If I Can't Have You

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If I Can't Have You Page 14

by Lauren Hammond


  “Sorry,” I whisper back. “It was a heat of the moment kind of thing.”

  All three of us watch Elliot as he puts more distance between himself and Dad.

  Frustrated, Dad throws his arms up in the air and kicks up some sand with his right foot before stomping back over to Mom, Whit, and me. “If I ever see that kid again,” Dad shouts, pointing his finger at me. “He won’t have any arms to hug you with!”

  I try to pull away from mom, but she grips my elbow tighter. “Dad! Stop overreacting! Nothing happened! And I’m eighteen years old! I’m going to be around boys and have relationships with them! There’s nothing you can do to stop it!”

  “Not if I can help it! I’m not going to let some creep take advantage of my daughter!”

  “He’s not a creep! And what part of nothing happened do you not understand?”

  “I was a teenage boy once too, Robin,” dad growls now only a few feet away from me. “I know how they think.”

  “Ugh, dad!” I shriek as a deep shade of scarlet takes up permanent residence in my cheeks. “T.M.I!”

  I glance at Whit and I can tell by the look on her face that she has no idea what to do or say. In fact by the way her lips are bunched together almost into a pucker it looks like she’s trying to hold back her laughter. Or maybe she’s just as disgusted as I am about my dad’s teenage boy hormone confession.

  “Did he at least use protection?” Mom eyes me with concern. “I know how irresponsible some boys can be about this sort of thing.”

  Oh. My. God. Can this situation get any worse? I wonder if there’s like some sort of embarrassment meter hidden somewhere on the beach. It’s probably going off right about now. Ding. Ding. Ding. Robin Mason has hit her limit. I might as well just bury my head in a hole.

  “You.” Dad wags his finger an inch away from my face. “You’re grounded young lady.” There’s an adamant tone to his voice.

  “Dad!” I protest. “You can be serious! Vacation is over tomorrow!” I don’t want to spend the last day of vacation cooped up in the beach house. I face mom. “Mom, can’t you do something?”

  Mom gives Dad a soft look. “Hun, if you’re going to punish her, which I completely agree with by the way, I think you should start it as soon as we get home. It’s vacation and honestly, I don’t want to spend my last night babysitting my college bound daughter.”

  Dad seems to be thinking over mom’s solution. “Fine.” He points a finger at me again. “But the second we get back Robin Sue, you can kiss the rest of your summer goodbye.” Then dad stalks ahead wandering back to the house by himself while Mom, Whit and I stagger behind.

  “I can’t believe him,” I say, letting out a frustrated sigh. “He’s completely overreacting.”

  Mom smiles and pats my shoulder. “Give him a break, honey. His only daughter just spent the night on the beach with a guy, is going off to college in the fall, and is pretty much a grown up. I think he’s having a hard time handling it all. On top of that, you never came home last night.”

  “I swear Mom; I didn’t even realize I fell asleep.” Of course I didn’t I was way too busy locking lips with Elliot Robertson. I glance between Mom and Whit. “I’m sorry I worried you guys.”

  Mom wraps an arm around my shoulder and holds me close. “We forgive you, sweetheart. After all, that’s what growing up is all about. You make mistakes, reckless decisions, and have momentary lapses of judgment. But what’s important is that you learn from all that.”

  “Consider this a lesson learned.”

  Mom kisses the top of my head. “Good.”

  At the house, dad isn’t around and mom leaves me and Whit alone to go off and find him.

  In our room, I plop down on the bed and Whit sits down next to me, pulling her legs into an Indian style position. “I hope you’re prepared to give me all of the juicy deets.”

  I laugh. “The deets, eh?”

  “Yes,” she says, “Spill it sister.”

  First I tell Whit about my talk with Sadie and how we’ve made peace. Then I tell her that maybe we should invite her to the town fair with us. Whit scowls and I explain that I made assumptions about Sadie and that she really isn’t all that bad. And Whit reluctantly agrees that we should invite her since this is technically our last day of vacation and it would be a nice thing to do. Then I tell Whit about my night with Elliot, about our deep conversation, us making out for half of the night, and finally me falling asleep in his arms.

  After I finish I fall back on the bed and Whit lies down next to me. “But I thought you didn’t like Elliot like that.” Whit rolls over onto her side and faces me.

  “Did I say that?” I don’t remember saying that.

  “I guess I assumed that you didn’t like him like that.”

  “You assumed wrong, my friend.”

  “What about Drake?”

  “That’s over.”

  Whit shakes her head and eyes me suspiciously.

  I look at her. “What?” She doesn’t say anything and I know the look on her face is her I-don’t-believe-you-look.

  “You mean to tell me you’re completely over Drake. Just like that.”

  “No. Not just like that.” I roll over and face her, propping my head up in my hand. “I can’t trust, Drake. And I don’t think I’ll be able to ever again. We wouldn’t last and besides even if he was lying when he told me he didn’t like me like that. He doesn’t want a relationship with anyone. He wants to be free to do what he wants.”

  Whit shrugs and lies flat on her back. “If you say so.”

  “Why do I feel like you mean something else when you say that?”

  Whit quirks me a grin. “Maybe because I do.”

  “Please enlighten me then, Whitney Ralston. What exactly do you mean? And please don’t tell me you’ve had this miraculous epiphany and now you think I should give the whole Drake thing another shot.”

  Whit rolls her eyes. “God, no. That’s not what I mean at all. What I mean is that I think you think you’re over him, but you’re not. Robin, you spent years pining over this guy. And just last week you told me you thought you loved him. I think it’s going to take a lot more than just a few mind-blowing kisses with his brother to make you really forget about him.” Whit sighs, staring up at the ceiling. “I know you wouldn’t admit to this in front of your parents, but you know you can tell me the truth. Did you really sleep with Elliot?”

  “No, Whit. Of course not. You know me, I may do other reckless things, but that’s not one of them.” It’s not that I’m saving myself for marriage or anything. I guess I’m just saving myself for the right moment and for the right person. It’s funny to me how I started out the vacation thinking that Drake might be that right person. How wrong was I?

  “You know what, Robin?”

  Whit stands and I sit upright. “What?”

  “You know how much I despise Drake for the way he hurt you. But I think you owe it to yourself to talk to him one last time.”

  What in God’s name is she smoking? “Have you lost your effing mind?”

  “No,” Whit says placing her hands on her hips. “Actually I’m being logical. You can sit here and tell me you’re over him all you want, but I saw you last night when he and Elliot were fighting over you. I saw the look in your eye. You still wanted him.”

  “I did not!”

  Whit lowers her head and slits her eyes. “You didn’t have a mirror. You didn’t see the look on your face. I did. I know that look. I gave Bobby Coulsen plenty of those looks. You need to talk to him. When you’re with him you’ll know for sure whether you’re over him or not.”

  “Are you smoking crack?”

  Whit laughs and shakes her head, lingering in the doorway. “Trust me, Robs. I know what I’m talking about. You need to have closure involving the Drake situation because If you still feel something for Drake there’s no point in starting up anything with Elliot because the only thing you’re going to do is hurt him.” Whit walks out the door and leav
es me alone in the bedroom to drown in my own thoughts.

  I know she was only saying that stuff about Drake because she cares and she wants me to be sure that I’m making the right decision in wanting to be with Elliot or start up a relationship with him. But there is one thing I’m one hundred percent certain of; I am not going to seek him and talk to him because there’s a questioning part of me that keeps asking; what if she’s right?

  What if Whit’s right?

  That question is too powerful and too frightening to even think about, so I tuck it into a corner of my brain and tell myself that even if I do see Drake tonight I am going to avoid him like the plague.

  ~25~

  Until you are broken, you don’t know what you’re made of.

  ~Author Unknown~

  Sadie leans against the bedroom door and shakes her head and she watches Whit straighten the same piece of her hair for what seems to be the twentieth time in a row. I sit on the bed. I’ve been ready for the last hour. Sadie glances at me. “Does she always take this long?”

  I laugh. “This is nothing.”

  Whit’s eyes shift between me and Sadie as she watches us through the mirror. “I can hear you guys,” she mutters, putting on her lip gloss.

  “She’s started the lip gloss,” I comment to Sadie. “Don’t worry she’ll only be another twenty minutes.”

  Whit unzips her makeup bag and throws her lip gloss in it. “No, I won’t I’m done.”

  Sadie lets out a breath and I stand. Whit picks her purse up from off the floor and shoves her makeup bag inside. “Don’t you two know that the beautification process takes time?”

  “An hour or two, yes,” I say. “Not half of the day.”

  Whit huffs and slings her purse over her shoulder.

  The three of us pile into my parent’s car. They went to the fair too, but left early and rode with Sadie’s parents so that we could use the car. The Fourth of July Festival is only a few miles away and mom left me directions on the counter so I made sure to grab those before heading out the door.

  It only takes fifteen minutes to drive there. We park the car, I hit the lock button, and double-check all the doors, then Sadie, Whit, and I walk to the entrance.

  There’s a huge red, white, and blue banner hanging from two metal poles that reads: Happy Fourth of July. And the tiny fair that only consists of some food booths, a bouncy house for kids, pony rides, and a few games is packed full of what I assume to be townspeople and tourists.

  Sadie snags a flier off a table next to the entrance as we walk through and holds it up. “Ohh! Fireworks tonight!”

  “Fun,” I say.

  Whit grabs both of our wrists and starts pulling us through the crowd of people. “Let’s go see if we can find some hotties to watch them with.”

  Well, Whit and Sadie can find some hotties to watch the fireworks with. The only person I want to be curled up on a blanket with, watching the brilliant display of colors in the sky with is Elliot. I wonder if he’ll be here. Silently, I laugh off the thought. There’s no doubt in my mind he’ll be here at some point. And I know since our departing this morning it’s going to be an awkward encounter. I replay the image of my dad chasing him down the beach and shudder. Awkward indeed.

  We pass an Oriental Express booth and enticing scent of fried rice wafts up my nostrils. A loud growl escapes from my belly and I whine, “I want an eggroll.”

  I haven’t eaten anything since lunch and my mouth is salivating at the thought of some good ol greasy, fried fair food.

  Whit releases my wrist and she and Sadie wait off to the side while I wait in line.

  There are three people in front of me and the person who is currently up at the counter is ordering the whole damn menu. A loud howl rumbles from my stomach and I wrap my arms around my abdomen thinking that might silence it. I’m wrong. A few more grumbles roll out and by that time the person who just ordered a whole smorgasbord steps out of line with four white bags.

  By the time I actually make it up the window I’m thinking I might want two eggrolls instead of one. I go with that. “I’d like two vegetable eggrolls,” I tell the person waiting on me as he goes off to make them I reach into my pocket for some cash. And while I’m fishing around for change I hear Whit’s high-pitched laughter and turn my attention toward her and Sadie. Two guys have struck up a conversation with them and Whit is giving the raven-haired guy she’s talking to a flirty grin. I turn back to the window and pay for my food, grab my eggrolls and inhale one as I make my way over to Whit and Sadie.

  But I don’t make it very far.

  I smack into someone’s back and drop my other eggroll. I’m still so hungry and as I keep my eyes on the eggroll on the pavement I wonder if the five second rule would apply here. Ewww, what am I thinking? Definitely not. Seconds later a heavy set man steps on it and squashes it. There goes that idea anyway.

  The person who I ran into is facing me and I stare long and hard at his feet before working my way up to his eyes. A set of gray-blue eyes that are only focused on me. But they’re not the pair of gray-eyes I’ve been hoping for because they don’t belong to Elliot. They belong to Drake. “Hey, kid. Can we talk for a second?”

  I really wish I could tell him no. Part of me is screaming the word. No! No! No! The other part of me wants to hear what he has to say. Then again, what could he possibly say to me that’s going to make everything he’s done okay? Whit told me that I’d know if I still have feelings for him if I talked to him and right now I’m not getting anything from him but annoyance. “No,” I tell him making my way back over to Whit.

  “Just hear me out, please,” he pleads and grabs my elbow. I face him and decide that maybe I should just let him talk. I know what he says to me isn’t going to change my opinion of him and I decide that if I just pretend like I’m listening to him that maybe he’ll go away.

  Somehow I doubt it.

  “You’ve got sixty seconds,” I tell him and fold my arms across my chest.

  “Okay,” he says. “I lied when I said I didn’t like you like that.” He waits for me to respond, but I don’t so he goes on. “I made a mistake with Sydney. I cheated and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t regret what I did to her. I did love her, but there was something missing from our relationship. There was no spark. But, you kid, you give me that spark.” Drake shoves his hands in his pockets and rocks on his heels and I can tell expressing the way he feels is hard for him. “It terrified me at first, the way I felt about you. It terrified me so much I tried anything to push you away. I messed around with Sadie, I told you I didn’t like you, I even tried to keep my distance, but I couldn’t. And when I saw you on the beach kissing Elliot, I went crazy. I lost it. Kid, you’re the missing piece to my puzzle. I want you. I need you.”

  I don’t know what to say. The person I was at the beginning of this vacation would have collapsed into his arms and drank in every word. I would have told him to hold me, kiss me, touch me, and never let me go. But I’m not the same person. I don’t feel the same way. “I’m sorry, Drake, but I—.”

  Before I can even get the rest of my words out he’s kissing me, passionate and deep.

  At first, my eyes go wide and I try to push him away, but he’s so insistent. And I’m so stupid. I lose myself in it—the kiss—and as it gets more intense and both of us start to breathe heavy, I wait to feel something. But I don’t. I feel nothing.

  Don’t get me wrong, Drake is a fabulous kisser, but the all of the jumbled emotions I used to experience when kissing him are gone.

  When Drake backs out of the kiss his eyes are still closed and he lets out a soft sigh. His eyes open slowly and he smiles. “That was amazing.” I’m glad he thinks so because for me it wasn’t amazing at all.

  I open my mouth to tell him how I feel when I hear a third voice joining our little party. “Am I seeing straight?” A sickening feeling tears through the lining of my stomach and shivers of panic runs down my spine as I turn my head, facing voice n
umber three. Elliot. He scowls, eyes wandering between me and Drake. “What the fuck was that?”

  I’ve never seen so much anger in his pale blue eyes. “Elliot,” I choke out. Tears are welling up in my eyes and I can’t see straight. “It was nothing, I swear.” Elliot lowers his head, bites his bottom lip, and huffs. When he lifts his head again the hurt look on his face rips my heart out. “Just let me explain.” I move toward him and he backs away. I take another step forward and he backs away again. I reach out to him then glimpse at my trembling fingertips. “Elliot, please. It’s not what you think it is.”

  Elliot clenches his jaw and growls, “You’re not who I thought you were, Robin.” And before I can respond he turns away from me and takes off, disappearing into the crowd.

  I start after him and Drake catches me by the arm. “Let him go,” he says. “He’ll get over it.”

 

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