by Sienna Blake
He says nothing. As we kiss goodbye I can’t help the oddest feeling that curls uncomfortably in my stomach. Something doesn’t feel right.
All day and all the next day this feeling grips me. Finally, I decide I need to take a step away from Jacob. I need some space. Not to break up, just some space. I’m not sure what I’m going to say to him to make him understand, but I have to say something. As Friday approaches this feeling of dread grows.
“I have a surprise for you, princess.” Jacob greets me with a grin when I arrive at his apartment on Friday afternoon after my last class for the week.
“Oh?” I say. I feel a small stab of guilt. He has a surprise for me? And I’m about to tell him I need some space.
Jacob’s smile twists into a scowl. “I thought you’d be happy. I have a surprise for you. I thought long and hard over the last two days about what my princess would like most.”
I’m being such a brat. I was raised better than this. I send a smile to my face and reach for him. “I am happy, baby. Sorry, I was just distracted. Study stuff.”
He frowns. “You shouldn’t be distracted when you’re with me. Maybe you should cut back on school if it’s too much.”
Oh my God, I’m not going there. I ignore this comment and force as much lightness as I can to my voice. “So what’s this amazing surprise you have for me?”
A grin creeps across his handsome face. “I paid off your student loan.”
I laugh and pat him lightly on his chest. “Aw, Jacob. Seriously.”
“Seriously.”
“I paid off your student loan.” This single sentence circles around my head like a vulture looking for somewhere to land. It sinks in. I’m left still and stricken as its claws grip around my bones.
“Oh my God, Jacob. You didn’t.”
“I did.”
“Why?” Why would he do that?
The grin on his face starts to tighten. “Because I love you. I know you stress about making your loan payments, so I’ve taken away the problem. You’re mine and I take care of what’s mine, princess.” He scowls. “Now you don’t have to work at that shitty bar job.”
“I need my job, Jacob. I still need to eat.”
Fuck. I have to pay him back.
Yeah? With what fucking money? I can’t pay him back. How the hell am I supposed to pay him back?
“You shouldn’t have done that.” God. I sound so ungrateful, like one of those gold diggers that he hates. I’m as bad as one of them. What’s wrong with me that I can’t be happy about this? I can see on his face that he is thinking this, too.
I’m a terrible girlfriend. I should be happy that he did this wonderful thing for me. So why aren’t I?
Because now, I owe him.
I know there is only one way I can pay him back. Only one way he expects me to pay him back. I can see it in the expectant smirk on his face. “Aren’t you going to thank me?”
“Thank you, baby.” I lean forward to kiss him.
His fingers twist into my hair and he pulls my head back. “Do you love me?”
I nod as best I can while he continues to grip my hair.
“Say it.”
“I love you.”
“I fucking love you too.” His hungry mouth devours mine and his erection pushes insistently against me. His grip tightens around me so I can barely breathe. In my mind I hear the clang of a gilded cage closing around me.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. Fuck. I know it’s Jacob. Again. I ignore it and continue to give my attention to the table of four guys who are ordering a round of drinks. It’s a Saturday night and I’m at work. I managed to avoid seeing Jacob last night and today because I told him I was too busy. I love him, I do. He’s so good to me. But I just… I need to breathe. I just need some space.
Since he paid off my loan several weeks ago he has become even more desperate for my time.
“I told Sal and Dee I’d hang out with them tonight, Jacob.”
He folds his arms across his chest. “If you love me, I should be all you need.”
I shake this thought off and turn to the last guy at the table. “And for you?” He’s sitting directly to my right. I could feel his eyes on me as I was taking down his friends’ orders. Now that I am looking at him I can see that he’s stunning. Exotic. His olive skin is smooth across his wide jaw and taut cheekbones. His light brown eyes are almond shaped and turn up at the corners.
“An Ashahi, please.” His lush lips form a smile. “And your name.”
“I, um,” I grab at my nametag and hold it towards him.
His eyes scan my tag. “Well, I’m Adrian.”
I quickly scribble his order down as I try not to blush. I can feel his eyes on me as I walk away to get their order and when I return. I continue to feel his eyes on me as I stop at a table nearby to take more orders.
I hear a deep voice yelling over the background rock song and boozy buzz. “Get your God damn perverted eyes off my girl.”
What the…? I spin around. Jacob? I can’t believe my eyes. Jacob is standing over Adrian. He’s practically vibrating with rage. His goons are holding Adrian’s friends back.
Adrian has his hands lifted in surrender. “Cool it, man. I wasn’t doing anything.”
“The fuck you weren’t,” Jacob’s hands fist in Adrian’s shirt and yank him to his feet. “You fucking look at her again, you even fucking breathe in her direction and I’ll kick your fucking ass.” Jacob pushes Adrian hard and he goes flying back into another table with a crash. Jacob stalks towards him looking like he’s ready to take another shot.
“Jacob, stop!” I drop my pad and pen as I run towards him and grab his arm. “What the hell are you doing?”
Jacob turns his furious eyes at me. “It’s for you. I’m fucking protecting you.”
“I’m so sorry, princess. I’m so fucking sorry.” Jacob stands, eyes pained and glossy, at my dorm room door after I open it. I wouldn’t have opened it if he hadn’t kept banging and pleading for me to come out.
“I lost my job, Jacob.” I wrap my arms across my chest. I feel my skin break out in pins and needles to see him again. “Your sorry isn’t going to get it back.”
He falls to his knees and clutches at my legs. “Just tell me you forgive me. I’ll fucking die if you don’t forgive me. I’ll die.” He looks up at me with red-rimmed eyes. I feel a flood of pity tug deep inside me. “Please, princess. Let me make it better. I’ll fucking die without you.”
Like an idiot I let him pull me down to my knees to him. His arms go around me. I sigh deeply and melt into him. Even though I am angry and confused, it still feels so good to be held by him. This is so wrong. Our love is turbulent and frantic and crazy and stupid and desperate. The energy buzzes deep under my skin. Highest of highs, lowest of lows. This is a roller coaster I’m not sure how to get off. But worse, I’m not sure if deep down I really want to.
“I have something for you,” he says. “A gift, to say I’m sorry.”
I pull back and stare at him. His eyes are wild and roam my face frantically. This crazy lost human being just loves me so much. He just doesn’t know what he’s doing or how to show it properly. He needs my love. He needs me.
I brush a lock of hair from his forehead. “You don’t have to buy me things.”
“I just need you to know how sorry I am.” He takes out a box from his pocket and places it in my hand.
It’s a jewelry box about the size of my palm. What has he done for me? He grins at me in encouragement. I open the lid.
Sitting among the silk lining is a silver credit card. With my name marked across it.
Chapter 11
The present
The credit card was just the start.
Jewelry, a new laptop, a new phone, clothes, shoes, trips away to luxury hotels. They came like clockwork after he became angry because I didn’t spend enough time with him, my studying made me tired, I didn’t call him back quick enough, the dress I was wearing was too short. He even tried
to buy me a car, which I flatly refused.
At the time I believed it was because he loved me so much that it made him that way. I was so stupid.
Without a job I became more and more reliant on Jacob. I was hesitant to use the credit card at all. It was just supposed to be until I got another job. But for some reason no one would hire me.
“You barely spent anything on the card this month,” Jacob says.
“I got food and paid my bills. It’s enough.”
“My money not good enough for you?”
“No! I just−”
“Then go shopping, buy something pretty or something sexy…”
But when Jacob was lovely, he was so, so lovely. He looked after me like I was something special. Precious. Like a princess. His princess. I loved the way he would grab me by the back of my neck when we walked out in public. Like he wanted the world to know that I belonged to him.
He was intense and loving and wanted me with a fiery passion, and he would take me wherever I would let him. I used to love the way he devoured me with those dark eyes when he had his tongue buried between my legs.
He was burying himself deeper and deeper into my life. Like roots of a large tree into the sides of a cliff. Deeper and deeper until taking that tree away would cause a landslide.
I remember the day when it all started to crumble.
Chapter 12
Five years ago
It’s late when I finish studying with a group of college friends. Winston, one of the guys, insists on walking me back to my dorm, which is all the way on the other side of campus. As we walk, I listen to Winston talk about his plans for the summer. He’s cute, blue-eyed with hair like corn fields, he looks and talks like he was raised on grits and sweat tea. He’s sweet and lovely and the kind of guy my parents would have loved for me to take home. If they were alive.
Not like Jacob.
Thinking of Jacob causes a flutter in my stomach. I’m supposed to meet him later. He’s picking me up at my dorm to take me out to one of his clubs in about an hour, which gives me plenty of time to get changed into the dress he instructed me to wear.
Winston and I stop at the steps of my building.
“Are you coming to Dee’s party this Saturday?” he asks.
“I think so.” Jacob hasn’t wanted to meet any of my friends or come to any of my college parties or anything, so I doubt he’d want to come.
“Cool, cool. So I was thinking that we could get a bite somewhere and go to the party together.”
“That sounds good. Who else is coming?”
“I meant, as a ‘you and me’ thing.”
Oh. I hadn’t realized Winston felt that way. I run through my last few interactions with him and hope I haven’t said or done anything overly friendly to lead him on. “Winston, that’s very sweet but… you know I’m seeing someone, right?”
He frowns. “I’ve never seen you with anyone. I just assumed… Sorry.”
I smile and try to shrug off the awkwardness that has arisen between us. “It’s okay. He’s not a student. But we’re still friends, right?”
Winston smiles. “Of course.”
I don’t notice the black car pull up as Winston gives me a hug and kisses me on the cheek goodbye until he starts to walk away. Jacob slams the car door shut behind him. He’s early. And he’s scowling. His eyes are dark and he looks mean.
“Who the fuck was that?” as he stalks towards me he stabs his finger at Winston’s back.
“That’s Winston. He’s just a college friend. A friend.”
“Did he just put his fucking hands on you? Did I see the fucker put his motherfucking lips on you?”
“Shh, baby, please.” I glance up at my dorm windows and hope no one can hear Jacob yelling. I reach out for him when he stops in front of me. “It was just a hug and a peck on the cheek goodbye.”
“Just a kiss? Just a fucking kiss?” His hand grips around my neck. It’s so tight and sudden, I don’t have time to scream before my air is trapped inside my lungs. The choking sensation pushes tears up to my eyes. “Where? Where did he put his filthy fucking mouth on you?” His other thumb scrapes across my cheek like he’s trying to wipe away any trace of Winston. Oh my God. I can’t breathe. My fingers tear at his hand around my neck.
“You’re hurting me, Jacob” I choke out.
“I’m hurting you? You’re fucking hurting me, princess.” He slams his left hand against his chest and it makes a sharp deep thudding noise. “Right here. You’re hurting me right fucking here.”
He lets go of my neck and I heave a large breath in. I feel dizzy. I flinch when Jacob leans in. His eyes are dark and mean and brittle like coal and his voice hisses and spits at me like a fire. “Winston needs to learn who you belong to. If he touches you again, I’ll fucking kill him.”
“He didn’t know any better. But he knows now that I’m with you. It’s fine, baby, please leave him alone.”
Jacob grabs my arm in a vice. I know he means to hurt me. “Ow! Don’t.”
“Wait,” he yells back to his driver. Jacob drags me through the dorm doors by my arm. I stumble trying to keep up.
I pray that no one is walking through the corridors at this moment and sees me like this. My cheeks flame with embarrassment. The stairs blur behind my tears and every time I trip I can feel his grip tighten around my arm, cutting off more of my circulation. When he throws open my dorm room I sag with relief when I see the room is empty. Trisha is out. I don’t want to have to try to explain this to her.
He slams the door behind us and his hands come up to shove me. I whimper as my back hits the door. This isn’t right. I shouldn’t be scared of Jacob.
Then he’s on me. His lips are hard and bruising and he shoves his tongue straight into my mouth. He’s trying to wipe away any remnant of Winston from me. Jacob grunts from his throat. He pulls away and my lips tingle from being crushed. “I’m the only one who loves you, princess. I’m the only one who really cares. Winston just wants to fuck you. He doesn’t really care.”
He’s hurting. I can see in his eyes and hear in the crushing pain in his voice that he’s hurting. It hurts me that he is hurting.
I hurt him, I realize. I upset him. I need to fix it. I press kisses to his face and run my hands across the back of his neck because I know he likes it. I know it soothes him. He needs me to soothe him right now.
He starts to unbuckle my jeans. “He needs to know who you belong to, princess. You need to know who you belong to.”
“You. Of course, baby. I know.” It’s because Jacob loves me so much that he’s like this. He just loves me this much.
My jeans are stripped from me and kicked aside. I’m shoved back against the door, the edge of his left forearm pressing against my throat. His fingers slip inside my underwear. “He needs to fucking know who this pussy belongs to.”
I gasp as tingles rush through my body making me lightheaded. How can this feel so wrong yet so right? “Yours, baby,” I choke out. “All yours. Please, let−”
“Mine. That’s fucking right.”
His hand pulls from my underwear then I hear a sing of metal. When I look down I see a knife gripped in his right hand. Oh God. What is he doing?
“Do you know? Do you really? Or do I need to teach you a lesson?”
“No, Jacob, Please.” Oh God. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t. My stomach twists and I choke on my own bitter bile. This is what horror tastes like.
He removes his forearm and I gasp for air. He places the blade against the side of my neck. The cold metal burns my skin. I squeeze my eyes shut.
He leans in, his breath hot around me. He whispers in my ear, words I will never forget.
“Your body, your blood, your life…belong to me.”
I cry out as the blade slides across my skin making a shallow line of pain. I hear his grunting and feel his wet feral tongue. He sucks the blood off my neck as he pushes himself inside me. It hurts because I’m tight around him like I’m trying to keep him
out. My legs give out like the wooden limbs of a puppet. I slip a little until his hips slam me back up against the door.
“Who do you belong to?”
“Y-you.” The voice that squeaks out of my mouth doesn’t sound like mine. I want to slap this broken thing I have become. I want to slap her and hug her and take her away. But I can’t. I can’t move. So I just cry inside for her. I cry and I die a little.
“Louder.”
“You.”
“I want to hear you screaming it.”
Again and again, he slams me against the door, loud and angry like an animal marking his territory, making me repeat after him. I choke on each word. He doesn’t seem to care who hears us.
Suddenly his movements slow.
“Open your eyes.”
I don’t dare disobey him. I open my lids, but I keep my gaze down. His hand cups my face and it’s gentle. So gentle.
“Look at me baby, please,” he says. Now his voice sounds pained, so pained like he’s on the verge of tears. I look up in surprise and see the hurt creasing his furrowed brows.
“Oh my God,” he breathes. His shaking fingers wipe at the tears spilling from my lids. Tender. This is tender Jacob. He has come back to me. The man I love has come back. “Look what you do to me. I just… I just love you so fucking much. So much that you make me crazy. So fucking crazy. You understand that, right?”
I nod and his palms caress my cheeks. He leans in and sucks on my bottom lip. He pulls his erection out almost all the way, stopping at my entrance. He pushes a thumb inside the corner of our mouths and rubs my tongue with it. It tugs at my lips when he pulls it free. His hand drops between us and his palm presses against my lower belly. His wet thumb finds my clit and I flinch. He starts to rub me and to move inside me again with short and shallow thrusts. His mouth stays near mine, alternating between sucking on my tongue and drinking in my breath. It shouldn’t but it starts to feel good.