Mom's Perfect Boyfriend

by Crystal Hemmingway

Lisa

  rumor is his engagement ratings are off the charts

  Crystal

  sorry i don’t speak robot

  Crystal

  could you explain that in english please

  Lisa

  oh right sorry

  Lisa

  i don’t know the full details

  Lisa

  but basically the tester is treating their smart companion like it’s a human

  Lisa

  and as an experiment, we didn’t tell the smart companion otherwise

  Crystal

  i think i’ve seen that movie a few times

  Crystal

  it ends with all the humans dying

  Lisa

  this is real life, it’s different

  Lisa

  we’ve got contingencies on top of contingencies

  Lisa

  boople has dozens of AI psychologists on staff

  Crystal

  do they sit robots down on couches and ask them about their feelings?

  Lisa

  LOL no

  Lisa

  well maybe, i dunno

  Lisa

  anyway people are pretty excited about this particular unit

  Lisa

  they want to put a camera on him and set up a video feed

  Lisa

  wouldn’t that be awesome?

  Lisa

  there’d be so much potential

  Lisa

  an android vlog would get so much publicity

  Lisa

  crystal?

  Lisa

  you there?

  Crystal

  yeah sorry

  Crystal

  wouldn’t that be an invasion of privacy or something?

  Lisa

  oh yeah legal shot it down pretty quickly

  Lisa

  but it’s definitely something i’m going to advocate for in the future

  Lisa

  it’d really help promote the project if we did it right

  Lisa

  anyway how are you?

  Crystal

  i’m alright

  Crystal

  still not making much progress on the novel

  Crystal

  but i’m finding other ways to keep busy at least

  Crystal

  i started putting out feelers for potential places to live

  Lisa

  any cities in particular?

  Crystal

  i’d like to stay in SoCal for a bit if possible

  Crystal

  i’m looking at doing some temp or seasonal work too

  Crystal

  i can’t keep living with mom forever

  Lisa

  sounds good

  Lisa

  want me to put out the word to my friends?

  Crystal

  thanks, but i’d like to keep it small scale atm

  Crystal

  not sure what my financial situation is going to be like

  Lisa

  sure

  Lisa

  you could always work on velocirapture for a change of pace ;)

  Crystal

  you seriously want me to write that smut?

  Lisa

  hey, it’s called “erotic fiction”

  Lisa

  and i hear it makes serious money

  Crystal

  i think i’d rather stick to more traditional job options… :P

  Crystal

  sorry but i’ve gotta go

  Crystal

  i promised mom i’d help with dinner tonight

  Lisa

  no worries

  Lisa

  ttyl

  Crystal

  thanks, good luck with your robots

  Lisa

  :)

  The President is a Robot Screenplay, page 108 notes, 12/7

  ORIGINAL DRAFT:

  INT. Irving’s Office. – afternoon

  HUDSON

  How does it feel to be proven wrong, Agent Irving?

  IRVING

  I never admitted to being wrong.

  HUDSON

  The evidence of my humanity is incontrovertible. Your baseless accusations nearly cost me everything!

  IRVING

  You’re still President, aren’t you?

  HUDSON

  Is that a threat, Agent?

  IRVING

  Not in the slightest.

  HUDSON

  Then I’ll take my leave.

  HUDSON turns to leave.

  IRVING

  One more thing, Hudson.

  HUDSON pauses at the door.

  IRVING

  If a robot ever did run for president, he’d have my vote.

  HUDSON and IRVING share a smile. After a beat, HUDSON leaves.

  END.

  Scene Notes, by Adam Devereux:

  Although the primary conflict in the screenplay has been solved by this point, this ending is meant is to leave viewers feeling slightly uneasy, wondering if Hudson could still be an android. As currently written, the scene lacks tension, which is further deflated when both characters smile. Ideally, these revisions would be worked in from the start of the scene, but I’ve included sample line edits for this single page, as requested. I’ve also changed the location of the scene to Hudson’s office, to flip the power dynamic.

  Ultimately, it is still a very dense page, and may benefit from further simplification.

  EDITED VERSION:

  INT. Hudson’s Office. – NIGHT

  HUDSON

  Are you satisfied, Agent?

  IRVING

  Hardly.

  HUDSON

  Guilty until proven innocent, then.

  IRVING smiles.

  HUDSON

  Why call off the investigation?

  A beat.

  IRVING

  You’re the best candidate for the job.

  IRVING turns to leave.

  HUDSON

  Irving?

  IRVING pauses at the door.

  HUDSON

  Thank you.

  IRVING

  It was never about you, Hudson.

  IRVING leaves. HUDSON remains, unsettled.

  END.

  Margot’s Journal, Friday, December 8

  I’m up to my neck in work for this HHHA fundraiser. I really don’t have time for it. I was so busy that I worked straight through Thursday afternoon, and completely missed my appointment at the commercial kitchen. Seventy-five dollars, out the window.

  I’m sure Mother appreciates my help, but she’s probably just too busy recovering to express it right now. Ever since she got back home, she’s been emailing me several times a day, “reminding” me to get a gluten-free dessert option for Wilhelmina or a sign interpreter for Ernie. It’s exhausting. I understand that the HHHA is a noble cause, but I’m starting to think I should just let my membership lapse next year.

  I haven’t been a wife for almost a decade (has it really been that long?) and I have had to work for my living ever since. Sometimes it’s hard to spend so much time with women whose main problems are what kind of shrimp to order and whether they can get in to see their favorite hairdresser for the party. I know that they are dealing with other problems, but right now, that’s all I seem to hear about.

  The farmers’ market is on Sunday, and I couldn’t get a commercial kitchen slot until next week. The lavender and matcha flavors aren’t as popular as I expected, so I have some of those left, at least. We had a request for pumpkin pie spice marshmallows, so I was going to test out a recipe for those, but I guess it’ll just have to wait until next Tuesday. Grace had some lovely little charms on her soaps last week that made them feel very festive, so I was hoping to add something special to my marshmallow packaging as well.

  I was thinking something like a snowflake ornament, to add a little value. I wanted to drop by the craft store but I’m booked until the farmers’ market, so I might have to trust Crystal to pick ou
t something. She doesn’t have the flair for packaging like I do, but maybe she can text me pictures from the store.

  Mother keeps asking me about my “new fellow” (Adam) and asked if I was bringing him to the HHHA fundraiser. I told her that it was unlikely, given that he’d have to fly all the way out there, and on Christmas eve, no less. I was telling Adam about it yesterday (in a joking way), but then he said, “Why not?” Before I knew it, he’d booked a flight out on Christmas eve. He said that he wanted to see the party, especially after all the hard work that’s been going into it.

  I was honestly in shock. He’d already told me that he was spending Christmas day with his parents, so I didn’t even think it would be a possibility. I think things are a little different when you have lots of money. You can just book flights willy-nilly and “pop over” to Northfield for a day.

  Now that Adam is coming, I didn’t want Crystal to feel left out. I considered asking her if David would like to come, but he’s been a bit of a sore subject lately. Every time his name comes up in conversation, Crystal gets really quiet, and looks at the floor. She hasn’t told me the details, but it sounds like he’s still on some sort of extended camping trip, or another equally vague journey. I don’t know where their relationship stands, but Crystal hasn’t been wearing her engagement ring recently. She’d been wearing it pretty regularly when she first moved in, but lately she hardly puts on any jewelry.

  It might have something to do with the fact that she’s been holed up writing so much recently, but it’s still suspicious. I’m starting to wonder if David has been recruited by some sort of cult or commune, and if I should still get him a Christmas gift, or count him out for this one. Crystal is going to have to figure out how she plans to explain this soon, because Mother is sure to ask her about it at the fundraiser. Mother might be more excited about the wedding than I was.

  Last night I volunteered at the bookstore, wrapping presents to fundraise for the local youth symphony. Ingrid’s granddaughter is in the band, and she said that they had a few shifts left to fill. When I told Adam about it, he asked if he could help. I was glad, because Crystal would’ve gone with me, but she probably would’ve been grumpy about it. We had a record evening wrapping presents, which I’m sure was all Adam’s doing. He greeted everyone who came in the store, and we soon had a line of women waiting for gift wrap. Some of those ladies flirted shamelessly, which didn’t thrill me.

  Adam is always a perfect gentleman though, and it was almost funny watching him deliberately misinterpret their advances. Adam has a surprising knack for gift wrapping, and curls ribbons like a pro. He must’ve wrapped over a hundred books last night, and yet he didn’t have a single papercut. It was a bit strange, since I’m a veteran wrapper myself, and I still came home with a couple of stingers. I always seem to get papercuts right at the joint, where you feel it each time you bend your finger. Maybe I’ll have to ask Adam for his secret technique.

  Gratitudes:

  I am grateful to Adam for an enjoyable evening gift-wrapping.

  I am grateful to Mother for giving me an opportunity to be more assertive about my time.

  I am grateful that I can be my own boss with Margot’s Mallows.

  Text Messages, December 9

  Adam

  Hi, Margot! How is your day going?

  Margot

  Great, Adam! How are you?

  Adam

  Doing well, thank you. I was wondering if gifts are required for the party.

  Margot

  It’s more of a traditional party, and there won’t be any gift exchanges, white elephant or otherwise. :) So just bring yourself!

  Adam

  Thank you. Are you free for tea and maybe a hike tomorrow?

  Margot

  I really need to finish the holiday gift boxes for the farmers’ market tomorrow, and I have a lot left for the HHHA fundraiser as well. Maybe later?

  Adam

  Sure, no problem. Anything I can do to help?

  Margot

  That’s alright, it’s just a lot of curling ribbon to wrangle.

  Adam

  I’m a good gift-wrapper. :)

  Margot

  Well, if you insist…but I really will have to work Saturday night. How about 3 pm at my place?

  Adam

  See you then!

  Crystal’s Journal, December 9

  Things are seriously getting out of hand. Mom and Adam have been seeing each other almost every day, and he keeps saying yes to EVERYTHING. I think it’s gone past infatuation now. They’re starting to develop inside jokes, and people are mistaking them for a married couple.

  But it gets worse.

  I don’t know how it happened, but now he’s coming to the fundraiser. In freaking MINNESOTA. The guy is flying out on Christmas eve, and then flying back on Christmas less than 24 hours later, to be with his supposed family. I don’t even know how this is going to work. I mean, the guy is a robot. I don’t know if he’ll even be able to make it past the metal detector. (Sorry Adam, but Boople has been pretty secretive about what you’re made out of.)

  And if, by some miracle, he does make it to the fundraiser, he’s going to meet GRANDMA. And you know what that means. She’ll pat his arm and make some joking comment about marriage, like she’s done with Bryan and David and every other boyfriend who’s had the misfortune of “meeting the family.” What the hell happens then? What if there’s some twisted psychologist at Boople who thinks this is all some game? Adam is designed to do whatever Mom wants. So if he senses that Mom secretly wants a proposal, would he drop to his knee right there, in the middle of the fundraiser?

  I can’t let that happen. This was just supposed to be a confidence-builder, not the most serious relationship Mom has had in a decade. Things are moving way too quickly. I’ve been slow to react, because it’s been so nice to have some alone time again, and to work on my novel. But I can’t ignore this any longer. If I do, Mom could get seriously hurt. We’re just going to have to rip the Band-Aid off.

  Tomorrow, I’m going to write to Boople. It sounds like they’ve recalled most of their other robots, so this is probably no big deal for them. I bet they have a whole script set up, too. They’ll just come in one day, pack up Adam in some unmarked white van, and that’ll be that. Mom will get an email, or maybe a frosty text message.

  I know this is the right thing to do. I have to be strong, and just send that email. I just wish I didn’t feel so guilty about it.

  What do you think will happen to Adam?

  What if he’s the one Lisa mentioned – the robot who thinks he’s a human? Wouldn’t he be scared if they came and kidnapped him?

  No, I can’t think about that now. It’s not my problem. He’s Boople property, and they’ll take good care of him.

  Won’t they?

  Email, December 10

  From: Margot Hemmingway

  To: Eric Robertson

  Subject: Re: HHHA Commemorative Video

  Hi Eric,

  Thanks again for doing this all last-minute. The HHHA ladies sent me their photos from the previous events (on data CDs), and I’ve got it down to about 400. I’m sorry I couldn’t narrow it down further, but I’ve been swamped this weekend, and I didn’t want to hold you up any longer. How would you like me to send the photos to you? Should I post them somewhere or do you have another preferred method?

  I made sure to set aside two tickets for you. We’ll hold them at will call so you can pick them up whenever you arrive at the fundraiser.

  Take care,

  Margot

  P.S. I’m still in California, San Diego area. I’m just helping my mother out with the fundraiser this year on account of her hip surgery.

  Email, December 10

  From: Eric Robertson

  To: Margot Hemmingway

  Subject: Re: HHHA Commemorative Video

  Hi
Margot,

  I’ll send you a link for my Dropbox, you can go ahead and drop the files there. This is plenty early, and I’m happy to have a few extras to choose from.

  Thanks for arranging for the extra ticket. My girl will really appreciate it. I’ll be in touch once I get a draft of this together, hopefully in the next week.

  Eric

  P.S. Nice of you to help out the Northfield HHHA. What brought you to San Diego?

  Email, December 10

  From: Margot Hemmingway

  To: smartcompanion_relations@booplemail.com

  Subject: Smart Companion Trial Cancellation

  Hello,

  I’m not sure if this is the right email, but I would like to cancel my Smart Companion trial with Adam. He has been a very kind and helpful companion, but I feel it’s time for us to part ways. While it was fun to have a bit of romance again, I feel it’s time for me to look for a real man now (no offense meant to Adam). I very much enjoyed being part of the Smart Companion trial program, and want to express my sincere thanks to Adam. I hope that he finds a good home back at Boople, and that he is compensated well for his efforts, in Boople credits or oil baths or whatever it is Smart Companions enjoy.

  Thanks,

  Margot

  Text Messages, December 11

  Lisa

  WHAT THE HELL, CRYSTAL????

  Crystal

  …?

  Lisa

  “I would like to cancel my Smart Companion trial with Adam. He has been a very kind and helpful companion, but I feel it’s time for us to part ways.”

  Crystal

  i can explain

  Crystal

  i’ll call you right now

  Lisa