by Unknown
And the Englishman thinks to himself: “That was fun. I kissed my own hand and slapped the smug Frenchman. Can’t wait for the next tunnel to repeat this.”
A young investment banker decides to splurge on a Lamborghini Aventador. After paying close to $400,000 for his dream machine, he decides to take it out for a spin. He stops at a red light and an old man on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks at the car and asks the banker, “Which car is this young man?”
The banker replies, “This is a Lamborghini Aventador. It cost me $400,000.”
The old man arches his eyebrows and says, “That is a lot of money to pay for a car. Do you mind if I look inside?”
The new owner cheerfully replies, “Be my guest!” The old man pokes his head into the car and admires its luxurious interiors. Just then, the light turns green and the young banker decides to show the old man what the Lamborghini can do. He floors the accelerator and was soon cruising at 200 miles per hour.
Suddenly, he sees a small speck in the rear view mirror. Soon the speck catches up and zooms past the young banker. Surprised that something could go faster than him, he accelerates again. Up ahead, he sees it is the old man on the moped. He crosses the old man but in less than 10 seconds he sees him in the rear view gaining on him. This time, the moped plows into the back of the Lamborghini.
The young banker jumps out, concerned that the old man might not have survived the crash. However, he is relieved to see the old man moving. The young banker runs up to him and says, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook… my suspenders from your rear view mirror.”
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't the buggers play at night?"
What do you call a really fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
A doctor, George Bush, a Priest, and a boy scout were on a plane when it started having engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down.
Unfortunately there were only 3 parachutes available.
The doctor grabbed one and said. "I am a doctor, I save lives so I deserve to live." And jumped out.
Bush then said, "I am the President of USA and I am the smartest man in the world, so I deserve to live." and jumped out.
The priest looked at the boy and said "My son I have lived a long life, and you have a whole life to live, so you take the parachute."
The Boy Scout handed the parachute back to the priest and said "No worries father, the "smartest man in the world" just took off with my backpack."
One day the king had to go for a year-long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.
The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.
"Why, doesn't that just defeat the whole purpose?" asked the King, and the magistrate promptly picked a pencil off his desk and inserted it into the hole.
"SNAP!", the pencil had cleanly sliced into two! "Anything that enters the hole will be sliced off, sire", said the magistrate.
Thoroughly impressed, the King instructed the Queen to wear it for the entire year and left for his expedition. Upon his return, the King called for a meeting of all his country folk.
They were all instructed to drop their pants, and the King made his rounds noticing that many were missing fingers as well as their most vital part. Then, he saw the quiet knight Sir Xavier, fingers and all still intact.
"Xavier, the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But alas, Sir Xavier was speechless.
On Valentine’s Day, I accidentally gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of a chapstick.
She is still not talking to me.
I picked up a girl at the bar the other day. She took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.
I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit, it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" .
Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?' Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
A gain he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?'
'Damn it, Fred, for the fifth time, it is chicken!'
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