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Acknowledgments
It would be hard to overstate how much this book owes its life to the help of others.
From the first moment we met, R. K. had faith in me and this project. She put her reputation on the line for me, opened doors for Odd Girl Out, and became a supervisor, confidante, and friend. Lynn Arons, Bernice Berke, Tamika Ford, Rabbi Reuven Greenwald, Marti Herskovitz, Rudy Jordan, Eloise Pasachoff, Rebecca Prigal, Sherie Randolph, Laura Rebell, Kate Sussman-Reimer, Joan Vander Walde, Toby Weinberger, and Claire Wurtzel provided me with the critical resources and access I needed to interview girls.
Stella Connell and Andrew Mullins believed in my project and led me to Ridgewood, where I had one of the most special experiences of my life. I am especially grateful to the Superintendent's staff, C. H., S. B., and M. V.; and the teachers of Ridgewood, M. F., P. P., S. P., and G. P., gave me as authentic a Southern experience as a woman could wish to have and friendships I will cherish for a lifetime.
For reasons I will never quite understand, the wonderful people at Harcourt never blinked when my brief residence at Twenty-sixth Street turned into a six-month stay. Their companionship eased the solitude of writing, and I am deeply grateful for their hospitality. For their support and hard work, I thank Susan Amster, Jennifer Gilmore, Jennifer Holiday, David Hough, Arlene Kriv, and Jacqueline Murphy. Kent Wolf provided me with much-needed comic relief during my stay. Jennifer Aziz was a brilliant editorial assistant and friend. Rachel Myers was a superb copyeditor.
I am grateful to an extraordinary group of friends and colleagues who supported me throughout this journey. Many of them reached out to their friends on my behalf and enabled the project to go forward. I wish to thank Elaine and Lydia Amerson, Peter Antelyes, Julie Barer, Jill Erlitz, Frances Fergusson, David Gmach and Sally Friedman, Zoe Holiday Grossman, Sula Harris, Jane Hanson, Judith Holiber and Kim Warsaw, Sandra Hershberg, Kari Hong, Karen Maxwell, Rhonda Kleiner and Alizah and Elana Lowell, Ilana Marcus, Terri McCullough and Howard Wolfson, Danielle Merida, Noa Meyer, Heather Muchow, Nancy Needle, Carmen Peralta, Sid Plotkin and Marjorie Gluck, Rose Polidoro, Elana Waksal Posner, Lisa Sacks, Robert and Stacy Skitol, Freyda Spira Slavin, Leigh Silverman, Taije Silverman, Elizabeth Stanley, Linsey and Kelly Tully, Diane Tunis, Annie Weissman, Susan Wellman and the Ophelia Project, and Rosalind Wiseman and Empower.
I thank Sameer Hinduja, Jane Isay, Lilly Jay, Kim Kaminski, and Julie Mencher for their insightful comments on sections of the revised edition. Parry Aftab and Brian Gatens provided wisdom and contacts for 2010 interviews, and Jenna Johnson skillfully edited the new chapters.
Special thanks to Abdul Aziz Said and the Center for Global Peace at American University; Paulette Hurwitz, whose generous care and counsel helped me find the strength to embrace risk; Molly Shanley, a steadfast friend, colleague, and mentor who talked me down from the proverbial ledge more times than I can count; Senator Charles Schumer and Iris Weinshall for their friendship and support; Sandy
Kavalier, who captured me perfectly in the photograph for this book; and Ashleigh May, Ilana Sichel, and Virginia Wharton, who provided me with excellent research assistance.
I will always be indebted to Maryana Iskander, who helped me make the hardest decision of my life and believed in me at every turn, especially when I didn't. It was over lunch in London that Jeremy Dauber became the first person to hear about a book on bullying and girls. Back in New York, on my most frantic days, he ministered carefully to my thinking and prose.
It is hard for me to put into words how much the support of my closest friends has meant. Maggie Bittel, Luke Cusack and Denis Guerin, Ellen Karsh, Astrid Koltun, Cathie Levine and Josh Isay, Lissa Skitol, and Daniella Topol are my family. The force of their faith, listening, love, and laughter guided me through every day of this challenge. I could not have survived it without them.
Odd Girl Out would not have been possible without the unflinching support of my family. My wise brother Joshua was my comic savior and the best friend I could call twenty times a day. My grandfather Bernard Simmons astonished me with his swift acceptance of the changes I made in my life, and he immediately became a devoted press secretary. My grandmother Lia Simmons peppered my computer screen with supportive instant messages and stuck bills in the mail with notes begging me to "stop eating burritos." My Bubby Frances Goldstein is a true inspiration, and my Aunt Sylvia Brodach never forgets me. Finally, my Uncle Bill Goldstein's support has been invaluable, and my inimitable cousins Sergei and Ziggy, who joined our family during the writing of this book, have made spirited additions to our family.
Finally, and most importantly, I thank the extraordinary group of women and girls who trusted me with their stories. I continue to be awed by your courageous voices. Above all, you are the ones who will show the readers of this book they are not alone. I hope your stories touch girls' lives as profoundly as you have touched mine, and that Odd Girl Out makes you proud to have spoken up.
Index
abandonment
fear of, [>], [>]–[>], [>]–[>], [>], [>]–[>], [>]
response to, [>], [>], [>], [>], [>], [>]
See also alliance building; cliques; loss
Abby (student), [>]–[>]
abuse, recognizing/accepting, [>], [>], [>], [>], [>]–[>], [>]–[>]
academic performance, [>], [>], [>], [>], [>]
acceptance, desire for, [>], [>], [>], [>], [>], [>]
activities, as coping strategy for targets, [>]–[>], [>]–[>]
administrators, school, [>]–[>], [>], [>], [>]–[>], [>]–[>]
advertising, [>], [>]
African American girls, [>]–[>], [>]–[>], [>], [>]–[>]
aggression
expressing effectively, [>]
female, myths about, [>], [>], [>]–[>], [>], [>]
as normal, accepting, [>]–[>], [>], [>]
sexting as, [>]
and social values, [>]–[>]
talking about, [>]–[>]
types of, [>]
using social media, [>], [>]
See also girl bullying
Alexis (student), [>]
Alisa (student), [>]–[>]
Alison (student), [>]–[>]
Alix (student), [>]
Alizah (student), [>]–[>], [>]
alliance building
and cliques, [>]–[>], [>]
and desire to "fit in," [>]–[>]
ganging up, [>]–[>], [>]–[>]
and middlegirls, [>]–[>]
physical fights, [>]
using social media, [>]–[>], [>]–[>]
See also popularity
Allison, Dorothy, [>]
alternative aggressions. See girl bullying
Amanda (student), [>]–[>]
Amber (student), [>]
Amber (teacher), [>]
American Association of University Women, [>], [>]–[>], [>]
AOL Instant Messenger (AIM), [>], [>], [>], [>]
Amy (student), [>], [>], [>]–[>]
Andra (student), [>]
Andrea (mother), [>]–[>]
Angela (student), [>]
anger
allowing and expressing, [>], [>], [>]–[>], [>]–[>], [>], [>]–[>], [>], [>], [>]
in boys vs. girls, [>], [>], [>]–[>]
expressing indirectly, [>]–[>], [>]–[>], [>], [>]–[>], [>], [>]–[>]
and girl fights, [>]–[>]
hiding/denying, [>]–[>], [>]–[>], [>]–[>], [>]–[>], [>]–[>], [>], [>]–[>]
from parents, [>]–[>]
triggers, [>]–[>], [>]–[>], [>]–[>], [>]–[>], [>], [>]
See also parents and guardians
Anne (friend), [>]–[>], [>], [>], [>]
Annie (student), [>], [>]–[>], [>], [>], [>]
anonymous messages, [>], [>], [>], [>]–[>], [>]–[>]
anti-bullying policies and programs, [>], [>], [>]–[>], [>]–[>]
"anti-girl," characteristics of, [>]
anxiety
about friendship and social networking, [>]
about relationships/popularity, [>], [>], [>], [>], [>], [>]–[>]
among educators, [>]–[>]
among parents, [>], [>], [>], [>]
panic attacks, [>], [>]
and social media, [>]–[>], [>]–[>], [>]–[>], [>], [>]
apologies, [>], [>]–[>], [>], [>], [>], [>]
Ashley (student), [>]–[>], [>], [>], [>]–[>]
assertiveness
class and race differences in, [>]
encouraging, valuing, [>], [>], [>], [>]
hostility toward, [>], [>]–[>], [>]–[>]
and societal vulnerability, [>]
associates vs. friends, [>]–[>]
Astrid (student), [>], [>]
Atwood, Margaret, [>]–[>]
authenticity, authentic relationships, [>]–[>], [>], [>], [>]–[>], [>], [>]
backbiting, backstabbing, [>], [>], [>]
Bank, Pam (administrator), [>], [>]
Barbara (mother), [>], [>]–[>]
battered women, [>]
Becca (student), [>]–[>], [>]
Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children (Thompson et al.), [>]
Beth (student), [>]
Bittel, Maggie, [>]–[>]
blame, [>], [>]–[>], [>]–[>], [>]–[>], [>]–[>]. See also self-blame
body language, [>]–[>], [>], [>]–[>]
Bonnie (student), [>]–[>]
boyd, danah, [>]
boys
competition for, [>]
dominance in classrooms, [>]–[>]
masculinity and sexualization, [>]–[>]
openness of, [>]
perception of danger, [>]
physical aggression, [>]–[>], [>]–[>], [>]
relational aggression, [>]-[>], [>]
research focus on, [>], [>]
societal expectations for, [>]–[>]
break ups, "friend divorces," [>], [>], [>]–[>]. See also cliques, clique expulsion
Brianna (student), [>]–[>]
Brittney (student), [>], [>]
Bronwyn (student), [>]
Brown, Lyn Mikel, [>], [>], [>], [>], [>], [>], [>]–[>]
bullies. See girl bullying
Camille (student), [>]–[>], [>]–[>]
Campbell, Anne, [>]–[>], [>], [>], [>]
Canter, Debbi (teacher), [>]
caregiver/nurturer role, [>], [>]–[>], [>], [>], [>], [>], [>]–[>], [>], [>]
Cari (student), [>]
Carmen (student), [>]–[>], [>]
Carter, Lily (student), [>], [>]–[>], [>]–[>]
Cassie (student), [>]–[>], [>]
Cat (student), [>]–[>]
Cat's Eye (Atwood), [>]–[>]
cell phones, [>], [>]–[>], [>], [>]–[>], [>]–[>], [>]. See also social media
Cerise (student), [>]
Chanel (student), [>]
Chapin, Liane (student), [>]–[>]
Charlotte
(student), [>]
Chastity (student), [>]
Chat, [>], [>]–[>], [>]. See also AOL Instant Messenger
Chatroulette website, [>], [>]
Cheryl (student), [>]–[>]
Chloe (student), [>]–[>], [>]–[>]
Christina (student), [>]–[>]
Christine (mother), [>]
civility, respect, [>], [>], [>], [>]–[>]
classroom environment, [>]–[>], [>]–[>]. See also educators, teachers
cliques, clique expulsion
and bullying, [>], [>]–[>], [>], [>]–[>]
Odd Girl Out Page 42