Doggy or Moggy
Real concentration is needed for this mind-bending new addition to Golden Uterus’s game collection for the under-fives. Between 15 and 17 players sit around a table and play a standard game of Texas Hold’em Poker. The winner then moves onto phase 2 where they choose a cat and a dog from the animal bin and tie their tails together. All the other players then start ringing loud bells and banging cymbals together for 2 hours. The cat and dog will react poorly to the din and try to escape. Players can then bet up to a third of their winnings on which animal will lose the most amount of fur, doggy or moggy. The players with the three best guesses win one quarter of a third of a steak pie and 20 complimentary cigarettes of their choice. All the losing players have to eat three slices of Cat and Dog Cake and have their tongue pierced. The game ends when either 28 more rounds are played or the klaxon is sounded by the robotic gerbil. Kids will love it.
Cheating Bastard
This is a real fun game for all the family. A standard deck of cards is mixed with a non-standard deck of cards and each player is given one card face up. If you have a red card, the person to your right pulls your hair for an hour. If you have a black card, the person to your left kicks your knee for an hour. If you have an ace, the person opposite you gets 3 goes at hitting you on the chin with a large ball bearing fired from a high-powered catapult. After 10 rounds of mayhem and screaming, everyone puts a blindfold on and the game continues. At exactly 14 hours into the game, the person who secretly brought the hand gun starts firing it indiscriminately at the other players. The winner is the first of the players being shot at to shout “Cheating Bastard” 148 times. Innocent but amusing family fun.
Gubbenstery Theme Pubs Guide No. 2
Let’s go out and get befuddled!
The Brain Stem Bar
Landlord Mr Arthur Cadmium would like to extend a warm invitation to all his customers to take part in this week’s theme night. Everyone who arrives on horseback or riding a cat will get a special voucher which will enable them to buy any number of alcoholic drinks. A special prize of a 100-yard length of wooden fencing will be awarded to anyone arriving on the back of a baboon. 76 Fudd Avenue, Gubbenstery.
The Crowded Pussy Fun Pub
Come along to the Pussy this Saturday night dressed as either a horse or a pencil and get a free sheep’s head roasted in lard. All drinks guaranteed full price. 74 Thong Avenue, Gubbenstery.
The Bloodboy and Baby
Gubbenstery’s eighteenth oldest pub is the place to be on a Monday night. This week, anyone dressed as a murderer will win a hunting knife, ten pints of super lager and a bottle of single malt whisky (which must be consumed on the premises). 80 Barney Glucose Plaza, Gubbenstery.
Rupert Wartboy’s Gastrointestinal Pub
Enjoy a memorable dining experience or simply pop in for a cocktail on one of our themed evenings. This Friday we are running a special disembowelment evening where one lucky customer will be disembowelled by our Michelin-starred chef Marcel Gummo and the stomach contents used to prepare a lavish banquet for our Drink-a-Yard-of-Urine competition winner. Dogs, cats and mice welcome. 78 Faghag Terrace, Gubbenstery.
The Boozy Dogpig Bar
Thursday night is party night. After 10pm all drinks are free. Children and pets welcome. Everyone who brings a fully grown chimpanzee will be entered into our prize draw to win a brand new turnip trimming knife. 88 South Lavatory Road, Gubbenstery.
The Human Bastard Inn
Enjoy an evening of competitive naked wrestling against our resident champion Chief Inspector Finbarr Timotay.
Open to Doubt Page 19