“Well, there’s one way to find out what she didn’t want you to know then.”
“I can’t. It doesn’t feel right. It’s almost an invasion of her privacy.”
“Babe, maybe something is there that we can use against her father. If you can’t do it, would you allow me to?”
My hands clutched the book, as my mind tried to make a connection with Carrie. I feared what might be in here and also prayed she would forgive me for betraying her trust. Deep down, I knew I wasn’t doing that, but it still felt that way.
“It’s okay. I’m fine. Let me skim through it to see if anything pops out.” I flipped through page after page. Most of it was silly stuff about school, hair and beauty tips, and then some pictures of hearts. She always had her head in the clouds on most days, but it was the dreamy look in her eyes that I always loved about her.
Closer to the end of the diary, I came to a few folded pages. I carefully opened them and now I understood why she didn’t ever want me to see this.
“Jake, I think I have something. Come and take a look.”
He read over my shoulder and then turned back to me with a disgusted look. My heart sunk as we read her words.
Dear Diary,
He came into my room again when he believed I was asleep. How could I sleep when I knew the monster would visit me again? He’s never gotten further than touching my face, neck, and breasts. He may have gone further the last time, if not for me jerking away and knocking over my side table lamp. My mother came rushing into my room, and my father acted as if he was just kissing me goodnight. An accident, he explained, and my mother—so delusional to him—believed it. She tugged on his arm, and he followed her back to their room. I had no lock on my door and feared when he would try to get to me again.
“That motherfucker!” I screamed out. “I swear I want to squeeze his balls until he spits blood. She never told me, Jake, not one word.”
“Read on, maybe there’s another entry,” he said, and then I flipped the page, and there was another one folded over.
Dear Diary,
I kissed a girl today. Her name is Amy, she’s living at a halfway house that we volunteer at. I’ve known her for a while and I guess we’ve become sort of friends, but it passes the time when I’m on kitchen duty. She’s so messed up and trying to get off the drugs, that’s why she’s there. She has no family, no education, and hooked on god knows what.
I never expected to kiss her, but we were messing around in the kitchen and one thing led to another, and I found myself pressed against her with my lips on hers. She didn’t pull away and freak out, she just told me that it was okay. I then confessed that I was beginning to have feelings for girls, but that was normal, right? I had my own share of problems with my father. He was so controlling and never let me out of his sight. Thank god I had Devan to run to, but how could I ever tell him about what my father was doing to me? He would tell his father and then my own would be hurt. I didn’t want that. I just want him to stop.
“That’s it. That’s where it ends,” I said.
“Okay, maybe there’s another book in this box or the others we haven’t gone through yet.”
“Jake, I’m so tired. This is emotionally draining. Can we do this tomorrow?”
“No, it can’t wait. Listen, why don’t you go back to your parents’ house and go to sleep? I can finish up here.”
“No, I want to stay with you.”
“Okay, then help me go through these last few boxes, and I promise I’ll hold you for the rest of the night.”
“Promise?”
“Never doubt my word.” He winked and then pushed a box toward me.
We both went through it, just finding old birthday cards and Yankees baseball pennants from the games I took Carrie to. I loved that she saved them. I was just about done when I found another journal. It wasn’t as big as the other one, and it wasn’t filled either, just a few pages were written on. I began reading, and then there it was in black and white.
Dear Diary,
I still wasn’t sure if I was gay, but after telling Amy about my father, she told me to tell him that I was. She said he would be horrified by it and probably be repulsed. I asked her why she believed that, and she said she lived on the streets long enough to know how to survive and what worked with the guys. My father was hiding a double life behind his ministry and beliefs, he would never understand his only daughter being gay. I didn’t want to believe it, but I agreed to try.
When I got home, he covered my mouth and began to pull my panties down my legs. I was repulsed that the man I loved and admired was hurting me in this way. I was his daughter and he was supposed to love me, not hurt me. He kept whispering to be quiet and all he wanted to do was touch me and make me feel good. I was a virgin and I had no way of knowing how far he would go. I finally blurted out that I was gay, and I’ve been touched down there by another girl.
His hand froze and then he got off my bed. I wasn’t sure if he believed me, but that was the last night he ever did that to me again. I never told anyone, especially Devan. I knew once we finished with school, I would get as far away from them as I could. I knew he would never accept me if I truly was gay.
Dear Diary,
The unthinkable happened. My father hurt my friend Amy. The police were here at our home and questioned him for hours. My mother was crying, I was crying and all I wanted to do was run and hide. This was my fault. I should have told someone. If I had, maybe he wouldn’t have gone after Amy.
Weeks went by, and I was not allowed to go back to the halfway house again. My father kept a watchful eye on me, and I was lucky to just go over to Devan’s house, but he didn’t like that either. He knew my best friend was gay, and once he knew how accepting the Knights were with their son, he shut them out as well.
I’m not sure whatever happened to Amy. My mother told me that it was a misunderstanding and the case was dropped. I prayed that she was okay and safe. My father read me the bible night after night on the views of homosexuality in regards to the church. It was his form of punishment, I guess. Well, I had the ultimate revenge on him after I met Paisley Paxton and immediately fell for her. She was so freaking cool, and I knew he would hate her on sight.
The day I reminded him which team I played for was one of the greatest days of my life. My mother turned three shades of white, while my father bellowed profanities at me and told me that I would burn in hell. Right there, I could have exposed him for his sins against me, but I rose above and held back. I knew there would be no coming back from this, and I was okay with it. He threw me out, and Devan and his family took me in. I had Devan always by my side, and now I had Paisley.
“That’s all of it, it ends there. We looked through every box, right?” I asked.
“Yeah, twice.”
“It makes so much sense to me now.”
“What does, babe?”
“On the night of Paxton’s birth, as happy as she was holding our son, she seemed nervous and out of sorts. I tried to calm her and told her not to think about the past, but then she called her father a monster and again made me promise that he would never get anywhere near our son. Don’t you see, Jake? The happiest moment of her life, and she remembered what he did to her. The things he tried to do to her, written here. God! Her biggest fear was that he would hurt her child, and who the hell knows? Maybe succeed this time. Jake, why didn’t she tell me? I was her best friend, and we made a baby together? How could I not know?”
“It was a long time ago, and maybe it was her way of protecting you. Don’t hurt yourself over it. She loved you. It’s written how much right here, and you wouldn’t have Paxton if she didn’t.”
“Yeah, I know. I may never understand why she never told me, but I guess it really doesn’t matter now. I just wish I had known so I could have been there for her.”
“Devan, you were. And she loved you for it. You will always have a piece of Carrie through Paxton. I knew there had to be a reason why you just upped
and left. She knew too, in the end. That’s why she made you promise.”
“I’ll never forget when she told me she was pregnant. I guess back then I was probably just as confused as she was. I messed around with men and women, ultimately preferring men. Obviously. Had I met you when she asked me to father a baby with her, it would have definitely been a clinical experience. I don’t believe I would have been able to be intimate with her, knowing how I felt about you.”
“So you made Paxton the old-fashioned way?”
“Yeah, we did, and it didn’t take much effort. I don’t know, Jake, making love with Carrie seemed so simple and pure. It wasn’t awkward or clumsy. It was just right. I don’t know how to explain it. The first month was unsuccessful, and then the second month, we were pregnant. She was freaking crazy with her calendar and charting. One night after some major drinking on our parts, we just fell into bed with one another, and weeks later she handed me a positive pregnancy stick.”
“How did you feel?”
“Happy. She was going to be a mom, and I was going to be a dad. My parents were over the moon about it and totally accepting of us. Paisley was gone, and now she had someone to love again. It’s fucked up how the good ones always get taken too soon but motherfuckers like Tobias Harper get to walk around free without a care in the world. Why, Jake? Tell me you don’t believe how fucked up that is.”
He pulled me closer to where I was seated on his lap and held me in his tight embrace. We were both exhausted from the last couple of days and were in need of some sleep, especially after all these revelations between us.
“After I’m finished with him, he’ll be lucky to piss straight. He’s going down, Devan, I promise you. I don’t know what’s going to happen after this is finished and behind us, but I know I can’t walk away from you as if you never existed. For years, I felt as if I was just standing still. Now, I’m able to move forward, and the possibility of sharing my life with you just takes my breath away. I know I said the words way too soon, but I meant them, Devan. I love you.”
I kissed him passionately as my hard cock rutted against his.
“I love you too,” I said, the simplest words I had ever spoken to another, and filled with so much promise to look forward to. “Let’s go home.”
He smiled and returned my kiss. Not that I believed for one second that either one of us would be sleeping.
My sexy man never moved an inch away from me once we returned to his home and went straight to sleep. It was a huge undertaking on my part not to touch him in the way I desired, but we were both exhausted and in need of rest.
I tried to move without waking him, but Devan was too close not to disturb. As I moved, he moved, and I was going nowhere.
I kissed him on his parted lips and said, “As much as I love you rubbing your sexy ass against me, I have to take a leak…badly.”
“Fine!” he grumbled and let me go in protest.
“I’ll be right back, baby.”
I didn’t reach the bathroom door before I heard him quietly snore and drift back into sleep. Damn, he was beautiful but had to get up soon if we were going to make it to camp on time. Thank goodness for keeping my cover intact, or I probably would have been fired by now with all my sudden departures. I knew the boys were in good hands with Miles and the other coaches. I poked my head out of the door and saw that he was still asleep. I took the opportunity to grab a quick shower and throw on my clothes from the day before. I kept a duffle at the Y and would change once I got there.
Leaving him to sleep, I went downstairs to make coffee. Devan’s machine was some high-tech appliance from god knows where. It was too much gadgetry for me, but after fiddling with it, I got it to brew. Looking around his house, he certainly didn’t live the meager life. Everything in his home was beautiful, artsy, and modern, all wrapped up in one amazing and expensive home. This wasn’t the time to snoop, but I was curious to what his upstairs office looked like. Maybe I could pick the lock and take a quick look while he slept.
Curiosity got the better of me, and that’s exactly what I did. I examined the lock, which appeared to be a wireless engage lock. It was typical for home use and still equipped enough to keep whatever is on the inside protected. I pulled out my kit and used a bypass tool to release the locking mechanism. After a few attempts, I heard a four-point click, and the door opened to me. Voila!
I felt around for the lights, and then when I found the switch, the entire room illuminated like the secret bat cave. Devan had huge monitors raised high above his workstation. I’ve seen high-end labs before with state of the art equipment—I have one back in Seattle—but his outshined mine. I shouldn’t be in here, and I definitely crossed the line by picking his lock, but I guess it’s the natural investigator in me. I want to know everything about Devan Knight, and even with all we have discovered about each other, something tells me I haven’t even scratched the surface yet.
My eyes found crumpled paper scattered all over his desk, and when I got a closer look, I realized it was all intel on me. Reports on my military background, personal history, and even photos of my office back in Seattle. Fucking hell! Was he investigating me this entire time? Why was I feeling as if I was the injured party all of a sudden? I didn’t know how I felt about this, and then a cold shiver ran down my spine, and I knew I was no longer alone.
“Find anything interesting?” he asked. I turned around to see him standing in the doorway to his office with mussed up hair and only tight black boxers on, showing off his beautiful cock itching to get out.
I knew I was caught redhanded but still tried to play it cool with him. “I don’t know. You tell me?” and I showed him my file.
“Why should I? You already know what it is.”
“How did you come to have it?” I asked.
Dropping his arms to his sides, he slowly walked over to me. Then once he was standing in front of me, he took the file and placed it back on the desk. “It seems you don’t know all my secrets, now do you, Jake?”
“What does that mean?” I didn’t like where this game was suddenly going to.
“Let’s not do this here. I’m hungry and am in need of a shower and coffee. Plus I can’t be late for Paxton.”
“We have time. Talk to me, Devan. What don’t I know?”
“Plenty. If you choose to never share your military past with me, that’s fine. If I wanted to know, let’s just say I too have the power to learn whatever I wished to. What do I do for a living? I create computer software, and not just any kind that a kid with an Xbox would love. I’m talking about systems that governments around the world use for whatever suits their purpose. I may have lived a quiet life for the past decade, but that doesn’t mean I’m clueless to the outside world. I’ve built my business from the ground up, and it has secured me a fortune that I will never be able to spend in this lifetime or the next, but it’s mine.”
“So you’re, like, what? A James Bond/gadget guy?”
“Close, but not exactly James Bond. I did, however, know you were in here.”
“How?”
“This room is equipped with motion sensors as well as built-in silent alarms. You were only able to get inside because it was me that allowed you access. It’s called trust, remember? And if you’re going to be part of my life, then you also need to know about this one if you were serious about all you said to me yesterday. So, were you?”
“I don’t know if I want to kiss you, lay you across my knee and smack your gorgeous ass, or fuck you until you can’t walk straight today. All I know is that I have never been so turned on in all my life.”
“Well, if it was up to me, I would take option one with a few kisses, move to option two, but only a love tap, and then I would finish me off with option three by fucking me so hard that not only would it be difficult to walk, I would forget how to.”
I rushed and threw him over my shoulder and carried him back to his bed, where I assaulted his wise-ass mouth. “I swear you are so getting spanked fo
r this,” I warned him.
“Yeah, and I’ll enjoy it too, but it’s going to have to wait. By the look of it, you are ready to go, whereas I still need to brush my teeth.” He kissed me again and then moved from underneath me, leaving me with a hard erection and my balls heavy with need.
Fifteen minutes later, Devan came downstairs to finally drink his coffee and eat the omelet I made for him. Over breakfast, I continued the conversation that started up in his office.
“I’m sorry I invaded your privacy.”
“Apology accepted. Just so you know, I only did a recon on you after I overheard you with your team. It never occurred to me to ever look into your life. From what I believed, you would be leaving at the conclusion of basketball camp and be on your way.”
“So the stuff you said about finding out about my past, was that bullshit?”
“No, that was the truth. If I wanted to, I said I could find out, but Jake, I will never betray your trust by doing that. Most of the info you did find was a matter of public record, anyone could have found that. I also was not in a good headspace to delve deeper into your background. At the time, I felt betrayed and so hurt by you.”
“You will never know how sorry I am for that.”
“No, I do know now, but it doesn’t matter anymore. We’ve moved on from that, haven’t we?”
“Yes, we have. I love you, Devan.”
“I love you too,” he replied with nothing but honesty in his brown eyes.
To avoid any wandering eyes or imaginative minds, I had Devan drop me off a few blocks from the Y. I couldn’t wait to shout out that he was mine, but not today. I didn’t believe Devan was ready for that public announcement that we were together. If I was being truthful with myself, I still had a twinge of doubt that in the end when we could put all of this behind us and begin again, would he want to?
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