White Oblivion

by Amirah Bellamy

  Nonetheless, I maintained my intentions on focusing my energy on figuring out my dilemma. I had to redirect my focus away from what I didn’t have and direct it onto what I did have. I also had to focus on learning more about what was happening.

  As I stepped into the shower I nearly cringed after seeing the pale, white leg. I needed some serious sun! My skin looked like death. After getting into the shower I looked down at my breast. I’d never seen nipples so pink. My skin texture even felt different. It was a lot smoother and being in the shower gave it even more of a slip.

  I closed my eyes and immersed my face into the water stream. I wished that I could wash it all away. I wished that when I opened my eyes I would once again be my true self. Then I had a thought. Perhaps this was my true self. Was I living a dream all along? Was I finally waking up from a dream? I pondered those thoughts for a few minutes as I lost myself in the stream of the water flowing down my pale, white skin and stringy hair. Just then Doran came into the bathroom.

  “Wow! Glad to see you moving around a little,” he said clearly struggling to sound cheery. He looked exhausted. It was clear that he hadn’t been getting much sleep. He was no doubt up worrying about me.

  “Yeah, I can’t sulk forever. Besides that I have to figure this thing out so I decided to start by getting cleaned up. I have lots of work to do. Is Ina awake yet?” I queried.

  “Yeah, she and I were downstairs eating a bowl of cereal. I told her that I had something to discuss with her. I figured that I needed to give her a heads up on what was going on with you so that she wouldn’t be in too much shock when she saw you. Besides that she;s been asking about you and getting really worried. So whenever you’re ready she’s ready to see you. Feel free to take your time though baby because I know that this is very difficult for you. We just have to take it all in stride,” Doran said talking to me from the other side of the shower curtain.

  “Ok thanks for doing that and taking care of things the past few days. I owe you! Soooo I guess I’ll go see her when I get dressed. I have to face the world sooner or later, but what are we gonna to tell everyone else? Have you figured that out yet?” I asked Doran hoping that he had some good suggestions.

  “No I haven’t quite figured that out yet, but I do think that for now we should just keep this within the family. As for the studio you can come up with a fake name and say that you’re a fill-in instructor until you, well the real you, gets back. What do you think abou that?” Doran asked.

  “I think that’s a perfect solution. That’ll give us some time to figure this all out. Thanks for that,” I said graciously.

  I was so glad that Doran was taking on so much of the weight of this issue for me because I had truly fallen apart and was only beginning to pick up the pieces. I had not clue as to what I was going to do about this long term. I did, however, wonder how this would affect my marriage. Would Doran want to be seen with me in public now? I decided to just ask him. We always had a very honest, open relationship.

  “So babe how are you going to feel about being seen out in public with me now? I mean in the conscious community and even among your own friends its sure to raise more than a few eyebrows. How are you going to deal with that?” I asked as I stepped out of the shower seeing Doran sitting on the top toilet seat lid deep in thought.

  Looking at me a little startled he answered, “Baby we will take it all in stride. I’ll be fine. I know that you’re still you. I think the difficult part will be getting used to the stares. I’ll just have to prepare for that emotionally as will you. The question is are you ready for that? I’ll have to be since this is our reality now. I’ve never dated a white girl before so this should be interesting. At least I got me a cool white girl though,” Doran said jokingly trying to lighten the mood.

  “Babe, I’m not a white girl. Please don’t call me that,” I fussed.

  “Yeah well I’m looking at you right now and you sure look like a white girl to me. Damn baby what happened to your ass? Oh no, not my creamy thighs! They’re gone too! Now THAT might be a problem,” Doran said joking.

  “Come on babe I feel bad enough,” I pouted.

  “I know, but you know what they say about once you go black,” Doran said laughing. “I can definitely see why they say that now. Ya’ll white girls just don’t cut it for me, but its okay baby cause I still remember when. I still even have my pictures of when. Good thing I documented it before this happened. I’ll just visualize when I look at you. If I keep doing that that’s what I’ll see,” Doran said.

  “Really babe, really!” I snapped.

  “Well I see that your black girl attitude is still the same,” Doran said laughing.

  “That’s okay, keep it up and you really will be having to remember when with those pictures of yours,” I said.

  Doran was a photographer and one of the best. He shot everyone from celebrities to well-known politicians. He had accumulated several dozens of photo shoots of me over the years. So he figured that if all else failed he could always look at them to remember what I looked like. I was already missing my old body terribly and thought I would need to see some of those pictures myself.

  Doran jumped into the shower after I got out so I went to get dressed. After getting dressed I came back into the bathroom to figure out what to do with my new hair. I couldn’t bear the sight of the lifeless look of it so I just put it up into a bun. I could see that the hair thing was really going to be quite an adjustment for me.

  6

  Once Doran got out of the shower and got dressed he and I headed downstairs to present the imposter me to Ina. She was sitting in the living room on the loveseat reading a book. She was an avid reader and spent more time reading than most kids spent playing video games. It was one of the many things that I absolutely loved about her. Both she and Doran loved reading. It was actually how the two of them bonded initially. They would sit on the couch together both deeply engrossed in their book of choice sitting as quiet as church mice.

  Doran decided to dive right in without delay and greeted Ina as I trailed closely behind him. “Good afternoon again Ina! Here she is! Presenting your new mom!” he said flagging his hand in front of me like he was Bob Barker on the Price Is Right and Ina was getting a new car.

  “Oh wow! Is this real?” Ina gasped in utter shock.

  “Yeah it’s real. Touch her. She’s real alright,” Doran said.

  Frozen and apparently glued to her seat Ina said, “Wow mom is that really you in there? How did this happen? I had no idea this was possible. Are you going to get your old self back? How will you explain this to everyone? How do I explain it to my friends? How will you teach classes at the studio?”

  Ina was full of questions and she bombarded me with each and every one of them.

  “I know Ina this is quite a shock to us all. For now we’re just gonna keep this to ourselves so no will be telling anyone outside of here. I’ll tell J myself so he won’t be startled when he comes home,” I explained.

  “Can I touch it mom?” Ina asked.

  “Sure,” I said as Ina slowly made her way towards me as if she was approaching a haunted house on Halloween.

  She inched toward me standing just inches away and touched my hand, then moved her hand up my arm and lastly touched my hair.

  “Oh my god mom this isn’t real. Are you gonna be like this forever? Will you ever come back to us? I can’t imagine having a white mom,” Ina said.

  “Ina I’m still me and you don’t have a white mom. I hope that you can see that,” I said.

  “Yes Ina you’ll see soon enough that in every other way she’s still very much your mom. Just say something to tick her off and you’ll quickly find out,” Doran chimed in.

  “Alright now I told you about that babe. Don’t start it,” I snapped.

  “See, I told you,” Doran said laughing.

  “I’m glad you find this so amusing. Just wait until you wake up as a white man in the morning. We’ll see how funny it is then,” I
said.

  “Well when I do I’ll just make the best of it and get all the things that I was denied as a black man. Shoot, I’ll probably get paid 3 times as much! Maybe that won’t be half bad. So how do I make that happen baby? Give it to me step by step,” Doran joked.

  “Dad this is serious. How can you joke at a time like this? How are we gonna get mom back?” Ina said looking very concerned.

  “He’s just trying to lighten the mood a bit Ina. This is difficult for all of us, but we’re working on fixing it,” I said assuringly giving her a hug.

  “I’m really worried about you mom. This is really serious,” Ina said sounding 10 years older than she was.

  We all headed over to the couch to discuss things further. We had a huge oversized brown couch where I sat between Ina and Doran. Ina sat still staring at me in shock. She looked at me like I was a science project gone wrong. Meanwhile, Doran tried not to stare, but he couldn’t hide it very well because it was written all over his face. I started to feel like a contagious disease.

  “Baby I can see that we’re making you feel uncomfortable and we really don’t mean to. It’s just going to take some getting used to seeing you in this body. We know you’re still you and we still love you,” Doran said apparently sensing my discomfort.

  “I know babe. It’s just hard seeing my family look at me like I’m an alien,” I said.

  “So let’s discuss this. We have no idea how or why this happened. We don’t know how long it will last. In the meantime we each have to continue living our lives. So where do we go from here?” Doran asked Ina and I.

  “I guess we continue to live as we always have while we try to make sense of it all and look for a solution,” I said.

  “Yeah dad I guess you’re right, but mom I’m sorry this happened to you. I wish I could fix it for you,” Ina said.

  “I wish you could too baby. I know this is difficult for you too. Imagine how I felt when I first looked in the mirror and how I still feel everytime I look in the mirror and see this face,” I said.

  “So babe I do have one question for you. Can you still dance?” Doran said laughing.

  “What!?! No you didn’t! Of course I can!” I snapped.

  “Ha ha! I told you she was still black!” Doran roared.

  “Are you sure mom? Cause if you can’t how are you going to teach your classes where you need rhythm?” Ina asked.

  “Ina, don’t you start too! I told ya’ll I’m still black! Put on some music and I’ll prove it! Ya’ll are gonna find out!” I said.

  “Alright, let’s find out,” Doran said reaching for his phone to find us some tunes. He scrolled through his playlist and put on some Nas.

  At first I nodded my head to the beat, then I slowly got up and started to dance. As soon as I started dancing Doran and Ina roared with laughter.

  “What is so funny!” I asked as I stopped dancing.

  “Sorry mom, but we’re just not used to seeing you dance as a white woman. You can really dance too,” Ina said trying to placate me.

  “Yeah baby we’re not laughing to make fun of you. We’re laughing with you. We’re having fun with you baby,” Doran added.

  “Ok if you say so, but ya’ll gotta stop laughing at me though every time I do something “black” so to speak,” I said.

  I was glad to have them both to go through this with me. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have them and their bringing humor to such a traumatic situation was exactly what I needed. They really did lessen the sting of it all for me.

  “So babe let’s go out,” Doran said.

  “What?” I said looking over at him shocked by his question.

  “Yeah, let’s go out. You’re gonna have to go out soon enough so we may as well do it now. You’ve got to get used to this body. In fact, we all do. So let’s do it. Let’s all go out right now,” Doran persisted.

  I sat on the couch pondering his proposition.

  “Mom, Dad is right. Let’s go out. We all have to get used to your new body,” Ina chimed in.

  Ina chiming in really pulled at my heart strings so I stood up and said, “Ok let’s go.”

  “Yaaay!” Ina screeched.

  Doran reached over and hugged me.

  “I’m so glad that you’re willing to take this step baby. You’re really being brave through all of this. I’m so proud of you,” Doran said smiling at me.

  7

  Since we were all hungry we decided to go to a restaurant and grab a bite to eat. We went to a mutual favorite, a little Thai restaurant in Capitol Hill on Pennsylvania Avenue near my studio. The restaurant was so tiny that it was hardly noticeable and was never crowded, but the food was absolutely delicious. We figured it would be a good way to ease into things since there likely wouldn’t be very many people dining there at that time.

  Getting there was uneventful, though we hadn’t travelled very far to get there. We lived just about 15 minutes away in a newly renovated row house off of 13th and Irving Streets N.W. D.C..

  Our renovated home was a dream. We bought the house dirt cheap as it was in shambles when we bought it. Then, we basically gutted it and Doran and some friends of his did all of the renovations.

  There were cherry hardwood floors throughout. We were actually able to keep much of the original hardwood floors, which was a plus.

  There were 2 levels and a full basement, which we made into a basement apartment for J. The basement apartment was complete with 1 master suite bedroom, which had a full bath. There was also a half bath off of the living room area. There was a beautiful eat-in kitchen which I had the time of my life designing. We put a lot into designing it figuring that when J moved out permanently we could rent it out. Basement apartment rentals went for a nice amount in DC.

  On the first floor toward the back side of the house Doran put in a beautiful gourmet chef’s kitchen for me. There was also a half bath just off of the kitchen leading up toward the living room. The living room was done in the style of a great room so the kitchen fed right into it. We weren’t the formal type so I requested it be designed that way as I didn’t see a need for a formal living room.

  Then on the second floor were 3 bedrooms including our master suite. I designed Ina’s room with all the girly bells and whistles. So it was designed with all things pinkalicious. She loved it. She had a beautiful full-sized canopy bed, a computer desk, a 40-inch wall mounted flat screen tv, a 3-story black barbie house, a toy box filled every little girl’s dream toys and a huge bookshelf filled to capacity.

  Next to Ina’s room was the yoga/meditation room. It was our sacred space where we had an altar set up. My crystal collection was also displayed there along with several other sacred items that each of us had contributed.

  Then on the other side of the meditation room was our master suite. I decorated it in a modern zen minimalist design, as was much of our house. I did it that way because I wanted it to be reminiscent of a spa retreat. So imagine heaven in a bedroom and that was our master suite.

  Our king-size bed had a padded leather headboard and the fluffiest, most luxurious bedding that I could find. We had one large marble-top dresser and a huge walk-in closet in which Doran and I split it half. Doran needed just as much space as I did for all of his photography equipment. On each side of the bed were two end tables.

  For me our home was a piece of heaven and under the current set of circumstances I dreaded the thought of leaving that heaven to go out into the world with this white skin.

  As I sat on the edge of our bed putting on my socks my nerves had started to get the best of me. By the time we made it out the front door I was a wreck. Our neighborhood was predominantly black and so I think in large part I feared being judged by them. I really felt for Doran, though he didn’t seem at all concerned with the stares that would undoubtedly come as a result of our newly interracial relationship.

  Nonetheless, Doran suggested that we go ahead and dive into this thing and deal with the challenges of it as they ca
me. Though I agreed with him I wasn’t sure that I was emotionally ready to go through with it. Yet, despite my apprehension I went ahead and did as Doran suggested and dove in.

  Since it was a weekday afternoon parking was tricky. However, we lucked up and Doran got a space right in front of the restaurant. I was relieved because that meant I wouldn’t have to endure what I knew would be a terrifying walk down the street.

  I hopped out of the car and nearly ran Ina and Doran over running into the restaurant. Thankfully it was Fall so I was able to take every precaution in disguising myself, wearing a hat, long sleeves and long pants. So my mad dash into the restaurant was sheer paranoia.

  I don’t know why I was disguising myself because no one else around knew or had ever seen me. I guess it was more about my feeling a sense of shame in my new skin.

  When we went into the restaurant we were seated immediately. The restaurant was fairly empty and besides us there was only one couple there. They were a cute little white elderly couple sitting a couple tables away from where we were seated.

  Though I felt really self conscious of my new skin it seemed that no one else in the restaurant cared because no one even gave us a second look as we headed over to our table.

  I already knew what I wanted to order so I didn’t even need to look over the menu. I wanted the vegetarian red curry. Doran and Ina said they wanted to try something new so they were intently looking over the menu before ordering.

  The waitress, a tiny Thai woman who looked to be middle aged brushed over to our table in what seemed like less than a minute after we were seated.