by Cole McCade
“You Italians are so sentimental.” And for a moment Priest glimpsed the edge of Walford’s profile, silver-gilt in the street lamps, as he turned his head toward the alley. “Farewell, Vincent. Do try not to show up bleeding on my doorstep yet again.”
If only he could. If only this path were not so lonely, this life of the not quite living, not quite dead. A spectre, able to whisper in the shadows and yet never again capable of walking the light.
“If you see me again, Walford,” Priest said as he turned his back on him for the very last time, “It will be at my death.”
One last hesitation. One last pause. And then he said what he hadn’t been able to say before when it was so final, when it promised a quiet and aching end.
“Goodbye, Walford Gallifrey. Goodbye.”
THE END
AFTERWORD
UNLIKE MOST OF MY STORIES, I don’t have a personal afterword to include in this one. The PTSD I deal with as an abuse survivor is very different from the PTSD Priest deals with as soldier suffering with post-war fallout and grief. So rather than tell you a personal anecdote about my story…instead I’d like to ask you to listen to Priest’s story. While his turn toward sadism and violence does not in any way accurately represent the plight or mindset of real veterans, the pain and sense of both experiencing loss and being lost are very real. The guilt. The trauma. The struggle for a sense of direction. The feeling of being abandoned to rot with no purpose left.
And if Priest’s story moved you at all, I hope you’ll consider seeking out ways to help real veterans, when so many are left to flounder with inadequate access to mental healthcare, physical therapy, and rehabilitation services.
A few resources to help:
• Army Emergency Relief Fund: www.aerhq.org
• Air Force Aid Society: www.afas.org
• Navy-Marine Corps Relief Society: www.nmcrs.org
• Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund: www.fallenheroesfund.org
• Fisher House Foundation: www.fisherhouse.org
• National Military Family Association: www.militaryfamily.org
Our veterans deserve our empathy, compassion, and support—and I hope you’ll give them yours.
–C
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
FOR SABRINA, WHO PUTS UP with the waiting, and the absence in the space where I belong far too often while I vanish into other worlds—and for her patience and tireless dedication to editing these books to make them the best they can possibly be. Thank you, love. You will ever and always be my mija, and one of my most trusted friends.
For Nic, my big sister. For Tarah, my little sister. For Lyra, a steadfast friend who isn’t afraid to show up on my doorstep and tell me to get out of bed and get back to work, because sometimes my dreams can’t wait for me to decide I’m ready to deal with my depression.
I know that in each book my readers see these names in the acknowledgments again and again, but there’s a reason for that. I couldn’t keep writing, keep pushing against the tide, keep fighting for what I love if not for the steady and supportive presence of the people I love.
You give me so much, and I only hope one day I’ll be able to give as much in return.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
COLE MCCADE IS A NEW ORLEANS-BORN SOUTHERN BOY without the Southern accent, currently residing somewhere in Seattle. He spends his days as a suit-and-tie corporate consultant and business writer, and his nights writing contemporary romance and erotica that flirt with the edge of taboo—when he’s not being tackled by two hyperactive cats.
He also writes genre-bending science fiction and fantasy tinged with a touch of horror and flavored by the influences of his multiethnic, multicultural, multilingual background as Xen Sanders. He wavers between calling himself bisexual and calling himself queer, but no matter what word he uses he’s a staunch advocate of LGBTQIA and POC representation and visibility in genre fiction. And while he spends more time than is healthy hiding in his writing cave instead of hanging around social media, you can generally find him in these usual haunts:
• Email: [email protected]
• Twitter: @thisblackmagic
• Facebook: facebook.com/xen.cole
• Tumblr: thisblackmagic.tumblr.com
• Facebook Fan Page: facebook.com/ColeMcCadeBooks
• Website & Blog: www.blackmagicblues.com
He’s recently launched the Speak Project, an online open-access platform where anyone can anonymously or openly share or read stories of abuse – a way for survivors to overcome the silencing tactics of abusers to speak out against what was done to them, and let other survivors know they’re not alone.
• blackmagicblues.com/speak
He also runs an advice column called Dammit, Cole, where he occasionally answers questions about everything from romance and dating to the culture of hypermasculinity, from the perspective of a male romance author:
• www.blackmagicblues.com/category/dammit-cole
Looking for more? You can get early access to cover reveals, blurbs, contests, and other exclusives by joining the McCade’s Marauders street team at:
• facebook.com/groups/mccadesmarauders
THE CROW CITY SERIES
THE LOST: A CROW CITY NOVEL (CROW CITY #1)
Haunting erotica with the taboo appeal of V.C. Andrews.
goodreads.com/book/show/26119463-the-lost
Praise from Publishers Weekly: “If the romantic character study is a genre, this fascinating contemporary novel is its exemplar. McCade digs deep into the difficult topics of rape, incest, and sexual abuse via the remarkable voice of Clarissa Leigh VanZandt.”
On the day Leigh threw her perfect life away to disappear into the streets of Crow City, she gave up on love. She gave up on happiness. But her addiction to nothingness brings her to Gabriel Hart—the one man who can satisfy the desperate needs of her body and soul, who gives her the roughness she craves, who understands her the way no one else can. Yet she can’t escape her past, the predator stalking her memories…or the lonely ache for what she left behind, and the loss of the most precious thing in her life.
THE FALLEN (CROW CITY #1.5)
A broken man. A promise. And no reason left to hold on.
goodreads.com/book/show/28247849-the-fallen
Reconnect with Gabriel, Maxi, and Gary in this free side story and glimpse into Gabriel Hart’s life before he met Leigh. Gabriel once thought he was indestructible—but when grief brings him low, it takes a hard and painful journey to teach him how to live again, and how to survive long enough to find his way back to the light, to the people who love him, and to a reason to fight.
THE FOUND (CROW CITY #2)
Witness to a murder. Kidnapped by a monster. Prisoner to his whims—and to her own desires.
goodreads.com/book/show/31291756-the-found
Willow Armitage’s world is falling apart; between getting fired and caring for her chronically ill father, she’s had little room for anything but survival. But that survival hangs in the balance the night she stumbles into a back alley—and watches a stranger die at the hands of the most beautiful man she’s ever seen. Lethal. Powerful. Unstable. Terrifying. The contract killer known only as Priest is a dangerous unknown, and when Willow wakes tied to a chair in his hideout, the only thing she sees in his fox-gold eyes is death. Yet for Priest, Willow is a dilemma: an innocent, a saint among the sinners he cuts down in the streets of Crow City…and a woman he desires far more than he should.
THE SAVED (CROW CITY #2.5)
Faith lost. Purpose found. And only the first step on the path into darkness.
goodreads.com/book/show/33231602-the-saved
Before he was a mysterious, silent killer stalking the streets of Crow City, the strange man known as Priest was a lost and broken soul—and part of Willow Armitage’s world in ways she could never have imagined. Shattered by the Afghanistan War, left with no companions other than fellow survivor Gabriel Hart, ex-Marine Priest turns to his lost faith f
or answers when his life has lost all meaning…but in searching for his God, he finds a new religion. A religion of blood. Of pain—and of vengeance.
OTHER BOOKS BY COLE MCCADE
A SECOND CHANCE AT PARIS (BAYOU’S END #1)
A second chance at Paris. A second chance at love.
goodreads.com/book/show/23505829-a-second-chance-at-paris
Sweet, lighthearted contemporary romance with the joie de vivre of Paris. Author Ion Blackwell is captivated by astrophysicist Celeste London’s beauty and brains; a chance meeting in Paris brings her into his life, little knowing he’s already met her in high school as punky geek girl Mary Haverford. Celeste has reasons for hiding her identity—but when Ion discovers the truth, will her deception stop them from taking a second chance on love?
ZERO DAY EXPLOIT (BAYOU’S END #1.5)
A free side story and companion novella to A Second Chance at Paris.
goodreads.com/book/show/24216178-zero-day-exploit
Zero day exploit (noun): 1. An attack that penetrates a previously unknown vulnerability in a computer or system. 2. The kind of infuriating, manipulative man who gets under your skin and refuses to get out. And now, a one-night stand may turn out to be the biggest mistake of Zoraya Blackwell’s career.
SOMETIMES IT STORMS
Part of the IPPY Award-winning Winter Rain charity anthology benefiting RAINN.org.
goodreads.com/book/show/22880874-winter-rain
Ethan has never known how to love without hurting someone—or how to be loved without fear of pain. But Aurelie may be the one person who can understand his personal demons, and teach him how to let someone in.
WRITING AS XEN SANDERS
SHATTERPROOF
Available from Riptide Publishing
Love only cures everything in fairy tales.
goodreads.com/book/show/30306399-shatterproof
Praise from Publishers Weekly: “Sanders gracefully handles the loaded subject of suicidal depression in this tale of life, death, and love in present-day Savannah, Ga. […] Cathartic and pleasurable.”
Grey Jean-Marcelin wants to die. He thought painting his passion—vivid portrayals of Haitian life and vodou faith—would be enough to anchor him to this world…but it isn’t. And when the mysterious man known only as Saint saves Grey from a suicide attempt, it’s more curse than blessing—until Grey discovers that Saint isn’t just an EMT. He’s a banished fae, and can only survive by draining the lives of everyone he cares for. At first they seem the solution to each other’s desires, until this game of life or death becomes a game of star-crossed love. If one would live, the other must die—and as love and death intertwine, they’ll discover…no one’s heart is shatterproof.
FROM THE ASHES (FIRES OF REDEMPTION #1)
Available from Entangled Publishing
Even a villain can become a hero.
goodreads.com/book/show/33285960-from-the-ashes
One man a super-powered, sociopathic monster. The other an idealist, trying to be a hero. The secret that brings them together will be the one thing that keeps them apart—and will set the stage for a love that could save them both, or burn the world to ash.