by Cally Taylor
‘What!’ Now it was my turn to stare from the conference centre to Archie and back. ‘No! Tell me you’re kidding? Please.’
He shook his head. ‘I’m afraid not. There’s a big difference between Star Wars fans and Trekkers, Lucy. A very big difference. It’s like, um, I don’t know. You liking Gucci handbags and me buying you one from Primark instead. Not that Star Trek is cheap, per se, it’s just …’ He tailed off.
I stared at the tickets in my hand. Four letters, that was all I’d got wrong, four letters. Wars instead of Trek. How could I have been so stupid?
‘I’ll take them back,’ I said, folding them up. ‘I’m sure they’ll give me a refund and then we can do something else.’
‘No, let’s go in anyway,’ Archie said, nudging me playfully. ‘Who knows, it might be fun. We can laugh at all the geeks in there.’
That made me grin, him calling other people geeks. I was still disappointed though. I’d felt sure he’d meet his soulmate at the convention and there was no chance of that now. Not unless he wanted a ‘Primark’ girlfriend. I’d have to have another re-think. And I only had five full days left to find him the love of his life. Shit.
‘Come on, you,’ Archie said, linking his arm through mine. ‘Stop looking so miserable. It’ll be fun, honestly.’
Yeah right.
An overly smiley man in a Star Trek outfit took our tickets as we walked into the conference centre and handed us a programme each.
‘Have a good day,’ he said in a fake American accent.
‘Live long and prosper,’ replied Archie. He made some kind of weird shape with his hand and burst into laughter again as he walked away.
I just stared at him. Great, another geek joke I didn’t get.
‘Come on,’ he said, pulling on my arm and dragging me into the main hall. ‘What do you want to see first?’
It was an enormous venue, absolutely stuffed with people and geeky delights. There was stall after stall, each one crammed with Star Trek memorabilia, along the wall to our left and fast food outlets along the wall to our right. I sniffed the air. Hot dogs and chips mostly.
‘Look,’ Archie said, pointing upwards. ‘There are spaceships hanging from the ceiling.’
‘Right,’ I said, looking from one piece of grey plastic to another. ‘Very interesting. Oh look, isn’t that the room where Captain Kirk sits in his chair and drives the spaceship?’
Archie looked towards the centre of the room where models of various characters in different uniforms and costumes were arranged into unusual poses.
‘I think you’ll find that’s called the bridge of the Enterprise,’ he said.
The only thing I was vaguely interested in was the stalls – they were the closest thing to shopping, after all. I drifted towards them and picked up a teddy bear in a Star Trek outfit.
‘Which talk are you looking forward to more?’ Archie asked, holding the programme in front of my face and pointing at the various ‘events’. ‘The Physics of Star Trek or The Soul of Star Trek : the Prime Directive and Beyond?’
I laughed and put the teddy back down. ‘You may take the piss, Mr Humphreys-Smythe, but I bet you’ve really been to hundreds of geeky conventions in your time. You’re probably an old hand at this kind of thing.’
‘Actually,’ Archie said, looking a bit huffy, ‘I haven’t been to a single convention in my life. I think they’re a bit sad.’
‘Really?’ I picked up a model of some kind of alien that looked like a fish head on a belly dancer’s body. ‘But you said you liked Star Wars .’
‘I do, but I’m not obsessive about it. You like karaoke. Have you been to a karaoke convention?’
‘No. Of course not.’ I put the fish head alien back down. Star Trek shopping was rubbish.
‘Well then.’
He had a point, I thought, as I let him drag me towards the replica of the bridge of the Enterprise .
‘Hey,’ I said, pointing at my programme. ‘William Shatner’s going to give a talk.’
Archie grinned at me. ‘And?’
‘Want to hear it?’
He raised his eyebrows. ‘Now who’s the geek?’
‘I just liked his cover of Pulp’s ‘Common People’, that’s all,’ I said, my cheeks growing hot. You know the one, it goes …’
I was just about to start singing when Archie lunged towards me and grabbed my shoulders.
‘Don’t freak out, and don’t look round,’ he whispered. ‘But I think we’re being followed.’
I immediately looked round.
‘I said, don’t look round!’ Archie hissed, turning me back.
‘But who’s following us?’
I tried to turn round again but he grabbed my arm. ‘A Klingon.’
‘What’s a Klingon?’ I asked. ‘Something you stick in your pants when you’re old and coughing makes a bit of wee come out?’
Archie pulled a face. ‘Delightful. No, it’s one of the alien races in Star Trek. They’ve got big ridges on their foreheads, a receding hairline and long, dark hair.’
‘Sounds like the guy I lost my virginity to.’
‘Lucy, I’m not kidding,’ he said, running his hand through his hair. ‘Someone has been following us since we came in.’
My heart sunk.
‘Is it your gran?’ I asked, clutching his arm. ‘Please say it’s not your gran.’
‘Of course it’s not my gran.’ He rolled his eyes. ‘For one thing, she’s gone shopping in the West End and two, why would my gran wear a Klingon oufit?’
I grinned. ‘Well, you had to inherit your geek tendencies from someone.’
‘Me a geek?’ He pointed to his chest. ‘You’re the one who wants to listen to William Shatner’s talk.’
‘And you’re the one whose idea of a party is sitting in a dark room with two other guys.’
‘Touché.’
‘So, where’s our stalker then?’ There was an ageing rocker in a ‘Spock is God’ T-shirt directly behind us, his greasy hair spread over his shoulders, but that was it for long-haired freaks. ‘I can’t see any Klingons.’
‘That’s because she’s disappeared,’ Archie said, pulling on my arm. ‘I think she knows we’re onto her.’
‘What makes you think it’s a her?’
‘It was a very, very short Klingon.’
I shrugged. ‘Maybe it was just a kid having a laugh.’
Archie didn’t look convinced. ‘Let’s just carry on wandering around. If we are being followed we’ll soon find out.’
I looped my arm through his and we strolled towards the nearest mannequin. It was a woman with fair hair pinned up into a french pleat and a piece of metal shaped like a lizard curved over her left eyebrow. She was dressed in a silver catsuit with a triangular badge pinned above her ludicrously large breasts.
‘Stop here,’ Archie whispered as we approached her. ‘Pretend to look interested.’
I stared at the mannequin’s boobs. They were hard to miss. ‘Who is she?’
‘Seven of Nine,’ Archie said. ‘She’s a bit of a Star Trek fantasy figure.’
‘For someone who claims not to be into Star Trek,’ I said, raising an eyebrow, ‘you seem to know a hell of a lot about it.’
‘Everyone knows Seven of Nine is fit,’ he said, gazing up at her. ‘I am male, you know. Oh, hang on. I think our stalker is back. Have a look but, for God’s sake, be subtle about it, Lucy.’
I hid behind the mannequin and peered through the crook of her elbow. A small person with a massively bumpy forehead, long, wiry hair and thick bushy eyebrows, was staring up at one of the model ships hanging from the ceiling. She was wearing a figure-hugging black and metal costume, but there was something about her outfit that wasn’t quite right.
‘Archie,’ I hissed, hiding my massive grin behind my hand. ‘Who do we know who wears pink trainers with stacked heels?’
‘No idea,’ he said, scratching his head.
God, men were so unobservant sometimes.
>
‘Sally,’ I said. ‘Sally wears trainers like that.’
‘But … but.’ He looked confused. ‘Why would Sally come here and follow us around?’
‘Because she’s not following us,’ I said, my mind slowly unpicking the events of the last few weeks. ‘She’s following you.’
It all made sense – Sally’s reaction to Archie’s haircut, her hostility towards me, the way she spent the whole of the work party glued to Archie’s side, and then jumped to his defence when Graham picked on him.
‘What? Me?’ Archie looked at me as though I was mad. ‘Why would she follow me?’
‘I’m not one hundred percent sure,’ I said, careful not to tempt fate or freak Archie out, ‘but I suspect Sally may have a crush on you.’
‘What?’ he said, swaying and grabbing hold of Seven of Nine’s arm.
I glanced over my shoulder. Our Klingon stalker caught my eye and looked back up at the ceiling.
‘I think she really likes you, Archie.’
‘If this is your idea of a wind-up, Lucy,’ he said, looking a tad green, ‘I don’t think it’s very funny.’
Someone behind me cleared their throat.
‘Yes?’ I said, looking round.
It was greasy rocker boy. He was sweating profusely and mopping his forehead with a crumpled-up tissue that had seen cleaner days. Beside him stood a tiny slip of a woman wearing a T-shirt that said ‘My other boyfriend is Jean Luc Picard.’ She glared at me.
‘Would you mind moving?’ Greasy Rocker said. ‘I’ve been waiting to have my photo taken with Seven for several minutes now.’
‘She’s all yours,’ I said, moving out of the way. ‘We were just going. Weren’t we, Archie?’
He jumped as I grabbed his arm and yanked him towards the next mannequin.
‘I’m not winding you up, Archie,’ I said, trying to work out if I was looking at a Star Trek alien with big ears, a big nose, and a wrinkly forehead or a model of Bruce Forsyth. ‘I think Sally really does like you. The big question is – do you like her?’
‘I don’t know,’ Archie stammered, the tips of his ears turning pink. ‘There’s no doubt that she’s a very attractive girl and she did save me from Graham yesterday. Which, I hasten to add, I was extraordinarily grateful for—’
‘About that,’ I interrupted. ‘I’m really sorry I—’ ‘And we had a really interesting chat about music on the way to the tube after we ran off,’ he continued, totally oblivious to the fact I’d just spoken. ‘Sally’s into rap and hip-hop as well, you know. Did you know that?’
I shook my head. ‘No, I—’
‘I never, for one second, thought she might like me in the way you mention, Lucy. And besides, it wasn’t so long ago that I thought I was in love with …’ He looked down, unable to finish his sentence.
I peered round the corner, too embarrassed to look at Archie. Sally the Klingon was standing near the Seven of Nine statue. Greasy Rocker was posing for a photo; one hand on Seven’s boob, the other clutching a burger. It gave me an idea.
‘Archie,’ I whispered. ‘Would you like to go out for dinner tomorrow?’
He frowned. ‘What? I mean, pardon. I thought we were talking about Sally.’
‘We were. Now I’m asking if you’d like to go out to dinner tomorrow.’
‘I don’t know,’ he said, scratching his head.
‘Please say you’ll come,’ I begged. ‘Kung Po in Swiss Cottage at 8 p.m. Say you’ll be there.’
He shrugged. ‘I’ll see what I can do, but I can’t promise anything.’
‘Great,’ I said, holding up a hand. ‘Now, stay there for a minute. Promise not to come after me.’
‘Whatever you say, Lucy,’ Archie said. The poor thing looked totally bewildered.
*
Sally didn’t notice me creep up behind her.
‘Hi, Sally,’ I shouted in her ear.
She jumped, spun round, and elbowed me in the side of the head.
‘Lucy!’ she squealed as I toppled onto the conference centre floor. ‘Fancy seeing you here. How did you know it was me?’
‘Something gave you away,’ I said, scrabbling back to my feet and pointing down at her trainers.
‘Oh,’ she said, looking down and rocking back on her heels. ‘I did try wearing plain black boots, but I love these trainers. I just don’t feel myself without them.’
‘So, what brings you here?’ I asked. ‘I didn’t have you down as a Star Trek fan.’
‘Oh I am,’ she said unconvincingly, smoothing down her uniform. ‘I’ve loved them for, like, for ever.’
‘I see.’
‘Archie not with you?’ she asked, standing on tiptoes and peering over my shoulder.
‘Why, were you hoping to run into him?’
‘No, not especially.’ She fiddled with the silver cuffs around her wrists. ‘I was just wondering where he was, that’s all. You did say you bought the tickets for him.’
Time to put her out of her misery. I’d teased her enough.
‘He’s just round the corner,’ I said, pointing across the room. ‘I think he’s looking at one of the exhibitions. Shall we go and join him?’
‘That would be nice,’ she said excitedly, almost bouncing on the spot.
We weaved in between a crowd of people all gawping at a life-sized replica of some kind of red, rocky planet. You could barely see for all the camera flashes going off.
‘Sally,’ I said, shielding my eyes. ‘Would you like to go out for dinner tomorrow?’
She paused and looked up at me.
‘Me?’ she said, pointing at her chest.
‘Yes, you.’
‘With you?’ She looked vaguely terrified.
‘Not just me. Archie will be there too.’
‘I’d love to go to dinner,’ she grinned. ‘I’d totally love it.’
‘I thought you might,’ I said as we rounded the corner and approached a nervous-looking Archie. ‘I totally thought you might.’
Chapter Thirty-four
Sunday 12th May
Day Sixteen
It was going to be the best Sunday of my life (or death, whatever), I just knew it. The Star Trek convention had been a brilliant idea. Talk about inspired. So Archie wasn’t actually a fan of the programme, so what? That hadn’t stopped it from being a fantastic day. As soon as I’d spotted Sally in her Klingon outfit I knew my luck had changed. I’d been searching the Internet for Archie’s soulmate and she was under my nose the whole time. OK, so Archie had spent most of the day blushing furiously and laughing at my Captain Kirk impressions, but that was what the restaurant date was about: getting him to talk to Sally in a more normal environment. Task, schmask. I was practically home and dry.
I was the first one to take my seat at Kung Po’s, shortly followed by a very sweaty Archie.
‘Am I late?’ he said, hurrying to the table and looking at his watch. ‘Sorry, Grandmother had one of her turns before I left. I nearly didn’t make it at all, but I couldn’t bear to think of you sitting here all on your own, assuming I’d stood you up. You really should get a mobile phone you know, Lucy.’
‘Yeah, yeah,’ I said as he pulled off his jacket and sat down. ‘Breathe, Archie, breathe.’
I poured wine into his glass and he nodded gratefully.
‘Sorry, Lucy, I’m just a bit stressed at the moment. I spent hours looking for a job on the net last night. There are loads out there but the application forms take for ever to fill out and I need to find something ASAP. It’s not just me I need to support.’
‘So you’re definitely not going back to Computer Bitz?’ I asked.
He spluttered on his wine. ‘You’re kidding me, right?’
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘I wasn’t implying that you should. Of course you shouldn’t. I was just checking.’
If Archie wasn’t going back to work on Monday, there was no point me going either. I had his mobile number and he had my landline, so we could easily stay in touch. The big prob
lem was Sally. As far as I knew, they hadn’t exchanged numbers and without their little chats when she brought in the sandwiches each day, they’d quickly lose touch. That’s why the restaurant date was so important. Talking of Sally, where was she? I looked at my watch.
‘Should we order?’ Archie asked, picking up his menu. ‘Oh, they’ve got prawn toast. My favourite.’
‘Actually, we’re waiting for someone else to join us,’ I said, glancing at the door.
‘We are?’ He peered at me over the top of his menu.
I’d kept quiet about inviting Sally because I didn’t want to scare him off. She was obviously into him, but I wasn’t one hundred percent sure how he felt about her. And there was the not so small matter of him being in love with me.
‘I invited Sally along too,’ I said casually, reaching for my menu. ‘I hope you don’t mind.’
‘Sally.’ Archie frowned. ‘What are you up to, Lucy?’
‘Nothing,’ I lied. ‘I just thought it would be nice to go out to dinner together. I know Sally and I have had our disagreements, but she was great fun at the convention yesterday, so I thought I’d invite her along.’
‘You might have told me,’ Archie said, dabbing the beads of sweat on his forehead. ‘If I’d known Sally was coming too, I wouldn’t have been so worried about you being here on your own.’
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘It was a last-minute decision and anyway, she’s not here yet, is she? I’d still have been on my own.’
Archie didn’t answer. Instead he slammed his menu shut, crossed his arms and stared at the ceiling. Oh great. Now he was pissed off with me. I stared at the door, willing Sally to walk through it. I needed her more than ever. To lift the mood, if nothing else.
I was reaching for the last complimentary prawn cracker when she finally walked into the restaurant.
‘Wow,’ I gasped, dropping the cracker.
Sally looked absolutely astonishing, a vision in black and silver. She was wearing a tiny little dress that skimmed the top of her thighs and a pair of black strappy high-heeled shoes with tiny diamantés on the straps. Her hair was piled on top of her head and she’d lined her eyes with kohl and painted her lips a deep red. Her beaming smile faded as she tottered towards us.