Heaven Can Wait

by Cally Taylor

‘No.’

  He sighed, ran his fingers through his hair and stared up at the ceiling. When he finally looked back at me there was a pained expression on his face.

  ‘Let me get this right. You’re telling me your highest priority before emigrating to Australia was getting me and Sally together?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘So important, in fact, that when my grandmother joined us for dinner, you chose to insult us both and pour wine over her head.’

  ‘I know it sound ridiculous—’

  ‘Ridiculous?’ Archie snorted. ‘It sounds positively insane.’

  What could I say to that? Of course it sounded insane. I’d acted like some kind of psycho.

  ‘What hurts me most,’ Archie continued, ‘is that I truly believed we were friends. I really thought you liked me, Lucy.’

  ‘I do like you,’ I said.

  ‘Then why did you call me a loser and humiliate me?’

  ‘I didn’t mean it. I only said that because I was so frus—’

  Archie’s chair squealed against the floor as he pushed himself back from the table. ‘If you say frustrated one more time, Lucy, I’m walking out and you’ll never see me again.’

  ‘Please,’ I whispered as everyone in the café stopped talking and stared at us. ‘Please just listen to me. I’ll explain everything. Don’t go.’

  He pulled his chair closer and put his elbows on the table. ‘I’m listening.’

  ‘Archie,’ I said, ‘the reason I was so frus … horrible that night was because I suspected my boyfriend was in love with someone else.’

  Archie’s mouth fell open. ‘You’ve got a boyfriend?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘So you lied to me when you said you were single?’

  ‘Yes.’

  For one terrible second I thought he was going to keep his word and walk out. Instead, he sat up straight and folded his arms.

  ‘So how long have you been together?’

  ‘Seven years.’

  ‘Seven years.’ He raised his eyebrows. ‘So there was no reason for you to go to speed-dating events?’

  ‘No, apart from trying to find someone for you.’

  ‘Why me?’ he said, holding out his hands. ‘Why me? I’m not a bloody charity case, Lucy. You can’t dabble with my life just because your own love life is screwed up.’

  ‘I know that now.’

  Archie sighed and shook his head. ‘So, and correct me if I’m wrong, because this is the only logical explanation I can come up with to explain this whole mess, you thought your boyfriend was cheating on you so you decided to emigrate to Australia but, before you left, you wanted to prove to yourself that there was such a thing as true love, so you set about trying to find a soulmate for me. It was your little mission, so to speak. Is that what happened?’

  ‘Something like that.’

  ‘Oh, Lucy,’ Archie said, his eyes soft. ‘I had no clue you were feeling so bitter and miserable.’

  I looked down at my hands. They were shaking. ‘I just had so many dreams,’ I said, ‘and I couldn’t accept it when they were destroyed. I was looking for a way to make everything right again, but I didn’t realise how selfish I was being until very recently.’

  Archie’s hand drifted towards mine, but stopped short. ‘You upset a lot of people the other night, Lucy.’

  I looked up at him. ‘Yes, I did, and I’m very sorry.’

  ‘Grandmother’s still angry, and won’t have your name spoken aloud.’

  ‘I don’t blame her.’

  ‘But you did do something right, Lucy.’

  I felt sure I hadn’t done a single thing right, but a smile was playing on Archie’s lips so I asked the question anyway. ‘What was that?’

  ‘You brought Sally and I closer.’

  I looked at him with surprise. ‘I did?’

  ‘Yes, you did.’ He smiled. ‘Grandmother decided to go home shortly after the wine incident and left Sally and I alone. The conversation was stilted at first, surprised as we were by your actions, but we started to talk and relax, and we ended up having a very enjoyable evening together.’

  ‘You did?’ I said.

  ‘Yes. And it turns out Sally and I have a lot more in common than I realised. She must be the only other person I’ve ever met who likes rap, Warcraft, Italian food, Miro and Dostoyevsky in equal measures.’

  ‘You like Dostoyevsky?’ I asked incredulously. I’d always thought he was more of a Lord of the Rings kind of man.

  He nodded. ‘And so does Sally. In fact, we have very similar tastes in art and literature, and we share an interest in philosophy.’

  I couldn’t speak. Bratz fan Sally was into art and literature? I never would have guessed. I also wouldn’t have guessed that Archie was into rap, Claire was an insecure romantic, and Brian was a thoughtful, caring man. To me, when I first met them, they were the geek, the goth and the trainspotter, and not a lot more. So much had changed in twenty-one days.

  ‘And I was dreading telling you this,’ Archie continued, his eyes on my empty coffee cup, ‘before your boyfriend revelation, anyway. But the way you acted the other night, and the things you said, made me see you in your true colours.’

  I opened my mouth to speak, but Archie held up a hand.

  ‘You’re not a bad person, Lucy, far from it, but you’re not the girl I fell in love with. Do you know why?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘Because I wasn’t really in love with you. I was in love with the idea of being in love. On the surface, and because you showed an interest in me, it seemed like you were the woman for me, but I was wrong. My match was far closer to home.’

  I bit my lip. Was he about to say what I thought he was going to say?

  ‘It’s very early days,’ he continued, ‘and it would be wrong of me to use a word like love so readily again, but … ’ He swallowed, ‘…I have very strong feelings for Sally and it appears she has similar feelings for me. And we’d like to see where they lead. Grandmother seems to be very fond of her too.’

  Archie’s gaze flickered up and met mine. I smiled at him, a huge smile, a genuine smile, my first real smile in days.

  ‘I’m so happy for you,’ I said, reaching across the table and squeezing his hands. ‘So, so, so happy for you. You have no idea how pleased I am.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Absolutely.’

  ‘So mission accomplished then?’

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘Your little mission to get Sally and I together – it worked. Happy endings all round.’

  Archie looked so delighted I didn’t have the heart to tell him it really didn’t matter whether I’d got them together or not. Saying he had feelings for Sally wasn’t the same as saying she was his soulmate. Telling me he ‘wanted to see where things lead’, wasn’t the same as telling me he’d met the love of his life. Sooner or later, the men in grey would show up and, no matter what they told me, there was no happy ending for me. Even if, by some miracle, I had passed my task, I’d already made my decision. And it involved leaving Dan behind. I was just about to say something when Archie’s phone bleeped.

  ‘It’s Sally,’ he said. ‘We’re going for a picnic in the park this afternoon and I’m responsible for the food so I’d better get moving.’

  ‘That sounds lovely,’ I said.

  ‘Oh, how rude of me,’ Archie said, shifting in his seat. ‘I don’t suppose you’d like to join us, Lucy?’

  I shook my head. ‘I’ve got a few things to do.’

  ‘Of course you do,’ Archie said, standing up and grinning down at me. ‘You’re emigrating to Australia. How exciting. A new start and all that. That’s not to say I won’t miss you. We both will. Maybe we could visit you next year, when you’re settled.’

  ‘Don’t take this the wrong way,’ I said, thinking about where I was actually going. ‘But I hope I don’t see you and Sally for a long, long time.’

  Archie looked puzzled, but he reached out his arms anyway. ‘Hug
? No hard feelings, Lucy.’

  ‘No hard feelings, Archie,’ I said, gripping the sides of my seat, ‘but do you mind if we don’t hug? I’ve said a lot of goodbyes recently, and I’ll only start crying again.’

  ‘If you think I’d accept a poor excuse like that, you’ve got another think coming,’ he said, rounding the table and wrapping himself round my shoulders. ‘You’ll be happy again, Lucy. I know you will.’

  ‘I do hope so, Archie,’ I said, hugging him back.

  ‘Right,’ he said, letting go of me and hoisting his bag onto his shoulder. ‘I’m off to the picnic. And you’re packing, I presume?’

  ‘Soon,’ I said. ‘There’s someone else I have to say goodbye to first.’

  I’d just crept out of the coffee shop when I spotted two very familiar men in grey suits walking towards me. I paused on the corner of Wardour Street and waited for them to catch up.

  ‘Lucy Brown?’ said the one on the left.

  I nodded. ‘I’m Lucy.’

  ‘Let’s go somewhere more private,’ said the one on the right, as shoppers and tourists weaved around us and crowded the pavement.

  The two men set off at such a pace I had to jog to keep up with them. They finally stopped walking when we reached the Southbank. Neither of them had broken a sweat but I was panting. I slumped over the high wall above the Thames and stared down at the dark water beneath me until my breathing returned to normal.

  ‘Can we sit down?’ I asked, standing back up and pressing my fingers into the stitch in my side. ‘There’s a bench over there.’

  The men glanced in different directions like a pair of identical mantlepiece dogs, then looked back at me.

  ‘OK,’ said one. ‘But if anyone joins us we’ll have to move.’

  ‘Fine,’ I said, slumping onto the bench. ‘But you might have to drag me off.’

  Both men raised their left eyebrow in my direction and shifted along the bench towards me so I was pinned between their shoulders.

  ‘I didn’t mean I would refuse to go with you,’ I said, wriggling madly. ‘I’m just too tired to walk anywhere else.’

  As they relaxed and inched away from me, a phone trilled loudly. The man on my left reached into his inside pocket.

  ‘Yes, Bob,’ he said into the mobile. ‘Yes, we have her here. OK. Here she is.’

  He handed me the phone and I pressed it against my ear.

  ‘Congratulations on completing your task, Miss Brown,’ said Bob, his voice as warm and jovial as ever.

  My heart double-thumped. ‘What?’

  ‘You’ve passed your task.’

  ‘But Archie didn’t say Sally was the love of his life.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘But … but … ’ I stuttered, ‘for Brian’s task, he had to get Troy to admit he was a railway enthusiast. I didn’t get Archie to admit he’d found his soulmate.’

  ‘You didn’t have to,’ Bob said, his voice as clear as if I was standing right next to him. ‘Your task clearly stated that you should find Archibald Humphreys-Smythe the love of his life, and you did. Sally was always destined to be Archibald’s soulmate. They just needed bringing together, and that’s what you did. You passed your task, Lucy.’

  I gasped with delight. I did it. I actually did it! Sally and Archie were destined to be together. They’d live happily ever after and I’d made it happen.

  ‘So,’ Bob continued, ‘on to the big question. As you have now qualified for ghost status, you may now decide whether you’d like to become a ghost or if you’d rather return to limbo and go on from here to heaven.’

  My elation at passing my task deflated like a leaky balloon.

  ‘If I choose limbo,’ I said quietly, aware the men in grey on either side of me were listening intently, ‘do I have to leave immediately or can I have a bit of time?’

  ‘Time?’

  ‘To say goodbye to someone.’

  ‘Lucy,’ Bob said, immediately adopting his officious tone. ‘You are still expressly forbidden from contacting or communicating with anyone you knew when you were alive, as stated in the manual, rule—’

  ‘I know,’ I interrupted. ‘I know that, Bob. And I’m not going to communicate with anyone. I just want to see someone for the last time and say goodbye to them. Silently,’ I added before he could object.

  ‘You will be stopped if you try and communicate with anyone,’ Bob said.

  ‘I won’t. I promise. Please, Bob. Please just give me a bit of time to say goodbye. This hasn’t been an easy decision to make.’

  ‘And your decision is?’

  ‘Limbo, then heaven.’

  ‘You have until midnight tonight to say your goodbyes. If you break the rules of the manual or fail to return to the House of Wannabe Ghosts before midnight, you will be apprehended and escorted back.’

  ‘I understand that.’

  ‘Lucy,’ he said gravely. ‘This is your last chance to change your mind. If you want to become a ghost you must tell me now. What you say to me next will be set in stone and cannot be changed. So, what is it to be? Ghost or heaven?’

  Ghost, my heart called. Choose ghost. If you don’t, you’ll never see Dan again after today. You’ll have to wait years and years to see him again and when he does make it to heaven, his heart will belong to Anna and not you.

  Heaven, my brain said. Lucy, you have to go to heaven. You have to do what is right for Dan. If you love him you’ll let him go so he can find happiness again. You have to do what’s best for Dan, not what’s best for you. That’s what true love is all about – putting someone else’s happiness ahead of your own.

  I took a deep breath. ‘I choose heaven, Bob,’ I said.

  I sat on the bench for a long time after the men in grey had pocketed the phone and disappeared over the bridge. The sun set slowly over London and thousands of lights flickered and glowed through the gloom. All over the city people were leaving their offices and pouring into bars, clubs and restaurants. I’d always loved London at night. You never knew what adventure you were going to have or who you were going to meet. As I gazed at the city that had been my home for so long, I said goodbye to the life that I’d had. No more cold mornings snuggled up under the duvet, no more hot summer afternoons, no more dipping my toes in the sea on the first day of a holiday, dancing naked in the kitchen, singing at the top of my voice or melting chocolate on my tongue. No more shopping, reading, cinema or birthdays. I’d never again arrange the twinkling lights on a Christmas tree and watch pine needles fall as I stuffed my presents underneath. I wrapped my arms around me and thought about all the people I’d loved in my life. I remembered kisses, laughter, arguments, tears, giggles and jokes. I drank in the view before me, knowing I’d never see it again, never experience those things again, and I said a silent goodbye.

  I felt strangely peaceful as I stood up from the bench and walked along the Southbank as the Thames flowed silently beside me. I had one more person to say goodbye to and then I’d leave. For ever.

  The lights were on in 33, White Street. I sat down on a low wall on the opposite side of the street and gazed through the window. The curtains were open and I could see Dan’s long shape on the sofa, his head on my favourite cushion, a can of lager in his hand. I couldn’t tell if he was asleep or not, but he was very still. I was relieved he was at home on a Friday night instead of out at a bar or, worse still, at Anna’s house. It was right that it was just the two of us, separated but together, on my last night on earth. Maybe, deep inside, Dan knew tonight was the night I’d say my final goodbye.

  ‘I love you, Dan,’ I whispered across the street. ‘I love you more than anyone else in the world. You were the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the man I was going to marry. I thought you’d cry at the altar as I walked up the aisle in my wedding dress and spin me round the dance floor at the reception and nestle your face in my hair. I wanted you to be the father of my children, Dan. I wanted you to lift me up and spin me round when I said I was pregnant an
d hold my hand as I went into labour. Your beaming smile would light up the room as our son or daughter was brought into the world. I wanted to share all my joys and disappointments with you, to grow old with you. You were the only man I ever loved, ever wanted, ever needed. I love you, Dan, and I’ll never stop loving you. You are, you were, and you will always be, my soulmate. I love you, Daniel Harding. I love you. I love you. I love you.’

  Tears were streaming down my face as I stood up and dragged myself away from my house, away from Dan, away from everything that could have, should have, been. I stopped. I couldn’t do it. I had to take one last look at him. I had to see his face one more time. I turned, slowly, and caught my breath. Anna was standing at the front door, her finger on the bell.

  No, I thought, no, no, no. Please, Anna. Please go away. Don’t spoil this for me. You can have Dan for the rest of your life, but this is my moment. This is my goodbye. Don’t answer the door, Dan, I willed. Please be asleep. Please don’t hear the bell.

  But Dan didn’t hear me.

  He pulled himself up off the sofa and disappeared into the hallway. Every bone in my body told me to turn around and walk away, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop myself from crossing the road and approaching the house. Anna, her attention totally focused on the door in front of her, didn’t notice me crouch down behind the next door neighbour’s car. She straightened her mini-skirt and smoothed down her hair.

  ‘Hi, Dan,’ she said as he opened the door and slumped against the doorframe. ‘Are you going to invite me in then, or do I have to stay out here all night?’

  Dan shook his head and said something I couldn’t hear.

  ‘What’s up, Danny?’ Anna said, reaching out to stroke his cheek. ‘Are you embarrassed about what happened the other night?’

  ‘I wasn’t expecting you,’ Dan said sharply, moving his head so Anna’s hand fell from his cheek to his shoulder.

  She took a step back. ‘Sorry. I should have rung, but I fancied a drink at the White Horse and thought I’d see if you fancied joining me.’

  Dan shook his head. ‘I’m not in the mood.’

  ‘Oh come on,’ said Anna, pulling at his hand. ‘You’ll love it when you get there. Look, you’ve already got your shoes on.’