“Making sure the person you love most in the world is always with you.”
We’ve been in school for four months now. I’ve been out on my own for three. The warm afternoons have succumbed to the constant chill that usually comes at this time of year. Heath and I have been out a few times, mostly for coffee. Some of those times have been with the kids and some without. The kids seem to be happy, and I can tell they’ve noticed the change that has slowly been happening between Heath and me. We’ve all gotten into a groove.
Trevor and Jenna split their time between us pretty evenly. It seems when they want to hang out with their friends, they tend to crash at my house since I’m closer. The arrangement has been working nicely for us. I feel as though I’m living my own life on my terms and not a way I feel the other person wants me to live it.
I have to admit that there are a lot of nights when I’m lonely, but it’s a different type of lonely from what I felt when Heath and I were together. When I was feeling lonely at the house with Heath either right beside me or in the garage, I felt a sadness creep over me. I felt sorry for myself and the life that I was living, but now the lonely is different. A bit freeing.
I’m pulled from my thoughts by raised voices, signaling that my class is done reading. “All right, class.” I push myself up from my chair. “When was the Declaration of Independence signed?” I ask the classroom as I walk around my desk in order to make my way through the room. There’s a collective groan, and then silence takes shape.
“July 4th, 1776,” Ben answers.
“That’s right, buddy.”
I walk over and give him some ‘James Kash.’ It’s an incentive that I do with the kids to encourage them to participate in the group activities. If they earn enough money, they can trade it in for gift cards to wherever they want, and I’ll go buy them. I try to double up the money this time of year so the kids can buy Christmas Gifts.
“Who was the first person to sign the declaration?” I look around the room, kids squirm in their seats, eyes looking anywhere but to me. They should know this. We’ve studied it. “Come on, class.”
“Benjamin Franklin!” Scott calls from the back of the room.
“No, sorry, Scotty, that’s not right.” I walk down the aisles, hoping to encourage them a little.
“John Hancock,” Ben answers, and he’s right again.
Walking over to his desk, I drop some more ‘kash’ on his desk. “Everyone should know these answers. We’ve read this chapter, and we’ve gone through each section twice. The test is tomorrow, and it’s the last one before the holiday break. The last one before grades are submitted. Please remember that.”
The bell rings turning the classroom into pandemonium. Before I can remind the kids to study, most of them are out the door. Dropping my butt into the chair, I flip on my computer. I was able to finish my book last month. I have to admit, since the split, I’ve been more eager to write. I feel that I have more emotion than I did before. I’m not sure if it’s because I have more time to do it or the fact that I don’t feel Heath’s eyes on me whenever he’d walk into the room. Having the kids gone more than not helps too, but I kinda hate to admit that out loud.
My email pings and I see that’s it’s from my editor. The subject line is DON’T HATE ME. My stomach drops because I really don’t need her to tell me this latest manuscript is crap. Not when I feel so good about it.
Clicking on the link, I open the email.
Whitney,
I have to say, other than a few things here and there, this is by far your best work. The emotions you describe, the hurt and the fear. I felt each and every word to my bones. That’s why I’ve contacted a publisher friend of mine and gave him the first couple of chapters. #SorryNotSorry He loved them. He understands that they’re still in rough shape and nowhere near the final product, but he feels that you have something here. So much so, that he’d like to meet with you. He understands that this latest book is part of a series and that means that if he takes this book on, he’ll more than likely take on the rest as well. The only downside is that this publishing house has their own team of editors, so you’ll need to work with someone who isn’t me. I’m okay with that. This is a chance of a lifetime for you, and I’d hate for you to miss out on it. I hope you aren’t too upset, and I hope I didn’t overstep, but this is great work, Whit, and it needs to be in bookstores worldwide.
I’ll have your edits to you soon, just in case the meeting doesn’t happen, or you choose to stay indie and not traditional.
Keep doing what you’re doing.
Caroline.
Holy shit.
I can’t believe that she gave a publisher part of my book. There’s no way I can be mad at that. Not when it’s such a huge opportunity. My phone vibrates along my desk, pulling me from my computer screen. Heath’s name flashing on my screen.
“You aren’t going to believe what I just found out,” I all but squeal, not allowing him to answer because I’m too damn excited. “Caroline sent my latest manuscript to a publisher friend of hers, and he wants to meet with me. Can you believe it? I might have the opportunity to be traditionally published. This is like a dream come true.” I’m grinning so much, my face begins to hurt.
“What? Wow, babe, that’s really great.”
“I know, right?” My smile tugs at my lips. “I can’t believe I caught a break.”
“Yeah, real proud of you. Look,” he says, totally blowing off my excitement, “I was wondering if I were to make the salsa that you like to make, what would I need.”
“Canned jalapeños, canned tomatoes, onion, cilantro–”
“What if I have fresh and not canned?”
You have got to be kidding me. I take a deep breath, and I drop my head in my hand. “I don’t know, Heath. That’s not the way I make it.”
“Well, I don’t want to use that canned crap. There’s all that salt and shit in there. I’m trying for fresh here.”
“Then dice everything up and make it fresh mex.”
“That’s not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for the blended–”
“Look,” I snap, cutting him off, “I’m trying to tell you the way I make it because you asked. If it’s not the way you want to make it, then figure it out on your own. I don’t know why you’re even calling me to ask.”
I end the call, tossing my phone on my desk. The feelings of accomplishment have been replaced by feelings of frustration and failure.
“All he said was ‘that’s great babe?’” she asks me from across the table of the local Mexican restaurant we like. This place usually lifts with spirits with its brightly colored walls, authentic Mexican décor hanging on the walls. The strum of mariachi music filters over the speakers at just the right volume. Plus, they have the second best salsa in town, mine being the first, of course.
“Yep, in his same monotone voice,” I tell Ruby while I run my finger around the stem of the wine glass. Cider isn’t going to cut it tonight. I need something with a little more bite to get me out of this funk.
I think back to the conversation, wondering if I misheard his response. Maybe I’m super defensive because of our past. Maybe he acted like he was supposed to and I’m blowing things out of proportion, but my gut is telling me something different.
“I don’t get it. We’ve been communicating so well over the past few months. He’s seemed really engaged, you know? Jesus, I moved out because I was tired of doing the same dang thing and expecting different results, but I’m still doing the same thing. This time I’m doing it from under my own roof, but it’s no less frustrating.” I throw back the rest of my glass and then signal the server for a refill.
“You need to slow down there, Mama. You’re going to be hating life tomorrow when you have to deal with all those brats and you’re nursing a hangover. You know the sweet stuff packs a punch the morning after.”
I sigh, not really caring if I feel like crap tomorrow because I’m not sure it will feel any worse than what
I feel right now. I really thought my plan was working. Yeah, he’s still unable to find someone he wants to hand part of his company over to, but he’s shifted some of his responsibilities over to his lead men, and they’ve been doing everything as he wants them to. Or so he tells me. I’ve seen glimpses of the man he once was. I know he’s in there, but maybe I’m asking too much. I shake my head because it’s not. I’m not asking him to change. I’m asking him to be the man who I fell in love with. I want that man back.
“It’s not surprising, you know? I mean, it’s the way he’s been for so long now. His lack of enthusiasm has been par for the course for years.”
“Sweetie.” Ruby rubs her hand up and down my arm. This is her tell-tell sign that she’s going to tell me something that I may not want to hear. She thinks rubbing me, something she knows I love, will soften the blow to my heart she’s about to inflict.
“Remember the reason why you moved out, but you can’t nitpick him every time he does something you don’t like. You can’t control who he is. You can only control your own actions, and you need to talk to him. You’ve said time and time again that he never talks to you, but honey, other than the night he walked out, when was the last time you honestly told him how you felt? You can’t fix anything if you don’t talk to him and that right there is the biggest issue of them all.”
I nod because she’s right. I know she’s right. “You’re right. I should have told him how I felt instead of losing my cool and hanging up.”
“Doll, you know I’m always more right than wrong. This isn’t your first rodeo. Now either talk to your husband or get the fuck over it.” She sits back, and I can’t help but laugh.
“So crude, my friend,” I say over the rim of my glass.
“If you couldn’t handle me, then you would’ve walked away a long time ago.” She winks as she raises her drink saluting me.
Trying to find the lock in the dark after you’ve had a couple of glasses of wine is a pain in the butt. Pulling out my phone, I switch on the flashlight. “Whit?” Heath’s voice startles me, making me drop my phone.
“Shit,” I swear.
“Sorry,” he says as he bends over, grabbing my phone and handing it to me.
“What are you doing here, Heath? It’s cold. Why are you standing outside my condo?” I check my phone, making sure it’s not broken. “It’s after ten. Are the kids all right?”
“Yeah, they’re fine.”
He takes a step towards me, and his familiar scent hits my nose. He’s wearing my favorite cologne. He doesn’t usually wear anything, only on the special occasions, so knowing that he’s wearing it tonight is like a twist in the heart. I don’t know where he’s been or who he’s been with. These feelings of jealously are things that I need to get over because I’m the reason why we’re where we are.
“I wanted to talk to you.”
“Oh, were you on your way home or something?” I know I’m reaching, but I want to know where he’s been tonight.
“What, no.” He shakes his head. “I’ve been sitting in the truck for a couple of hours, waiting for you to get back.”
Relief floods my body, and I feel like I can finally exhale the breath I’ve been holding since he startled me. “Oh, okay. Would you like to come in?” I point to the door with my keys.
“Yeah, that would be great. Thanks.”
I finally get the door open, turn on the light and usher him in. This is the first time that he’s stepped foot into the condo. He usually pulls up near the sidewalk when he’s here to get the kids.
He looks around. “It looks great, Whitney. It’s completely you. Totally different from the house, but still you.” I watch him as he takes in the pictures I have on a bookcase. His finger runs down the spine of my latest book before taking it out. He runs thumbs through the pages before shelving it back where he got it. He turns around, and his face is full of remorse, regret maybe.
“I wanted to apologize for the way I acted today when you told me about the publishing opportunity. I’m sorry.”
I’m speechless, so I just nod. My throat is so thick with emotion, I’m afraid I won’t be able to speak. He takes a step towards me.
“Is it all right if I sit?” He motions to the couch.
“Yeah, sure.” I lower myself to the couch, pulling my legs to my chest and wrapping my arm around myself.
Looking down at the ground, he rubs his hands together. “I’ve enjoyed these past few months. Us getting to know each other again–not as Mom and Dad, but as Heath and Whitney, have meant something to me. I think more than I thought it would. I want you to know I’ve meant everything we’ve talked about.”
He’s right. “Me too, Heath. It’s been the same for me, too.” I whisper.
“There’s no excuse for how I reacted to your news. I’m damn proud of you, Whitney. I’ve always been so proud of you. You are the best part of me, and I’m sorry it’s taken you leaving for me to get my head out of my ass and see that. Losing you and our marriage isn’t an option for me.”
I quickly wipe the moisture from my face. “I’m glad that you think that.”
“And I understand why you thought differently. Today didn’t helpmy case.”
“No, it didn’t.”
“You and the kids have always been my greatest accomplishments.”
His confession breaks my heart.
“I’m a dumb man.” He runs his hand through his hair and then stares off into the distance as he continues. “I’ve always known you were smarter than me. I’ve always known that you would excel at life further than I would but I always thought no matter what, I’d be right there with you while you did it. I never thought you’d ever see me for who I really was, and that’s a scared, foolish man. I’ve always been terrified of losing you, losing our family–us. That’s probably one of my biggest fears. And it’s come true.” He hangs his head.
I drop my feet to the ground. “Heath, it hasn’t come true.”
He turns his head, regarding me with so much emotion. “It hasn’t? You may not think that right now, but it may change. Things may change. This time apart may turn into finding each other to you finding someone else, and I’m not sure I can deal with that. You’ve always been mine, Whit, and I don’t ever want that to change.”
“Heath–”
“Did I ever tell you how blown away I was when you told me that you wanted to be my girlfriend? I thought for years I had this one-sided crush. The classic cliché about a boy who falls for his best friend. I never thought you’d ever like me back in that way, not to mention fall in love with me and become my wife. I always thought I was the luckiest son of a bitch on the planet when agreed to spend your life with me, and now, because I lost track of you, I may be the reason why it might not happen.”
“Don’t say that.”
“How can I not? How can I not kick myself in the ass for ever thinking the little I’ve been giving you all these years would be enough for you?”
“You’ve done–”
“Don’t. Don’t tell me that I’ve done my best because if that were true, then I really don’t deserve you.” He hangs his head again. “There’s no way on God’s green earth that I would be able to live the life I’ve had without you… and these past few months, lying in an empty bed, sitting in an empty house has proven to me, just how much of me is you. I’m nothing without you.”
He looks up at me, eyes red with emotion. When he blinks, a single tear rolls down his cheek. I want to reach out and wipe it. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him that I still very much love him. But those are all the things that my heart would do, and for twenty years I lived in fear of my heart. I need to listen with my head, and these are words. It’s always been just words, and from now on, I need to see actions. I need to feel… feelings.
“You’re everything I’ve always wanted, Heath. That hasn’t changed, so please don’t think it will.”
“Coming from my wife who’s no longer living in our home,” he sn
aps back. He shakes his head, putting his hands up, he takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m just upset. I feel like I’m making headway, and then I screw up and I’m back to square one.”
“You’re not, I promise. It’s not just you. It’s me too. I should have told you how I felt tonight, but I didn’t. I have some changing that I need to do as well.”
“Well, I’m trying. That’s all I can do.” He pulls himself off the couch, and I follow. “I didn’t mean for all that to come out. I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry about how I handled today.”
“Do you feel better?”
“Yeah, actually I do.”
“I’m glad. And we’re good. Don’t worry about it.”
“Thank you for listening.” He takes a step towards me, pulling me into a hug. The instant feeling of home comes over me.
“It would be so easy to fall back into the way we were,” I say into his shoulder, “but I need to stop listening to my heart because it loves you and us way too much.”
His lips brush against my cheek. “Then listen to your gut, Whit. Take some time and talk it out with your mind, but don’t forget to ask the advice of your heart. Your heart has always been the most important thing to me, even through the years when I didn’t show it.” He pulls the warmth of his body away from mine and leaves me with the click of the front door.
My feet stay planted, unwilling to run after him, all the while my heart screams for him to come back.
“Sonofa…!”
I hit the steering wheel. It’s the last day of school before the three-week break, my car won’t start, and it’s so cold I can see my breath. The constant whir of the engine as I turn the key doesn’t help the situation. I’m not sure if the battery’s dead, or what. All I know is that I need to get to school.
I jump when there’s a tap on my window. I see Liam standing there in joggers and a Henley with a beanie pulled close over his ears. His nose has a pink tinge to it that matches his cheeks. I roll my window down. “What are you doing?”
Take 2 on Love Page 11