by Chris Fox
The land around the keep had withered and died, and that blight spread outward daily. It provided a number of bonuses not only to himself, but also to his minions while fighting on his territory. Eventually it would all be his territory.
The blight had made it into the forest closest to the Moist Mountains, but as White soared over them with his amazing legions he noted that it had largely halted there. He didn’t like being reminded that his power had limits, but there it was.
Perhaps the sky rock would change that. He sensed its immensity of purpose, but had no idea where it had come from, or what powers it might truly possess.
Crossing the vast expanse of the world would have taken many days on foot, or even on horseback. But White had moved past such petty locomotion. Even flight took too long, and he only bore the indignity because he brought so many troops with him. Otherwise he’d have found a way to teleport.
As the day wore on White thought of several jokes, but as he looked around at the wights realized there was no one around to appreciate them. Crushstuff would probably have laughed. Nutpuncher definitely would have. Kit would have scowled.
But none of them were here. White had all the power, but he was also alone. What did that say? Undoubtedly all his other friends envied him. They always had. Unsurprisingly, given that he was the best gamer, with the strongest characters.
It was quite natural for them to be jealous.
Finally, an eternity later, the carpet broke the billowing clouds and he glimpsed the smoking volcano where Bert had made a new lair. Mount Dhuuum was legendary among experienced gamers, because the forge there could be used to create artifacts.
White had already intended to take it at some point, but Bert using it had hastened his plan. They gradually descended as they approached the mountain, and White ordered the carpet to set down near the base of the dark slopes, well away from the entrance.
Bert had proven his most canny opponent, and as White was coming onto the dark lord’s turf he needed to exercise caution. Bert might have a surprise that could destroy the bulk of White’s army.
White remained confident that he himself would be safe, but losing weeks worth of minions would be highly irritating at the very least.
Once the carpet had finally landed White addressed the full army. “Surround the mountain. Ensure that there are no secret ways in or out.”
Now that they’d arrived, patience would be more valuable than brute force. White had brought enough minions to cover every entrance, and to cautiously explore the mountain without needing to enter himself.
Once his army had completed their maneuver and surrounded the mountain, White waved at the troops closest to the cavern leading inside. “Gather your troops. March into the labyrinth. Kill. EVERYTHING!”
White smugly folded his arms as undead began clanking their way into the dungeon. The dark lord would resist, but he would find himself outmatched by a superior opponent.
30
Unionized
Kit stood behind a boulder as White’s army descended from the sky. She watched his troops debark and methodically encircle the entire mountain. He’d brought far more undead than they could ever hope to beat.
Even if Bert’s monsters proved surprisingly effective there was simply no way to best all of White’s army, much less the necromancer himself.
It didn’t surprise Kit in the least when White hung back and let his minions do all the work. He wouldn’t enter the volcano until absolutely certain nothing could threaten him.
She ducked back inside and hurried into the labyrinth. It took her longer than she’d have liked to sprint to the large room where Bert had gathered his monsters, and she blinked as she realized they were all holding signs.
Stronger together, read one. We want representation, read another. Bert stood at the front of the room waving his arms and trying to get the attention of the monsters, but chaos ruled.
“Please, no more unions. Monsters pay attention!” Bert’s voice boomed, and magic twisted the room, forcing them to all look in his direction. “There. Much better. Bert understand. Monsters upset.”
“We just got new lairs,” Shelia yelled from the back. “We’re not abandoning this place just because of a few wights.”
Bert counted on his fingers, then repeated it. “Bert think there 9,000 wights. That’s a lot of wights. Bert not want monsters to get hurt. We should hide below, and let White take rock.”
“No way!” snorted the hungry hungry rhino. “Those bastards going to pay for invading our homes. We stand and fight.”
“Bert, what’s going on?” Kit rushed up to the stage and knelt next to the perplexed goblin, who blinked up at her with large eyes.
“Monsters unionize,” Bert explained with a sad sigh. He shifted back and forth from foot to foot and eyed them in consternation. “Bert worried they get killed, but they won’t leave. So Bert think only one choice. Have to fight.”
“There’s a spot of good news on that front.” Kit moved to the corner of the room, as far from where enemy forces would appear as she could get. “White won’t come himself, not at first. He’ll test your defenses. That means he’ll send a bunch of wights.”
“Okay. We fight.” Bert balled a fist, and peered up at her with determination. “Bert want to buff monsters. Kit good sorceress. What buffs we use?”
“Haste. Barkskin. Mirror image.” Kit began ticking off fingers. “I can cast most of them, and I already have them memorized. All I get to do with White is buff.”
“Bert remember.” He rolled his eyes, and she recalled that Bert had shadowed them for months. He’d seen everything she’d been through, even if she hadn’t been aware of it at the time. “Bert remember White get mad even when you do what he tell you. Please buff monsters.”
So Kit did. She began her familiar litany of buff spells, chosen first by duration, then by potency of effect. Adventurers stacked buffs as high as they could before a fight, which increased their power exponentially. Haste gave an extra attack. Bull’s strength made them hit harder, and more accurately. Mirror image projected ghostly doubles so your opponent didn’t know which was real.
On and on she layered the buffs until the monsters glowed with power. She’d only just finished when they heard the clanking of many booted feet in the distance.
Kit saved her final spell for herself, and whispered an invisibility. She faded into the shadows, completely obscured to all non-magical sight. Bert got the same benefits simply by being a critter, though she did see him casting several buff spells.
“I like your armor,” she whispered from the shadows. “Very menacing.”
“Yes!” Bert hopped up and down. “Bert scary. Rawr!”
The first wight marched into the room. It held a kite shield before it, which protected everything from the thighs up. Well, theoretically at least.
The hungry hungry rhino stepped before the other monsters and sucked in a tremendous breath. At first Kit had no idea how that might intimidate the many undead marching into the room, but then the rhino began spitting projectiles.
Marbles flashed through the room, the dense glass slamming into targets with hideous force. The first three all pinged off the shield, each knocking the wight back a step. Then two more marbles took it in the knees, and it toppled.
Another wight leapt through the gap, and another, but Sheila the spider rushed forward, larger and stronger than the undead. She seized the first two, and then the pair behind them, and began wielding them as weapons. Four of her legs spun as the wights crashed into their companions, and the spider killed dozens, until their bodies piled high enough to block the door.
“Save some for us!” one of the Gulls cried. A whole flock of Naz Gulls waddled over to where Sheila fought.
The spider abandoned the wights she’d been using as weapons, and instead seized a quartet of Naz Gulls. She spun the birds around her, each screeching in terror as she pushed out of the room into the hallway where the undead had come from.
/> To Kit’s immense surprise the spider forced White’s forces back, and the other monsters followed her as they took the fight to the enemy.
The Brownie Monster charged past his companions and tackled a wight. “B for brownie!” He began slamming its skull into the ground until he’d crushed it to powder.
All around them the wights fell back, and Kit’s breast swelled with pride as Bert’s forces pushed back the undead. On and on they drove them, until they forced the last few wights back out of the labyrinth.
Ragged cheers went up from the monsters, and Bert walked down the line high-fiving his minions. “Good job! Good job! You get raise, Sheila. And promotion. You definitely in charge of other monsters.”
The spider picked up her pink purse and withdrew a handkerchief so she could blow her…whatever spiders had in place of a nose. “I’m so grateful. Thank you so much, Dark Lord. I’ve always wanted to be in charge of something.”
“Bert have favor though.” He shifted back and forth uncomfortably. “If bad necromancer come in dungeon must let Bert deal with him. Try to keep monsters away, or they will get killed.”
“I’m sorry, Lord. I can’t do that.” Sheila gave a low arachnid bow. “It’s our job to protect you, or die trying. You should get to safety. Don’t you worry. We’ll stop them!”
Kit wasn’t so sure, but followed Bert as the goblin reluctantly trudged from the room.
31
Brownie Bits
White suppressed a surge of irritation as the last of his legion fell in the very entryway of the labyrinth. It told him that the defenders hadn’t merely given ground, but had been strong enough to force the invaders out of their territory. It meant a second legion would meet the same fate. And probably a third.
Even producing eleven wights an hour he wasn’t willing to sacrifice any more legions. White needed to deal with this situation personally.
He smoothed his tunic and strode into the mouth of hell, the cavernous entryway to Mount Dhuuum. There was no sign of the defenders, who’d wisely fallen back rather than face him directly. He wouldn’t want to face himself either.
That left White alone in the maze, and he slowly and methodically wandered. And wandered. And wandered. Eventually he realized there must be some sort of enchantment that prevented victims from leaving the maze. That had to be it. It was impossible he’d merely gotten lost. Dark lords did not get lost.
Wasn’t one supposed to pick a wall and follow it? He should have been doing that the entire time, but at least there was no one around to witness his noobish-ness.
An eternity later White finally spilled out into a large room. Not the end of the maze, but perhaps the first waypoint. A flock of malignant seagulls crowded the room, and glared at him as if he had something to fear.
Judging by the piles of white liquid on the ground beneath their perches White suspected they’d been here for some time. He advanced into the room, and turned a sneer in their direction. “And what, precisely, are you supposed to be? I’ve never seen a less intimidating encounter. You can’t be more than a CR 2.”
“CR 12!” they crooned in unison. One of the birds waddled forward, and judging by the black crown it wore he suspected it must be the leader. “We are the gulls of Naz, and we fear no man, for the Eye of Soreness himself has prophesied that we cannot be slain by the hand of man.”
“Stupid birds.” White snorted a laugh, and crossed his arms as he prepared to enlighten them. “There are so many loopholes to that prophecy. For example, what about the foot of man? I could step on you.” He pointed down at his foot. “I’m not going to though.” White smiled magnanimously, friend to friend. “You see, I’m no a man.” White unzipped his trousers, and gave them the business. “I have no balls. And thus, your prophecy is meaningless to me.”
The birds scattered, each clawing at the others to flee the room.
“Yes!” White cackled. “You’ve realized that your stupid prophecy doesn’t apply to me.”
“No,” cried one bird.
“Ugh,” cried another. “You literally just exposed yourself to us. NGL. Not a good look, man.”
Anger surged in White, and he summoned his magic. “Decrusto!”
A bolt of eldritch energy shot from his hand, and split into a dozen bolts, which homed in on the birds. They tried to flap away, but it availed them not. The disintegrates unerringly found their targets, each bird exploding with a sudden pop. When it was over, nothing but feathers and the black rings from their legs remained.
White rolled his eyes as he stepped over the remains and continued through the maze. This time he started by following the same wall, and was rewarded about twenty minutes later when he reached the next large room. It contained another monster, this one enough of a threat that White slowed and gave it his full attention.
A large nuppet stood at the far end of the chamber. Brown shaggy fur covered his entire body, and those dead lifeless eyes had fixed directly on White. When the nuppet spoke, White had to strain to catch the words. “B is for brownie.”
And then the creature blurred forward. He’d never seen anyone move so fast, and guessed that the nuppet had at least a +20 to initiative. That shouldn’t be possible, but there it was.
A brown shaggy fist cracked toward his face, but the invisible shield diverted it with a ripple of magic. Another fist and another. Blows rained down faster than he could track, and White realized his shield had gone down.
Another punch fell, and this one did real damage. White had no more patience, and activated another spell-like ability. Dark energy rippled out around his entire body, enveloping him in its protection.
The nuppet didn’t care. It continued to punch him, but now each time a blow landed the damage reflected back to the attacker. Again and again the shaggy nuppet punched White, and each time it staggered back from its own blow.
“Are you really going to keep trying?” White sneered at the doomed nuppet. “Run. Maybe I’ll let you live.”
“B. For. Brownie.” The creatures eyes narrowed, and it charged White one last time.
White made no move to dodge, and when the blow fell it rebounded to the attacker, who wasn’t terribly bright. The kinetic force was so great it caused the nuppet to explode, peppering White with chunks of brownie, and less identifiable bits.
“Fool.” White stepped over the body with a laugh.
But then he forgot to follow the left wall again, and by the time he realized it he’d returned to the first room. Near the beginning of the level. White glared around him, but no one had witnessed his folly.
He stalked back the way he’d come, and again followed the left wall. About forty minutes later he reached the remains of the Brownie Monster, and then finally he made it further into the maze.
White followed the left wall, and an eternity later finally arrived at a flight of stairs leading to the next level. In the distance he spotted an angry orange glow. A volcanic glow. He had to be nearing the end of the maze.
Soon the Dark Lord Bert would be out of places to hide.
32
Wizard's Duel
Bert winced as the Brownie Monster died. He released the scrying spell—such a useful thing, up there with cleaning himself. He turned back to Kit, who eyed him sympathetically.
“What are you going to do?” The elf rested a hand on his shoulder, which Bert appreciated. It wasn’t quite a hug, but it perked him right up.
“Bert have to save monsters.” He began to pace, as that always helped with difficult problems. “Bert probably going to have to attack White directly. Get his attention. Will Kit help?” He peered up at his friend, who shifted uncomfortably.
“If you really think it’s the best way.” Kit chewed on her lower lip. “I don’t know if we can take White.”
“Bert not sure we can, but have to try.” Bert waddled into the hallway. His armor made walking a bit more difficult, but he absolutely loved the way it made him feel like a proper dark lord.
His monsters
were willing to die for him, which really touched Bert. He wanted to do right by them. Boberton was safely stashed outside the maze, but the surviving monsters were still in danger. They simply refused to listen to him. Bert was finding unions very inconvenient so far.
He waddled as quickly as he could manage, and heard Kit’s paws pad behind him as the sorceress returned to fox form. That gave Bert strength, and he forced himself to march up the corridor.
He’d already memorized the maze, so he quickly wove a path to the next room he knew White would appear in. Bert moved to stand in the center of the room, and waited for his opponent to arrive.
“I’ll be invisible in the corner. You’ve got my support.” Kit’s voice reassured Bert, though he was still terrified as he waited for White.
Bert had no idea if this was the correct course of action, but if he was not willing to take the same risks he asked of his monsters, then he was a poor lord indeed.
So Bert waited.
Quite some time later White finally trudged into the room, and from his expression Bert supposed he probably wasn’t all that thrilled about the maze. Who didn’t like mazes?
“Hullo.” Bert waved up at White. At first his rival didn’t seem to notice him, but eventually he glanced down at Bert with a start. “Hey there, dark elf person. My name Bert. You invade dungeon. Not cool. Bert kill you in wizard’s duel now, okay?”
White began to laugh. He laughed and laughed, on and on. It was quite rude, and Bert had rarely been so offended. He waited politely for White to finish, then stuck out his tongue.
“You are going to duel me? You still have one hit point.” White chuckled. “There’s no way you can win. Not even if I let you get in a free spell. Go ahead. Do your worst.”