by Amanda Heath
“When I get scared or when I need to be held, I’ve always come to you. Now’s not any different.” Her arms come around my stomach and my body breaks out into chill bumps like it does every time she touches me.
I find myself putting my head on top of hers because I can’t help it. “What did you do for the past year?”
“I bought bottles of your cologne and spray your pillow with it.” I close my eyes at that confession. “It’s not the same as this, but it helped. I guess deep down I knew I wasn’t ever going to get you to forgive me. I wanted to come over here so many times. I wanted to scream and shout that I was wrong and take it all back, but some thing’s you can’t go back and do over.”
I don’t say anything because her words seem to crack the place inside of me I hardened against her. Hearing the person who hurt you is in pain, just like you, makes it easier to deal with. I know she could have prevented the pain, but she’s also right in we can’t go back and change it. Things are how they are.
She clears her throat and I look down at her, only to see her looking up at me. “I love you Channing. That was never in question. I could never love anyone the way I love you. I haven’t even tried to love anyone else. I only ever wanted you. But I couldn’t get past my own insecurities.” I see her hand curve around her stomach out of the corner of my eye. “This baby makes everything different. I don’t want to be like my mother. I want you to be with me and help me through this. I know that’s a lot to ask considering our past, but I’m ready to be whatever you want me to be.”
I don’t answer her because I don’t know what to say. I love her but I hate her too. And life isn’t that simple. I can’t go from not being with her to being with her. I have to think about things and make the best choice for me. Though, me being in her life to help with this kid has never been in question. I will be here for all of it.
I tip her chin up and lean over to kiss her. It’s gentle at first but soon my tongue finds its way into her mouth and my hand snakes under her shirt. This is what we do. It’s what we’ve always done. We don’t solve our problems by simply having a heart to heart. Our bodies always get involved. Sex is our way of talking it out. That’s probably why we’ve been having so much of it lately.
Paisley pushes me onto my back and straddles my hips. Then she undoes my belt buckle. My zipper goes down and she reaches in to grab my dick, which is hard for her. I groan, never taking my eyes off her. Her lips are wet and her eyes are bright. Just the way I like it. I reach up to pull her down to me. I push her skirt up around her hips. My fingers make their way to her sex, where I find her hot and wet. I hook my fingers into her panties and move them to the side.
This is when she moves her hips to sink down on me. The whole time she rides me with her eyes open and her forehead on mine. My hands stay in her hair, drawing her closer and closer. You can feel it in the air, all the anger leaving. The hurt lingers but it’s not nearly as bad. Sometimes you just need the things that hurt you the most. They make that hurt go away, sometimes forever or sometimes not at all.
She rides me hard and slow. Switching between them, driving me insane. Then I watch in those blue-green eyes how her world breaks apart and comes back together as her slick walls squeeze around my dick. Then I explode deep inside her.
She falls down on me and we just lie there. No talking, just heavy breathing. It’s the best I’ve felt in the past year. And then I have the urge to explain what I felt.
“When Margret came out with that letter. I lost it. I couldn’t see, I couldn’t hear, and I couldn’t feel. I just started destroying whatever I could get my hands on. The church looked like a tornado hit it by the time they got me sedated. I vowed that day to never forgive you. Royal and Rachel did too. Pierce didn’t know what to do, but he’s always been only worried about me. He’s got a big soft spot for you.” I pause and use my hands to smooth up and down her back. “I used to look at pictures of you all day the first month. The second month I pretended they didn’t exist and I smoked pot all day every day. Rachel joined me when Asher went to bed. Then the third month I started to regain some of the things that made me who I am. So I pretended I didn’t need you and I refused to say your name. No one else would say it either. Royal called you the Redhead and Rachel and I referred to you as the bitch. Pierce simply pretended you didn’t exist.
“I was a shell, baby. I wasn’t anyone anymore because you weren’t next to me. Then I got so fucking excited but tried to hide it when I found out you were in the wedding. Then you were there, standing right in front of me. And I knew I wanted you to hurt as much as I did.” I pause and look down at her. “But I could see it, even if I didn’t want to. You hurt just as much as me and I was happy. But I was happier to see you. And even if I couldn’t admit it right then, I knew everything was going to be okay.”
We don’t speak after that. She falls asleep pretty quickly and I find myself whispering, “I love you, too.” Right before I drift off.
Rachel
This morning I decided I was going to stop being a complete idiot and go home to my husband and my son. I don’t think it was just one thing that sent me in this direction but lots of little things. You spend five years with someone you start to miss everything about them when they aren’t around.
Court and I are fine in relationship terms. We talk every day and he always lets me know how much he misses me. Though being the wonderful man that he is, he doesn’t push me to come home. He knows what happened with Donovan has put me in a mindset I don’t want to be in. Things are confusing now and I don’t know what to do about it.
So I decided to go home and get over it. Yes, I was drugged and almost raped, but I have a man who loves me with his whole heart. It wasn’t his fault or my fault that this happened. Donovan let his anger and resentment fester and grow into something evil. He could have talked it out with Court or with a professional but he chose not to.
I can understand it though, if only a little. I now want revenge for what he put me through, what he put everyone I love through. I want to punch him in the face and cut off his balls. Then feed them to him.
My mom stands at the doorway while I pack up the rest of my clothes. “I’m not going to lie, I’m going to miss you. It’s been so familiar and now you’re moving out again. Plus, you come with Asher and it’s always a joy to be around him.”
I sniffle a little bit at that. We haven’t always had the easiest relationship but now that I’m grown and have a kid, I understand her. I get why she did the things she did. Plus, she’s a shrink and I’ve learned a thing or two about how the brain works. She was protecting herself and us from pain. She almost died and we had no idea. She lost a few of our years growing up and she didn’t want to come back into our lives and then have to leave again.
Women.
“You act like I live miles away. It’s only a few blocks, Mom. Plus, we are over here a lot. Quit being a girl about it.” I hear her laugh behind me and it brings a smile to my face.
“You and that mouth.” I turn to look at her and she shakes her head. “I’m happy to see you go though, you need to be with Courtney. I’m sure he’s been a mess without you.”
I bark out a laugh and zip up my suitcase. “I think we’ve been a mess without each other. But somehow I think this whole ordeal will make us stronger.”
I hug her tightly before I walk down the stairs. “I’m going home Dad. I’ll see you later!”
He appears at the doorway to the living room and grins at me. “You go make it right, Rach. We’ll be here if you need us.” I set my suitcase down and cross over to him. We wrap our arms around each other. He squeezes me a little too tight but I don’t mind. There’s nothing like a loving hug from your Dad.
I tell Dad and Mom I love them as I walk out the front door. I stop in the driveway and turn around to look at my childhood home. I know this is the last time I will ever live here. I let a tear fall for that and then I put my big girl panties on and head to my house.
&nbs
p; Paisley’s Camaro is parked in the driveway and I find that odd. Though she is pregnant now, so I guess Channing and her will work out their problems. I hated her for a while for what she did, but I also knew she had big issues. And they aren’t the kind of issues that make themselves known. Having been friends with her for years, you never would have known she felt abandoned by her mother and then betrayed by her grandmother. She hides it so well she doesn’t even know she has the issues. Plus, finding out how crazy her mom really was and what she put her father through, I’d be scared of getting married too. Though she should have known Channing wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt her.
So in fact Paisley was scared of herself and I can forgive that. I think we are all a little scared of ourselves. You never know what you’re capable of until the time comes.
I didn’t tell Court I was coming home. It is our anniversary today, so I decided to make it a surprise. I use my key to unlock the front door and I slowly enter the house. I hear children’s voices in the living room. I hear noises from the kitchen along with voices. I set my suitcase down and peek into the living room. Asher and BeeBee sit on the floor in front of the TV. They bicker at each other while they run around on screen as sock puppets. Little Big Planet is one of those games you really get into.
They both look up at me when I laugh. Asher throws his controller down and screams, “Mommy!” and shoots up off the floor. He runs at me and crashes into my legs almost knocking us over. “You’re home! I can’t believe you’re home!”
“Well you best believe it. I’m finally home for good.” I lean over and kiss his hair and take in his scent. I’ve seen him every day but that still doesn’t make up for the fact I wasn’t living at home with him and Court.
“Rach?” Court asks from the doorway into the kitchen. I look up from Asher and beam at him. My big strong man, the one I love so fucking much. He strides down the hallway and picks me up and twirls me around a little bit. “So did you finally put your head on right?”
I nod with tears in my eyes. I normally wouldn’t cry right now but the hormones are making me crazy lately. “Yes I finally stopped being stupid.”
He kisses my cheek and then puts his face in my neck. “So happy to have you home.” His voice is gruff and I wonder if he’s on the verge of tears himself. The big baby.
“I hate to break this up but the pancakes are burning,” Channing says from down the hall. I look over at him and see him smiling like an idiot.
Court growls. “Paisley can cook, make her take them off. Can’t you see I’m busy here?”
Channing barks out a laugh and walks towards us. “I can. I wanted my hug is all. Paisley took care of the pancakes without being asked.” He winks at Court and then wraps his arms around me. “The lady of the house is finally home. Maybe now we’ll have clean clothes.” He kisses me on the cheek and I smack his arm.
“No such luck. I’m the pregnant one here. I ain’t doing any house work and y’all can kiss my butt.” I stick my tongue out at him.
I move down the hallway and go into the kitchen. Paisley is pouring more batter into the pan. She almost drops the bowl when she spots me in the doorway. “Seems I’m not the only one to come home.” I raise both eyebrows waiting to see if she becomes badass Paisley or gentle Paisley.
“Well, I had a lot more to be forgiven for. Unlike you who didn’t do shit.” Then she raises both eyebrows at me.
I laugh and wrap an arm around her shoulder. “All that matters to me is that you’re here and you’re trying to make up for it.”
“Well you know me. I can’t stand it when everyone is mad at me.” She lets me go to scoop out the pancakes and move them to plates.
BeeBee and Asher come running into the room. BeeBee stops next to me and beams up at me. “I’m going to be an aunt! Can you believe it? I can play dress up with a real baby!”
“You are? That’s very exciting. But what happens if it’s a boy? You can’t play dress up with a baby boy.” I bite my lip as she frowns.
Then she puts her hands on her hips. “Then I’ll pretend it’s a girl and still dress him up.”
I wink at her and nod. I hate to break it to the kid but no one is going to play dress up with Channing’s son. Not that I know it’s a boy, I’m just saying.
“Y’all should enjoy breakfast. Rach and I will be back later this afternoon,” Court walks up next to me and announces. I roll my eyes at him but wave goodbye as I follow him out of the kitchen.
The poor boy hasn’t gotten laid in a little over a month. He’s got to be hurting. But we need to talk about a few things before the fun happens. I know, I know, being an adult sucks!
He carries my bag upstairs and then into our bedroom. He sets the bag down at the foot of the bed on the floor. I close the door behind me. Then we just stand there staring at each other. I missed him every hour of every day.
“I shouldn’t have been so blind. I shouldn’t have let any of this happen. If I had just ignored him, none of this would have ever happened,” I tell him, moving to sit down on the bed.
He sits down next to me and wraps his arm over my shoulder. Then he falls backwards taking me with him. I curl into his side and turn my head to look up at him. His green eyes meet mine and I find myself lost in their depths. They say you can see into someone’s soul by looking in their eyes, and that’s true for Court. I see everything in his eyes. All the love he has for me and all the pain he holds for the shit that happened with his brother.
“I should have talked to him about it when Annabella first pulled her shit. I shouldn’t have listened to him when he said he wasn’t mad at me. And he probably wasn’t, but over the years it’s had time to grow and fester making him do horrible things.” His hand, not attached the arm behind my head, moves up to glide over my cheek. “You are not at fault for this. He approached you and you thought he was lonely and needed a friend. I wasn’t around much then with practice and games. You were probably lonely a little too.”
“I thought he needed a friend. He kept saying how he didn’t have anyone to talk to and how I was always such a nice person.” I shiver thinking about walking into his house. “Then I went into his house and I realized how much he had lied to me. He has friends, he made a lot of them when he was at college.”
“That’s what happens when you join a fraternity. It doesn’t matter though. This is all on him. I see that now and I hope you do too. He could have chosen a different path than he did. He could have talked it out with me, hurt me to my face instead of going after you. He made his choices and he has to live with the consequences.”
We stare at each other for a while just lost in thought. Then I have something to say. “I’m sorry I ran away for so long. I should have been here with you and Asher. I just didn’t want to believe that Donovan would actually do something like that. I thought I had brought it all upon myself. I didn’t want it to be true and when it was, I had to get through the horrible thoughts that followed.” I pause and take a deep breath, swallowing down all the vile thoughts that took over my brain for a while. “I didn’t want you to see me like that. I didn’t want you to have to hurt even more for what he did. And I shouldn’t have done that because I still hurt you by staying away.”
I look away from him but he catches my chin and makes me turn back towards him. “I can’t imagine how it was Rach. I probably reminded you of him, considering we look a lot alike. And if I hadn’t slept with Annabella while she was with him, none of this would ever have happened.”
I shake my head. “We can go over and over all the things that we did to make this happen. And we shouldn’t do that anyway. This is his fault. There’s a time and a place for revenge. Like five years ago when you started sleeping with Annabella. Not now when you’re married and happy. I think that’s what messed him up the most. You are happy and he isn’t. He doesn’t have a steady girlfriend and hasn’t had one since Annabella. That should tell you a few things there.”
Court pulls his arm from under me and
rolls over my body. He stares down at me for a minute. “I love you so much. I spent every night wanting you beside me and it killed me that I was a part of the reason you couldn’t be next to me at night. But I swear to God I will never be away from you again.”
I open my mouth to say something but he stops me with his lips. Tingles start up along my body centering at my sex. He can always turn me on by kissing me. The kiss is slow. His tongue comes into my mouth and then leaves, making me groan at the teasing. I hate to be teased. His hand comes up under my shirt and he kneads my breasts. My nipples come up into sharp little points stabbing into my bra.
He leans back long enough to help me get rid of the shirt. Then he pushes down my bra and his mouth suctions onto my nipple. I arch my back at the sensation trying to get my hips closer to his hips. He raises his head and laughs at me when I growl at him for going so slow. Then I shut him up by ripping his shirt over his head. I kiss his neck and down his chest. He stops me before I get to his dick because he knows that’s where I was headed. He pushes me onto my back and takes off my knee-high leather boots. Then my pants come off, followed by my panties. I start panting when his face goes right for the good stuff. His tongue plays at my clit and he uses a finger to sink inside of me. I arch my hips for a closer contact and he obliges.
My hands are in his hair and I think again how much I love that he grew it out. I tug on it hard and he growls against my swollen wet skin. He sucks at me, making me cry out. Though he stops before I reach the finish line. I glare at him as he rises on his legs. He runs a hand through his hair giving me a sexy smirk. Then he trails the hand down his chest oh so slowly. I try to tighten my legs together but he’s in-between them so I can’t. He uses that hand to unbutton his jeans and pull the zipper. Then his dick is free and I really start panting.
He lays over me, never breaking eye contact. “I want to be inside of you when you come. I want you to whimper my name while you clutch at my cock.” He kisses me hard, making me taste myself. “I love it when you whimper my name.”