by Kara Liane
But why?
I swallowed hard and channeled all the bravery I could muster. I’d never had a problem in doing that before. It burned my tongue to ask, but I had to know.
My voice was small and rough, “Why? I just have to know why.”
I continued to look down at the floor, staring at the country pattern on the throw rug. I needed something to focus on so I could keep myself in check. He was quiet. A few minutes must have gone by.
Then he finally spoke. “Let’s just say we’re even,” he replied.
At that, my head came up. I finally looked at his face and into his eyes. Where once I thought his face was beautiful and trusting, with the kindest, most heroic eyes . . . what I saw now belonged to a stranger. Perhaps I never knew him at all.
So why had he spouted all that about being in love and needing me? Told me that I was the calm in the center of his storm?
It was nothing but a bunch of horseshit. He lied to me! He hurt me, and he cheated on me!
And what the hell was that supposed to mean about being even?
I’d never cheated on him and never would. I was dying on the inside. What did it matter at this point to try to argue with him and make him realize how wrong he was, though? I didn’t know if he was referring to Stuart or someone else, but it didn’t matter. None of it mattered. And to think this was the man I thought I was going to marry. This was the man I stupidly gave my whole self to?
I rose to my feet, surprising myself in my ability to get upright. I carefully walked to the closed door. He stood to the side of it with his arms crossed in a stance that showed no mercy. He wanted to do battle, but he had already won. I was defeated, not even a worthy opponent. There was no reason to run up the white flag in this war; there was no need to surrender.
I had lost, and he was the victor.
We weren’t too close together, but we were close enough. And I could swear my brain was registering him sniffing the air as I walked by. Funny, I used to do that to him so I could commit his unique scent to memory. But this wasn’t funny. None of it was. It was heartache and utter devastation.
Good job, world, you managed to find yet another way to fuck me. Not only did you give me a good stab to the heart, but you finished me off with one in the back.
I shakily turned the knob on the door and made my exit. He didn’t try to stop me, and I wouldn’t have let him anyway. The truth was out as to how he really felt about me. I guessed I’d never really know why he did what he did—and that was probably the cruelest part about it all. I don’t know if it was fear of the unknown in our relationship, or if he got spooked, or if he just got drunk. Whatever the reason, the list of possibilities could go on forever.
I managed to make it out to my car and fasten my seatbelt before I fell apart. The tears were streaming down, and a broken sob came out of my mouth. I leaned on the steering wheel for support. I had to cry it all out before I could be in any condition to drive home to my empty apartment. How ironic that at that very moment it started to rain.
Maybe I shouldn’t curse anyone up there, I thought. Maybe they’re tears for me because of what just happened.
Chapter 26: Go Big or Go Home Alone
Brenneth
Well, I did it. I got my revenge on the woman I love. Love, not loved. Fuck, I still love her.
At first, I didn’t know if that whole scenario would even do any damage or hurt her. I didn’t know if she even cared about the scenario that had just played out before her. Until she broke apart in front of me, I couldn’t discern if she was just using me. But it was there in her face and actions; what I set out to do was mission accomplished.
So why didn’t I feel better? Why did hurting her gut me more? For a moment, the fact that I could hurt her made me feel good, but then shouldn’t that have told me something? Why would she even give a fuck if she didn’t love me? I was the worst kind of bastard. I was also incredibly confused. I had to sit down on the couch and gather my thoughts. I sat in the same place Ev had just occupied a few minutes before.
I replayed the scene in my head. Christ, she had doubled over as if she was in pain. Was she really in pain, or was it all an act? Was it a ploy or ruse? I really didn’t think so, now that I examined everything. Did I hurt her so much that I crushed her?
I had just been so mad when I saw her kissing her boss that I couldn’t see past anything. I couldn’t see logic or reason. Maybe there had been another explanation for all this. I was surprised she hadn’t mentioned the broken laptop, but I also really hadn’t given her a chance to mention anything. It had all happened so fast, and I was still trying to figure out what it all meant.
I really didn’t think I could love or live with a cheater, though. For fuck’s sake, she was the woman I wanted to marry and have bear my children. But what kind of a man was I to have just done what I did? What kind of airman did that make me? Worse—what if I did have children one day and had a daughter? Would I want her to be treated by a man the way I had just annihilated Ev? I was gutted by the thought that the only woman I had ever wanted to have that daughter with was the one I had just destroyed.
God, I wanted Ev. I think I’d take her any way I could get her. I needed her. She was my everything. I shouldn’t have assumed the worst until I had all the facts, but yet I jumped the gun and did exactly that before I even gave her a chance to explain what had happened at her office. And I should have stopped it in the first place. Again, I was just so afraid I’d punch Stuart’s lights out and end up in jail.
I was still harboring so much anger and guilt over failing Caylan. I had a lot of pent-up aggression toward men who prey on women.
Oh fuck! Is that what had happened? Did Stuart come on to Ev, and it wasn’t welcome?
Suddenly, I wanted to vomit. I was sick to my stomach thinking I had just made the biggest mistake of my life.
Why didn’t I see these possibilities sooner?
I never would have hurt Ev for anything in the world. I told her I wouldn’t ever hurt her. I lied, and I failed her. Thinking back to her face and tortured eyes only confirmed I had done all of that.
I wanted to wrap her in my arms, hold her, and soothe the hurts I had caused.
I should have known something was wrong when she didn’t want to fight with me. She was lost. She had gone somewhere else. My feisty warrior was shattered. I did that. I was supposed to be the one who put her back together, and she was supposed to heal me too. Instead, I took a sledgehammer to us both.
May God forgive me for my sins!
You know, the biggest bitch of it all is that I didn’t think I could ever put us back together after this.
Isn’t that the cruel ending I deserved? She thinks I cheated on her . . . but I didn’t. It was pure dumb luck that my friend, Lucy, was in the city and at a restaurant with her boyfriend that very afternoon. While they were there, he dumped her. She took to social media to vent about it, and I saw her post. Since she was close by, I invited her over—to “comfort” her. And being the bastard that I was, I used her.
When I got the text from Ev I was hoping to get, it set the dastardly plan in motion. The timing of Lucy’s misfortune—my gain—couldn’t have been more perfect. Not only was I a shit boyfriend, I was a shit friend. I’d have to apologize later to Lucy for what happened. We weren’t in the same squadron or group, but we were in the same wing on base.
When I heard the knock on the door, I made sure Lucy went to the restroom to freshen up and dry her tears; I had been letting her cry on my shoulder. Before I opened the door, I had purposely unbuttoned my shirt. Now that I could see what it looked like from Everly’s perspective, I realized what an absolutely awful person I was to have orchestrated the whole thing. I went to such great lengths to paint a picture of myself as some kind of vengeful beast. Oh, I was a beast all right—and the biggest douchebag to ever have walked the planet.
If I were Ev, I wouldn’t take me back.
I had to find her. I had to talk to her. I had to cle
ar the air and confess what I did. I had to hear her side of things and make sure she was okay.
If Stuart had put his hands on her without her consent, then I needed to know that too. I hadn’t managed to save my sister from trauma, but I’d be damned if I failed Ev as well.
I loved her too much to let her go. I deserved to lose her, and she deserved better than me, but I was a selfish prick. I needed her. I fucking worshipped her. I would get down on my hands and knees if that’s what it took.
I heard the rain hit the windows to the condo.
Well, I wanted a storm, and clearly I brought one on.
October 31, 2017
It had been three fucking days since that disastrous night. Three days of torture and torment. It was Halloween night, and I was sitting camped out in front of the TV in my parents’ living room, just staring at the blank screen. When I wasn’t at work, I had been planted right in the very spot on the couch where it all had gone down. It was like my self-flagellation cell. I needed to atone for my sins, so I held vigil.
My parents were really worried about me, but they tried to not be intrusive. Mom kept trying to spoon-feed me and ensure I was taking care of myself. I was shit for company, and I knew that. Alexi called at Caylan’s insistence, trying to give me some guy pep talk, but I didn’t want to hear it. He said something about knowing how it felt being in my shoes. Blah blah fucking blah. I didn’t think anyone could understand how I felt.
I called and texted Everly constantly. She didn’t pick up or respond—not even once. I went by her place, but she had literally changed the locks. How she got maintenance to do it that fast I didn’t know, but I was threatened with trespassing charges by her neighbor Dawn. Obviously, I agreed to leave.
The final blow to my soul had come earlier that day, when a courier delivered all my stuff. It was sitting on the counter, waiting for me when I got in. I didn’t have much at her apartment, but for all intents and purposes, we had been living together. I had kept most of my things in storage in anticipation of us buying a place and starting our lives together. Fuck!
I laughed a hysterical laugh that sounded awfully like the Joker in Suicide Squad. It was good my parents had left a little bit ago to see Emeline all dressed up as a princess for Halloween. My mom said she’d take lots of pictures to show me later. I was useless and worthless and couldn’t even offer a smile for my most precious, beautiful baby niece. I was a mess. Thankfully, my mom put a bowl of candy outside the entrance so trick-or-treaters could help themselves. I was in no condition to receive visitors or act friendly. My face and mood probably would have given anyone a good fright that night, though!
The next day was the same. I did all the mundane tasks at work and tried to keep myself busy. When I got back to the condo, my parents weren’t there, but one very pissed-off Caylan was. A light vanilla scent was hanging in the air, which was the telltale sign that my baby sister was around. It was usually a comforting scent, but just then I was afraid of being judged by the one person who always had my back. She was sitting on the loveseat with her legs crossed and hands folded in her lap, just waiting to jump me.
“Oh Brenty-boo, you look awful,” she said, calling me by her playful nickname.
Her anger immediately melted away, though, when she got a load of my haggard appearance. Sure, I shaved and wore my uniform properly, but I could only assume my face and eyes showed that I was a dying man. I knew deep down it would only be a matter of time before my mom would sic Caylan on me. I couldn’t blame either one, since they loved me so much. But I couldn’t even function beyond basic tasks.
Caylan rose to her feet, came over, and threw her arms around me. She squeezed me as tightly as she could for such a little thing. I didn’t deserve her love either. She was pure, beautiful, and everything that was right in the world. A sister like her deserved better than bastards like me. I had long ago condemned myself to the pits of hell.
“Where’s Em?” I asked.
Caylan held my face in her hands and looked into my eyes. Her face fell at what she saw. Moisture gathered in her eyes. I knew I looked bad, but I didn’t think it was that bad. I thought I was putting on a good enough front. After all, I had experience with masking my fucked-up shit.
But this time . . . well, this time was different.
“I’ve never seen you so wounded,” she remarked sadly. Then she sighed and went on, “Alexi is with her and Mom and Dad. They wanted to give me time to talk to you. Sometimes I feel like I need to be a big sister instead of a little one. I love you more than life, but sometimes you do some stupid, foolish crap. I mean, what were you thinking? I finally had lunch with Everly yesterday and dragged it out of her. What the heck is actually going on? She didn’t tell me every little detail, but I heard enough.”
She smacked my chest in a rough attempt at a reprimand, even though it was barely a feather’s touch. Then she stomped her foot and balled her fists like she meant business.
“How could you? How could you break Everly’s heart like that and . . . and . . . cheat on her?” she bellowed.
I scrubbed my face with my hand. I needed a swig of beer if I was going to get into this. I also needed to get out of my damn uniform. I told Caylan to give me a minute while I changed. I assured her I’d explain the whole story.
I returned a few minutes later with a beer in hand and a coffee for my sister. I would have offered her alcohol for this, but she really didn’t drink and was still breastfeeding anyway. I marveled at her. She was such an amazing woman, mother, and at that moment, a big sister. She had returned to sitting in the loveseat, and I sat in “the spot.” I took a long pull from my beer and then placed it on the coffee table. I stared down at the area rug under my feet.
I proceeded to relay the entire sordid story. Caylan’s face ran the gamut of emotions. But she let me tell her everything before she commented. Obviously, she knew Ev’s version, but hearing mine allowed me to see that the whole situation depressed her. Even though she thought the worst of me, of course she still loved me and would support me. And somehow learning the truth . . . well, that seemed to disappoint her even more. I could read from her expressions that she was hurting for Ev—and me. Caylan loved happy endings, and she always wanted one for all those around her.
Then she told me Everly’s version of the fateful day. The most difficult part was hearing how Everly had slapped Stuart for the kiss that I unluckily witnessed. I needed a minute to get over hearing about that. I was so mad at myself for jumping to conclusions. Caylan was reluctant to tell me what really happened at first because she didn’t want to be disloyal to Everly, but she prefaced it by explaining she was genuinely trying to help us. She told me that, if I knew the truth, she could help fix things. Thank God I had a beer to help get me through this. I was not much of a drinker and obviously no lightweight, but it helped a little bit.
How could Everly ever forgive me?
I was also relieved that Ev hadn’t actually been hurt by Stuart in all of this. I still wanted to kick the fucker’s ass, but Caylan said Everly assured her that everything was fine at work. Ev also told my sister that what went down between her and Stuart was simply a misunderstanding of sorts; I was grateful nothing more had happened between them, consensual or not.
After both Caylan and I finished imparting our pieces and sides of the story, we both blew out an exhausted breath. We slumped back in our seats from the weight of the situation.
“Well, big bro, you’re in quite the pickle,” she expressed while pursing her lips.
That was putting it mildly. It wasn’t a pickle; it was bigger than a clusterfuck. I didn’t even have a name for a mess of this proportion. I could see the wheels turning in her head, and I just knew she was plotting something, as always—it was the Caylan way. As much as I didn’t want her to get involved, I was desperate for help. I should have thought to call her. Why I was such a coward, I didn’t know. But I wouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth if she was going to help me.
�
��I don’t know what to do. But I need to do something. I can’t lose her. I want to marry her, and I don’t know how to make this up to her. I don’t know if she would even believe me about what really happened,” I admitted.
She licked her lips and got that expression like a big idea had just occurred to her. “Well, in my experience, you go big or go home alone. And what I mean by that is you need to grovel at her feet. You screwed up big-time. I’m not going to make it worse by harping on it. I just think it will take some time and planning, but we can fix this. You let me work on her, and in the meantime, you work on pulling out all the stops for the biggest apology you’ve ever delivered in your life. I mean, you have to come up with the biggest gesture. You need to show your love, regrets, and your commitment all at once. Might I even suggest a real proposal? I don’t know what will happen, Brent, but you at least have to try. I’ll work on her by laying the groundwork—if she’ll hear me out. I will tell her what really happened. I think I have a way with people, and she might listen to me. Besides, I’ll use Emeline as a shield of cuteness when I talk to her. I’ll take her out to lunch again this week, and I’ll start working my magic.”
She was beaming, and she rubbed her hands together conspiratorially. I appreciated her enthusiasm and optimism, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Caylan was right, though. I needed to do something. I had to at least try; if I didn’t, then what good was I? What kind of a man was I if I didn’t fight for what I wanted, believed in, and valued most in this world? I told Everly I fought for those I loved. Well, I’d fight the hardest for her. It was the least she deserved!
I pulled Caylan up from her seat. She yelped in surprise. I hugged her fiercely and whispered my thanks in her ear. God, she was the absolute best. Even if Everly never forgave me—and I couldn’t blame her if she didn’t—I would not give up on us. I’d carry a torch for her until my dying days. No other woman would ever do, and I had to believe in my heart that I’d find a way to win her back.