by Liane Shaw
I wonder if he’s heard the one about the insane asylum yet.
“Maybe you can teach me how to do that.”
“I would love to,” he says, the gold flecks in his eyes jumping out at me, making my heart do a slow roll in my chest.
Calm down, Jack. Remember what Clare said. Just friends.
“My friend Ryan and I are going to the Supe after school for fries. You could come if you want, and we can show you around downtown.” Three stores, a restaurant, and the post office. I hope he doesn’t pass out from all the excitement.
“The Supe?”
“The Superior Restaurant. The food mostly sucks, but everyone hangs out there anyway, seeing as it’s the only restaurant in town. My mom works there.”
“Oh yeah? That’s nice. You can hang with your friends and your mom at the same time.” I look at his face to see if he’s making fun of me, but he looks serious, like he actually thinks it’s nice and not pathetic. Over his left shoulder, I suddenly notice the teacher is staring at us, looking less than pleased. She likes me because she thinks I’m artistic, but that doesn’t mean she won’t bitch me out and embarrass me.
“Anyway, I’m going to get in shit if I don’t go back to my seat. If you want to come, just meet us at the front of the school after the final bell.”
“Sounds good.”
I head back to my seat, trembling a little in amazement at my own success. I can’t believe this. He noticed me? Thought I’d be friend material? And I’ve been avoiding him so much that he thought I was pissed with him. How stupid could I be?
No. Don’t do that. That doesn’t matter now. Focus on the positive. What matters is that I did it. Right? I actually talked to him, and it was better than any dialogue Ryan could have written for one of his stories.
I spent the rest of the day in a fog, wandering around my classes as if I were dreaming them. I made about a million mistakes in math class and forgot to bring my books to history. After school, on the way to my locker, I walked into a wall instead of watching where I was going because I was busy wondering if Benjamin would actually come with us.
“Are you ready?” I walk quickly over to Ryan’s locker when the endless school day is finally over.
“What?” He’s checking his phone, reading something.
“I said are you ready to go?”
“Um, no. I haven’t even opened my locker yet.” He looks at me strangely and reaches up to undo his lock. He’s taking his sweet time about it, and I’m trying not to jump out of my skin waiting for him. What if Benjamin decides we’re not coming and just leaves?
“Oh, right. Okay. Well, maybe I’ll just wait for you out front.”
“Why? It’s raining.” He starts putting books away and taking others out. Slowly and carefully, like he’s got all the time in the world. Seriously, any minute now I’m going to shed like a snake if I don’t get moving.
“It’s just drizzling and I…need some air. Oh, and I invited the new guy to come with us. Hope that’s okay.”
“Benjamin? Sure. He’s cool.”
“You’ve already met him?”
“Yeah, I told you before, he’s in my English class. We’ve talked a few times. He’s nice.” I look at him in surprise. How could I have forgotten that? My brain is blowing so hot these days that it must be melting.
I need to cool it. Literally. I’m getting so far ahead of myself that I’ve disappeared from my own view.
“Anyway, I’ll just go and wait at the front door in case he decides to come and is looking for us,” I say casually, making it clear I don’t care if the guy joins us or not.
I go to the door, trying not to run in the hall. It would suck if I didn’t make it there in time because Benjamin’s mom had to stop me and recite the school rule book. I get there at a fast walk and try to figure out the best place to stand so I can’t possibly miss him. Why wasn’t I more specific? The front of the school is huge and there are people everywhere. He could walk right by and think I stood him up!
Or…I could just calm the hell down. It’s just fries at the Supe with Ryan, not a date for the prom.
“Jackson!”
I spin so fast at the sound of Benjamin’s voice that I actually fall off the step.
“Oh, hi,” I say, sounding super cool as I cling to the railing so I don’t dramatically fall all the way down the cement staircase.
“I thought maybe I’d missed you guys. It’s busy out here,” he says cheerfully as I manage to pull myself up and into a standing position. I lean casually on the railing.
“Yeah, well it’s a pretty big school.”
“My last school was about three times this size, but we had staggered entry so everyone wasn’t cramming the stairs at the same time.” Three times this size. He must think we’re so pathetically “small town.” And I’m taking him to the Supe, which will just reinforce the image of this being a total backwoods.
“This place must feel small to you.”
“I guess. But it’s not too bad.”
“Not too good either?”
“Time will tell.” He smiles, and I almost fall down the step again.
“Hey, Benjamin.” Ryan appears at the top of the ramp beside where we’re standing.
“Hey, Ryan. Do you need any help with that?”
“Nope, I’m good. Meet you at the bottom.” He wheels down the ramp fast enough that it looks like it might be fun.
We walk down the stairs, much more slowly because we’re behind a bunch of kids who are stopping every two seconds to show each other things on their phones. We don’t bother trying to talk until we get clear of the school and are on the sidewalk heading downtown.
“So how much does living in Thompson Mills suck?” Ryan asks. Benjamin laughs.
“Oh, it’s not so terrible. I was just pissed that I had to come here in senior year. I was in my last school all the way through, so it would have been nice to graduate with my friends. I thought my dad might save me by staying behind, but he decided to take a sabbatical and come with us, so here I am.”
“I imagine our grad will be pathetic compared to what your school would have done.”
“I don’t even know what they’re doing for grad. What do you guys do here?”
“Oh, it’s really exciting. There’s a ceremony and then a dance in the school gym.”
“Oh. Well, I think there’s a little more to it back home, but that’s all good. Maybe they’ll have fired my mom by then and I’ll be back there.”
Benjamin grins. Ryan smiles back. I just keep walking while trying to ignore the cheerful way he talks about leaving. Of course he would want to go back home. He’s probably the most popular guy in his school. I have to stop twisting myself up about some guy who most likely loves the ladies and has a string of them waiting for him.
“So, here’s downtown,” I announce as we turn onto the originally named Main Street. Benjamin glances down the street, appearing extremely underwhelmed.
“Well, you did warn me,” he says.
“It just gets better. I think Charlie is working today.”
“Oh, great. I always love those burnt burgers from old Char Char,” Ryan says, making a face. “The Supe has two cooks. Stevie, who kind of sucks, and Charlie, who really sucks and thinks everything needs to be cooked until it’s crispy. Even the oatmeal.”
“Sounds great.”
We get to the restaurant, and Benjamin opens the door and holds it for Ryan because our really advanced town doesn’t have those automatic door openers anywhere but at the community center. We go inside and head for a booth at the back. Mom sees us right away and gives me a little wave.
“That’s your mom? She’s pretty,” Benjamin says. I’m surprised. I’ve never thought of her as pretty. I’ve never thought of her as not pretty either. I just think of her as Mom.
I stare at her for a second. She has her pink uniform on with the white running shoes that she says are the only thing that keep her feet from dying. Her black hair is tied back with a pink ribbon to match the uniform. I watch her smile at a customer, her dark eyes crinkling a bit at the corners as she laughs a little at something he says. He’s an old guy who comes here all the time. There’s a bunch of them who hang out in the restaurant every day, just for something to do. They all love my mother because she’s so nice to them and remembers their names and what they like to eat. Watching her now, I realize that she probably seems like a young girl to them, and they likely think she’s flirting. She finishes serving the old guy and comes over to our table.
“Hi, sweetheart. Hello, Ryan. Fries and burgers?” She looks at us and then over at Benjamin. “Hello.” She looks at me, eyebrows raised. Right. Introduce the guy.
“Hi, I’m Benjamin. New in town. These guys took pity on me and are showing me around.” Benjamin beats me to it with his usual level of class and style. My mom looks impressed.
“There’s not much showing to be done, I’m afraid. There’s just Main Street and the bridge.” She glances at me quickly as she says that last word. She doesn’t really like to think about the bridge much and obviously wishes she hadn’t accidentally let the word out.
“Is Charlie on today?” Ryan asks, pulling her gaze over to him and changing the subject before it can even turn into one.
“Unfortunately, yes. So, just fries might be safer. Or maybe even just soda?”
“We’ll risk the fries, Mrs. Pedersen. Thanks.”
We sit back to wait. Benjamin looks around the room.
“There aren’t too many people like me in this town, are there?” he asks.
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I freeze for a few seconds, wondering what he means by that. Does he mean there aren’t too many guys with long hair around here? Or is he talking about people who wear clothes that aren’t made out of denim or flannel? I know there aren’t many guys around here with dark chocolatey eyes that sparkle like miniature stars every time they smile, but I’m guessing that is not what he’s talking about.
I know what I wish he was saying…the one thing that I’m afraid to even think about because it would be really wonderful and absolutely terrifying at the same time.
“What do you mean?” Ryan asks him, which is a more practical approach than sitting here like a zombie while my brain goes into hyperdrive.
“I mean, I’ve only seen one other Asian person since I got here, and that was at the gas station before you actually get to town.”
Now we both stare at him. I can feel the breath I didn’t even know I was holding come whooshing out as I totally deflate.
Asian?
“That’s Henry. He owns the place,” Ryan says.
“Henry. That’s a good Chinese name. Almost as good as Benjamin.” He watches us watching him for a second and then laughs. “I’m half Chinese. My dad came here from China when he was in his twenties. That’s where the Lee comes from. Pretty common surname in his world. Benjamin comes from my mom’s side.”
I stare at him, wondering why I hadn’t noticed both sides of his personal equation before when it’s so obvious now that he’s pointed it out. Ryan pokes me, and I finally look away.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to stare.” I can feel the blush starting. Great. Now my mom will come back and see my face and ask questions when we get home.
“It’s okay. I guess I do lean toward my mom’s looks.”
“Do you speak Chinese?” Ryan asks.
“Dui. That’s Mandarin, which I can speak fairly well on a good day. I started going to Saturday Mandarin school when I was five. My dad and grandparents both speak Cantonese as well, but I only know a few words.”
“That’s still pretty impressive,” Ryan says.
I’m just sitting here listening, trying to get my cheeks to settle down before my mom comes back.
“There are two main languages that most people here know about. There are a couple billion people in China though, so there are all kinds of different dialects and languages there. It’s an amazing place. We went last summer, and I couldn’t believe how many people there were everywhere you go. I met like a gazillion relatives.”
“Here you go, boys,” Mom says, putting three plates of fries in front of us and pulling a bottle of ketchup out of her pocket. We all thank her like good little boys. She smiles and goes off to charm the other customers.
We start shoving fries down our throats, eating fast so we don’t notice the three-day-old grease that they were obviously fried in.
“Oh, the other thing I was wondering about is…” Benjamin pauses as he pours some more ketchup on his plate, “where are all the gay guys?”
I swallow without remembering to chew and immediately start to choke on a fry. Lucky for me, the extra grease helps it slide the rest of the way down so Super Ryan doesn’t have to do the Heimlich on me.
“Pardon?” I say, gasping and coughing while Ryan just watches without bailing me out. He’s smiling slightly as if he’s enjoying the show.
“The gay guys. I need someone to take to grad if we’re still here.” Benjamin grins.
“Oh, didn’t I tell you? Benjamin is gay. He told me that during English class.” Ryan increases the wattage on his smile until I really want to put it out with my fork.
“No, I think I would have remembered that.”
Benjamin takes a quick glance around the room again and then looks directly at me.
“So, I can’t be the only one. No town is that small.”
I look over at Ryan, who’s still lighting up the restaurant with his grin, and then back at Benjamin, who obviously doesn’t have gaydar or he would know that there is at least one rumor about me that’s true. Or maybe he does know and is just playing with me. Either way, I have a decision to make here. I take a deep breath.
“It definitely feels that small sometimes. I’m the only gay guy I’ve ever met here. Until now, I guess.” I try a smile that I’m pretty sure is as awkward as it feels.
Benjamin stares directly into my eyes as his grin morphs into his trademark smile, gold flecks sparkling until they drown out Ryan’s grinning face and everything else in the room.
My heart is beating so fast that I’m sure everyone can hear it. My head is buzzing with a thousand thoughts all blended together so that I can’t think at all. I see my mother coming across the room and one thought manages to make it through to the surface.
I hope to God she didn’t hear Benjamin just announce that he’s gay.
Ryan and Benjamin spend the rest of our time together talking about inconsequential, boring stuff like TV and sports and homework. We walk partway home together and say good-bye casually, as if nothing monumentally important just happened that could possibly change life as I know it. I walk the rest of the way home in a daze, my mind still whirling around in dozens of different directions at the same time.
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I message Clare the minute I get into my room so that I can talk this out before my head explodes and makes a big mess on the floor.
“But what are the odds that the only other gay guy in town would happen to end up being interested in me?”
“Don’t worry about that.”
“But that’s the biggest thing to worry about. It’s like, what if you went to an all girls’ school and suddenly there was a guy there? Would you fall for him just because he was the only guy?” Clare looks at me and laughs.
“I don’t think that’s the same scenario. He might be the only guy, but I’d have a lot of competition in a school full of girls. I might not even get a chance to look at him.”
I think for a second. She’s right. It’s not the same thing. I wouldn’t have any competition at our school. At least not that I know of. But that’s the problem. It’s like buying cere
al that you don’t particularly like just because it’s the only box left on the shelf. You eat it because it’s the only thing available, not because you actually want it.
“But that’s the point. I wouldn’t want him to pick me because I’m the only box of cereal on the shelf.” Clare gives me a confused look.
“Um…sure, no one would want that. Jack, you’re seriously overthinking this. Nothing changes now that you know he’s gay. You still need to get to know him, see if there’s anything there.”
“Oh, there’s something there. I can’t stop thinking about him. Every time I see him at school my hands sweat and my stomach starts jumping around.”
“That’s sweet. It’s called chemistry.”
“I don’t even know if he feels any chemistry.”
“It would still be pretty sweet to have a friend who’s gay in town, no matter what else might come of it.”
“I guess that’s true. I don’t know. But this is so scary. I mean, I don’t want to let myself like him and dream about him if there’s no hope of anything more. But I’m not sure I can stop.”
“But liking him and dreaming about him is the fun part. Watching him in the halls. Looking forward to talking to him.”
“I’m already doing that, but I’m not so sure it’s fun. It’s pretty terrifying.”
“That’s okay. I was scared Ryan wasn’t going to like me.”
“Seriously? The guy is crazy about you. I’m pretty sure he was more scared that you wouldn’t like him. The way I’m scared Benjamin could never like me.”
“How can he not? You’re smart, talented, and gorgeous! Those big brown eyes and that curly hair. Any guy would be lucky to have you!” I can see why Ryan’s obsessed with her. She’s beautiful and observant. Ha, ha.
“Yeah, well, if I liked girls, I’d be giving Ryan a run for his money.”
“Listen to you, all flirty. Try some of that with Benjamin and he’ll be all over you.”
“Yeah, right. I have no idea if he’s interested in me at all.”
“He told you he wants to be friends.”
“I guess. Listen, I’ll let you go. But I really appreciate that you’re talking to me about this stuff.”