Dr Becky Lionbarr – The University of Structural and Mechanical Bloating
“The Advantages of being a Hippopotamus”
The much derided comedy animal the hippopotamus has been closely studied by Dr Lionbarr and her group over the past week and a half. Here she explains that not all hippopotami are created equal. Some of them are intelligent, peaceful, trustworthy animals that care for their young and mind their own business. Other hippopotami, however, are right stupid bastards. This latter group have been observed trying to head butt ants, climbing trees and attempting to swallow horses whole. Becky presents hippopotamus society as never seen before by drawing it in crayon on a very long roll of lavatory paper.
The Mystery of
The Spawn Hog
By our horrifying swine expert Virginia Daisymouth
On New Year’s Eve 1963 a great party was taking place to celebrate the New Year at Nelipot Hall, a rainbow-coloured wood and rubber-constructed stately home in rural Galloway near Scotland. Nelipot Hall had been home to the Nelipot family for over 10,000 years and was currently the domicile of Lord Wilbur Nelipot, his wife Lady Millicent Nelipot and their daughter Mavis. Wilbur Nelipot was a tall imposing figure who always dressed in full highland dress of kilt, waistcoat, tartan high heels and a medium length blond wig. His wife Millicent was a tall and creepy woman with a bald head and a beautiful smile. She always wore a skin-tight rubber cat suit apart from on special occasions when she would wear a full suit of armour, complete with drinking straw attachment.
The Spawn Hog was a creature said by locals to haunt Nelipot Hall. They say it was created one terrible night in 1407 when the then Lord Nelipot, Rupert, made a pact with the Devil. Rupert Nelipot was a weak man and lived in fear of his domineering wife Cindy. He eventually arrived at the point of hanging himself to free himself from Cindy’s abusive taunts when, it is rumoured, the Devil himself appeared in front of him and offered him an alternative.
The Devil would turn Cindy into the Spawn Hog in return for a lifetime’s devotion from Rupert. Rupert enquired what a Spawn Hog was and the Devil explained. The Spawn Hog has the face of a pig and the body of the converted person. It would be under the control of Rupert and all subsequent Lords of Nelipot. Sometimes it would make itself visible to others and sometimes not. Rupert would be able to control the Spawn Hog purely by thought, as long as he remained devoted to the Devil and spurned any other worshipful master. Rupert agreed and instantly the Spawn Hog appeared before his very eyes and what a ghastly, stinking creature it was. It was six feet tall with Cindy’s majestic naked body topped off with a huge, sweaty, drooling, snorting pig’s head. It was a truly terrifying sight and Rupert was initially shocked before breaking into a slight giggle and then hysterically laughing at the plight of his monstrosity of a wife. At least this was the rumour among the local town’s folk.
Wilbur Nelipot had always denied any knowledge of such a creature and attributed it to local gossip and folklore. His wife Millicent had heard the rumours but she too attributed them to local legend drummed up to attract visitors to the house in the summer months. The huge stately home needed paying customers to help fund the gibbon sanctuary and full size naval dockyard to the rear of the house and help to fund Wilbur and Millicent’s hobby of re-enacting great historical plagues and floods.
The 1963 party was in full swing and everyone was enjoying themselves bringing in the New Year. However, for Lord Nelipot the evening soon took a turn for the worse. One of the young men from the town, who had always been pestering Mavis for a date, had turned up with some of his friends. Young Rocco Ravensblood was always a trouble maker and took great delight in attempting to woo the Lord’s daughter. Wilbur had chased him away from Mavis before but the lad was persistent and this time he was drunk and making a nuisance of himself in the Great Hall. Even though he was a pest, Mavis was flattered by the attention and couldn’t help herself from chatting and flirting with him. Wilbur knew he would need to keep his eye on him.
As the evening wore on, all the revellers in the Great Hall were having a great time as 1964 edged ever closer and Mavis was beginning to let her hair down a bit, as she felt the effect of the full bottle of Jack Daniels she had downed earlier. She enjoyed adventurous past-times and had rented a top of the range cement mixer and was whizzing around inside it along with a full quota of cement. She was laughing and giggling hysterically as she leapt from the cement mixer straight onto the back of her pet zebra Stripy Joe Wilson. She rode around the Great Hall at speed, trampling the odd guest but having the time of her life as her long black hair flowed majestically behind her. She suddenly jumped off Stripy Joe and landed on top of the mantelpiece. It was at this point that she decided to put some clothes on. In what seemed like a minute but was actually two minutes, Mavis returned and immediately challenged her suitor from the village to a drinking contest.
Lord Nelipot and his wife looked on in horror as their slag of a daughter caused an embarrassing scene and many of the other guests felt uneasy in the company of this 21 year-old female nutcase. Lord Nelipot strode over to where his daughter had just downed a litre of vodka in one go and was sitting on the shoulders of her newly acquired boyfriend. He demanded that she behave or she would be sent to bed. Mavis told her father to “Go fuck a duck” just as Rocco punched Lord Nelipot flush on the nose. Everyone in the Great Hall gasped at this outrage as a trickle of blood dripped off the end of Lord Nelipot’s aristocratic beak. Wilbur of Nelipot then took a long look at his errant daughter and her contemptible paramour and said in a chilling and almost whispering tone “Okay then Mavis, if you won’t behave I’ll have to deal with you and your friend using an alternative method”. Wilbur then exited the hall via a secret panel door next to the full size statue of Robin, the Lord’s childhood pet ant.
In what seemed like five minutes but was really only four, Lord Nelipot returned holding his favourite baseball bat, Old Wooden Jim. He noticed that most of the guests had left the Great Hall and were milling around the hallway, obviously disgusted at the behaviour of Mavis and Rocco, who were currently swinging naked from the magnificent Capodimonte chandelier. Concealing Old Wooden Jim behind him, the exasperated Lord requested that his daughter and associate come down from the chandelier and leave the premises. In unison the errant pair told the lord to “Fuck right off,” as they continued their exhilarating mayhem. Immediately Lord Wilbur swung his bat and smashed it heavily against his daughter’s buttocks, knocking her off her perch. A second swing of the bat thumped brutally into Rocco’s groin and he too was battered to the ground. The incensed Lord then began a ferocious series of blows to the pair, battering them from one end of the hall to the other until they suddenly decided they had pressing business elsewhere. Wilbur opened one of the splendid opalescent stained glass windows and threw the pair out. They landed with a thud and a whimper at the bottom of the 190-foot drop, one on top of the other and the disruption was over. The guests then returned to the Great Hall and restarted the festivities as Lady Nelipot came over to her husband. “Thank heavens for that Wilbur,” she said, “I thought you were going to release the Spawn Hog on that noisy pair of disruptive bastards”. “Spawn Hog? Isn’t that just folklore dreamt up by the townsfolk my dear?” replied the smiling Lord, as he turned his gaze upwards to a tiny window where the wall meets the ceiling, to see two small piggy eyes smiling back at him.
Finance and Foreplay Tuition
Why not visit The Milk Store. We have Dry Roasted milk, Monkey milk, Pig and Piglet milk, Jellied milk and Removable milk. Coming soon, Horse milk and Collapsible milk.
Public Notice
If you have any unripe fruit or veg, you are now entitled to hand it in to any one of the 66 Government-run Ripening Shops situated around the country. This is a completely free service for the nominal fee of £16.99. For more details.
Win a family fork by answering the following question: What is the correct spelling of the word Baboon? Send your answer written clearly on a spoon to Fin
lay Squampo, 39 Healthboard Road, Gubbenstery.
Enjoy a great night out at The Chewing Dog pub. We have fine ales, custard on tap and monthly courses on personal hygiene. Take part in our nightly basketball training and 110m hurdles heats or simply chat up one of our bar staff. 55 Babyjesus Street, Eastern Glord.
For a great day out why not come and visit Les Matthews, the talking dog of Pollerang. Les will discuss any topic with you for a fiver or two tins of Houndo dog food. Phone Miss Vivian Warts on Pollerang 0101 for details and free light switch.
Selection of cutting remarks now available. Amaze your friends with your new put downs and barbed comments. Phone Geronimo McDougall a bit later on.
Important Educational Report
Ironball
Healthy Sport or Indiscriminate Slaughter?
By our violent sports reporter Larry Masterpig
Local authorities around the country have recently become alarmed about the growing popularity of a new sport being played in most secondary and some primary schools. The game which is causing all the concern is Ironball. This is a relatively recent addition to most school activities, although its origin is still unclear, as are most of the rules of Ironball. The main problem with Ironball is the sheer number of injuries suffered by pupils. Injuries include heavily bruised feet, cracked skulls, broken limbs, missing teeth and one case of canine distemper.
The multitude of injuries related to the playing of Ironball seems to stem from the actual rules of the game. Each school appears to play a slightly different version of Ironball but the basic premise is as follows. Two teams of five (boys, girls or mixed) endeavour to move a 10kg iron ball from one end of a 400m x 50m court to the other and then pass it through a traditional basketball hoop. Any method of moving the Ironball is allowed, so it can be thrown, carried or kicked forwards, sideways or backwards. When a player is in possession of the Ironball, players from the opposing team can try to gain possession of the Ironball by any means necessary. This can involve grabbing it, dislodging it, pushing the opponent to make him drop it or repeatedly punching and kicking the opponent to the ground until they release their bloodied grip on the Ironball.
Good players run forward carrying the Ironball in front of them. When a player from the opposing team approaches, they swing the Ironball wildly in the air like a wrecking ball, in an attempt to crash it into their opponent’s head to cause as much damage as possible. The very best players can push the Ironball ahead of them quickly and bounce it off the face or head of their opponent, catch it again and keep moving forward. The current British Champions of Ironball are The Barbarous School for Delinquent Boys in Glasgow. They have played over 500 games and have never been beaten. In a recent match, they won 25-0 and all of the opposing team were stretchered off in the first 15 minutes. One boy was unconscious for a week, another broke all his ribs and the captain, Janice Ornament, bit through her own tongue and lost a nostril. It is this level of violence and mayhem that objectors to Ironball are citing as the main reason to have it banned from schools.
Defenders of the sport, such as the Headmaster of St. Pricks Holy Borstal School, Arthur Bastard, claims it builds character, installs leadership skills and provides much needed practice for the school’s first aid department. Opposing Mr Bastard’s view is Lady Prunella Labium, Headmistress of Our Lady of the Brassiere School for Girls. She claims most of her girls that were once developing into beautiful young women are now cruelly distorted beasts of their former selves. Few have any teeth, most have been scalped and the head girl, Arlene Gasbomb, had both her legs bitten off in a recent friendly against St. Wildebeests Secondary School of Paisley. Education chiefs will be deciding next week whether to have Ironball banned in schools completely or to slacken the rules to allow stabbing, maiming and the throwing of boiling porridge at opponents.
Borstal News
The News Bulletin for the confined youth of today
By our incarceration reporter Arthur Ponderosa
Gubbenstery Central Borstal has announced that four inmates tried to escape last Saturday night following a drunken party. The illegal knees-up was held in the flower arranging department of D Wing. Ned Binbag, 21, a university student studying chemistry and serving 18 months for poisoning a tadpole, allegedly manufactured super strong hooch from shoe polish, leaves and phlegm. Binbag and three others tried to escape at midnight by jumping out of a ten-storey window onto a chair, which was placed in the exercise yard earlier. However, the first three jumpers missed the chair. One of them landed next to the chair and was killed on impact. Another landed on top of a parked car and was killed on impact. The third escapee was blown off course because he was wearing big trousers and glided over the perimeter wall onto a busy road and was knocked down and killed by an ice cream van. Only Binbag managed to land on the chair, breaking both his legs and all four legs of the chair. He also ruptured his eyeballs, fractured his tongue and severely lacerated both buttocks. He has since had his sentence increased to ten years. The Governor of the GCB, Mr Barry Yoothanazia, says steps have been taken to sweep up all leaves, terminate the use of shoe polish, collect all phlegm and ban all chemistry students from using the state-of-the-art borstal chemistry labs.
The chairman of East Buntyside Reform School for Bad Boys, Mr Declan Pamby, has announced a record intake of boys in the last semester. Usually the EBRSFBB would expect an intake of about 20 boys per semester but the most recent intake was 300. Boys aged between 10 and 40 can be incarcerated for crimes ranging from stealing sweets to international genocide. However, the bulk of the boys are in for arson, stealing chocolate bars and setting fire to chocolate bars. When asked his opinion on the large volume of new recruits Mr Pamby said, “This is fantastic news. It demonstrates that we are really making a big effort in the production of thugs and miscreants in this country. We should be proud.”
Glord Detention Centre has been locked down for the foreseeable future due to the escape of a prisoner. Nineteen year-old Ned Gubbity was reported missing yesterday morning when he failed to show up for one of his rehabilitation training courses. Gubbity had one more session to attend at his advanced head butting and knife wielding class and was considered a model student. However, following an incident with another inmate, he failed to show up and the alarm was raised. Later, staff found evidence of an escape. Apparently Gubbity had phoned a rental car company to deliver a car outside the main gate. He then parachuted off the top of the building using bed sheets and landed outside. He made off in the rental car and has not been seen since. Unsubstantiated reports claim he was sighted in a hardware shop in Glasgow. According to the shop owner, Sheldon Gonko, 59, Gubbity bought four sets of butcher knives. Police have reminded the public what to do if they see Gubbity. Tackle him head on using maximum aggression and kick him senseless until he is subdued. Once he has been trounced and tied up, take him along to the local police station.
One of the newest youth correctional facilities opened last week in Western Skonkage. The Reformatory for Distasteful Women opened its doors last Tuesday and replaces the outdated Skonkage Home for Abhorrent Ladies. The new facility is intended to house obnoxious girls aged 8-18 and will focus on retribution rather than rehabilitation. The newly appointed governor of the facility Mrs Shirley Monoblart said that any young women brought to the institution will be battered, beaten and bludgeoned in a fair and respectful manner. “These errant females have done bad things and it is our duty to exact revenge and punish them without pity. It’s what the public would expect,” said Mrs Monoblart yesterday with just a hint of a smile on her face.
The entire population of Blurting’s Borstal for Repugnant Boys and Girls has come down with amoebic dysentery. The correctional institution, which opened in 1921 and is famous for its leniency, is now a no-go area, except for some medical staff dressed in protective clothing. Tropical disease experts from the Brian Yamamoto Institute in Helsinki think they have discovered the source of the infection. Apparently the Governor, Mr Iain Vomitito, 59, ar
ranged a surprise birthday party for one of the inmates and as a special treat had a dead horse flown in from China to be roasted on a spit over a large bonfire. The horse, a 36 year-old stallion called Ming the horse, had mysteriously collapsed and died, so the owner put it up for sale. Mr Vomitito bought the horse for £2 after seeing an advertisement in the local paper. The horse had only been roasted for half an hour due to impatience on the part of the borstal’s chef, Slasher Simpkins, and so was only partially cooked. Every boy, girl and member of staff ate a plate of horse and all succumbed to the dastardly disease. They are all now on a course of high dose poultices and are being monitored around the clock by a specialist team of nuns from the local nunnery.
The Pollerang Beatings Centre, a vast complex on the eastern side of Central Pollerang, has been criticised by parents for being too lenient. The PBC was set up as a training facility for children aged 5-20 years as a means of beating some sense into them rather than sending them to a normal school. All core subjects come complete with particular beatings. This method has been proven by scientific testing to make children a lot more receptive to learning. For example, students learning English are punched in the stomach at the start of every lesson. Maths students are whipped every five minutes during lessons. Students learning sciences have half bricks thrown at them randomly throughout the lesson. One of the most popular courses is Languages. Pupils studying French or German are thumped on the back of the head with a mallet every eleven minutes, while students learning Hebrew and Tagalog are repeatedly electrocuted with varying voltages, depending on their performance. Parents are concerned that the regime at the Centre is not strict enough. One of the worried parents, 59 year-old Tony Megabird, father of Fantasia Megabird, 12, studying English and Tagalog, thinks that his daughter being punched and electrocuted on a daily basis is simply not enough. “What about being stabbed, shot, thrown down stairs or attacked by wild animals?” he said yesterday with an unsettling manic glee.
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