Large brown dog called Roger Taylor seeks human man with own car to drive long distances with my head out of the window. Email: [email protected].
Partially Qualified Doctor can treat left eye, back of neck, right thumb, some hair, bottom of left ankle, most of the tongue, all of the arse, some of the innards, inside of nose and a few other bits and bobs of anatomy. Call Dr Tyrone Boobies, 34 Cutthroat Street, North Gubbenstery.
Selection of cutting remarks now available. Amaze your friends with your new put downs and barbed comments. Phone Geronimo McDougall a bit later on.
Unusual Animal Facts: Vol.1
Compiled by our beast expert Elmer Hawbaw
The Hawaiian coughing monkey is the only known non-human creature to voluntarily smoke cigarettes. This has led to their distinctive raking cough which brings a smile to the faces of tourists. They never buy their own cigarettes, relying mainly on thieving them from passers-by and breaking into duty free shops.
The world’s last surviving talking dog died in Cape Town in 1911. Ian Thompson was a German shepherd and made a living commentating on horse races. He was bilingual and could commentate in English and Afrikaans, although strangely not German. In later years he took to swearing and hurling abuse at people if they didn’t take him walkies or offer him dog biscuits. Ian is buried next to his brother, Barry Thompson, on the Isle of Wight ferry.
The luckiest cat ever was a black and white tabby called Pauline Smith. Pauline was travelling with her owner, the actress Gilda de Manding, on a transatlantic flight from Los Angeles to New York when she was accidentally sucked out of a broken window. Pauline fell 35,000 feet and amazingly landed feet first next to a mouse in a field just outside Stumukontentz, Indiana. After eating the mouse Pauline settled into a luxury cattery in Indianapolis and lived to be 39, raising 2,000 kittens and 118,000 grand kittens.
The racehorse with the worst temper in history was the notorious grey mare Resentful Bint. RB, as she was known, was a superb thoroughbred and won many races, but this success came at a price. On most occasions when the jockey would be dismounting in the paddock, he would immediately be kicked to death by RB. The owner, Lord Sulphate of Campbeltown, overlooked these small indiscretions as long as RB kept winning. However, on the 1st of June 1972, RB had just won the Hiphop stakes by a length and a half from Guppo’s Belch and was about to kick jockey Paddy O’Dublin to death when she suddenly bolted into the crowd and trampled 16 people to death and wounded 90 others by biting. This proved to be the last outrage conducted by RB and the next morning Lord Sulphate put a hand grenade in her bucket of oats and blew her head clean off. There is a statue of the irritable equine in Ruud van Hire national park in Rotterdam.
The only recorded case of a fully-grown male African lion being a homosexual was that of the 7 year-old specimen Martin Mince. He was easily captured by poachers in 1991 in Tanzania behind a joojoo bush wearing arseless trousers and a captain’s hat. He was transferred to Berlin Zoo where he was given his own cage overlooking a lily pond and flowerbed. He spent all his time sitting in a deckchair looking at women’s magazines and whistling at other male lions, which had to be kept in a separate enclosure. In an attempt to get him to hunt, staff would put zebra and wildebeest in his cage but Martin always ended up sharing a salad with the zebra and wildebeest.
Despite living in a one-bedroom flat in Drumchapel on the outskirts of Glasgow, Torrance MacLeod, or Tormac as his friends called him, owned a Ugandan silverback mountain gorilla called Gaylord Odongo. Tormac would race Gaylord to see who could finish a bottle of the tonic wine Buckfast the quickest. However, after losing the primitive drinking contest yet again, Gaylord got angry and threw Tormac out of his 19th floor kitchen window to his death. Gaylord and an Alsatian called Ray Pickles still live at No.29 Swine Street, Drumchapel.
Crime News Special
The Trial of Mavis and Mabel Splemm
By our aggressive women reporter Basil Gopium
The sensational year-long trial of Mavis and Mabel Splemm at Gubbenstery High Court finally concluded today with a unanimous not guilty verdict. The notorious twin sisters had been charged with 25 counts of murder, 20 counts of arson, and a multitude of other offences including torture, battery, GBH, loan sharking, running protection rackets and one count of deep frying a nosey neighbour. The twins said nothing to a barrage of waiting reporters as they made their way down the steps of the majestic court building, pausing only once for Mavis to punch a reporter in the face and stick a fork into the top of his head.
The twins began life at the age of zero in Goilor Road, South West Gubbenstery on the 20th of April 1960. They were brought up by their doting mother Mrs Splemm and their subnormal but aggressive father Mr Splemm. At the age of five, the twins started at Narlypop Primary School and immediately started as they meant to go on. In the first week alone they had locked another child inside a metal bin with a ferret, set fire to the teacher’s skirt and eaten the classroom gerbil. For their misdemeanours they were beaten to a pulp by the headmaster and banned for a month. On noticing the beating administered to his daughters, Mr Splemm went to the school and knocked the headmaster out with a camping mallet before dragging him onto the roof and throwing him off. The headmaster became impaled on the school fence and immediately decided to take early retirement. After that, the twins went through primary school doing anything they wanted. This included demanding money from other kids or they would shave their heads and paint their scalp with tar. They also took money from the teachers after threatening to burn their house down. The twins soon noticed that they only needed to carry a threat to get what they wanted. They rarely had to act on their threats, although they did enjoy doing so from time to time.
Mavis and Mabel then attended Scoblion Secondary School and continued in the same vein. By now the girls had stretched and filled out quite a bit. They were both surprisingly muscular and had hair-trigger tempers. One wrong look and fists and available weapons would be brought into action. They were suspended numerous times but it didn’t bother them. They already knew everything they needed to make a living. They left school at sixteen but neither of them could get a job due to their excessive aggression at the interview stage. Usually, when innocently asked, “Why do you want to work here?” they would attack whoever was in the room and then start a fire. They eventually joined the Gubbenstery Women’s Royal Defence League and initially did well. They came top in all the athletic events, especially boxing, but were poor at baking, knitting and dressmaking. They eventually fell out with their commanding officer because he didn’t issue them with live ammunition. One evening, they grabbed him and knocked him out with a monkey wrench. When he came to he was in the regimental kitchen being boiled in a giant pot of water with the twins clubbing him over the head with a cricket bat. He was eventually rescued by the police and fire brigade but he never walked again. Or spoke or ate solid food.
The twins were sent to Gomperston women’s prison for five years but served ten years due to repeated violent outbursts. It was while inside that they met Rita McGoon, a lifer who filled their heads with ideas. On their release, the twins went back to their mum’s house and used their old room as the epicentre of their criminal empire. Mr Splemm was now serving ten years in prison for an attempted lobotomy on a man who owed him money. Mavis and Mabel had now developed their own individual personalities. Mavis was the brains of the outfit and planned all their activities. She also excelled at violence and advanced persuasive techniques. Mabel was definitely not the brains of the outfit. She simply excelled at extreme violence. After a few years operating out of their mother’s house, they had built up a small crew of trusted individuals, both men and women. The women were all large lesbians and the men were all aggressive morons, easily manipulated by Mavis. They all had their roles in what the twins called “The Division,” with Mavis as the leader and Mabel as her enforcer.
By now, their enterprise involved extortion, prostitution, pubs and night clubs and a side line handlin
g stolen goods. They were making a fortune and this enabled the twins to pay off bent policemen, city officials and magistrates. They had virtually acquired a licence to do what they liked by lining the pockets of the right people. However, there was one person they couldn’t bribe, no matter how hard they tried. Chief Inspector Nancy Glugly was a career police officer and had made it her sworn duty to bring the Splemm twins to justice. On several occasions she had come close to a conviction, but the Splemms simply paid off or burnt the house down of any witnesses willing to give evidence against them. The twins had things their own way until a rival group of lesbian hoodlums moved into the area. They were led by an extremely violent and unpredictable psychopath called Belinda Rempoid, who had previously been convicted of inflating a former associate with compressed air and then bursting them open with a pin. The rival gang had been slowly muscling in on the twin’s endeavours and this caused Mabel to become enraged.
Mavis suggested they bide their time before taking action against their rivals but Mabel was only interested in taking immediate decisive action. She found out that Belinda was hosting a Tupperware party for other lesbian career criminals in a local pub called The Abscess Tavern and drew up her plans. On the evening of the 19th of June 1986, Mabel Splemm made her way to the tavern and waited outside in the shadows. She had decided not to ambush Belinda in the dark, but instead to stride into the pub and make a clear statement in front of multiple witnesses. At about 9pm, with the party in full swing, Mabel struck. She brazenly walked into the pub and confronted Belinda, who said, “Oh look, it’s one of the mutant twins”. At that point, Mabel produced a large axe and swung it at Belinda, chopping off both her legs at the knee. She fell to the floor in agony, but managed to punch Mabel in the face as she fell. This angered the less academic Splemm twin and she proceeded to swing her axe until she had chopped Belinda into tiny pieces. She then looked all the witnesses squarely in the eye and walked out without saying a word. Outside the pub, Mavis had turned up with a petrol bomb, which she hurled through the pub window. The tavern burned to the ground as the twins made their way home for a nice cup of tea. They were eventually rounded up by Nancy Glugly and her team a year later and put on trial. However, by then, all the witnesses had developed either amnesia, bullet wounds or lost the ability to climb high buildings without falling off. With no witnesses and no evidence, the jury found them not guilty although they did suggest that the twins should be fully compensated for being on remand for over a year. They were driven back to Goilor Road by one of their Division and celebrated their freedom by hosting a tea party and arranging for the local police station to be burnt to the ground. Chief Inspector Glugly was transferred to a rural station on the outskirts of Glord City.
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Where quality is not an issue!
Whoopit and Darbox are proud to announce the addition of several new products to their vast catalogue of medical supplies and pharmaceuticals. Reginald Whoopit and Ronald Darbox started their medical supply company in 1956 and it has since grown into one of the world’s medical supply companies. Over the years, they have provided medication and therapeutic devices for all manner of ailments from lockjaw to inflammation of the larynx. Their treatment of rabies by battering it out of the victim with a baseball bat is now legendary in medical circles. A few of the new products in their portfolio are listed below:
Reconstructive Surgery for the Lap (£500) + free hamster delousing brush!
This cutting edge treatment provides structural support, as well as follow up medication, for people who have suffered a collapsed lap. The lap is encased in rock salt for three months and then gradually manoeuvred back into position, before being exposed to a ray beam to finalise healing. Toasted potassium seeds are then rubbed into the lap to protect it from future collapse. This should leave your lap in fantastic condition and capable of supporting dinner trays and pets up to a certain size.
Nape of the Neck Powder (£600) + free parrot beak repair kit!
This newly developed remedy is a highly purified form of powder that is easily rubbed into the nape of the neck, in order to reduce swelling if bitten by a snake or walrus. The nape of the neck is vulnerable to biting creatures due to its proximity to biting creatures. Our special powder works somehow. See tin for details and free two-for-one eye socket offer.
Glapid Ointment (£700) + free framed photograph of a horse’s tongue!
The Glapid is the area of skin at the bottom of the torso between the genitalia at the front and the anus to the rear. This small area is highly prone to many problems including rupture, and ripping due to running too fast or falling onto church railings. Our Glapid ointment, made to a secret recipe including Gnat’s throat fluid, will help reduce Glapid healing time to about two years in the first instance. Always wear gloves and protective goggles when applying Glapid ointment to avoid burning the fingers and bursting the eyes.
Clavicle tablets (£800) + free worm and millipede quiz book!
The clavicle is the long length of skin that connects the forehead to the stomach lining. It is made up of two parts, the Glort and the Pinnery, and provides structural support to the kidneys. The Glort and Pinnery are susceptible to rotting and festering due to a lack of mung beans and dog oil in the diet. Our tablets cure this problem by a process known as treatment.
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The Spanzino Medical Centre
A report on the unusual treatments available at Gubbenstery’s newest clinic
By our highly excitable reporter Ned Stromboli
The Spanzino Medical Centre is the brainchild of secretive clinician Dr Alberto Spanzino. Very little is known about Dr Spanzino. There is no record of him having studied medicine at any of the usual universities and he never gives interviews. His medical centre first opened its doors one year ago and, despite being very expensive, has been a runaway success. However, more and more stories have emerged from dissatisfied patients who have been overcharged for what they call “Unusual treatments”. I managed to track down some of these ex-patients who were willing to make their experiences public and this is what they told me.
Mr Skankor Laboothian, aged 59, hamster trainer, Gubbenstery
I booked myself in to get my conjunctivitis sorted. The receptionist took my details and told me to take a seat in the waiting room. After waiting nearly nine hours, I was called in by Dr Spanzino. He was a tall man with a huge afro haircut. He told me to lie down with my eyes wide open and said the treatment may sting a bit. The second I lay down he turned around and poured boiling hot jam into my eyes. I screamed with pain and instinctively threw a punch, catching Spanzino on the lower scrotum. My eyes and face were burning and as the molten liquid trickled into my mouth I detected it was raspberry flavour. He tried to restrain me but I dived through his legs and crashed out of a second floor window. Luckily, I landed on a poodle, which broke my fall and broke the poodle’s legs. The dog owner called an ambulance and a vet. I was treated for third degree burns to the face and the poodle was in traction for two years. I told the police what happened but they just ignored me.
Miss Lucinda Hormobe, aged 59, retired clown, Lower Glord
Bunions had bothered me for years and I decided to get them fixed. In the waiting room there were large video screens showing gruesome medical procedures. I saw a woman giving birth to sextuplets, a man having his lungs removed and an elderly man having an ingrowing forehead removed. It was very unsettling. I was in there for eight hours before being taken to the theatre. When I awoke I was in agony. Both my legs had been amputated. Spanzino was standing over my bed and when I asked him what happene
d, he told me that it was all perfectly normal. “Bunions are much easier to remove with the legs amputated,” he said. When I told him I couldn’t give a fuck about the bunions if I have no legs, he shouted at me, “Shut the fuck up you ungrateful bitch”. He then sedated me and I woke up on some waste ground. I told the police what had happened but they didn’t believe me.
Mr Ballard McAlinden, aged 59, dog food taste tester, East Buntyside
I had been in a minor car crash and had bitten through my tongue, severing the tip. I had preserved the severed tip in a bag of frozen onions and Dr Spanzino was to reattach it. When I came round, following the operation, I knew something wasn’t quite right. My tongue felt too big and heavy. I staggered to the toilet and looked in the mirror. What I saw shocked me so much I nearly laid an egg. My tongue was about two feet long and was hanging out of my mouth, making me drool like a rabid dog. I could now lick the back of my head, which was concerning. When I confronted Spanzino, using a series of grunts and yowls, he said my own bit of tongue had perished when they were washing it in the dishwasher and they had to quickly use an alternative. He said a giraffe had died at the zoo and they decided to attach the giraffe tongue to my tongue and thought that I would like a bigger tongue. I ran out of the building straight to the police station but they said they couldn’t do anything because no crime had been committed.
Miss Primrose Lungoil, aged 59, 100m sprinter, Skonkage
I had suffered for years with heartburn and, following a consultation with Dr Spanzino, had decided to have my stomach gently cleaned with saline. I was assured by Dr Spanzino that this was a simple procedure, so I signed up for it at a cost of £29,000. When I awoke, I was lying on the floor of the gents’ toilet in a pool of blood and urine. I was in agony. My belly was totally distended and felt like it weighed ten tons. I eventually got to my feet and staggered out of the toilet to seek help. I saw Spanzino playing on a pinball machine so I shouted to him for help. He immediately told me to “Shut the fuck up” ‘cos he nearly had the high score. He failed to get the high score and approached me while chuntering to himself and swearing. When I told him I thought something was wrong, he said nothing was wrong. He had completely removed my stomach to give it a wash but he accidentally dropped it on the floor. Before he could bend down to pick it up, the departmental dog, a pit-bull called Desmond Flannery, grabbed it and ate it. He knew he would need to quickly find a substitute stomach so that I could eat my dinner, so they used an empty twenty gallon beer keg that was lying outside the social club. He went on to assure me that I definitely wouldn’t suffer heartburn again. He also said he’d take a tenner off the price as a gesture of goodwill. When I asked how I ended up on the floor of the gents’ toilet, he said they needed the bed so they threw me in there on a temporary basis. I burst into tears and fled the clinic. When I arrived at the police station to make an official complaint the two policemen on duty burst out laughing. They said they’d never heard anything so ridiculous and told me to piss off home.
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