Kelly was sitting cross-legged on the floor in the corner of the sectional and she was pulling stuff out of her backpack. She’d heard me say that my mouth tasted funny and she said, Come here! Jess and I went inside, and Pete and Brandon followed us. The first thing Kelly picked up from the stuff in her bag was a pack of gum and she handed it around to all of us. It was just peppermint Extra, but my GOD. When I put the stick on my tongue, it was the best thing I have EVER TASTED in my WHOLE LIFE. The sensations in my mouth were delicious—and it wasn’t just the taste. It was like chewing this gum was a full-on sensual experience. Jess said she felt like she was having a tongue-gasm, and we all totally cracked up about that.
I put on my hoodie and felt all cozy for a minute, and then I felt hot and took it off again. Brandon said the ecstasy was a little speedy, and started jumping up and down. That’s when Kelly turned up the music and all of a sudden we were all dancing. Jess scooted the coffee table out of the way, and we danced for a long time. Here’s the thing about me and dancing: I don’t usually do it. I always feel really self-conscious, and I’m not sure what to do with my hands. I feel embarrassed about it. But not Friday night. We danced until we were all a bunch of sweat balls. Pete peeled off his T-shirt and Brandon brought us all more bottles of water from the kitchen. Then Pete ran back out into the yard and said, You guys! Come here!
The night air felt so good—like we’d walked into a refrigerator on a muggy day. The moon was high in the sky now, and smaller than it had been before. I got goose bumps all over, and ran and jumped on Pete’s back like he was going to give me a piggyback ride, which he did—running all around the backyard while Brandon smoked a cigarette. I can’t believe I went running up to Pete and jumped on him like that. I’m not one of those girls. That’s one of the cutesy things that girls like Ashley do, but in the moment, I had this unbridled feeling that no matter what I did, it was okay. I felt so safe—like no one would make fun of me. I felt like the truest version of myself.
When I jumped off Pete’s back, he caught my hand and we raced back toward the patio and hot tub. Kelly was standing in the middle of the yard and I blinked really hard because she was surrounded by these beautiful streaks of light. Pete saw it too and was like, Damn. What the hell? Then, as we got closer, we saw that she had these glow sticks on strings that she was spinning all around herself. I sat down on the grass right in front of her, and before long, Pete, Brandon, and Jess had joined me. Jess had turned the music up a little bit so we could hear it coming through the door and we just watched Kelly spin those glow sticks. Brandon kept saying, Dude! Do you see those tracers? And yes, I did. My eyes were all wiggly again, and the glow sticks seemed to have these long tails of light that whipped all around Kelly’s body as she spun them. After a couple of songs, her arms were tired and she let them drop to her sides for a second, and I started clapping. We all cheered for her and told her how amazing that looked.
Back inside a little later, my eyes had stopped twitching and we all got more gum and fresh water, but as I lay on the carpet feeling it with my hands and feet. I felt these big, slow, warm tears sneaking out of my eyelids and running down my cheeks. It was like hot syrup sliding across my face, and it felt incredible. Jess asked me if I was okay, and I said, I’m just so HAPPY.
Kelly handed something to Brandon, and then turned off all the lights in the room. It was really dark except for the light filtering in the slider from the hot tub out back. Then the music was back, and we saw this orange-and-yellow glow. Brandon was juggling three glow-in-the-dark balls that Kelly had brought with her, and they made incredible patterns in the air. As I lay on the carpet watching, I felt Pete move over next to me and take my hand again. He was propped up on one elbow next to me, and I felt his other hand stroking my face. Then he leaned over and pressed his lips to mine.
Even writing that feels weird. In the cold, hard light of day, Pete is not somebody I would ever consider kissing, but Friday night, it just felt right somehow. His lips were cool against my own, and then I started kissing him back. I’ve only kissed two other guys before—one was at camp the summer after eighth grade and it only happened a couple times. Then in ninth grade I made out a lot with this guy named Evan who moved in with his family next door and only lived there for a year before his dad was transferred back to Chicago. Evan was a really wet kisser. Sometimes, I felt like I needed a towel after we were done making out. He was really cute, but I have to say, Pete was a better kisser. I didn’t feel like I was going to drown or anything.
I got totally lost in those kisses with Pete, but it wasn’t sexy at all. I mean, I guess it was sexy, but I wasn’t afraid that he wanted to have sex. He wasn’t doing that thing Evan used to do when he would rub himself up against my leg, and it wasn’t like we were way turned on. Also, Pete kept his hands to himself. This kissing was more about how amazing it felt to touch our mouths together. His tongue was slow and sure, and I kissed him back and started giggling after a while when our peppermint gum got all mixed up. He started laughing too, and when we looked up we realized we were the only ones in the room.
I said, Where is everybody? And Pete stood up and pulled me up, then looked out the slider and said, Wow. I looked outside on the patio and saw that Brandon was in the hot tub watching Kelly and Jess, who were also in the hot tub, kissing each other like Pete and I had been. I ran out to the patio, pulling Pete behind me, and whispered, Kissing is fun! (I don’t know why we were all whispering while we were outside, but we all were.) When I said it, Kelly heard me and cracked up, pulling away from Jess, who had this big grin on her face, and said, Yeah, right?
We all wound up in the hot tub in our underwear, our feet rubbing against each other under the swirling water. I didn’t realize how stiff my neck and shoulders had gotten until I leaned back against the side with my head on Jess’s arm and felt all the tension draining into the steam. After a while, Kelly said she was getting pruny and we should probably not stay in too long because we needed to stay hydrated, so Jess ran in and got us all towels, and after we dried off, we all cuddled up in a heap on the sectional.
Kelly pulled the DVD of Walt Disney’s Fantasia out of her bag and put it on. I remembered watching this movie as a little girl, but I hadn’t seen it in at least ten years, and watching it on ecstasy was INCREDIBLE. The music and animation worked together in ways my brain could barely comprehend. A group of elephants or ostriches would bloom across the screen, and suddenly we’d all be laughing, and other times, tears would stream down my cheeks from the sheer beauty of it all.
After the movie, we all just lay on the couches talking about stuff. Jess brought up again how nuts it was that Reid Boston had asked my sister to prom, and Brandon burped really loudly when I said Reid’s name, which totally cracked Pete up, and we all laughed really hard. Brandon said that Reid’s really full of himself, and I said that meant he’d get along great with Ashley. Thinking about that now makes me feel a little guilty. Ashley did get really excited when I told her about the Thanksgiving Day Parade, so I could’ve done the same for her.
After a while, I realized that I wasn’t feeling the ecstasy as much any more, and looked over and saw that it was already getting light outside. I was like, Oh my god. We’ve been up all night. Brandon said he was getting sort of hungry, and Pete packed a bowl and passed it around. He said it would help everybody feel better as we came down, and Kelly agreed. They’ve all done this before. Obviously Kelly had. She came prepared with that backpack full of goodies and activities. The weed did help a little, but when we all piled into Brandon’s SUV and went to IHOP I started to feel like my arms weighed five thousand pounds apiece.
The restaurant was noisy and bright even though it was only six o’clock in the morning. I never realized so many people in the world are up and around and in need of pancakes at six a.m. The waiter was named Chris, and he looked like a college student working the graveyard shift. When he came by with coffee, he smiled at us knowingly and said, So. Big night, eh, kids?
Lemme get you some water.
I never thought water tasted so good in my entire life. Chris eventually put a pitcher on the table because we were drinking so much so quickly that he was wearing out his shoes getting refills. I ordered French toast and the first few bites were delicious, but then the muscles in my jaw really started to ache because I’d been clenching my teeth all night.
By the time we got back to Jess’s house, I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open while I drove home. Luckily, Dad and Ashley like to sleep in on Saturday and Mom always clears out early on for tennis and brunch with her friends. She was gone until midafternoon yesterday, which allowed me to drink orange juice and lay around in my flannel pajama pants in front of the TV for most of the day, which I desperately needed. Turns out “pure bliss” can be exhausting.
But God, was it ever fun. I get it now. I get why people call it ecstasy.
Monday, April 28
So weird seeing Pete in the hallway today. He smiled at me as he passed me and Jess. He was walking with Brandon and they didn’t stop to say anything, but we all sort of shared this moment. I can’t believe I made out with him.
Jess just got called out for talking in study hall. Mrs. Stone is exactly as her name implies. Jess was whispering to me, asking what the hell I was doing. She’s never seen me write anything I didn’t have to. I’m sure me with a journal is blowing her mind.
Ashley has been floating around the school today. I’ve seen her twice now. Once this morning after first period, and again when Jess and I were in line to get lunch. Reid Boston stopped by her table to say hi flanked by this tall guy with longish dark hair and ice-blue eyes named Carson who looks like a Ralph Lauren model. It caused quite a stir in the ranks of the underclassmen. Jesus. You’d think it was 1954 and Elvis had stopped by to ask Annette to the sock hop. Hasn’t anything changed in the last fifty years?
This morning, when I was leaving for school, Mom blew me a kiss and said, Good luck, honey!
Good luck.
Like I was going on a game show.
She and Ashley had been talking about going shopping for prom dresses while they ate their yogurt and berries at the kitchen island. I was pouring a bowl of Froot Loops and Mom was like, There’s plenty of yogurt and fruit if you want it. I know on the face of things that seems like a really sweet suggestion. But it isn’t. It’s her trying to control what I eat for breakfast. This has been an ongoing issue since I was in eighth grade. The unspoken message is that what she and Ashley are eating for breakfast is more healthful and will keep me slim and beautiful.
I ignored her and ate my bowl of Froot Loops and a banana, as is my custom. I did decide to dry my hair this morning instead of just going to school with it wet and twisted up in a clip, so that’s something Mom can be thankful for. Probably why she said, Good luck! I’m sure deep down inside she’s still holding out that I’ll get asked to prom too.
The thing is, I wouldn’t be opposed to prom, it’s just that I feel like Mom thinks it’s some sort of failing in my character that I don’t harbor Ashley’s princess dreams. I am pretty normal looking. Ashley is way above average. That’s just the long and the short of it. I’m not repulsive or anything, I’m just your average girl. I’m okay with that. I just wish my mom was. The idea of both of her daughters in pink ball gowns heading off to prom probably has her teetering on the edge of sanity right this very second.
It was so fun not to have to worry about any of this on Friday night, to have an escape from it. Sometimes I don’t realize how much time I spend worried that my mom thinks I’m a weirdo. Or maybe she doesn’t think I’m weird exactly, just that she wishes I were somebody else—somebody more like Ashley. Or her. It’s sort of a heavy thing. When I write it down on paper it feels like a big weight. Maybe I don’t give myself enough credit for how much feeling like I’m not enough for my mom just sucks.
One thing is for sure: I didn’t feel like I wasn’t enough when I was rolling. I mean, I’m not going to become an E freak or anything, but it certainly lifted all of these feelings right out of me and made me feel like everything was going to be perfect always.
Tuesday, April 29
After school we had a marching band meeting to discuss continuing practices over the summer so we can be ready for the Thanksgiving Day Parade next fall. When I was at my locker dumping off my books before the meeting, I saw Jess putting prom tickets into her purse. Like it was no big deal. Just two prom tickets. Shoving them into her purse. I stood there staring at her until she looked up at me and said, What? And I was like, Um, did you just put two prom tickets into your purse? And I’ll be damned if she didn’t BLUSH. Yes. Jess. Blushing. I was like, Are you BLUSHING? And she shushed me. I said, Where is my best friend and what have you done with her?
I mean, Jess has sort of filled her role in our class as the big girl with the nice smile. She’s that girl that all the moms at school are always clucking their tongues about and saying shit like, Oh, she’s got such a great smile. If she’d lose some weight she’d be so pretty!
One time last year, Jess heard one of them say something like this in the bleachers at a basketball game and just flipped out on her. She tapped the woman on the shoulder and said, OOPS. Yep, I heard that, you skinny bitch. Guess what? I may be fat, but you’re an UGLY ASSHOLE with A BIG NOSE and I can DIET. Or just CRUSH YOU. Careful where you sit.
Then she stalked off, and a group of freshman girls who had seen this whole thing stood up and started clapping. It was intense. So, Jess is pretty much her own person and couldn’t give a shit what you think of her—or at least she’d say that she doesn’t to anybody who will listen. So, watching Jess get tongue-tied and blush about prom tickets was not something I had ever imagined in my wildest dreams. She’s just not that kind of girl; at least she wasn’t until now. I guess that’s one of the reasons she’s my best friend: She is constantly surprising.
Jess walked me to my meeting in the music wing and spilled the beans: Her and Kelly hunkered down in a liplock in the hot tub on Friday night? Turns out not just an effect of the ecstasy. I mean, it was, but it’s also . . . real. They are really into each other. Jess is always teasing about how hot some of the girls at school are, but she’s also always talking about how hot some of the guys are, so I never really thought she’d be into dating a girl . . . but looking back, I don’t know why not. I mean, obviously she can date whomever the hell she wants. I guess my brain has just been trained to think of girls with boys as “normal.” Whatever that means. It’s strange knowing that my brain has these default settings. I was surprised by my own surprise, I guess.
She told me that she felt bad when she bought tickets today because she had just assumed that she and I would either hang out the night of prom or go together, but then she and Kelly started their flirtation. (Yes, she calls it a “flirtation.” Classic Jess.) Then she started insisting that I get a ticket too and come with them.
I was like, Absolutely not. For one thing I’m not entirely sold on prom as a concept, but there’s no way in hell I’m going as my friend’s third wheel along with her date—who also happens to be a gorgeous, tiny, Asian fashion victim who will undoubtedly wear something far hipper than anything I could ever put together.
Thanks, but no thanks.
The marching band meeting was pretty fun, actually. Lots of info about upcoming fund-raisers and packets of information on the dates of the trip next year along with sheets to have our parents sign and volunteer forms for the moms and dads who will help with organizing pledge-drive events. Pete was there with his dopey grin, sitting with the other percussionists. He waved at me when he saw me come in, and I thought about that hand sliding up and down my back while I tried to catch my breath sitting in the grass on Friday night.
Dinner was a recap from Ashley about every single freaking word Reid said to her in the past two days. I wish Mom wouldn’t giggle like she’s Ashley’s best friend from sixth grade when she tells these stories. It just eggs Ashley on. I don’t
get why Ashley wants to be best friends with Mom anyway. I mean, shouldn’t there be some sort of separation? If I had a boyfriend, or a hot date to prom, I’d keep all that shit to myself.
Wednesday, April 30
One of the most embarrassing things that has ever happened to me in my life happened at school today, but somehow Jess made it better. I’ve always admired her not taking shit from anybody, but that went to an entirely new level today.
It was a perfect-storm situation in the hallway right before lunch. Ashley came by my locker to get the car keys because she needed to get the display board for her science fair project out of the trunk. Reid was with her and apparently he always travels with his wingman Carson, so the three of them stopped at my locker as Jess was trying to convince me to come to prom with her and Kelly again.
I was in the middle of refusing to crash her date. I had just finished saying, I don’t want to go if I don’t have a date and you do, when I saw Ashley pop into view, and heard Reid say, Dang. She’s got a date and you don’t? That’s harsh.
Dancing with Molly Page 2