why girls don't tell their parents
Ten minutes before the last bell, and I was winding up my discussion with ninth-grade girls at Linden. Papers were rustling like leaves, bodies were starting to wriggle and fidget. "Okay!" I said, a little louder than I meant to. "One more question." I asked them if they talk to their parents about bullying, or when a girl is mean to them.
A ripple of "No way!" and "Yeah, right" crested through the room, followed by snorts, muttering, and one girl spitting up her soda.
"Right," I said coolly, trying to look unfazed. "Why? Really," I said cheerfully. "Come on, you guys."
Mollie piped up, "You can disappoint your parents if you're not friends with everyone."
"You don't want your parents to think badly of your friend because you'd get over it," Lydia added. "You want to stand up for your friend because they reflect you."
"Oh yeah!" Reena cackled. "My mother will go, 'I never liked that friend of yours anyway!'"
"Totally," murmured a voice in the corner.
"My mom's a dork. She says, 'Oh, I'll be your friend,'" Lauren said.
"I don't want to tell her if she thinks I'm wrong. If she's not on my side, it's like I failed and it's terrible because your parents are supposed to be on your side."
"I don't want my friends and my parents against me."
And on and on.
Most girls don't tell their parents what's going on in a bullying situation. That's not a sex difference, either; bullying is a deeply humiliating experience for every child. Since alternative aggressions lack a public identity, however, the burden of silence may be heavier. Some girls may not be able to identify what they're experiencing as wrong or punishable. Instead, they may internalize the problem as their fault and never speak of it.
A child might also feel that since there are no rules prohibiting the behavior, and so much of it slips beneath the radar of teachers, that it's somehow not worth mentioning or pursuing. Faith, an eighthgrade teacher in Ridgewood who as a student attempted suicide when her friends abandoned her, was too embarrassed to tell her mother what was happening. "I didn't think my mama had went through all this because she never told me about any of it. I didn't want her to know all this because it was really embarrassing telling your mom that a girl was picking on you and bullying you and stuff."
Talking with your children about alternative aggressions is absolutely critical. If you indicate to your child in a nonjudgmental way that you know what goes on at school—that on some level you "get" the hidden culture of girls' aggression—she will feel safe showing you its darkest corners. Be casual: Do it in the car on the way home, in the kitchen before a meal, or during a commercial while watching television. Asking leading questions can help:
When girls are mean in your class, what kinds of things do they do?
Does the teacher see it when it's happening? Why or why not? How does she react?
Are some girls more secretive about their meanness? How?
Can friends be mean to each other? How?
It helps to introduce your questions in the third person. It will give your child the chance to acclimate to talking with you about it.
Girls are socialized to care for others, so they often hold their feelings in to shield others from the weight of their pain—hence the spike in depression, self-mutilation, and anorexia that can accompany the loss of self-esteem around adolescence. Stephanie, whose silence left an ulcer in her stomach, explained, "I didn't want [my parents] to worry more. I didn't want them to think that I was a freak who couldn't, like, make the grade."
Once I got them going, the over three hundred girls I met individually and in groups spoke passionately about what their parents did wrong when it came to helping them. Here are some of the most common responses of parents to their daughters' ordeals, followed by what many girls say they'd prefer (with my own two cents thrown in for good measure).
fault lines: what not to say
WRONG: "It's a phase" or "It happens to everyone, honey."
This remark is meant to soothe, but it ends up trivializing your daughter's pain. It says, "You're a dime a dozen," when she feels just the opposite—that her pain is the worst she's ever felt, that she is surely the first to feel it this intensely, that she is the only one who's ever endured something so horrible. It may indeed be a phase, but she doesn't know that. This comment only underscores for her how little you get what she's dealing with.
A lot of parent-child communication surrounding bullying is like the children's game of Operator. What sounds like "It happens to everyone" out of your mouth might sound like "It happens to losers like you" in her ears. One of the most common reasons girls don't tell is because of the shame they feel for failing to perform socially. If girls' social identities are built on their relational skills, isolation is a disaster. The feeling of failure is only increased by comments that trivialize what they're going through.
BETTER: "Oh, honey. That is so terrible. I'm sorry."
Honor your child's pain as though she were the first to experience it. At the same time, tell her about alternative aggressions. As many parents are well aware, you can tell your child something and she'll turn up her nose, and when she hears it from someone else, she'll nod effusively. Explain what researchers have found. Explain that she is not alone.
ADD: "It happened to me."
Did it? Can you remember? If you can connect to the feelings you had as an adolescent, your daughter is far more likely to keep listeing and believe you. But don't overdo it: some kids told me they hated it when their mothers insisted they knew exactly how they were feeling. "My mother says, 'I know how you feel,' but she doesn't," they said. "Things are different now." This is especially true in the age of cyberbullying. If you did not grow up in a world where aggression was unleashed at the speed of a text or e-mail, there is indeed a gulf between you and your daughter's childhood experiences.
WRONG: "I never liked that friend of yours anyway." Also known as "Why are you hanging out with her/them to begin with?" and "How many times do I have to tell you [fill in the blank]?"
Ever date someone your friends didn't like? Remember when they told you how wrong the person was for you? Did you say, "Oh, that's right! Thank you so much!" and dump him? The same is true for your daughter. Sure, she's hanging out with girls you may think are terrible, but she's not going to figure it out until she's ready, and you may have little to do with it when she does. At this point, it's wise to remember girls' fear of relational loss and that your child is probably looking for a way to heal the relationship, not to end it.
On-again, off-again friendships can drive parents insane, and rightly so. Depending on the day, your daughter is either thrilled or tortured, and you are a mostly helpless passenger on her roller coaster ride. Become too angry or frustrated, and your daughter may begin hiding what's happening. If she disconnects, she is that much more vulnerable.
BETTER: Take a deep breath, and try to walk the line between responding as a parent and as a friend: as a parent, you have the right to convey your unhappiness about the way your daughter is being treated, and to weigh in about what a healthy friendship looks like. At the same time, to avoid alienating your daughter, exercise caution with your judgment as a friend might. At a certain point, girls may choose toxic friends over their disapproving parents. Remember: you want her to stay connected to you.
Sometimes, the most you can do is ask questions that push her to reflect on her toxic relationship. Try some of these:
What are you looking for in a good friend? Does this person give you that?
Why do you think you are staying friends with someone who makes you feel this way?
When you allow her to [refer to a specific act], what message are you sending her about yourself?
When she [refer to a specific act], what message is she sending you about the kind of friend she is?
Keep in mind that at some point, your daughter will outgrow this friendship, or the other girl will simp
ly move on. As with all painful relationships, your daughter will come away with a powerful life lesson about friendship and intimacy. This is not much consolation right now, I know, but trust me that it will not be this way forever.
WRONG: "What could you be doing to cause this?"
If your daughter is being bullied or cast out of her social group, it is highly unlikely that anything she does or changes about herself is going to make a difference. There's often no rhyme or reason to the moment a girl or clique finally decides to get angry or even. If there is, it's usually not traceable to any one person's fault. Moreover, your daughter is probably already cataloging her faults with the efficiency of a computer. No matter what your intention, we have the Operator problem again. You say, "What can you change about yourself?" She hears, "My mother thinks it's my fault and there's something wrong with me."
Naomi believes her mother's interpretation of her problem as a social-skills issue left a second scar. "I wanted her to be a mother lion and protect me, to treat me as endangered and not as a kid with problems. I wanted her to see a greater, more immediate danger." She needed her mother to defend her, not question her. It's okay to ask for your daughter's contribution to a situation, but tread lightly. It should not rank in the first five of the questions you ask her when she tells you about the problem.
BETTER: "Do you want to brainstorm together about how we got here?"
The problem may not always be developmental. Remember Erin: all her friends repressed their problems with her, letting their anger simmer quietly for years until finally it exploded. Remembering the dynamics between herself and her friends helped Erin understand why their anger felt so disproportionate. Erin could see where she inspired anger, competition, and jealousy, and where her friends might have been afraid to talk about it or express anger. Working backward with your child by walking her through memories of tension may be similarly effective.
ALSO: Ask the school counselor or teacher.
Perhaps your daughter could improve her social skills; perhaps she's not responding to cues the right way and is drawing the ire of her peers. She may be too young or unaware to tell you that herself. Visit her guidance counselor or teacher for an evaluation. Research the resources that are available to help your family. Helping your daughter improve her social skills is another way to engage her in bettering her own situation. Asking how she may be triggering the behavior is not an inappropriate question, but as my mother always says, "It's not what you say, it's how you say it." Your approach should be balanced, respectful, and tender, one that reflects a mix of empathy for your child's pain and support for her social success.
WRONG: "This is the way girls are. You may as well get used to it."
Mothers who were once targets of girls' aggression often voice this sentiment. This is another instance in which the parent's experience may overwhelm the child's. No matter whom you're talking about, generalizing about a group of people never sets a positive example for your daughter. Teaching her to fear and hate other females is, of course, a mistake. There will always be challenging people in our lives. To suggest she give up the joys and comfort of female friendship will only hurt her more. Moreover, if you implicate all females in her situation, you imply that the relationship itself wasn't the problem, which is actually what your daughter needs to learn so she can find a healthier friendship the next time around.
BETTER: "Did you know that there is research about why some girls act in these ways when they get angry?"
Teach your daughter about how girls are socialized. Explain how many girls are denied permission to express anger, jealousy, and competitiveness openly, and how that affects the ways girls express themselves. This doesn't mean apologizing for aggressive behavior; it's about understanding where it comes from so she can feel less isolated or singled out in the experience.
Guide her to understand how conflict avoidance appears in all kinds of relationships, not just the bad ones. Help her identify her own fears of conflict, even her own acts of alternative aggression.
This is a good time to wax philosophical about love, loss, and relationship. Conflict is an inevitable and vital part of relationship. It is also the price of having intense connections: "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
WRONG: "She's just jealous."
This is one of parents' favorite things to say, but it doesn't connect with girls in middle school and up. It's often the case that the girl who bullies or hurts your daughter appears quite self-satisfied, attractive, powerful, or otherwise well-off. Jealousy is the last thing your daughter believes this girl would feel. She thinks, Why would someone who appears that strong and satisfied be jealous of me?
BETTER: "Why do you think she's doing this?"
If you ask this question of an adolescent, you might well get some version of "Um, if I knew that, I would have told you already" or "Because she hates me." That's okay. Keep pushing your daughter to consider why the girl is acting this way. Little by little, as she reflects, your daughter may realize it has less to do with her and more to do with the other girl. Or she may begin to see that the friendship is fundamentally broken. This kind of clarity can actually be a comfort.
WRONG: "Maybe you're being a little sensitive?" or "But you two are such good friends!"
As my grandmother would say, "Oy vey." It would be hard to overstate the resentment adult women still feel about this particular pearl of wisdom. You may think you're toughening up your daughter, teaching her to roll with the punches, but she experiences these remarks as a blatant denial of her feelings.
Naomi grew up in the kind of home where if she fell, her grandmother would laugh and say, "I hope you didn't break the floor!" When she told her parents how the others were whittling her down, they advised her to act as though it weren't happening. She recalled,
I couldn't cry about it. I couldn't ask for help. I couldn't fight back. I didn't have a right to defend myself. You couldn't show your pain. You couldn't react as if someone had done a really bad thing. There was this silence, this you can't speak. And I feel as though I have a right to nothing more than I have a right to my own feelings ... You have a right to do whatever you need to do to defend yourself and you have the right to feel dignity. I think that was the greatest thing that I feel was ever taken from me. And only now am I getting it back.
Remember that appearances can be deceiving. Girls easily tuck aggression into the folds of friendship, making it almost invisible. Your child's brief or casual disclosure may be the only warning you get. Faith explained how her bully's sweet exterior masked the girl's nastiness. "Nobody knew because Liz was like a straight A student, and they thought she was friends with all these people. Nobody knew what she'd do to some of her friends." If you find yourself arguing with your daughter, it wouldn't hurt to ask yourself why. After all, we see what we want to see. What do you have to gain or lose if your daughter is no longer friends with this person?
At the end of the day, if you weren't present for the episode your daughter is describing, calling her hypersensitive is unfair and judgmental. It's one of the clearest ways to signal you don't understand her or her life. It also perpetuates the silencing and invalidation of girls' aggression.
BETTER: "How can you tell they're not joking? Are you sure they really mean to make you feel this bad?"
If your child is recalling a situation her friends insisted was a "joke," beware. As I show in chapter three, girls use humor as a vehicle to convey negative feelings indirectly. It is also extremely common for a girl to do something hurtful, then deny it happened at all. This can make your daughter second-guess herself and even feel a bit crazy. As she lets the other girl define what is true in the relationship, she surrenders the confidence and authority she needs to stand up for herself.
In a culture that denies the anger and meanness girls visit upon one another, it is incumbent upon you as a parent to validate your child's version of events. You may be the only one who ever will. That's no
t to say you should overreact and overidentify with your child's painful disclosures. But you do have to take her word for it. If you don't, you may risk never hearing from her again.
beyond empathy: raising a resilient daughter
As much as the parental instinct blares to protect your child from pain, her healthy development is dependent on learning to handle life's challenges. The stresses of friendship help her learn vital coping skills she will use across a range of contexts and throughout her life. Depriving girls of these experiences, and of the opportunity to wrestle with them, does not eliminate stress; it delays its arrival, dangerously. As psychologist Madeline Levine has shown in her book The Price of Privilege, adolescents whose parents deprived them of opportunities to be self-reliant were unable to handle the challenges of adolescence. These teenagers had high levels of anxiety and depression. They were more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors like substance abuse and self-mutilation.80
Relationships are the fourth "R"—or should be, anyway. Just like math or spelling, successful friendships involve learning and practicing a set of skills that become more sophisticated over time. If we do not expect girls to arrive at kindergarten capable of adding fractions, we should not expect them to have flawless friendships from a young age. Girls have to learn, and we have to help them. This process takes time, not to mention some stumbles and missteps along the way. It also means giving girls the space to learn on their own. For just as we know that doing her math homework for her will stunt her learning potential, doing her "relationship homework" will be equally harmful.
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