“Look at me and say it,” Beau said.
She found his eyes with hers. They weren’t words, just breaths. “I love you.”
He pulled on the neckline of her T-shirt, grabbed her breasts. She arched into his hands, throwing her back against the steering wheel. The horn honked and her jeans ripped somewhere and she was coming as hard as he was thrusting up into her. He groaned louder and louder until he also came.
She reached out to grab onto anything. Her palm connected with the cold window, her other hand landing on his heaving chest. They were real things, unlike love, unlike fear, which she couldn’t hold.
The car was closing in on her. She opened the door and would’ve tumbled out if Beau hadn’t caught her waist. She slapped his hands away and stood. It took her three fumbling tries to get back into her jeans. She ran both hands through her hair. “Fuck,” she screamed. It bounced off the gray, concrete walls. Nothing had ever seemed as dire. She loved two men, but she loved them differently. With Johnny, it was in a way that she’d let him go before she returned with only part of the heart that had belonged to him. With Beau, her love wasn’t that selfless. It was an annihilation of her senses. A conquest, a theft of her entire self. She squatted between two painted white lines and pulled hard on her hair. “I’m so fucked,” she said between hitched breaths, rocking back and forth.
A car door slammed, echoing around the garage. Beau walked up next to her.
This had to be her moment alone. She deserved to do this on her own for the way she’d led everyone into this mess. She could’ve ended it all with a firm, simple no. “Go away. I can’t do this right now.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“I mean it,” she said.
“You’re in the middle of a parking spot.” He leaned down to help her up, but she jumped to her feet. He had tricked her. Pulled the wool over her eyes. It was the only explanation. She hadn’t even tried to keep love out of it, because love hadn’t been an option. It had blindsided her completely. She shoved him backward. “I said go. I hate you.”
He took two large steps and grabbed her wrists before she could push him again.
“I hate you for this,” she said. “You ruined everything. We were fine before you. We were happy.”
“You said it yourself—you wouldn’t be here if that were true.” He forced her against his chest where she broke down and bawled. He wrapped his arms around her, rubbing her back with his large hand.
“Nobody has ever made me feel so alone,” she said.
He pulled away slightly. “I make you feel alone?”
She’d learned her lesson as a kid when her dad had walked out on her and her mom—the only person she could rely on was herself. Not even Johnny or her mom. But she couldn’t see beyond tomorrow, beyond Beau, when she’d have to go back to a life that had been fine before him. “I could always take care of myself. I’ve never needed anyone.” She wouldn’t look at him. “I haven’t even left yet, and I already feel alone.”
Even she didn’t trust herself. Just yesterday, it’d been Johnny she’d loved. Nothing could erase that, but their love had stopped growing somewhere along the way—not because it hadn’t been nourished or tended to, but because from the start, it could only get so big.
What she felt for Beau was new, but already it seemed as though it could reach a terrifying size. It couldn’t be trimmed, monitored or kept. It was a vine that had the potential to overtake everything in its path. Lola didn’t know which of the two was the right kind, only that after glimpsing the possibility of her and Beau, a stunted love with Johnny wouldn’t be enough anymore.
Beau covered her hair with both hands. His grip was firm, but his words were soft. “I don’t want you to feel alone.”
She looked up finally. “What do you want me to feel?”
“Loved.”
“Johnny loves me.”
His eyes darted between hers. The garage was silent except for the one rapid heartbeat between them. He opened his mouth and shut it. He put a hand on her cheek. “Lola.”
He said her name so thickly, she could almost reach out and touch it. Her fingertips tingled. She was back in the drugstore as a teenager about to commit a crime. She wouldn’t stand in the way anymore. She wanted him. She’d chained it up inside early on, but it was coming loose. If Johnny had fought for her at all, Beau had fought harder.
His eyebrows gathered as he frowned down at her. “Sometimes I think you can see through things other people can’t. You see me. You make me powerful, but more,” he paused, swallowing, as if the words were fighting within him, “you make me powerless.”
Powerless. That was what she’d seen in his eyes when she couldn’t read him. It wasn’t that he’d been asking anything of her, but that he’d been unable to do anything for her, and Beau thrived on his power.
“And I don’t want to put you in that car at sunrise,” he said.
“You don’t?”
“No, but I have to. It’s our agreement.”
“I don’t care about the money,” she said. “I love you. I love him. Tell me what to do, Beau. I’ll do it.”
“Okay.” He was dependable. He made decisions in her best interest, not his. Even when he commanded her, he did it to give her things she hadn’t known she wanted. He smoothed his hand lovingly over her hair until he was cupping the back of her head. “Here’s what you’re going to do, Lola. You’re going to go home. You’re going to tell Johnny it’s over.”
Involuntarily, she curled her hands harder into his T-shirt. They were two distinct concepts in her mind. There was loving Beau, and there was ending it with Johnny. They’d been two mutually exclusive ideas, one she was submitting to and one she hadn’t seriously entertained. Beau wanted to merge them. “Just like that? Over?”
“Isn’t it?” he asked. “How can you be with him after this?”
She shook her head. “How can I do that to him?”
“I told you once, you can’t sacrifice yourself to make him happy. You know what you want, but somewhere along the way, he helped you bury your instinct. Go there again. What does it tell you?”
Her heart swelled. Johnny liked Lola’s edge, but it was true. He preferred her a little dulled. Beau, on the other hand, wanted what he’d been asking for all along—her. He hadn’t even put one day between meeting her and making his proposition. Within an hour of their sidewalk encounter, he’d told her she had his attention. His assurance was in his actions. Maybe he’d known all along. Maybe this had always been his plan. It was the reason she’d been pressing him for. He’d chosen her because he was a man who knew what he wanted.
“My instinct tells me that Johnny and I have history,” she said, “but that he’s not my future.”
“And why not?” he prompted.
“Because you are.”
13
Back on the sixteenth floor, Lola and Beau went about their tasks. It was time to return her to Johnny. Her rightful owner. She showered again to rid herself completely of the man with the gun and gathered her things while Beau changed. When she was ready, she sat on the edge of the bed.
Beau hung up his phone and set it on the nightstand next to her. “Warner’ll be here in a few minutes,” he said, looking down at her. “I’m not coming with you.”
He was having seconds thoughts. No—she had to trust him. She took a deep breath. “How come?”
“I want you back here tonight.” He rubbed his forehead with tense fingers. “Warner will sit out front until you’re ready while I take care of things here. I have the suite as long as we need it. Leave whatever you don’t need there. We can figure the rest out once this is done.”
“I don’t think I can just walk in there, get my things and walk back out,” she said.
“That’s why I can’t go. Warner will wait as long as it takes, though. I don’t want you staying overnight there, Lola.”
He was shifting back into business mode as the night dissolved into dawn. Lola bit her bottom
lip. “Are you sure about this?”
He didn’t answer right away. He reached out, fingered a piece of her hair and tucked it behind her ear. With his thumb and forefinger, he lifted her chin. “I’m not Johnny. I don’t waver in my decisions. I don’t backtrack. I don’t put anything on your shoulders if I can help it. If I could do this part for you, I would. Yes, I’m sure.”
She drew on his strength, lengthening her spine and holding his gaze. “I can do this part myself. It won’t be easy, but I can do it if you’re waiting for me.”
He smiled. “There’s the girl on the sidewalk I had to have. The one who kicks cars and doesn’t apologize.”
She nodded, but hard as she fought it, her mind was creeping ahead of the moment. It was in her apartment, waking Johnny up from a dream to plunge him into a nightmare. “I think it’s best I call Johnny to let him know I’m on my way.”
“Why?”
“He should be completely awake for this conversation. I’ll tell him to have coffee ready.”
Beau raised his eyebrows at her. “You’re telling me he’s asleep right now? While you’re here with me, he’s asleep?”
If things went like they had her first night with Beau, Johnny would be sleeping off his drunkenness. She shook her head. “It’s a good thing. He’d drive himself crazy otherwise.”
Beau sighed and pointed at the nightstand. “Your cell phone was in your purse?”
“Yes.”
“Use mine. Also—” He paused, hedging. “The other half of your money’s in the closet. I was also going to give it to you in cash.”
“Was?” she asked.
“Like I said, I’ve never broken the terms of an agreement, but I’m making an exception on this point. Understand me when I say—I don’t have many regrets in my life, but making you feel worthless is one of them. This money does not belong to you because you did not earn it. You are not this money. Understand me?”
It was all she’d wanted to hear since this thing had started, she just hadn’t realized it until then. That she, her love, was worth more than any dollar amount. Lola’s chest ached. “I don’t want it.”
“Good.” He put his hands on his hips and dropped his forehead toward the floor. After a deep breath, he opened his mouth. “There’s something else—” He shook his head. Paused. Cleared his throat.
“What else?”
“Nothing. Never mind. We can talk later.”
It was a rare thing to see him nervous. It could’ve been because of what they were about to do, but it almost seemed like something else. “Talk about what?” she asked warily.
“Everything. There’s a lot to figure out, but now you’d better go.” He walked away. “I’ll grab shoes and walk you down.”
She had to make the call. Lola’s body was a tornado of emotion. Her heart beat so hard, it practically reached for Beau as he disappeared into the closet. Her stomach, on the other hand, was in knots. It was not a conversation she’d ever pictured herself having with Johnny, but now she couldn’t imagine not doing it. She’d made the decision to leave him so quickly that she wondered if it’d been waiting just below the surface, and if so, for how long.
She picked up Beau’s phone. As she dialed Johnny’s cell phone, a text message from Brigitte popped up.
* * *
Good luck this morning. Remember what I said last night. Stick to the plan. The bitch is just getting what she deserves. Can’t wait to hear all about it tonight. See you downstairs. xo
* * *
Lola read it one more time before the screen went black. Bitch? Deserves? Her throat closed. Her hand had begun to shake. It was possible the text wasn’t about her at all, yet it was even more possible that it was—unless Beau was giving someone else what they deserved this morning, and Lola doubted that would be much better. Just moments ago she’d told herself to trust Beau, but that was already crumbling. She stood up in one jerky movement.
Beau emerged from the closet. “Ready?” he asked, patting his pockets. “Oh, I left my phone—” He glanced up at Lola, who’d raised the phone in front of her with the screen toward him.
“What is this?” she asked.
Beau’s expression cleared as if he knew instantly. “Lola.” He held out his hands, either to placate or reach for her. “What did you see? What does it say?”
“A text message from Brigitte.”
He looked up at the ceiling, swallowed and exhaled. “No. You have got to be fucking kidding me.”
She couldn’t breathe. Any doubt she’d had that the text wasn’t about her was gone. Lola gripped the phone until her knuckles were white. “What do I deserve? What plan?”
He looked at her again. “Listen to me. If I tell you the truth like this, you won’t understand.” He put his hands palm to palm in front of him. “Trust me on this. Go home. Talk to Johnny. When you come back, I’ll explain everything.”
That was the reverse of how she wanted to do things. She had everything on the line as she was about to throw nine years down the drain. “Do you honestly think I’m that stupid? Don’t tell me you’ll explain this after I uproot my life for you.”
“You don’t want to hear the truth,” Beau said with warning. “You have to trust me here, Lola.”
“I can’t.”
“You can’t?” he asked. “You put yourself in front of that gun for me tonight, and now you can’t trust me?”
Her eyes darted over the floor. She’d done it without hesitation, and he’d protected her too. At least, she’d thought he had.
But there was a plan.
And it involved her.
“There’s always a plan, Lola.”
The text message was casual, as if it were nothing for Brigitte to call Lola a bitch to Beau—the man who was asking her to trust him. Her decision maker. The man who’d demanded her surrender and who’d received it. She was in his hands, and she trusted him, but in that text, Brigitte had a reason to believe Beau wasn’t on Lola’s side.
“No,” she said. “Before I walk into my home with the intention to walk right back out, I need you to tell me exactly what Brigitte meant by that.”
He took a threatening step toward her. “You aren’t the only one uprooting your life. You think this has been easy for me? Letting someone in who’s in love with another man?”
“You shouldn’t have,” she said, her voice rising. “I didn’t ask you for that. I didn’t want any of this.”
“And I wasn’t the one who was supposed to—” He stopped.
“Supposed to what?” she asked after a silence, but he only stared at her. “Come on, Beau. Tell me what the plan was. Tell me what I was supposed to do that I didn’t.” She grit her teeth. “I did everything you asked. I fought you tooth and nail but I gave you what you wanted.”
“Yes,” he said. “You did everything right.”
“So what is it then?” She cocked her head. The longer he clung to the truth, the more Lola had to know. Whatever it was, he wasn’t going to give it up easily, which meant she needed to go deeper. “Maybe it’s not what I didn’t do, but what I did.”
His jaw set. “What do you mean?”
“Power is a funny thing, isn’t it? Sometimes the one who thinks he holds it…doesn’t hold it at all.”
He shook his head in warning, narrowing his darkened eyes on her. “Don’t.”
“That’s it, isn’t it? You want to love me more than you want to control me, and it scares you. You’d let me have that power to keep me.”
“Nobody has that over me,” he clipped.
“Someone did tonight,” she said, raising an eyebrow. “That man could’ve taken everything from you with one bullet.”
He stepped closer to her. “He didn’t, because we protected each other. We were in control. I’m still in control.”
“That’s fine, Beau. Control isn’t what I want. I want truth. You can keep your ridiculous obsession with having it all.”
“Ridiculous?” he asked, his nostrils flarin
g. “You think power comes over night? You think I decide? No. I fucking earned it. I’ve worked my ass off so people would respect me. So I could buy you expensive dresses and drive you around in a car people would literally kill to have. That man tonight—he could’ve killed you if he’d taken you out there, all for what I have.”
“Who says I want any of that?” she countered, pushing back against his anger. “I could give a crap about your car or your empty lifestyle. Without it, you’re just you, and that scares you. I make you powerless.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” He charged forward, and she retreated until her legs hit the bed. He snatched the phone away, launching it against a wall as she flinched. His large shoulders moved up and down as he breathed hard. “I can’t believe I let you get to me like this again.”
“Again—?”
“You’re so righteous, aren’t you, Lola?” He towered over her. “You don’t need or want anything like the rest of us. You can’t be bought. Your pussy’s not for sale.”
She flushed. He made her sound high and mighty for that, as if any other woman would’ve rolled over and given him what he wanted. She had nowhere to put her hands, so she covered her stomach.
He laughed, and it was as hollow as his eyes. That emptiness was even more frightening than his indifference had been. “You were wrong. You said it couldn’t be done, but I did it. Me.”
“What did you do?” she asked, dread softening her voice. Suddenly she didn’t want to challenge or push him—she just wanted him to be himself again.
“Imagine this, Lola. Ten years ago, it’s the biggest moment of my life—what everything else has led up to. I’ve just signed a contract to sell one of the companies I practically killed myself to build. For years, I’ve denied myself everything for work—women, fun, sleep, life. It doesn’t matter, though, because it’s finally paid off. I’m going to be a multi-millionaire.
Explicitly Yours Series Page 30