“I’m so sorry. Please tell me you forgive me. I can’t take it if I lost you.” His lips brushed her temple. “I need you more than anything, Lila.” He pushed her away from him slightly, so he could peer into her face. “Please, say something.”
Lila lifted her hand to trace the line of his jaw with her fingertips. He looked worn, thin, his cheeks hollow, even as his biceps swelled against the sleeves of his t-shirt. His weight gain made him look haggard, if that were possible, and not healthy like one would expect.
“I love you,” she answered, brushing hair from his face. “I always have. I always will.”
His smile was breathtaking. Tyler pulled her to him in a crushing hug that stole her breath. “I love you too,” he whispered against her ear as he lifted her up. “I don’t deserve you, but I love you more than anything.” There was a hitch in his breathing. “I’m so sorry. And I’m so scared I’m going to lose you. That I’m going to lose everything.”
Lila closed her eyes, locking her arms around Tyler’s neck. She had hoped that the churning hole in her middle would be settled after she’d worked things out with him, but now it felt even worse. She turned her thoughts to the man who held her in his arms. He was who she wanted. And he’d promised it would never happen again.
She wanted to believe it.
Ms. Feinberg came into her office, holding a set of file folders. “Sorry, but I had to run and pick these up.” She settled herself in her chair, placing the files in a cabinet. “So, how was your holiday break?”
Lila couldn’t help the smile that crossed her face. Her break had been decent, but it had ended with a bang. It felt like a private joke. “It was good.” She was surprised she managed to say that with a mostly straight face.
Her therapist nodded. “Did anything happen while you were at home?”
Lila hedged. If she was serious about this therapy and working to deal with the fallout of her breakup, she should tell her. But she wanted to hang on to her happiness, unspoiled by Tyler, for a little bit longer. But if she wasn’t honest, then what was the point? She might as well just sit in the corner of her room and rock back and forth eating her hair than come to these sessions.
“Tyler came by.” Lila didn’t look at Ms. Feinberg, hoping she wouldn’t press the issue.
The counselor’s face had gone still. “What did he want?”
“He said it was just to talk.” Lila fidgeted. “He, uh, wouldn’t take no for answer.”
“Did he hurt you in any way? Threaten you?”
Lila shook her head, unwilling to admit how frightened she’d been. “My brother came out before anything could happen.”
Ms. Feinberg clasped her hands together on top of the desk. She seemed to be collecting her thoughts. Then she got up and went to her bookcase. She found what she was looking for after a few moments, then returned to her seat. She passed the book over to Lila. “I want you to read that. I think it might be useful to your situation.” She paused, then said, “I think you need to reevaluate your decision not to report his behavior to the authorities.”
Lila looked down at the book she held in her hands. Its title leapt off the page.
The Gift of Fear.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Lila took the small stage late in Full Dangle’s set. Van sat and watched, cheering in encouragement along with Gretchen and Shonda. He grinned at G-Love, happy that she seemed to be in a good place with her girlfriend. She’d confided in him about how hard things had been between them this year. He suspected it was Gretchen’s mother hen complex that was causing some of the friction between the two, but he just listened to G’s rants and nodded and smiled a lot. He’d learned not to offer suggestions unless specifically asked.
Staring at Lila up on the stage, he realized how small she looked. It did something to him, twisted something inside him that he didn’t know was there. The need to protect her was overwhelming, catching him off guard. Van hadn’t expected such a powerful feeling to hit him just from looking at her. He watched as she picked up the mic and gestured for Greg and Jason to begin.
They were playing a song that Van wasn’t familiar with. He sat silent, soaking in the unfamiliar notes, startled when Lila began to sing. Her voice was rich and strong, reminding him of dark roast coffee. She sang with her eyes closed, as if there were nothing and no one there but the music. Her booted foot tapped out a beat on the wooden floor.
The words washed over him and he nodded his head, smiling at her. She was singing about a place in the sun and the prince of darkness and the guitars were bolstering her voice, weaving in and around it. They sounded tight, for all that they’d only been practicing for about a month. He glanced over at Gretchen and Shonda, who had curled up together on the sofa. G had a huge smile on her face as she watched Lila sing. Shonda listened with her eyes closed, her head thrown back against the arm of the couch. She could have been asleep except for her foot marking time with the music.
Ryan plopped into the empty chair beside Van. He raised his eyebrows, slanting an appraising look at Van. “Girl can sing,” he observed.
“Sure can,” Van agreed. He didn’t take his eyes from Lila.
“Hey G-Love,” Ryan greeted. Van heard her low welcome before Ryan left to snag a cup of coffee.
Van was glad for the break. He wanted to listen to Lila, not snark on stuff with Ryan. But if he said anything about it, Ryan was liable to bring up the stupid bet that only he was engaged in, and that would piss Van off. He wished his friend could just let things slide, especially when it came to girls, but Ryan liked to brag and cause trouble.
The song ended. Van stood up from his chair, clapping wildly. “Yeah! Go Lila!” he shouted, satisfied when he heard Gretchen and Shonda doing the same thing. He saw a flush turn Lila’s cheeks the most delicious shade of pink before she took a quick bow. After having a quick word with her bandmates, she came down from the stage and made a beeline for her roommate and Van.
“That was awesome!” Gretchen enthused. Shonda nodded in agreement. “You were amazing. I never could have done something like that!”
“Thanks,” Lila answered, ducking her head a little, suddenly shy.
“Yeah, and that would have nothing to do with the fact that when you sing you sound like a flock of Canadian geese with a sinus infection,” Shonda teased.
“I take great offense at your mockery of my vocal abilities,” Gretchen said with great dignity. “You just do not appreciate my art.”
“Clearly.” Shonda snorted.
“Nice lungs,” Ryan said, leering at Lila’s chest.
The women of their group rolled their eyes in unison. “Could you be more of pig?” Gretchen scoffed.
“I can try.” He grinned. “Seriously though, Lila—good job.”
Van pulled Lila into a hug. “That was pretty impressive,” he whispered in her ear. “We should celebrate.”
Her lip curved up in a slow smile. It did things to the lower half of his body. “Oh, do you have something in mind?”
“A few things,” he admitted. He let her go reluctantly, but he didn’t want it to look weird. No one knew about their hook-up and he wanted to keep it that way.
“Let me finish up and then I’ll come get you,” she said, too low for anyone else to hear.
She said her goodbyes to the group and went back to her work behind the counter. Gretchen and Shonda began to gather up their things, but Ryan just stood staring at Van. He leaned in close, asking, “What the hell was that all about?”
Van narrowed his eyes at Ryan. He shook his head, but Ryan was having none of it. Finally, Van relented. “Outside,” he said.
When they were standing in front of the wood and glass doors of the café, Van folded his arms and looked at Ryan. “Okay, what? Instead of trying to mind meld with me by the power of your eyebrows, how’s about you just spit it out?”
Ryan looked at him, then shook his head. “What is wrong with you, man?”
“What do you mean?” Van kne
w his gaze had turned hostile, but he didn’t know why. He just didn’t like Ryan’s look or his tone of voice when it came to Lila.
Ryan frowned. “Jesus, what is your damn problem, man? You’ve been dodging me for a week now. What’s going on with you? Did something happen when you were home?”
Van slumped back against the brick wall of the café. “It wasn’t good.”
“What happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Van saw the concern in his friend’s eyes, so he relented a bit. “My mom spent most of it in a self-medicated haze. I had KFC for Thanksgiving dinner.”
“Man, why didn’t you call me? You could have come to my house for Thanksgiving.” Ryan dropped a hand on Van’s shoulder.
He shook his head, feeling like a vise was squeezing the muscles in his neck. “I know. It wasn’t about that.” Van hadn’t actually minded the KFC much. Last Thanksgiving his mom had forgotten to defrost the turkey and had nearly set the stove on fire. It had not been a banner year for holidays.
He guessed he could have gone to his father’s place. And monkeys might erupt from his ass and paint a Picasso.
“What’s going on with her?” Ryan eyes skated over to the door of the café.
“What do you mean? Who her?” Van tried to act like he didn’t know what Ryan was talking about.
“Lila, man, that’s who.” Ryan narrowed his eyes, inspecting Van from head to foot. “Did you sleep with her?”
Van wouldn’t look at his friend. He wasn’t sure what the deal was with him and Lila; all he knew is that he wanted to keep seeing her, with or without the sex. Although he’d definitely prefer with. But he didn’t want to explain it to Ryan, especially after all that bullshit with the bet.
“Hey, what’s with you?” Ryan’s voice wasn’t accusatory, just concerned. “You did, didn’t you?”
Van didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to talk about how he felt about Lila. Hell, he didn’t even want to think about how he felt about her.
“Well?” His friend prodded him with a fist. “How was she?”
“We’re done here,” Van said coldly, moving out from under Ryan’s hand on his shoulder.
“Okay okay! Sorry.” He looked at Van closely. “You like her, don’t you?”
“I said I don’t want to talk about it,” he said, pushing away from the wall. “And don’t say a word about your bet! I didn’t sleep with her to win a damn bet! There was no bet!”
“Forget about the bet stuff,” Ryan said, backing up from Van. Then he looked over his friend’s shoulder.
Ryan stared at him, or rather directly past him. Lila stood behind them, flanked by Gretchen and Shonda. Van cleared his throat, completely at a loss for what to say. The urge to punch the shit out of Ryan returned tenfold.
“I was a bet?” Lila’s voice cracked on the last word. The street was remarkably still.
Van turned. He didn’t want to see her face, to read the expression there, but he wasn’t going to puss out now. It was out there. He would have to deal with it. Mentally though he berated himself. This is why he didn’t date, didn’t do complications. They were a pain in the ass and they made you feel like shit.
Lila’s face was closed, like a book, giving away nothing of what was going through her head. Her hazel eyes regarded him with a distance that hadn’t been there ten minutes ago when she’d been singing. Even though a few feet of pavement separated them, Van felt like it was a canyon he couldn’t cross over.
He shifted his gaze to Gretchen. The look of disappointment on her face hurt him worse than the blank expression on Lila’s. “No, not to me.”
“But there was one.” Her cadence was flat, dull. Her eyes were like mirrors, reflecting everything back at him and giving away nothing of herself.
“On Ryan’s side, yeah.” He forced himself to meet that absent gaze.
“What was it, exactly?” Gretchen pulled at Lila’s arm, but the brunette was having none of it. “The bet? What was it?”
Ryan spoke. “To see if he could bag you before Christmas.” He actually looked a little ashamed when he met the hard stares of the three women.
“I see.” Lila’s nostrils flared, but that was the only indication that she was feeling anything. She opened her mouth to say something else, then closed it again. She looked lost for a moment, then the mask of blankness snapped back into place. “I’m going back to the apartment.” She turned on her heel and walked away.
Van took off after her. “Lila, wait!” he shouted. She increased her pace. “Damn it,” he swore, breaking into a jog so he could get in front of her.
She tried to veer around him, but he wouldn’t let her. “Listen to me,” he began, only to be cut off.
“No,” Lila snapped, interrupting him. “You listen to me. I’m not a game or a toy. I’m a person, not some thing for you and your buddy to bet on. And I don’t want to talk to you right now!”
“If you’d just let me explain…” He tried to put a hand on her arm.
Lila jerked away, her face twisting with rage. “What part of what I want did you not understand? I don’t give a shit what you want right now. You don’t get to decide that what you want is more important than what I do. Got that?”
Van stared at her, shocked. She brushed past him, moving fast, and he let her go. He watched her back retreat down the street as she practically ran away from him. He lowered his eyes to the pavement, feeling a sick swirl begin in his stomach. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration, wanting to give vent to the emotions climbing up his throat and choking his guts.
Gretchen stepped up beside him, her gaze merciless. She held Shonda’s hand in hers. “Could you two be bigger dickheads?” She sent a scathing glance Ryan’s way, then swept past with Shonda in tow.
Van glared at Ryan who looked a little lost himself. Van didn’t care. When Ryan opened his mouth to say whatever dumbass excuse he’d come up with in the last thirty seconds, Van shook his head. He was done. Then he tucked his hands in his pockets and made his way back to his apartment.
Chapter Thirty
Lila strummed her guitar absently, waiting for Greg and Jason in the practice room. It was going to be their last practice before winter break. She was glad for the quiet of the rehearsal space after the chaos that was pre-exam time on campus. Everywhere the stress level was through the roof. Even Gretchen was freaking out about her Spanish final, studying and muttering at all hours.
She looked up when she heard footsteps down the hall that led to all of the practice rooms. Greg came in, his face flushed, the points of his cheeks rubbed red by the December wind. His blond hair floated free from the confines of his ponytail, circling his head in a nimbus of flyaway strands. His smile when he saw her was blinding.
“Hi,” Lila said.
“Hey,” he answered, dropping his backpack and books with a crash. He was more careful with his guitar. “Have you been waiting long?”
“Just a few minutes.” She glanced around the room. “It’s so peaceful in here.”
“Yeah.” He pulled out his phone and checked his texts. With a frown, he met her gaze. “And likely to stay that way. Jason can’t make it.”
“Anything wrong?”
Greg shook his head, then managed a smile. “I think he’s just stressed over his composition piece. He wanted some extra time with it.” His blue eyes met hers and Lila felt something like an electric current cut through her. “Looks like it’s just the two of us.”
Setting aside her guitar, Lila stood and walked over to him. “Just the two of us, huh?”
He leaned back to stare at her, his mouth quirked up. “Yeah, seems that way.”
“I should probably go then. I have studying to do.” Lila watched him, loving the way his hair fell into his eyes as he looked at her.
“Or,” Greg offered, reaching for her hand. His was warm and calloused. It swallowed her much smaller one. “We could study here. We’ve already got the room.”
“Together?�
��
“Well, I guess we could invite more people but that might make it a little crowded.” His dimple winked in and out of existence as he grinned at her.
She pulled her hand away from his in fake offense. “And you really think you’re going to be able to keep your mind on your studying?”
He raised three fingers. “Scouts honor.”
***
Lila brushed hair from the back of her neck, feeling Greg’s eyes on her. She looked up from her notes to find him staring at her. “What? I thought you were supposed to be studying? Scouts honor and all that.”
Greg was sprawled out on the floor directly in front of her, his eyes locked on her face. “Well, I probably should have mentioned that I was never actually a Boy Scout. And I am studying. My favorite subject, really.”
“Oh? And what’s that?”
“You.”
Oh. Oh. “That’s not stalkerrific at all,” Lila answered, tucking her notebook against her chest as she cocked her head.
“What? I like looking at you”
Lila felt shy all of a sudden and she couldn’t say why. Maybe it was because Greg was so open with her. He just said whatever was on his mind without trying to hide it or twist it. He was who he was and that was it. She found it attractive and unnerving all at the same time. He didn’t put on masks, pretending to be one thing when he was really something else.
It was one of the things she liked most about him.
But it frightened her too. Because how could he like her? How could he want to look at her? It made her self-conscious, and more than a little afraid. What if he found out about her history with Tyler? What would he think of her then? She really liked Greg, and enjoyed spending time with him. She didn’t want her past to ruin it.
She heard him getting to his feet, and then his finger was lifting her chin. She opened her eyes to stare into his face. He looked concerned. “Hey,” Greg said, his voice sweet and low. “Did I say something wrong?”
Lila took his hand in hers, removing his fingers from her jaw. “No,” she replied, then paused. “I think I just don’t understand how you can manage to say all the right things.”
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