“I didn’t tell the coach on you,” she said, wondering why she was reassuring him. It would serve him right if he did get in trouble for the way he’d treated her. “I don’t want to have anything to do with you.”
“Please, can’t we just talk? I need you—I realize that now. You were the only one I was ever any good with.”
Lila shuddered. If that’s what he called being good with, she didn’t want to witness what he was terrible at. “I don’t have anything to say to you. Not anymore.”
His voice rose. “It’s that guy—that friend of yours and Gretchen’s, right?“
“What?” Lila shook her head, as if that would help her understand her ex-boyfriend’s thought processes. “What are you talking about?”
“I bet you’re loving this, aren’t you?” His words came faster now, and Lila could practically feel the phone vibrate with his anger. “I bet you and that asswipe planned the whole thing to get back at me. Call the coach, let it slip what happened between us. That’s bullshit, Lila.”
“I didn’t do anything. And whoever you think I’m with, I’m not.” She bit her lip. The words from Ms. Feinberg’s pamphlets echoed in her head. Tyler was not stable and there was no telling when he would be again. She couldn’t stay on the phone with him, that much she knew. “Don’t call me anymore.” Lila paused. “I’m serious Tyler. Do it and I’ll call the cops.”
“Lila— “
“Don’t call me.” She hung up on him. With a shuddering breath, she dropped the phone back in her pocket, and continued across the quad.
***
Lila dropped tiredly into the seat next to Gretchen. They’d decided to meet at The Burger Joint for a celebratory meal of sorts. She’d already snagged them a table. The restaurant was full of students in various stages of exam panic or relief. Lila was happy to see that G had already ordered loaded cheese fries and a Coke for her.
“Ugh,” she said, snatching a fry from the mound in front of her roommate. “I am so glad to be done with this semester.”
The blonde took a sip of her Coke and nodded. “Agreed.” Gretchen rubbed her temples. “One last exam and I’m done.”
“Worried?” Lila knew Gretchen was paranoid about her grades. As if she would ever fall off the Dean’s List. Lila thought it deeply unfair that her friend was lovely and smart. She should at least have ugly feet or irritable bowels to make up for it.
“Nah. I studied with…” she caught the word she was about to say and quickly amended, “a friend.”
“You can say his name,” Lila told her. “I’m not asking you to not be friends with him. And I’m still his friend. Probably. I guess.”
“Really?” Gretchen eyed her strangely.
“Sure,” Lila said, feeling buoyant now that she could relax. “Give me a few weeks.” She changed the subject, wanting to talk of happier things. “So, you going to get to see Shonda any over break?”
Gretchen popped a fry into her mouth. “Yep. My parents are going to visit extended family before Christmas, so I’ll head over to see her while they’re gone.”
Lila touched the back of Gretchen’s hand with her index finger. “Hey. Thanks for everything.”
Her roommate paused with her glass halfway to her lips. “What exactly did I do? Besides be awesome, which is a gift to the entire world.”
“For being my friend. For caring. For not being afraid to tell me to talk to someone.” Lila met her eyes, feeling like she wanted to hug Gretchen and never let her go. “For not giving up on me.”
Gretchen stared at her, worry in her blue eyes. “Did something happen?”
Lila shook her head. “No, nothing like that. I just wanted you to know—how much you mean to me. You’re my best friend.”
Smiling, Gretchen raised her glass. “Toast on it?”
Lila raised her glass. “Hell yeah. That’s something I’ll happily drink to.” She cleared her throat. “To my impossible best friend, Gretchen, the pushiest person I know. I love you endlessly and forever. Never change.”
“That sounds more like a curse than a toast,” Gretchen said, but took a drink anyway. “I’ll take it.” She put her glass back down, then looked closer at Lila. “You seem, I don’t know…different.”
Lila smiled hugely. “I woke up.”
Epilogue
Van sat in the back of the room, at a shadowed table not easily visible from the stage. He could watch Lila perform with her band without her knowing he was there. He felt a little like a creeper watching her like this, but he needed to see her. And since she was pretty clearly beyond pissed at him, this was the best way he could think of.
He had no idea why he needed to see her. Why was he torturing himself? He’d messed up. Usually, Van would just go on his merry way and find a girl that required less work and forget about his troubles. But he didn’t want to this time. He didn’t want to forget Lila. If anything, he wanted to know more about her.
He didn’t understand how this had happened. Why now? Why had he fallen for a girl who had massive trust issues, a chip on her shoulder, and so much baggage she should hire a goddamn Sherpa to help her carry it? He wanted uncomplicated. Instead, he’d gotten this.
Karma was having a good laugh at his expense.
Lila swallowed nervously as she stood in front of the microphone. He knew her well enough now that he could recognize the little cues of her body. She was nervous. She pushed her thick curling hair from her shoulders and Van clenched his fingers into his thigh at the surge of wanting that hit him like a kick to the gut. Some part of him knew he should just go. That he wasn’t helping himself sitting here, watching her. But he couldn’t bring himself to leave. He wasn’t willing to call it quits yet.
Greg gave her an encouraging smile and a wink. Anger boiled through Van when Lila gifted him with a smile of unadulterated sweetness. He wanted her to look at him that way. If Ryan hadn’t opened his big goddamned mouth, Lila might be looking at him that way right now. Van ran a hand through his hair, feeling the frustration tighten like a noose around his neck.
What a mess. Here he sat, pining for the girl that he’d originally thought was too much trouble. He’d slept with her—that should have been enough for him, but now he found himself wanting more. A lot more. He hadn’t felt this way about a girl in..well…ever. And it was all completely messed up.
He’d done that. No one but him was responsible.
Van could blame Ryan and that stupid bet all he wanted to, but it wouldn’t be true. He’d been so convinced that he didn’t want anything serious that he’d managed to blind himself to the fact that he’d found something he wanted more than his usual uncomplicated hookups. He’d fallen for a girl right under his nose and managed to talk himself out of it. He was the king of self-fucking-sabotage. He should get some kind of medal for the ability to make sure he wound up miserable.
Lila’s voice pulled him out of his dark thoughts. It was their cover of Patience. He looked up, the sound of her song mesmerizing him. He stared at her, memorizing the way she swayed with the music, the way her eyes slid closed when she hit the chorus, like she was kissing the music that swirled around her. Van remembered the feel of her lips on his, the way her eyelashes fluttered against her flushed cheeks when she closed her eyes. He ran a hand over his mouth, feeling his dick grow hard against his leg.
Jesus, he wasn’t even touching her and she was making him pop a boner. At just the thought of her.
He was so completely fucked.
The words of the song permeated his misery and Van perked up. He paid attention, not to her voice, but to what the song said. In a way, it was like she was singing this song directly to him. He needed patience. He’d screwed up, sure, but he could make it right. Lila deserved him to make it right. He would just take his time, rebuild the trust that he’d squandered. Van found himself nodding, as though he were agreeing with the words of the song.
It came as a shock when the song ended and the crowd applauded. Lila took a seat and Greg a
nd Jay took center stage. They launched into a pared down Mumford and Sons tune, then into a Nirvana song. All the while, Greg kept flashing looks at Lila.
Van gritted his teeth when he saw Lila smiling back. He got up quickly, not caring if he missed the rest of the show. He didn’t want to think that he’d missed his chance with Lila, that she had found someone else, someone better. He hit the door, relieved when the cold air hit his suddenly overheated skin. The thought of giving up weighed in his stomach like an anchor, the bitter taste of bile rising in the back of his throat.
He began to walk, working out what to do as he went. He could throw in the towel, move on. The thought of that didn’t sit well. He’d disappointed her—worse, he’d disappointed himself. He could do better. He just had to show her he was worth another chance. Greg being in the picture might make that harder, but it wasn’t impossible.
Van felt a small smile tug at the corners of his mouth. He would show Lila that he was serious about her. If she were with Greg, then he’d just have to work that much harder. He’d win her back and show her that he could be a better guy, the kind of guy she deserved.
He liked a challenge.
Acknowledgements
This book was shepherded into being by a team of folks, all of whom deserve oodles of thanks. To ‘Rica—thank you for your inimitable expertise, advice, and time. Your decades’ worth of experience working with the victims of domestic violence was truly invaluable. Thanks for serving as a beta reader and subject matter expert on what—at times—is a very painful topic.
A huge thank you to all the incredible people at Interact for being open and available to answer my questions.
Thanks to all the women I spoke with—friends and strangers both—for telling me their stories and sharing with me their experiences. I will carry your stories with me for as long as I live.
To those people working in the various domestic violence fields: thank you for all of your hard work, for continuing to strive toward raising awareness and saving lives.
And to the readers of this book, thank you for reading.
About the Author
Jeanette Battista graduated with an English degree with a concentration in medieval literature which explains her possibly unhealthy fixation on edged weapons and cathedral architecture. She spent a summer in England and Scotland studying the historical King Arthur, which did nothing to curb her obsession. She goes back for visits whenever she gets the opportunity. She still reads anything related to the Middle Ages, King Arthur, the Crusades, and the Inquisition whenever it comes across her desk. She watches the Lion in Winter every Christmas Eve because it makes her feel better about her own extended family–at least nobody draws a sword at the dinner table.
When she’s not writing, Jeanette spends time with family, hikes, reads, makes decadent brownies, buys killer boots, and plays very violent video games. She wishes there were more hours in the day so she could actually do more of these things. She lives with her daughter and their two psychotic cats in North Carolina.
You can follow her on Twitter @Battista_j or on Tumblr at jeanettebattista.tumblr.com.
Other Works by Jeanette Battista
The Demon’s Gate Series
A Young Adult Fantasy Series
The Iron Bells (#1)
The Stone Golem (#2)
The Demon’s Gate (#3)
The Moon Series
A Young Adult Paranormal Series
Leopard Moon (#1)
Jackal Moon (#2)
Hyena Moon (#3)
Hunter Moon (#4)
"The Moon series is filled with action and romance, shape shifters and strong heroines."
—Melissa Marr, NTY bestselling author of Wicked Lovely
Long Black Veil
A Young Adult Paranormal Novel
Winner of the Bronze IPPY for Best ebook
Winner of the IndieReader Award for Best YA
“The story is both well-written and thought-provoking, with the delicious eerie touch of a ghost story deftly blended with the tenderness of a young adult romance.”
—IndieReader
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