d just said it all. She’d been numb before they met. “You make me feel.” she repeated. “I don’t usually—”
“Kris, I don’t know if I can give you what you—”
“Please, let me finish. I don’t usually jump into bed with women, and I’ve never been a fan of one-night stands. I understand you have to leave, and I know that this night could be the only one we ever share, but…what I’m trying to say and failing miserably at is, I don’t want it to end with tonight. I know you can’t make promises, and I gave up on the concept of always a long time ago, but you make me feel too much to let it end.”
Angie’s hands curled into fists. “I can’t promise anything. I can’t give you a guarantee that I’ll come back…or even for a tomorrow.” Frustration was evident in her tone. “Like I said, things are complicated.”
“Will you at least tell me what’s so complicated?” Kris asked gently. “Are you in trouble? Are you married? What?”
“Nothing like that.” The restlessness was back. Angie shifted her weight from one foot to the other, and gripped the rail, as though anxious to leave.
Without a word, Kris resumed walking toward the Audi, and Angie fell quickly into place beside her. She said nothing further for three of four blocks, and Kris’s exasperation grew with every step. She stopped abruptly when she could take it no longer. “I think I just made a complete fool of myself.”
“What? Why?” Angie asked.
“I’m standing here asking you to come back because I want more,” Kris said angrily. “I got so wrapped up in the hope that the feelings were mutual that I didn’t for a moment consider the fact that you were just out for a fun night.”
“Kris, it’s not like that,” Angie protested. “I do like you. A lot. But—”
“But what? Help me understand. Stop being so damn vague for once and try the straightforward approach.” Kris didn’t care that her voice was loud enough to carry to the apartments surrounding them. “You don’t need to play mystery woman to avoid telling me the truth. All you have to say is that you were hoping to get laid.”
“It’s not like that,” Angie repeated. “I can get laid anytime I want.”
“So tonight was simply about proving yourself right? Showing me how to loosen up and enjoy life. This whole seduction plan was about showing Kris how to live a little. How altruistic of you.”
“Come on, Kris. I said I like you.”
Her fury boiled over at Angie’s attempt to pacify her. “Well, that’s great. I feel so much better now that I know you don’t fuck women you dislike.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“I’m overreacting?” She was nearly shouting now, stunned by Angie’s total disregard for the risk she’d just taken. It was difficult to open up the way she had. “Christ, Angie, I’m fall—” She stopped herself from any further admissions, since it would clearly get her nowhere. “Oh, forget it. What does it matter?” Abruptly, she turned and started back the way they had come.
“Where are you going?” Angie called after her. “The car is this way.”
Kris stopped and pivoted to face her. “I know it sounds crazy, but all of a sudden I’m not in the mood for a mercy fuck.”
“Okay, I get that.” Angie took a couple of steps toward her, and held out her hand. “But let me take you home.”
“I really don’t want to be around you right now, nor do I want to go back to that house.”
“I’ll drive you to your car,” Angie offered, taking another step nearer.
“No, thanks.” Kris waved her off dismissively. She was suddenly exhausted. “Go…please. I want to be alone.”
“Will you let me walk you to your uncle’s?”
“You can’t wander around the city alone this late,” Angie protested. “It’s not safe.”
Kris’s anger flared anew, an almost involuntary response when someone tried to tell her how to live her life. “I can do what I damn well please. I’m very capable of taking care of myself. I’ve had thirty-eight years of practice.”
“Kris, will you come to your senses?”
“I did. About ten minutes ago, when I realized what a stupid mistake I was about to make.”
“I’m sorry it came out that way,” Angie said gently, moving still closer until they were face-to-face. She started to reach out for Kris’s shoulder. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. And tonight was not about getting you into bed.”
“Stop. Just stop.” Kris raised a hand to keep Angie from touching her. “Angie, go home…where ever the hell that may be, since I’m not privy to that information.”
Angie’s hands dropped to her sides, and she replied in a resigned voice. “Fine. Suit yourself.”
Kris stormed off at a fast pace, with no particular destination in mind. What a fool she was. Tears began to flow, streaming down her face, and she wiped them angrily away. The city around her faded from her consciousness, its romanticism now only increasing her pain.
*
Haarlem
Azizi arrived at the van der Jagt mansion a little after midnight. Relieved to find the place dark, with no cars about, he hid the Peugeot in the shelter of some trees by the roadside and approached from the side of the building. Minister Qadir had told him to do whatever was necessary to obtain the diamond, so he did not hesitate to break one of the small windows in the rear door to gain entry. He tried to muffle the sound by placing his coat over the pane as he struck it. Then he moved quietly through the house in the dark, up the stairs to the bedrooms, to ensure he was alone.
Satisfied, he clicked on his flashlight and began searching for the gem. He started in the countess’s bedroom, taking care to search every possible hiding place—her bureaus, the pockets of the clothes in her closets, even the boxes of personal items stacked against the wall, still taped shut from her move from Venice. Then he tried her bath, searching among folded towels, opening prescription bottles, even peering into shampoo and perfume bottles with large enough openings to slip the diamond into.
Having no luck, he searched the other bedrooms thoroughly. The vacant bedrooms were quick to work through, the mattresses stripped and the drawers in the dressers empty. Returning to the ground floor, he walked among the rooms, scanning for any obvious place to try next. The den, he decided. He went through the desk, and ran his hand behind the books on the bookshelves to see if the gem was concealed behind them.
Still no diamond.
He was beginning to get frustrated. It would be impossible to search every conceivable hiding place in this enormous mansion, even if he had several undisturbed days to do it. He had to confront the countess, and force her to tell him where the stone was. Azizi decided the front coat closet was the best place to wait. He could hear the approach of a car best from there and grab her as she entered the house.
He hunched down into the corner of the closet, with a heavy coat cushioning his back. He was bone tired, but he knew what would happen to him if he failed, so he had no trouble staying awake, listening for her return.
*
Amsterdam
Allegro watched Kris storm off into the night until she was nearly out of sight, then set off after her. She knew she couldn’t leave Kris alone, with all that was going on. She hadn’t spotted the Afghan all night, but was she looking hard enough? Was her mind where it should have been? Was she concentrating on getting that diamond like she was supposed to? She’d searched Kris’s purse and hadn’t found anything, but after that it all became a bit of a blur. She found herself completely enraptured in the evening and their time together.
Her assignments had always been her priority, and she had never disappointed. Emotional involvement had been carefully removed from her world. In part because of her training, and also because it had become her only means of coping with what she’d been trained to do. She knew that often there was no alternative to the inevitable death or pain that some missions required, and she’d found her own devices to deal with her actions. The ghosts that came to her on occasion, especially in the beginning, were impediments that needed to be dealt with. She knew there was no escape from her life, so she’d trained herself not to feel.
In the beginning it took effort. She had to compartmentalize what she’d seen or done, but later this coping mechanism became a fact of life. Her life. Lying, stealing, and killing were all part of the game, and as long as she thought about it as a game it was all doable. The times that this theory didn’t make sense, when she couldn’t convince her conscience that she was doing the right thing, she turned to speed. Speed was the only comfort she knew that could take her away from the things she didn’t understand. But she knew that no amount of horsepower could make a difference this time. It wasn’t an option, and most of all—it wasn’t what she wanted.
Tonight, she’d managed in the space of a few hours to lie, steal, and kill. She’d lied about her intentions, stolen Kris’s hope, and killed Kris’s feelings. She didn’t have a choice. She couldn’t deceive Kris into thinking that she was a woman who could come back and see her, be with her, dream with her, and give her hope for a future together. Though she’d had to play this game before to get what she wanted, tonight, with Kris, it didn’t feel right. Kris deserved better because she…she was like her. She’d lived her whole life feeling convenient but unloved, needed but not wanted. A trophy, and one not earned because of the effort put into it, rather one that was bought to shine when necessary.
Kris was as much a random victim of her life as she was. A victim turned prisoner in a prison she’d created to protect herself, to prevent herself from having to feel. Kris had already been damaged in so many ways, Allegro hated herself for adding to that list. Very often when she looked at Kris, she saw herself. A woman wanting so desperately to live, but not knowing how to. The memory of pain on Kris’s face when she told her not to overreact, and of her own response to Kris’s admissions, burned her eyes. Kris finally dared to feel and open up, and she’d shot her down. Made her feel ridiculous for having hope. God, it hurt so much to see her like that. To not be able to tell her…what? What, damn it?
She wanted to tell Kris that she wasn’t alone, that she understood how much courage it took to say what she did. To admit to wanting the impossible. To admit to dreams of a life with someone who needed her not because of what she could do for them, but because of what they made her feel. Wanted all of her, because it made sense. Because it hurt too much to be without her. Tonight and every other night with Kris had made her feel like she had a right to dreams. Sharing a house with her, waking up with her, laughing and arguing with her made her…feel.
Was that why her assignment had taken a backseat? Why she’d been relieved to find the diamond was not in the safe last night? Why the possibility of Kris not liking her hurt, and why she had run to her in fear when she realized that someone might still be in the house? Why she’d even been willing to shoot a man untidily, in a parking lot, for fear of what he might do if she allowed him the opportunity? That he might take Kris from her. Allegro hadn’t felt fear in years. Lack of fear was what made her so good at her work. What was there to fear when she had nothing to lose? Her heart started to pound. Was she afraid of losing Kris?
She found herself walking faster, closing the distance and keeping to the shadows in case Kris turned around. Several blocks from where they’d parted, on the Nieuwezijdsvooburgwal, she watched Kris enter a small hotel. Allegro stood under the street lamp for what seemed like forever, looking up at the windows, wondering which one Kris might be in. Her heart broke over and over again at the thought of how alone
and disillusioned she must feel. I’m so sorry, Kris. Sorry for everything. But most of all she felt sorry for herself. For having lied to herself about her intentions. For her stolen hopes and for killing her own dreams of a future with Kris. How much longer could she live like this? How many more sacrifices would she have to make, and how much longer would she deny herself what she knew nothing about, but longed for so damn much?
She hadn’t cried since she was a child. But tonight, as she stood under the lantern looking up at the hotel windows, she let the tears fall until there was only one thing she could do. Be with the one person that made something make sense.
She entered the building and asked the man at the reception desk for Kris’s room number. He told her because of the late hour, he’d have to call Ms. van der Jagt to tell her that someone was looking for her. When he reached for the phone, Allegro put her hand on his, and looked at him for the first time through swollen eyes. It was a family matter, she told him, and it would be best if he didn’t alarm her unnecessarily. That what she was about to tell her was a delicate matter that was better discussed in private.
He looked at her for several seconds, and his face softened.
*
Kris slowly opened the door and stood there, blocking the entrance. The room behind her was dark, the only illumination provided by the ambient light of the city streaming in through the windows. Kris was still dressed. Her eyes were red from crying. “What do you want?”
Allegro could feel her own eyes burning but she didn’t care. “Let me in?”
“I did, and you humiliated me.” Kris’s voice was edged with pain.
Allegro ached with every word. “I’m so sorry, for everything.”
She didn’t know what made Kris break down and let her in, but finally she did, retreating back into the room a few steps. Allegro shut the door behind her. Neither moved or spoke for what seemed like forever.