by Kira Graham
“Oral. Sometimes. And while I like a good blow job just as much as the next guy, it’s not enough. I want a real relationship, which she says we can have once we get married.”
I gape. I mean…okay. I get that Mindy is super into her beliefs and all that malarkey, but come on. It’s not the eighteen freaking hundreds, and women all over the world are having sex before marriage. Look, I respect the no-sex-before-marriage thing, I really do, but if that’s your bag, then I’d have to say that you need to choose a man less…like Nate. He’s obviously not a virgin, and from the things I saw when I walked into the bathroom by accident one time, he is more than equipped for sex. It just doesn’t seem okay with me that she’d expect things to move that fast.
“That’s, uh…interesting?” I try, not knowing what to say.
She’s his girlfriend, so calling her a freak wouldn’t exactly be PC, even though I really want to.
“It’s bullshit. When we first started dating, I told her that I was in this for more than sex, but that if we got closer, I would eventually want it. I’ve waited months now, and while the emotional part is good, the other stuff isn’t exactly easy. I don’t want to sound like a pig or some sex-crazed idiot, but there has to be a progression, you know? We’ve dated, she was there with me through my injury, and she’s supportive of me. That part is good and strong, and it isn’t something that I want to just throw away. But…”
“But intimacy is important, and when all you have is intermittent, unsatisfying experiences, it seems to make things feel forced,” I finish for him, smiling when he gapes and nods his head.
“How did you know?”
“Sex therapist masquerading as an ad exec, because it would kill my mom if she found out that I talk about sex all day,” I admit ruefully, clanking spoons with him. “Look, I understand that part, but from the way it sounds, there’s more. What’s really going on, Nate?”
He sighs, and for a few minutes, he doesn’t speak at all, before he finally meets my eyes and shakes his head.
“Do you see me as less of a man because of the leg?” he asks, shocking me speechless.
“Hell, no. The fact that you survived that and still live a life, in the way that you do, makes me respect you even more. Why? Did she say something like that? Because I will kick her ass,” I warn him, for a moment completely overlooking my huge tits and growing belly.
I could still take her. Totally. I’ll just bring a gun as backup.
“No, but…when she does, uh, ya know…”
“Performs oral sex on you,” I fill in, smiling when he flushes.
“She keeps the blanket over that leg. And, uh, she won’t let me…”
“Go down on her,” I conclude, my therapist’s mind working.
With every case, things are different, and whereas I’d give advice and support to one patient in one way, another might require the complete opposite sometimes. It’s not an exact science, not when it comes to emotions and the psychology that comes with physical intimacy. What I do know, however, is that it sounds as if Nate isn’t feeling wanted or needed. It also sounds like he may have a point, because performing oral sex on someone isn’t always about intimacy, but rather—sometimes, at least—about a task that needs doing. And people don’t want to feel like you’re touching them as some sort of chore, so yeah, I know exactly where Nate is coming from.
“Yeah. And I want to. Before this”—he motions toward his leg—“I liked dating and casual sex, but I was at the point where commitment was becoming a real possibility. Because I want something more, ya know? Like Zeus and Rosetta have. They fight and argue, and they’re not exactly stable all the time, but they love each other, and you know it, because they can’t keep their hands off each other. I caught them fucking in the bathroom at your parents’ place last week, and you know what I thought?”
“That’s disgusting and unnatural, and I need to acid-bath my eyeballs in chlorine?” I ask, giggling when he smirks.
“I thought—I want that. I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t into me enough to screw in public places. It sounds weird, but I want someone who can’t resist me, and as much as I adore Mindy, I don’t think that that’s her,” he finishes sadly.
“Then you need to tell her that, Nate. You need to tell her and be honest, for both her sake and yours. Don’t get stuck in something that’s obligatory.”
“She was with me through all the hospital bullshit, and—”
“And you feel like if you break things off, it’s going to look like you were using her,” I sigh, my mouth twisting with sympathy.
“Yeah, but I wasn’t! I even thought about asking her to move in before this happened, you know. It was great. Then…I dunno,” he says with a shrug, his eyes dropping down to his spoon. “It’s just not progressing anywhere. Unless I decide to make an unbreakable commitment.”
And that isn’t something to be done lightly, I think, my mind going to Chilli. Maybe I’m being unfair to him when I think about where we are right now. I’m pregnant, and we’re sort of in a relationship that is…good. It is good. Chilli calls, we talk, he comes over, and we spend time together, which more often than not leads to sex. All of that is good, and a lot more than what Nate has, so why do I still feel so…unsettled?
“That you aren’t ready to make,” I point out. “And that doesn’t make you a bad person, Nate. Relationships are a progression, a learning curve that is different for everyone. I’ve met women and men who’ve been together for years without marriage. Without breaking confidentiality here, I’ll tell you that I have one couple who both agree that marriage isn’t in the cards for them. Not because they don’t love each other, but because what they have is more than enough. Then, I have couples who’ve been married, some for a decade or longer, and who have lost the spark that seems to have lit the fire of their relationships. No one is the same, but what we all have in common is the fact that we are all different, if that makes sense.”
“And I get that. Hell, I like being different, and I love that aspect most about all you crazy Sweetharts. It’s great to meet someone who loves you and understands your boundaries and weird little needs. Look at Adonis and Cleo. He wants a wedding right now, while she’s been sabotaging it for months, and yet he just keeps smiling through it all. When I see that, and I think about me and Mindy, I just don’t think that it’s the same.”
And it must be killing him, because I know Nate, and he’s the kind of guy who keeps working at things and never quits. Maybe, I think, that’s something about him that is both good and bad. A never-die attitude is great, but sometimes, you just have to accept that it’s over.
“Then you need to end it, and do it before things get messy, my friend. I know you love Mindy, and I know that she loves you, too, but when you’re in a relationship, it has to be about you just as much as the other person. Compromise is key, and if Mindy can’t offer that, then no amount of time is going to change how you feel,” I tell him softly.
This is the part that I hate about my job, and the part that is made even harder when I talk to people I love. I don’t want to influence them, but sometimes advice has to come with a dose of reality instead of a subtle nudge here and there.
“But doesn’t that sound awful, Al? I’m essentially breaking up with her because we aren’t having sex.”
“Are you? Tell me something, Nate, is it the lack of sex that’s getting to you, or is it something else? Be brutally honest with me, and with yourself. What we talk about here will go no further than this apartment and this moment, I promise you.”
Nate sighs and leans back in his chair, the grimace on his face spurring me to stand up, grab our bowls, and hand him his cane. I allow him to think as we move to the living room, and keep silent even when we’re settled, waiting for him to give my question some real thought.
“When I was younger, I had a girlfriend, just out of high school. Her name was Lydia Anne, and I swear, I think I fell for her the moment we met. Now, it wasn’t so muc
h that we were together-together, because, like I’ve told you, I haven’t ever really had a true girlfriend.”
“Were you together for more than two or three months? Because, if so, that makes her your girlfriend,” I point out, smiling when he grins and shakes his head.
“It wasn’t like that, exactly. We met right after I’d enlisted, and had a couple of hot and heavy sessions here and there. Nothing that went all the way, but heck, I was seventeen—an early graduate, I guess—and she was the same age and still in school. As much of a horny teen as I was, when she told me that she wasn’t ready, I backed off, even though I knew that I was shipping out soon.”
“So, what happened? You break up?” I ask, balancing the tub of ice cream on my belly and stretching my feet out to rest them in his lap.
“Opposite. It made us both see that our time was limited. And yet, even then, I didn’t push her. I got shipped out, and instead of breaking things off, Lyd said that she’d wait for me to come back, and wait she did. We sent letters, had a few calls, things like that, and by the time that I got back stateside, let me tell ya, I was ready as hell to be with her.”
“Please do not tell me that she still held out,” I groan, my sex brain screaming at the thought.
Nate laughs and shakes his head, and I watch the soft, tender look that fills his eyes when he thinks back on his youth.
“Naw. By then, she was as ready as I was, and we practically killed each other in a cheap hotel room in our hometown. Best night of my pathetic life, let me tell ya, and even if things didn’t last, which they were bound not to, I have always been grateful to that girl. She taught me that life isn’t just about settling in. You can still be a good guy even if half your life is spent waking away, as mine was when I was serving.”
“How did things end?” I ask, interested now because he grimaces and shrugs in that same way that Chilli does.
It must be a male thing to try to make light of something that really gets to you. Huh.
“She met a guy when she went off to college. Said that we weren’t really in a relationship, and since I was always leaving, I couldn’t blame her for wanting someone who would stay.”
“That bitch,” I hiss in solidarity, using my foot to stroke his leg.
“Nah. She was right. I was just sort of going through shit with her, you know? I was married to my job, and in love with adventure and danger at the time. If I’d been stationed somewhere more hospitable, I’d have screwed around on her without thinking twice.”
“Pig,” I grunt, gigging when he grins and rolls his eyes.
“I was nineteen years old, Alex, and as randy as the next guy. I wanted to fight the good fight, and screw, and that’s all that mattered to me. To be blunt, Lydia became less of someone I loved, and more like a convenient someone to hang on to. It wasn’t fair to her, and it was worse for me, because I hated not loving her. Her walking away was the best thing for her and for me…in any case, I eventually lost the thrill for getting IED scares and having bullets shot at me all the time. So I opted out, came back home, and focused on working in security. It’s a good fit—”
“Wait, wait, wait—are you telling me that in all the time that you’ve been a civvie, you haven’t had one girlfriend or something even close to a relationship?” I cut in, my eyes closing when he nods and gives me a questioning look.
“Oh my God, Nate, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I think that this thing with Mindy is more about a rebound after Lydia than anything else.”
“No way. That was like ten years ago.”
“Ten years during which you distracted yourself with work and kept busy. Now you’re back, your security company is doing well, thanks to the Harts, and all of a sudden, you found yourself at loose ends. Tell me this—did you and Mindy start dating because you really wanted a relationship, or because you thought that it was the right next step?”
I already know the answer to that one, so it comes as no surprise when he grunts and grimaces.
“She’s beautiful and sweet and independent. She’s any man’s perfect match,” he says defends.
“Not true. She’s any man who doesn’t want sex’s perfect match. Would you be okay with everything she wants if you two were having sex?” I ask next, a question I consider a nail in the coffin, especially when he goes still and then flops his head back onto the couch, using one hand to scrub at his face.
“Dammit. No. I don’t want to get married right now, and not to Mindy. I love her, and I always will, but not…enough to see us married and having babies.”
“Then, you know.”
Even as I tell him this, I feel my chest go tight, because I realize that I know a few things, too. Things that my questions to Nate are forcing me to face. I see myself with Chilli, and not just in the near future, but far into it as well. I see more kids, holidays spent with family, and vacations abroad. I see it all with him, but whereas Nate feels panic when it comes to picturing that ever-coveted wedding ring, I myself am left wanting it.
And so the question that I’m asking myself right now is not whether I want those things, because I do, but if, unlike Nate, I can accept what Chilli has to offer, even if it doesn’t include what I want.
I don’t know the answer to that question, and, more importantly, I don’t think I want to.
Chapter Eleven
Achilles
I hear a whistle coming from my door and turn my eyes away from the ring I’m staring at to see Adonis and Zeus standing there, both with grins on their faces.
“That’s one good-looking ring you have there, Chilli boy. You planning to do something with that rock, or do you just like the way it looks on your pinky?” Zeus asks, flopping onto the couch with a full-bodied yawn that makes me think of the shit that I hear through Alex’s walls.
“I plan to think about using it, asshole. What the hell’s wrong with you?” I ask, replacing the ring in the box and snapping it closed with more relief than I want to feel.
Tossing it into the drawer, I shut it away and immediately feel a lessening of tension—and also a sense of disappointment. I wanted to look at the ring and feel the same excitement that Adonis felt when he got one for Cleo. I can now say, however, with no small measure of disgust, that I don’t. I don’t feel excited or happy or anything of the sort. I feel…afraid.
“Rosetta’s on a baby mission ever since she saw Alex’s belly. Not that I’m complaining, since it entails all the things that I love best about marriage, and life, and—well, every day of my life with Rose, but a man’s gotta sleep, too. How the hell she gets up, bounces out of bed, and works a full day without a nap is just a mystery,” Zeus whines, yawning so widely that I hear his jaw crack.
“Cleo’s the opposite. If I so much as nudge her toe while she’s sleeping, she bites. Like a rabid animal. So sexy,” Adonis says tenderly, his expression filled with affection.
Lovesick fucking sap.
Alex doesn’t move when she sleeps. It’s like watching a dead person in repose, and not at all cute. One time, I got so scared when she didn’t move for twenty minutes that I did nudge her. Nothing. The woman literally loses all consciousness when her eyes close, something that I don’t think is normal. Maybe it’s the babies?
“How’s Alex?” Zeus asks, his eyes closed and his arms folded across his chest—until Adonis rolls his eyes, sighs, and grabs the throw off the couch in order to cover him.
God help us, the man is like a baby when he’s tired, and can’t settle down unless he’s as snug as a bug in a rug. Mom says that it’s his wanting to nest and be warm when he sleeps. And it’s true that Zeus can sleep under the covers in one-hundred-degree heat—and does.
“Good. Her practice picked up three new referrals, so, according to her, we’re in the money,” I snort, wondering when it’s going to occur to her that I am in the money already.
A lot of money.
“These women are so freaking weird. Even Rosetta thinks of herself as having to live paycheck to payche
ck. I think they like not having tons of money.”
“Not Cleo,” Adonis snorts, his eyes twinkling with delight. “She spends money a lot. Like a lot. Thank fuck I have a lot of it.”
“I didn’t say that Rosetta doesn’t spend my money. Just that she doesn’t spend hers,” Zeus cuts in, his chuckles turning to sleepy snuffles that have both Adonis and me grinning.
“So basically, she maxes out the black card you gave her,” I drawl.
Zeus just shrugs, and then snuggles more deeply into the couch.
“Doesn’t have a limit, loser, but it’s not like I mind. She likes lingerie. Which is basically like her buying gifts for me.”
Yeah. I would agree. If the woman buying all that silky stuff was Alex.
“How are the kids?” Adonis asks, rolling his eyes as a snore rumbles its way out of a slack-mouthed Zeus.
“Good? I don’t know. Alex seems to be doing better lately, and the doctor says that her scans are great.”
Is it okay for me to admit that I am shitting myself on and off about having two kids at the same time? I watched a movie the other night with Jennifer Lopez as some mom who had in vitro fertilization using some stranger’s sperm, and I was not impressed. Two of everything is a lot of shit to get for two tiny little babies, and then there’s the whole room thing. Where the hell is Alex going to fit two babies, when Nate lives with her and has no intention of ever leaving? Since, according to him, he’ll sleep on the couch for the rest of his life, but he will never, ever leave Alex—because, as they both put it, he’s her apartment husband.
I am not sure that I like the way that sounds. In fact, I’m sure that I don’t. They’re too close.
“That’s great, man. Cleo says that she talks to Alex every other day, or whenever Alex deigns to answer texts. She must be really tired right now, though wait—isn’t she in her second trimester? What is she now, five months?”
“Yeah, or somewhere around there. The doctor says that it’s not that cut and dried with twins, though. It’s their size and development that they’re looking at, not at how big Alex gets,” I say, pinching the bridge of my nose, because this is something else that I worry about constantly.