by Vi Keeland
“We’re going to work on our project tonight, 6pm. I’ll pick you up so your Aunt doesn’t have to drive you. Text me your address,” Allie instructs and I agree.
I glance back in Zack’s direction, only to find his seat vacant. He’s disappeared as wordlessly as he arrived. Looking down, I find a folded-up note propped on my desk, Thanks for the pencil.
Chapter 17
Zack
This time tomorrow we’ll both be different. Tonight’s a night we’ll never forget. I can’t wait. XO Em. Sitting in my room, the post-it-note I’d found stuck to my dashboard the morning of the bonfire clutched in my hand, my mind wanders to Nikki today in class. The way she looked at me, her big green eyes and pale skin, skin that betrays her as it flushes at being caught. There’s just something about her that I’m drawn to, something that makes me smile when everything else around me only makes me angry.
Lost in thought for a few seconds, I grimace when I look down and see Emily’s handwriting. Guilt sickens me. I should be picturing Emily. I read the note for the thousandth time. This time tomorrow we’ll both be different. Tonight’s a night we’ll never forget. I can’t wait. XO Em. I shut my eyes and will my mind to see Emily. Nikki’s green eyes greet me.
Again. This time tomorrow we’ll both be different. Tonight’s a night we’ll never forget. I can’t wait. XO Em. Eyes closed tightly, I try to remember Emily on that last day — the last time she smiled, the last time she was happy. Instead, the curve of Nikki’s mouth fills my subconscious.
I hate myself. Again. This time tomorrow we’ll both be different. Tonight’s a night we’ll never forget. I can’t wait. XO Em. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter. Again. This time tomorrow we’ll both be different. Tonight’s a night we’ll never forget. I can’t wait. XO Em. Twenty more tries are no more successful than my first attempt. My eyes jar open, leaving Nikki’s face behind. I shred the note into a hundred tiny pieces.
The door to my room creaks open loudly. My mother knocks softly even though she’s already opened the door. “Zack.”
I don’t respond.
“Sweetie.” Her tone is soft, pensive. I feel badly for making her walk on eggshells, but I don’t know how to get myself back to where I was. I’m not sure if I can ever go back. Too much has changed. I’ve changed.
She sits down next to me on the bed. I crumple the little yellow post-it pieces into my hand. Mom takes her hand and covers mine, the one clutching Emily’s note.
“I thought you were going to work on your English project tonight?”
“Changed my mind,” I say tersely. I don’t really feel like debating my social life, or lack thereof.
“Why?” Why the hell does she think? I don’t respond, not because I have nothing to say, but because she won’t like what she hears.
“Zack?” Her voice rises to that motherly tone. The one that’s a warning more than a question. I stare at her blankly, but she doesn’t back down.
“Go. You need to get out. You need to be around some friends. Work on your project. You always feel good around Keller. Go.”
Annoyed at her persistence, I stand. Wadding up the torn Post-It in my hand, I peg it at the garbage can in the corner of my room. I miss, but don’t bother to pick up the tiny, yellow pieces scattered all over the floor on my way out. I slam the door behind me.
***
With no destination in mind, I drive around aimlessly for more than an hour. It’s nearly nine when I arrive at The Grind, the coffee shop I was supposed to meet the group at. Allie’s red Volkswagen is parked right out front, the hood open as she and Keller peer into the engine. I pull over because, even though I choose to wallow in my own self pity, I’m not that big of a dick that I’d pass a friend who looks like they could use a hand.
“Zack,” Allie says as she sees me approach. “You’re about three hours late.” Unlike most everyone else around me, she’ll call me on my shit, instead of tiptoeing like I’m fragile and might break.
I smile and shake my head. “Thanks. I thought I was right on time,” I reply, equally sarcastic. “What’s going on?”
“It won’t start.”
“What happens when you turn the key?”
“Not much, it makes a click-click sound.” Keller shrugs.
“Turn it…let me hear.” Allie walks around to the driver’s side, gets in and tries to start it.
“It’s the starter.” Years of working on old cars with my dad, I’ve picked up on some of the common car repairs.
“That’s what my dad said.”
I nod. “Is he coming for you?”
“Yeah. But he’s coming straight from work and he’s got his little two-seater, divorced-on-the-prowl car, so I can’t give Nikki and Keller a ride home.”
“Nikki?” I look around.
“She just went inside to use the ladies room. Here she comes now.” Allie points just as Nikki walks through the front door and our eyes meet.
“I can give them a ride.”
“That would be great.”
Allie’s father pulls up in his two-seater Porsche just as Nikki makes her way back over to us. She smiles at me and I smile back.
“Did you call your Aunt already?” Keller asks.
She shakes her head no.
“Good. Zack’s going to give us a lift.”
Chapter 18
Nikki
Keller’s house is only a few blocks from The Grind. As we pull up, Zack hops out with Keller. The two exchange a few words I can’t hear, and then Zack opens the door to the back seat, offering his hand for me to get out. The other hand reaches forward and opens the front passenger door. He waits until I’m inside to close it, then jogs around to the other side.
His right hand on the gear shifter, for a second it looks like he’s going to drive, but then he changes his mind. Leaving the car in park, he turns to face me. Lifting one knee up onto the seat and twisting his body toward me, he slings one arm casually around the back of the seat. It’s just the two of us in the car now and suddenly the inside of the spacious car seems smaller. Maybe even a little warmer.
He looks at me and arches an eyebrow with a grin. Although fully aware I need to give him my aunt’s address, I play along. Grinning back, I arch an eyebrow in return and fold my arms stubbornly over my chest.
Throwing his head back, Zack laughs. The deep, raspy sound echoes through me, the sound warming me. It befits his handsome face. Together we have a good chuckle and then he extends his hand to me and through a sexy half smile, I finally hear his voice, “Zack Martin.”
I oblige. “Nikki Fallon.”
“Nice to finally meet you, Nikki Fallon.” He doesn’t let go of my hand as he speaks.
“You too.” I feel the warmth from his hand spread through me.
“I was beginning to think you were mute.”
My eyes widen. “Me? You’re the one who started this.”
“I haven’t been much of a talker lately, I guess.” He opens his mouth as if to say something else, then shuts it.
I shrug, completely understanding how he feels, although I’m sure for different reasons. “I get it. Sometimes you just don’t feel like talking. Lately I feel like every word I say is analyzed for a hidden meaning.”
Zack releases my hand and instantly I feel the warmth that had spread through my whole body start to cool. As he turns back to face the road, I shiver from the sudden temperature change.
“Cold, in this weather?” he asks with surprise as he shifts the car into gear.
I’m not going to tell him that my body temperature dropped drastically when he let go of my hand. I blush just thinking about how hot my body had become just from the feeling of his hand in mine.
“Not cold, just a little shiver, it happens to me sometimes.” As if I have a medical condition and it’s not the result of hormones surging through my seventeen-year-old body.
“Yeah, women always have that problem around me,” Zack teases, glancing my way. I see a flicker in his eyes.
It’s there. There’s some spark that neither of us are quite comfortable with. But we also can’t seem to stop fanning the fire.
“On second thought, I think I’m cold.” A little smirk appears between his two delicious dimples.
“Where to?” Zack asks, looking straight ahead at the road. Is he trying to avoid another meeting of our eyes?
“Uhm. I don’t know. I, uh…” Nervously, I try to respond with coherent words but fail. He wants to take me somewhere?
“You don’t know where you live, silly?” Zack mocks with a now broad smile, which splatters warmth across the cool bucket seats and stirs some embarrassing sensations throughout my body.
I try to will away the redness I know is glowing in my otherwise pale cheeks. “I thought you could figure that out without any words, Zack Martin, the Wordless Wonder.”
“I knew you thought I was a wonder.” He’s unquestionably enjoying our banter.
Before I can respond, Zack turns onto my street and is slowing right before Aunt Claire’s house.
“Stalk people much?” I exclaim, genuinely surprised he already knows where I live.
“You always have to wonder about the quiet ones, Nikki. Always.” Zack sneaks in one last dazzling smile before he turns to open his door.
When he appears at the passenger door and reaches in to help me out of the car, my legs instantly turn to Jell-O. Zack grabs my hand to help me out, and the combination of my unsteady legs and the heady feeling his touch brings me causes me to miss my step. I stumble and fall right into his arms.
“Whoa, are you okay?” Zack laughs but keeps his arms around me as he looks down to make sure I really am okay.
Thank god it’s dark, because I have never felt this flushed in my life. I’m taken aback by my body’s reaction to the feel of his arms wrapped around me. Does he sense it too? Surely, he must know what his nearness is doing to me.
I look up to profess my clumsiness and our eyes meet…closer…much closer than before. Zack suddenly straightens and steadies me on my feet. “Do you need me to walk you to the front door?” There’s a sudden and severe change in his body language and a flatness in his voice. He may as well be asking an old lady if she needs help crossing the street.
“I’m fine. Just a little clumsy. You can go.” My hurt feelings are evident in my words and surely on my face. I’ve never been good at hiding my hurt.
Zack doesn’t seem to notice though. He’s already disappeared mentally, if not physically. “See you in school,” His voice is mechanical, without any hint of the playful guy who was flirting with me just moments ago. He doesn’t even look back as he walks away.
Zack, his well-bred manners intact, sits in the car watching to assure I make it into Aunt Claire’s house safely. As soon I close the door behind me, he pulls away from the curb. Watching out the window, I’m reminded of the way his demeanor changed at the track. What is it that enters Zack’s head and robs that flicker from his beautiful eyes?
Later that night, I toss and turn, unable to sleep, remembering the surge of heat that flushed through my body at Zack’s touch. I don’t ever remember feeling anything like it before. As much as I know I need to stay focused on why I came to Long Beach to begin with, it’s pretty impossible to erase the feeling from my mind. Or body.
As I fall asleep, I start thinking about my sister. Until I met Ashley, I never had anyone to share my most personal thoughts with. Mom and I didn’t have that kind of relationship. I wouldn’t have told her about Zack. At least I don’t think so. But, a sister… a sister is exactly who you would share this stuff with. Perhaps mine is popular and has had boyfriends— she’ll have all the right advice .
Chapter 19
Zack
As I walk in the front door of our house, I realize I don’t even remember the drive home from Nikki’s. That happens a lot lately. Minutes, hours and days disappear. I’m alive, but I’m not really living. It’s what I deserve. I don’t deserve to feel. Not when Emily can’t anymore.
But being near Nikki makes me feel. It’s not just in my head either. It’s physical too. A draw, a pull, an energy that zaps me back from the land of numb. Even the slightest touch, a simple handshake, brings me back to life. Sure I remember the excitement of being around Emily. The ache in my groin just from a glimpse of her in a bikini. But I don’t remember this. When Nikki tripped out of the car tonight, my legs went so weak at the touch of her body that I almost fell myself. What the fuck is wrong with me?
I toss and turn all night trying to stop feeling, but the emotions are just too powerful. I shower for school the next morning, reasoning with myself that all I need to do is stay away from her. If I don’t touch, the feeling won’t come back. It should be simple.
***
It saddens me that nothing seems to have changed, yet everything is different. The numbness I wanted so desperately last night found me the moment I walked into school. Maybe it was the sight of a gaggle of girls in the courtyard who reminded me of Emily. Beautiful bodies dressed to perfection, outlined with golden hair. Poised for viewing. The courtyard was Emily’s favorite place to show off her runway outfits.
Walking into school doesn’t get easier with each day that passes. Dad said it would and so did the leader of the support group Mom and Dad made me go to every week all summer. But they’re wrong. They’re all wrong.
It happens again as I walk into Mr. Davis’s class. I realize the walk between the courtyard and class is lost. But when I walk into English, I’m pulled back by the sight of Nikki. The only open desk in the room is directly behind her. She looks down into her notebook, seemingly so unaffected by everyone around her…guys showing off, girls carrying on about their ridiculously overpriced shoes.
I inhale a deep breath and walk to the desk. I almost make it past her when she looks up and spots me. I recognize the expression on her face. She doesn’t know how to react to my presence. It’s an expression I’m way too familiar with the last few months.
Allie either doesn’t notice or ignores my brooding. “Hey Zack. Thanks for driving Keller and Nikki home last night. My car is out of commission for now.”
“No problem,” I mumble as I take the seat behind Nikki and next to Allie.
Keller slams his body into the seat on the other side of me. “Coach said you better show up at football practice today if you want to play at homecoming.” He tries to sound like he’s just delivering a message, but it’s also his own curiosity wanting to know if I’m coming back to the team.
“I’ve only missed a few days,” I snap back at him.
“A few days and the entire summer,” he quickly reminds me. “If it was anyone else he wouldn’t even let them play. But I think he’s serious. You better come to practice today.”
Nikki looks up from her notes with a strain of her eyes to pay attention. Our eyes meet and she looks away quickly. There’s no smile on her face. I need to see it, be the one to put it there.
Trying to make light and ease the tension in the air, I respond to Keller but look at Nikki, “I might just have to come back to the team. Poor Nikki shouldn’t have to watch you try and play quarterback at homecoming. It wouldn’t be fair to our new classmate.”
Nikki turns toward me, a smile lighting her face. And there it is again— that feeling of being alive.
The next forty minutes of English fly by while I examine Nikki from behind. Not the kind of from behind most guys want to examine. Instead I watch her hair sway across her shoulders as she moves back and forth in her seat. She seems almost restless, barely able to sit still.
I think about saying something to her directly as we exit class, but Keller intercepts the opportunity, his large frame blocking my way. Still waiting for a real answer from me, he won’t relent.
“I’ll take it easy on you at practice. Don’t want to hurt you, being that you’re so out of shape and all,” Keller baits me.
“Take it easy on me? You’re the one who’s out of shape, buddy.” As we walk down the ha
llway, I knock him gently into the lockers alongside him.
Keller recovers and returns the shove, grinning. “That pretty boy face is going to wind up bruised if you try that again.” It’s a threat, but there’s nothing but pleasure in this voice.
A few other members of the team catch up to the two of us. All week, the halls have been brimming with talk of homecoming and the big game, and today is no different. Football player egos crowd the halls just as I veer off toward my next class.
“See you at practice,” Keller yells after me with conviction, as I disappear into chemistry.
He just might.
Chapter 20
Zack
Dirt cakes the legs of my once white practice pants, I’ve been knocked on my ass more in the last hour than I have been in the last two seasons. What the fuck?
Keller extends a large hand down to help me up for what is probably the tenth time. “Dude, get your head out of your ass or Coach is going to bench you.”
“Screw you,” I spit back.
He smirks, always the wise ass, “You’re pretty, but not my type. I like bigger titties.” He holds his cupped hands to his chest, making the universal guy sign for large breasts.
“You’re an idiot.” He is, but I say it in jest, the anger of being knocked on my ass, repeatedly, disappearing easier than it should. I’m physically present, but something is missing.
“I’m not the one who can’t figure out how to throw the ball or move out of the way of the two-hundred-pound guy charging at me. Your feet turn to lead or something? Maybe you need to take some ballet lessons to limber up…you know, with the other girls?”
“Fuck you,” I grunt with a smile he can’t see under my helmet, yet I’m sure he knows it’s there.
“Speaking of fucking…” Keller trails off as we line up into T formation, his head nods in the direction of a few of the girls from track running a relay race. I look without interest. Until I see her.