“I’m not going anywhere.”
He scooped me up and carried me to the bedroom. Placing me on the bed, he removed our shoes and coats and crawled in beside me. I rested my head on his chest and cried until I felt as cold and empty as Grady had accused me of being.
But that wasn’t exactly true. I was filled with rage, filled with frustration … filled with pain and desperation. I don’t know why I started kissing Cougar, other than maybe—just for a little while—I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to feel so alone.
I turned my face into his neck, brushing feverish little kisses against his skin. He groaned, and his arm tightened around me. Brazenly, I crawled on top of him and kissed his mouth in earnest. It was a kiss of desperation, need, and maybe even anger, but he responded to it. As my hands wound in his thick hair, tugging him closer, deeper, his fingers dug into my hips, practically lifting me off the ground. His tongue met mine thrust for thrust, feeding the dark feverish desire that had taken possession of me.
But then he grabbed my shoulders and pushed me back.
“Um, no, Necie,” he gasped. “What are you doing?”
“Make love to me,” I begged. “I need you.”
“What? He sounded shocked. “Baby, no. This isn’t what you need.”
“It’s exactly what I need. Please. Don’t you want me?”
“Of course, I want you, but—”
“Then stop talking,” I said, and leaned to kiss him again.
I felt him fighting himself, and knowing that he wanted me made me more desperate for him than ever. He turned his face away again, and I kissed his throat.
“Necie, stop,” he said forcefully, his breath ragged. “I won’t hurt you. I won’t take advantage of you. You’re tired, scared—”
I felt absurdly near tears and unjustifiably angry when I said, “You’re right. I am tired, and I am scared and I can’t sleep and I can’t breathe. I’m not asking for commitment. It doesn’t have to mean anything. All I’m asking you for is tonight, for you to help me shut out all these voices in my head. Just for a little while, let me feel something besides fear.”
He didn’t say anything. I felt the tension humming from his body.
I slipped off my shirt and reached behind me to unfasten my bra. After tossing it onto the floor, I took his hand and brought it to my mouth.
“Please,” I said, and sucked gently on his finger. “Please, Jason, don’t deny me this. I’m not drugged this time. I know what I want.”
He groaned, and I knew I’d won. I took his hands and placed them on my bare breasts.
He growled my name as he stroked them. I leaned to brush one hard nipple across his mouth. He nuzzled it, licked it … then he took it in his mouth and sucked hard. I cried out, my back arching as he devoured me. He flipped me onto my back and rained kisses on my chest. His knee slid between my legs, forcing my thighs open. His erection throbbed through the thin denim of my pants. His tongue invaded my mouth while he tugged at my zipper. Hot with anticipation, I had my first orgasm before he’d even gotten me out of my jeans.
He left a trail of fiery kisses from my breasts down my stomach. I lifted my hips to help him slide off my jeans. His fingers slipped inside the edge of my panties, and he groaned when he found me wet. Wanting.
I nearly ripped his shirt off him and tore at his zipper. Never had I felt anything so primal, so powerful. I craved his body like a drug, resenting even the few seconds it took him to put on protection.
Then we were both naked, our bodies hot and slick as they slid against each other.
“Necie, are you sure?” he gasped, and in response, I guided him inside me.
He pounded into me, knowing somehow that’s what I needed. Then he rolled me over.
Sweat sheened our bodies, and my headboard banged against the wall as I rode him. He begged me to slow down, but I couldn’t as I careened toward the most explosive orgasm of my life.
“Say my name,” he begged hoarsely.
“Jason,” I murmured. “Jason.” I nearly sobbed as the tension inside me wound tighter and tighter. Suddenly, white light exploded behind my eyes like a migraine, blinding me as my insides seemed to shatter in a liquid release. “Jason!” I screamed.
Delicious waves of sensation slammed into me. I was so dazed I barely felt it as he pumped faster and faster beneath me. Then he cried out and rose halfway off the bed with his climax.
For several minutes, I couldn’t move. I rested my head in my arms, holding myself up with the help of the headboard. I was sucking wind like a dying fish, and Cougar didn’t sound much better beneath me.
My legs trembled so badly I barely had the strength to climb off him. Exhausted, I rolled onto my side away from him. Cougar rolled onto his side, too, and pulled me against him. His heart beat against my back like a jackhammer.
His lovemaking accomplished what I’d hoped it would. I slumped against him, too tired and too spent to think about anything. Just before I drifted off, I noticed that my breathing matched the rhythm of his.
I jolted awake a few hours later, my mouth open wide in a soundless scream. Caught up in the remnants of a nightmare I couldn’t remember, I pushed Cougar away and sat up. He never stirred. Moonlight glowed silver though the window, and I felt a stir of panic while I gazed at his handsome face.
What had I done?
I felt so ashamed. My daughter was out there somewhere—needing me, and where was I? I was so weak. So weak and stupid.
I jumped up and quietly grabbed a change of clothes out of my closet. Moving down the hall, I shut the bathroom door behind me and snatched a towel from the rack to wedge in the crack between the door and the floor to muffle the sound of my shower.
Hot water beat against my back, and tears streamed down my face while I wondered what I was going to do next. I was tired of waiting for someone else to find Abby. I was going to have to do it myself.
After locking the apartment door behind me, I called a cab and waited in the parking lot. When it got there, I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go. I contemplated visiting Barnes, or visiting his lawyer, but I figured that anything he was going to do, he’d be doing it already. I only wished he would call and tell me if he knew anything.
I asked the cabbie to drop me at headquarters. I killed some time in the cafeteria, eating breakfast out of a vending machine and drinking bitter coffee, then I went to find Bill.
He was a notorious early bird, but I still had to wait around another hour before he arrived. His eyebrows shot up when he stepped off the elevator and saw me sitting in the reception area.
“Necie! Any word on Abby?”
“No. Can I talk to you in your office?”
“Sure,” he said. He held the door for me and pulled out a chair with his foot as he passed by.
“There’s been no news. That’s why I’m here. I need your help.”
“Anything.”
“I need to see the Barnes surveillance tapes.”
Bill frowned. “Why?”
Steeling myself, I said, “I have reason to believe that Maria Barnes is involved in Abby’s kidnapping.”
Instead of the surprise I expected, Bill merely grimaced.
“Because of the affair?” he asked.
I almost asked how he knew, but then I realized … Bill had been in charge of the surveillance operation. Of course, he knew.
“I wanted to tell you,” he said.
Ignoring the stab of betrayal, I said, “She’s out to get me. She’s the one who drugged me, and she’s the person who burned down my house.”
My cell rang, and I glanced at the caller ID. It was Cougar. I shut the phone off.
“I know the tapes better than anyone, Necie. I haven’t seen the guy.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
The phone rang, and he motioned for me to wait.
“Daniels, how—” His eyes widened. “You’re kidding! What happened? You’re sure it’s him?” He scribbled so
mething on a Post-it. “When you get a positive ID, I want to know.”
He hung up and stared into space for a moment. Then he looked at me.
“There’s been an explosion at the prison. Frank Barnes is dead.”
CHAPTER
15
My vision swam, and it took effort to focus on him. “What?”
“Some crude explosive device in his cell, rigged to the light switch.”
I pressed my hand to my mouth, a dizzying wave of emotions flashing over me.
“He said the bodies were burned pretty badly, but they seem confident that it’s Barnes and his cell mate.”
The news left me reeling, unsure of what to feel, other than scared. How would Maria react? Now nothing stood between us.
I sat in Bill’s office for a few more minutes, struggling to compose myself while simultaneously trying to look normal.
This time it was Bill’s phone that rang. When he glanced at it and said, “The wife,” I excused myself and walked into the hall.
I took a detour to the ladies room and splashed my face, trying to clear my head.
I’d been counting on Barnes’ help, his ability to influence Maria …
Now what was I going to do?
Moving toward the elevator, a familiar, husky laugh stopped me in my tracks. I turned my head in slow motion to see Cougar standing in Kim’s office. He hugged her, then smacked a kiss on her cheek.
Wow. At least it had taken Grady four years to cheat on me.
A lump rose in my throat, and I hated myself for caring. Dropping my head, I hurried for the elevator.
My heart sank when he called out my name. I jabbed the elevator button, pretending I didn’t hear him.
“Necie!” he called again, closer this time. I didn’t turn around.
Damn, damn, damn. I punctuated each curse with a jab of the down arrow. Maybe I should just throw myself out the nearest window.
“Hey.” He caught my arm and forced me to look at him. Everything about him looked a little sharper in the fluorescent light—the damp brown hair darkened almost black from his shower, the shadows in his eyes … I could smell my soap on his skin, and the sensual rush I felt at the sight of him horrified me. Sleeping with him had been a mistake. Letting this go any farther would be a disaster.
“What?” I asked briskly.
His tentative smile dissolved into a frown. He tucked a sheaf of papers under his left arm, and hooked his right through mine. “Let’s talk,” he said, and dragged me down the hall without waiting on a reply.
“Hey!” I said, yanking free. “I’ve got to go. Why don’t you go talk to Kim?”
Cougar pushed me into an empty office and shut the door behind him. He regarded me quizzically. “Is that what this is about? You’re jealous?”
“Don’t be stupid. I am not,” I snapped.
He grinned. “Are, too.”
I wasn’t about to get into a schoolyard argument with him. Poking my finger at his chest, I said, “Look, my daughter’s missing. You’re not even a blip on my radar right now. Is that clear?”
His smile faded, and his eyes glittered like blue diamonds. “Crystal. I guess I should’ve gotten that message when I woke up and found you gone.” He yanked the papers from beneath his arm and slapped them on the desk. “For the record, since I’m not a bastard like Grady, all I was getting from Kim were more DMV records.”
I felt stupid, and sorry for being so short-tempered with him. I caught his arm when he grabbed the doorknob.
“Cougar …”
He grimaced. “So we’re back to Cougar now?”
“What?”
He stroked the scar on his forehead and stared over my shoulder. “Did I… did I do something wrong last night?”
The pain in his eyes stunned me when his gaze slid to mine. “No,” I whispered.
“Then what is it? You asked me to stay at your apartment last night. You begged me to stay. But now you’re pushing me away. I thought it was good between us. Was I wrong?”
“No, I—” Turning away, I rubbed my eyes. I couldn’t do this right now.
He touched my shoulders, and his big hands felt so good that I had to resist the silly urge to lean into him. “I thought this was something real.”
Something real?
I whirled to face him. “I don’t understand. Why are you acting like this? It was good. It was great—”
“I’m not looking for an ego massage here,” he said, his voice rising. I tried to shush him, and when that didn’t work, I talked over him. Probably the whole office was listening, but I didn’t care. I had more important things to worry about.
“Why are you acting like this?” I repeated.
He threw his arms wide. “Me? You want to know why I’m acting like this? You couldn’t have made me feel more used if you’d thrown a couple of twenties on the dresser—”
“Used? What are you talking about? I told you I wasn’t asking for a commitment. It was just sex—”
“It wasn’t just sex to me,” he said.
His statement stole the words from my lips. We stood nose to nose, so close his breath moved my hair.
“I love you,” he said.
I blinked once. Twice. Waiting for him to deliver the punch line. When he didn’t, I laughed anyway. “What? You love me?”
“Is that so hard to believe?” he demanded, his face reddening.
“Coming from you—yeah, it is.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
A sharp rap on the door made us both turn. The door cracked open, and Luke Jacobi, another agent, peered in.
“What?” we both yelled, and Luke flushed. “Necie, I need to talk to you. It’s really important, so when you’re finished—”
“Oh, we’re finished,” Cougar said, shouldering past me. “We’re beyond finished.”
He pushed past Luke, who stared at me open-mouthed. I turned my back to him and grabbed the phone records off the desk. Folding them, I stuffed them in my purse.
“What is it?” I asked, when Luke didn’t speak.
“There are some men on the way. Feds. They want to talk to you, said they couldn’t get you on the phone.”
The phone. Damn it. I’d forgotten to turn it back on.
“Did they say what it was about? Have they found Abby?”
Luke blanched. “Necie, I think you’d better wait—”
Fear washed over me in a cold, breathtaking wave. I staggered against the desk. “Luke, I can tell you know something. Talk to me!”
He stared down at the floor. His Adam’s apple bobbed when he swallowed. “There’s … ah … a little girl, in the morgue at County General. They’re checking dental records now—”
Whatever Luke was saying was lost in the roaring of my pulse in my ears. With a trembling hand, I yanked my cell phone out of my purse and punched in Cougar’s number.
When I heard his “hello,” all I could say was his name. I grabbed the edge of the desk to keep from falling.
“You called me,” he said pointedly, when I said nothing else.
“Abby,” I gasped. My teeth chattered so hard I thought they’d break. “It’s Abby. They think … they think … There’s a girl, at the morgue …”
Instantly, his voice changed. “Babe, is Luke still there with you?”
Numbly, I nodded, before I realized he couldn’t see me.
“Y-y-yesss,” I stuttered.
“Put him on the phone. I’m on my way. Don’t move until I get there.”
I handed the phone to Luke and sank to my knees on the thin gray carpet, hugging myself.
Not my baby. Not Abby. Oh, please, God, not Abby.
Time blurred while I prayed. Someone’s child was dead. Someone’s little girl. And all I could do was pray that it wasn’t mine.
A pair of strong arms slipped around me, and I turned my head against Cougar’s neck when he hugged me.
“Baby, it’s okay,” he soothed, his voice raspy and hoar
se. “We don’t know anything for sure.”
“Take me to the hospital. Please.”
“We’re going right now.” A sea of concerned co-workers parted as Cougar led me to the elevator.
He kept talking to me, and somehow I drew strength from him.
We made it to County General in record time.
“Hold the elevator!” Cougar yelled, sticking his hand out to stop the sliding door.
Grady’s frantic eyes met mine. Tears streamed down his cheeks, and wordlessly, he held out his arms. I let go of Cougar’s hand long enough to hug him.
My stomach lurched as the elevator descended to the basement.
Grady charged ahead when the doors opened, following the arrows to the morgue. I noticed the restrooms directly across and remembered a cop joking about the bathrooms being directly outside the morgue so the rookies wouldn’t have so far to run.
When Grady touched the swinging doors, Cougar grabbed his arm. “Hey, man, let me go in. If it is her—”
“If it is her, I need to see for myself,” Grady said, and shouldered past him. Cougar turned to me, placing both hands on my shoulders.
“Necie, you don’t need to go in there. Not yet. Let me go.”
Bile rose in my throat, and I felt myself nodding. I didn’t think I could see Abby stretched out on one of those slabs. I couldn’t do it.
Cougar kissed the top of my head and pushed through the doors.
Time seemed to stand still while I waited for them to emerge. The only sound I heard was the buzz of the fluorescent light over my head.
Then Grady burst through the doors with his hand over his mouth.
He barreled past me into the men’s room, and I heard him gagging. My heart clenched in my chest like a fist.
Cougar burst through the morgue doors and seized me in his arms. “It’s not her,” he said. “It’s not her.”
My knees sagged, but I was safely pinned in Cougar’s arms. “Are you sure?” I asked.
“I’m positive. Fucking feds should’ve never called until they were sure. I’m gonna ream somebody over this.”
I was about to ask Cougar to check on Grady when I heard the roar of a water faucet. He stepped out of the bathroom a moment later, his blond hair dripping water, his face the same shade of gray as his jacket.
Paint It Black Page 24