Mom's Perfect Boyfriend
Page 16
Lisa
rumor is his engagement ratings are off the charts
Crystal
sorry i don’t speak robot
Crystal
could you explain that in english please
Lisa
oh right sorry
Lisa
i don’t know the full details
Lisa
but basically the tester is treating their smart companion like it’s a human
Lisa
and as an experiment, we didn’t tell the smart companion otherwise
Crystal
i think i’ve seen that movie a few times
Crystal
it ends with all the humans dying
Lisa
this is real life, it’s different
Lisa
we’ve got contingencies on top of contingencies
Lisa
boople has dozens of AI psychologists on staff
Crystal
do they sit robots down on couches and ask them about their feelings?
Lisa
LOL no
Lisa
well maybe, i dunno
Lisa
anyway people are pretty excited about this particular unit
Lisa
they want to put a camera on him and set up a video feed
Lisa
wouldn’t that be awesome?
Lisa
there’d be so much potential
Lisa
an android vlog would get so much publicity
Lisa
crystal?
Lisa
you there?
Crystal
yeah sorry
Crystal
wouldn’t that be an invasion of privacy or something?
Lisa
oh yeah legal shot it down pretty quickly
Lisa
but it’s definitely something i’m going to advocate for in the future
Lisa
it’d really help promote the project if we did it right
Lisa
anyway how are you?
Crystal
i’m alright
Crystal
still not making much progress on the novel
Crystal
but i’m finding other ways to keep busy at least
Crystal
i started putting out feelers for potential places to live
Lisa
any cities in particular?
Crystal
i’d like to stay in SoCal for a bit if possible
Crystal
i’m looking at doing some temp or seasonal work too
Crystal
i can’t keep living with mom forever
Lisa
sounds good
Lisa
want me to put out the word to my friends?
Crystal
thanks, but i’d like to keep it small scale atm
Crystal
not sure what my financial situation is going to be like
Lisa
sure
Lisa
you could always work on velocirapture for a change of pace ;)
Crystal
you seriously want me to write that smut?
Lisa
hey, it’s called “erotic fiction”
Lisa
and i hear it makes serious money
Crystal
i think i’d rather stick to more traditional job options… :P
Crystal
sorry but i’ve gotta go
Crystal
i promised mom i’d help with dinner tonight
Lisa
no worries
Lisa
ttyl
Crystal
thanks, good luck with your robots
Lisa
:)
The President is a Robot Screenplay, page 108 notes, 12/7
ORIGINAL DRAFT:
INT. Irving’s Office. – afternoon
HUDSON
How does it feel to be proven wrong, Agent Irving?
IRVING
I never admitted to being wrong.
HUDSON
The evidence of my humanity is incontrovertible. Your baseless accusations nearly cost me everything!
IRVING
You’re still President, aren’t you?
HUDSON
Is that a threat, Agent?
IRVING
Not in the slightest.
HUDSON
Then I’ll take my leave.
HUDSON turns to leave.
IRVING
One more thing, Hudson.
HUDSON pauses at the door.
IRVING
If a robot ever did run for president, he’d have my vote.
HUDSON and IRVING share a smile. After a beat, HUDSON leaves.
END.
Scene Notes, by Adam Devereux:
Although the primary conflict in the screenplay has been solved by this point, this ending is meant is to leave viewers feeling slightly uneasy, wondering if Hudson could still be an android. As currently written, the scene lacks tension, which is further deflated when both characters smile. Ideally, these revisions would be worked in from the start of the scene, but I’ve included sample line edits for this single page, as requested. I’ve also changed the location of the scene to Hudson’s office, to flip the power dynamic.
Ultimately, it is still a very dense page, and may benefit from further simplification.
EDITED VERSION:
INT. Hudson’s Office. – NIGHT
HUDSON
Are you satisfied, Agent?
IRVING
Hardly.
HUDSON
Guilty until proven innocent, then.
IRVING smiles.
HUDSON
Why call off the investigation?
A beat.
IRVING
You’re the best candidate for the job.
IRVING turns to leave.
HUDSON
Irving?
IRVING pauses at the door.
HUDSON
Thank you.
IRVING
It was never about you, Hudson.
IRVING leaves. HUDSON remains, unsettled.
END.
Margot’s Journal, Friday, December 8
I’m up to my neck in work for this HHHA fundraiser. I really don’t have time for it. I was so busy that I worked straight through Thursday afternoon, and completely missed my appointment at the commercial kitchen. Seventy-five dollars, out the window.
I’m sure Mother appreciates my help, but she’s probably just too busy recovering to express it right now. Ever since she got back home, she’s been emailing me several times a day, “reminding” me to get a gluten-free dessert option for Wilhelmina or a sign interpreter for Ernie. It’s exhausting. I understand that the HHHA is a noble cause, but I’m starting to think I should just let my membership lapse next year.
I haven’t been a wife for almost a decade (has it really been that long?) and I have had to work for my living ever since. Sometimes it’s hard to spend so much time with women whose main problems are what kind of shrimp to order and whether they can get in to see their favorite hairdresser for the party. I know that they are dealing with other problems, but right now, that’s all I seem to hear about.
The farmers’ market is on Sunday, and I couldn’t get a commercial kitchen slot until next week. The lavender and matcha flavors aren’t as popular as I expected, so I have some of those left, at least. We had a request for pumpkin pie spice marshmallows, so I was going to test out a recipe for those, but I guess it’ll just have to wait until next Tuesday. Grace had some lovely little charms on her soaps last week that made them feel very festive, so I was hoping to add something special to my marshmallow packaging as well.
I was thinking something like a snowflake ornament, to add a little value. I wanted to drop by the craft store but I’m booked until the farmers’ market, so I might have to trust Crystal to pick ou
t something. She doesn’t have the flair for packaging like I do, but maybe she can text me pictures from the store.
Mother keeps asking me about my “new fellow” (Adam) and asked if I was bringing him to the HHHA fundraiser. I told her that it was unlikely, given that he’d have to fly all the way out there, and on Christmas eve, no less. I was telling Adam about it yesterday (in a joking way), but then he said, “Why not?” Before I knew it, he’d booked a flight out on Christmas eve. He said that he wanted to see the party, especially after all the hard work that’s been going into it.
I was honestly in shock. He’d already told me that he was spending Christmas day with his parents, so I didn’t even think it would be a possibility. I think things are a little different when you have lots of money. You can just book flights willy-nilly and “pop over” to Northfield for a day.
Now that Adam is coming, I didn’t want Crystal to feel left out. I considered asking her if David would like to come, but he’s been a bit of a sore subject lately. Every time his name comes up in conversation, Crystal gets really quiet, and looks at the floor. She hasn’t told me the details, but it sounds like he’s still on some sort of extended camping trip, or another equally vague journey. I don’t know where their relationship stands, but Crystal hasn’t been wearing her engagement ring recently. She’d been wearing it pretty regularly when she first moved in, but lately she hardly puts on any jewelry.
It might have something to do with the fact that she’s been holed up writing so much recently, but it’s still suspicious. I’m starting to wonder if David has been recruited by some sort of cult or commune, and if I should still get him a Christmas gift, or count him out for this one. Crystal is going to have to figure out how she plans to explain this soon, because Mother is sure to ask her about it at the fundraiser. Mother might be more excited about the wedding than I was.
Last night I volunteered at the bookstore, wrapping presents to fundraise for the local youth symphony. Ingrid’s granddaughter is in the band, and she said that they had a few shifts left to fill. When I told Adam about it, he asked if he could help. I was glad, because Crystal would’ve gone with me, but she probably would’ve been grumpy about it. We had a record evening wrapping presents, which I’m sure was all Adam’s doing. He greeted everyone who came in the store, and we soon had a line of women waiting for gift wrap. Some of those ladies flirted shamelessly, which didn’t thrill me.
Adam is always a perfect gentleman though, and it was almost funny watching him deliberately misinterpret their advances. Adam has a surprising knack for gift wrapping, and curls ribbons like a pro. He must’ve wrapped over a hundred books last night, and yet he didn’t have a single papercut. It was a bit strange, since I’m a veteran wrapper myself, and I still came home with a couple of stingers. I always seem to get papercuts right at the joint, where you feel it each time you bend your finger. Maybe I’ll have to ask Adam for his secret technique.
Gratitudes:
I am grateful to Adam for an enjoyable evening gift-wrapping.
I am grateful to Mother for giving me an opportunity to be more assertive about my time.
I am grateful that I can be my own boss with Margot’s Mallows.
Text Messages, December 9
Adam
Hi, Margot! How is your day going?
Margot
Great, Adam! How are you?
Adam
Doing well, thank you. I was wondering if gifts are required for the party.
Margot
It’s more of a traditional party, and there won’t be any gift exchanges, white elephant or otherwise. :) So just bring yourself!
Adam
Thank you. Are you free for tea and maybe a hike tomorrow?
Margot
I really need to finish the holiday gift boxes for the farmers’ market tomorrow, and I have a lot left for the HHHA fundraiser as well. Maybe later?
Adam
Sure, no problem. Anything I can do to help?
Margot
That’s alright, it’s just a lot of curling ribbon to wrangle.
Adam
I’m a good gift-wrapper. :)
Margot
Well, if you insist…but I really will have to work Saturday night. How about 3 pm at my place?
Adam
See you then!
Crystal’s Journal, December 9
Things are seriously getting out of hand. Mom and Adam have been seeing each other almost every day, and he keeps saying yes to EVERYTHING. I think it’s gone past infatuation now. They’re starting to develop inside jokes, and people are mistaking them for a married couple.
But it gets worse.
I don’t know how it happened, but now he’s coming to the fundraiser. In freaking MINNESOTA. The guy is flying out on Christmas eve, and then flying back on Christmas less than 24 hours later, to be with his supposed family. I don’t even know how this is going to work. I mean, the guy is a robot. I don’t know if he’ll even be able to make it past the metal detector. (Sorry Adam, but Boople has been pretty secretive about what you’re made out of.)
And if, by some miracle, he does make it to the fundraiser, he’s going to meet GRANDMA. And you know what that means. She’ll pat his arm and make some joking comment about marriage, like she’s done with Bryan and David and every other boyfriend who’s had the misfortune of “meeting the family.” What the hell happens then? What if there’s some twisted psychologist at Boople who thinks this is all some game? Adam is designed to do whatever Mom wants. So if he senses that Mom secretly wants a proposal, would he drop to his knee right there, in the middle of the fundraiser?
I can’t let that happen. This was just supposed to be a confidence-builder, not the most serious relationship Mom has had in a decade. Things are moving way too quickly. I’ve been slow to react, because it’s been so nice to have some alone time again, and to work on my novel. But I can’t ignore this any longer. If I do, Mom could get seriously hurt. We’re just going to have to rip the Band-Aid off.
Tomorrow, I’m going to write to Boople. It sounds like they’ve recalled most of their other robots, so this is probably no big deal for them. I bet they have a whole script set up, too. They’ll just come in one day, pack up Adam in some unmarked white van, and that’ll be that. Mom will get an email, or maybe a frosty text message.
I know this is the right thing to do. I have to be strong, and just send that email. I just wish I didn’t feel so guilty about it.
What do you think will happen to Adam?
What if he’s the one Lisa mentioned – the robot who thinks he’s a human? Wouldn’t he be scared if they came and kidnapped him?
No, I can’t think about that now. It’s not my problem. He’s Boople property, and they’ll take good care of him.
Won’t they?
Email, December 10
From: Margot Hemmingway
To: Eric Robertson
Subject: Re: HHHA Commemorative Video
Hi Eric,
Thanks again for doing this all last-minute. The HHHA ladies sent me their photos from the previous events (on data CDs), and I’ve got it down to about 400. I’m sorry I couldn’t narrow it down further, but I’ve been swamped this weekend, and I didn’t want to hold you up any longer. How would you like me to send the photos to you? Should I post them somewhere or do you have another preferred method?
I made sure to set aside two tickets for you. We’ll hold them at will call so you can pick them up whenever you arrive at the fundraiser.
Take care,
Margot
P.S. I’m still in California, San Diego area. I’m just helping my mother out with the fundraiser this year on account of her hip surgery.
Email, December 10
From: Eric Robertson
To: Margot Hemmingway
Subject: Re: HHHA Commemorative Video
Hi
Margot,
I’ll send you a link for my Dropbox, you can go ahead and drop the files there. This is plenty early, and I’m happy to have a few extras to choose from.
Thanks for arranging for the extra ticket. My girl will really appreciate it. I’ll be in touch once I get a draft of this together, hopefully in the next week.
Eric
P.S. Nice of you to help out the Northfield HHHA. What brought you to San Diego?
Email, December 10
From: Margot Hemmingway
To: smartcompanion_relations@booplemail.com
Subject: Smart Companion Trial Cancellation
Hello,
I’m not sure if this is the right email, but I would like to cancel my Smart Companion trial with Adam. He has been a very kind and helpful companion, but I feel it’s time for us to part ways. While it was fun to have a bit of romance again, I feel it’s time for me to look for a real man now (no offense meant to Adam). I very much enjoyed being part of the Smart Companion trial program, and want to express my sincere thanks to Adam. I hope that he finds a good home back at Boople, and that he is compensated well for his efforts, in Boople credits or oil baths or whatever it is Smart Companions enjoy.
Thanks,
Margot
Text Messages, December 11
Lisa
WHAT THE HELL, CRYSTAL????
Crystal
…?
Lisa
“I would like to cancel my Smart Companion trial with Adam. He has been a very kind and helpful companion, but I feel it’s time for us to part ways.”
Crystal
i can explain
Crystal
i’ll call you right now
Lisa