by Penny Jordan
She thought of Aunt Emily and dismissed the idea. No, she couldn’t go home. So where, then? Where?
Almost without thinking, she found she was gathering clothes together, folding them, putting them into cases. She put the cases in her car, locked the flat behind her, and she had taken the road that led northwards before she recognised exactly where she was heading. Susannah reached the farmhouse late at night, reality breaking through the icy darkness of her despair when she realised what she had done. The kitchen door opened and Emma’s niece, Lucy, came out.
Susannah climbed wearily out of her car.
‘My goodness, what on earth are you doing up here?’
Susannah started to walk towards her, and then, disconcertingly, she felt the ground tilt. From somewhere, she heard a familiar, concerned voice, and then nothing.
When she came round, she was already inside the farmhouse, two concerned faces peering down at her.
Reality hit her then, breaking through the control she had used to force it aside. She started to shake, a pain too intense for tears tearing at her. ‘I…’
‘Lucy is just going to make us all a cup of tea,’ Emma said calmly. As though she had received some signal, her niece got up and left them.
‘Don’t try and talk now,’ Emma suggested quietly. ‘I’ve experienced enough pain of my own in my life to know something of what you’re suffering. We’ll talk later, when you’re ready.’
‘I…I shouldn’t have come here, imposing myself on you like this. I don’t know really why I did.’ Susannah’s bewilderment showed in her voice.
‘My dear, I assure you it’s no imposition. You’re more than welcome. Now, come closer to the fire. It’s a chilly night.’
Gradually, over the next few days, she managed to tell Emma something, but not all, of what had happened. That last humiliating scene…that was something that could never, ever be told. It was burned deep into her soul and could never be erased. That he should think so badly of her…
A letter had been typed and sent to Tomorrow, handing in her notice. She badly needed an assistant, to help her with research and to master her word processor, Emma had told her, and somehow or other Susannah had found herself being persuaded to stay.
Emma’s niece smiled thankfully and explained that, if Susannah stayed, she would be able to go back to her family. Before she knew it, Susannah had been at the farmhouse for almost a week.
Shock and pain did strange things to the human mind and body, she was discovering. Time had become a fluid rather than a rigid commodity. Sometimes, seconds stretched into hours when she lay awake at night, remembering and longing for sleep; sometimes, hours could simply disappear, melting into minutes as she stared unseeingly into space.
One day she would forget Hazard, she was determined on it; but first she would have to remember him, and that was what she was afraid of and what her mind shrank from so persistently.
CHAPTER NINE
THE DAYS DRIFTED into weeks, and the weeks into one month, and then almost two, and slowly a new pattern of living emerged. No one from the magazine knew where Susannah was. She had written to her aunt, saying that she had changed her job, and her resignation from the magazine had been posted in London, having first been forwarded to Emma’s publishers.
The two of them got on well together. Emma had asked her once what she would do if Hazard should contact her, and Susannah had shaken her head and told her quietly, ‘That will never happen.’
‘Oh, I think you’re wrong,’ Emma corrected her. ‘Once he learns the truth…’
‘He won’t learn it.’
‘I think he will. Our cruellest wrong judgements of people have an unpleasant way of rebounding on us. Think about it,’ she urged when Susannah looked doubtful. ‘Have you never made even a mental critical judgement of someone, and then discovered later that you were wrong?’
Forced to concede that she was right, Susannah nevertheless remained obdurate that Hazard would not contact her.
‘But if he does?’ Emma persisted.
The tormented shudder that went through the too-thin body of the girl seated opposite her told its own story, and Emma did not press her any further.
Emma’s latest book was going well. She swore that having Susannah working for her made all the difference. It was set in Yorkshire during the Wars of the Roses, a family saga that needed a good deal of research, and Susannah found herself becoming very much more familiar with the area as she accompanied Emma on her research trips.
York was an undeniably beautiful city but, as with everything these days, she saw it from a distance, as though an impenetrable glass wall stood between her and the rest of the world. She knew she needed that glass wall. It protected her from reality and from pain. She knew also that Emma watched her and worried about her. On the surface she functioned perfectly normally, but beneath it her emotions were in chaos. She dreamed constantly about Hazard, confused, sometimes frightening dreams, when she saw him coming towards her and she flew ecstatically towards him, only to tense and stop as she saw his face and read the hatred in it.
Midway through November, an unfamiliar estate car, bearing new registration plates, pulled up outside the farmhouse. Emma had a large circle of friends, and Susannah, who saw the car arrive, hurried down to intercept the visitor, knowing that Emma was tussling with a particularly recalcitrant chapter of her new book.
She opened the door without waiting for the visitor to knock, and then froze as she saw Richard’s familiar figure striding towards her.
He stopped when he saw her, apparently as shocked by the sight of her as she was by the sight of him.
‘So you are here, after all!’
‘You’ve been looking for me?’
‘Everywhere we could think of. This was one of the first places we tried, but we were told you weren’t here. I was in York on business, and it was only an impulse that maybe Emma King had heard something from you, after all, that brought me up here. Susannah, you’re too thin… Can we go inside and talk?’ he begged when she made no immediate response. He saw the pain and fear darken her eyes and stepped towards her. ‘Please, Susannah. It’s important.’
She wanted to refuse, but the lassitude that overcame her so easily these days engulfed her, and she could do nothing other than turn listlessly towards the kitchen. Emma was always complaining that she didn’t eat enough, perhaps that was why she constantly felt so weak, but food had so little appeal, all she really wanted was escape…escape and oblivion.
‘What was it you wanted to talk to me about, Richard?’
She heard him give a faint sigh.
‘Susannah, you must know.’ When she continued to remain silent, her gaze shifting from him into space, he said quietly, ‘Hazard has told us everything.’
She made no response, but a pulse thudded betrayingly in her throat, her whole body tensing. She started to get up, and immediately Richard crossed over to her, gently pushing her back into her chair.
‘No, please, you must listen to me.’
‘Has Hazard asked you to speak to me?’ Suddenly her voice was fierce, anger darkening her eyes.
‘He’s in America at the moment, and he doesn’t know I’m here. Susannah, you can guess how appalled both Caroline and I were when we discovered that Hazard thought you and I were having an affair. We put him right immediately, of course. He refused to believe it at first.’
‘I’m sure he did,’ Susannah agreed bitterly.
‘Yes, but try to understand… There are extenuating circumstances.’
He broke off as her acid laughter interrupted him.
‘You’re asking me to make allowances?’ Her voice cracked slightly, registering her disbelief. Suddenly her protective shield splintered, leaving her open to the pain of what he was saying. Like blood returning to numbed limbs, she felt the agony of her surging emotions. Anger burned through her. How dare Richard come here and ask her to understand?
‘Susannah, please hear me out. Not so
long ago, you told me you loved Hazard.’
He saw her flinch, but pressed on determinedly. ‘I’m asking you in the name of that love to listen to me now. For your own sake, if nothing else… Do you think I can’t see what’s happened to you? Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life, carrying around a burden of bitterness and pain? Do you want to make the same mistakes as Hazard?’
That caught her attention, and she stared at him, her face set. Taking her silence as her agreement to listening, Richard went on quietly, ‘Once, you asked me about Hazard’s past, but I didn’t tell you. Perhaps I should have done, but at the time…’ He shrugged tiredly. ‘I’m going to tell you now, though, Susannah. For your sake, not for Hazard’s,’ he added grimly before she could interrupt. ‘Hazard’s father was a very successful Australian businessman. He was also a rather vain man, or so Mac has told me. When Hazard was eight years old, his father became involved with a woman who worked for him. He left Hazard’s mother for her. It’s a common enough story, but Hazard’s mother couldn’t face what had happened. She tried to commit suicide. Hazard found her when he came home from school. She had tried to slash her wrists.’
Richard smiled grimly as he caught Susannah’s small gasp.
‘Yes, not a very pleasant scene to greet an impressionable eight-year-old. They left Australia, supposedly for a new start in the States but, to cut a long story short, Hazard’s mother’s mental condition kept on deteriorating. Oh, there were long periods when she was perfectly normal, and then something would happen—she’d become intensely depressed and there would be another attempted suicide.
‘Mac could see what was happening. He begged her to allow Hazard to live with him; he tried to tell her that what she was doing to her son wasn’t healthy, but she always refused. His concern over his mother quite naturally isolated Hazard from his own peer group. Mac says that he’s always been very proud and independent, wouldn’t accept any financial help from him, not even to help him get through college.
‘At one time, Mac and Hazard’s father had been partners, but after the divorce they split the business and Mac moved to the States. Although Hazard’s father did very well for himself financially, he never sent Hazard so much as a birthday or Christmas present, and of course, in her saner periods, Hazard’s mother blamed his second wife.
‘You can see what I’m trying to tell you, can’t you, Susannah? Wrong though he was about the affair he thought you and I were having, Hazard acted only as he’s been programmed to act since childhood.’
‘Yes, I can see that.’ Her voice was completely toneless.
Yes, she could see and understand now why Hazard had leapt to the absurd conclusion that she and Richard were having an affair. She had mentioned a married lover, after all, and, knowing what she now did, it was only to be expected that the moment Caroline mentioned marriage problems he should assume there was another woman involved.
She, of course, had never mentioned David by name, wanting only to put the whole sorry business behind her, never dreaming what Hazard thought.
‘Caroline is distraught with guilt,’ Richard went on. ‘She had no idea when she begged Hazard to take the job with Tomorrow that he would think our marriage was being sabotaged by another woman. Mac feels very much to blame as well. He wanted Hazard over here because he’s grooming him to take over from him eventually—I can tell you that, now that you no longer work for the magazine. Hazard refused—he said he wanted to make his own way to the top. Mac was bitterly disappointed. He considers that Hazard is the best man there is to take over from him, and so do I.’
He saw Susannah’s face and smiled. ‘Oh, yes, I do… I’m a very able lieutenant, but I don’t want to be the captain. Anyway, to return to my story, Caroline used emotional pressure on Hazard to get him to take the job, but the marital problems she mentioned were those caused by the fact that she wanted to live in the country, and my job was keeping me in town. She says it never crossed her mind that Hazard would think I was involved in an affair. With hindsight, of course, she realises that she should.’
‘How…how did it all come out?’ Susannah asked him, curious in spite of herself, and then bitterly regretting the question as she saw the gleam of triumph in his eyes. She shouldn’t have asked, she should simply have listened and then sent him away.
‘Hazard had been over to New York. The sanatorium, where his mother now lives, had telephoned him. She’d had a heart attack, and they thought he should know. Caroline rang him to find out how she was. Whether it was what he said to her, or the fact that he sounded drunk, I’m not sure, but anyway she was concerned enough about him to insist on going to see him.’
‘When was this?’ Susannah asked him.
Richard frowned, and then mentioned a date.
The day after Hazard had come to see her. Her heart thumped painfully, so many memories that she didn’t want crowding in on her.
‘When we got to his apartment, we found him out cold on the sofa, a bottle of whisky on the floor beside him. When he eventually came round, the whole story came out, rather disjointedly at first. I think he was too shocked to see us to hold anything back, although later, whenever Caroline tried to bring it up, he cut her off immediately. He tried to find you, Susannah…to apologise for misjudging you.’
‘It’s over, Richard, and I don’t want to talk about it. Nor do I want to see him.’ She saw that he was about to speak and checked him, saying evenly, ‘Did he tell you that he deliberately allowed me to think he was in love with me, solely in order to break up the relationship he thought I had with you?’
Richard looked away from her. ‘Yes. Yes. He did.’
‘Then I’m sure you understand why I don’t want to see him again.’
There was a long silence, and then Richard said quietly, ‘Are you sure you won’t change your mind?’
‘I don’t want to see him, Richard. Not now—not ever. I’m glad you’ve explained to me why he thought you and I were having an affair. That, I can understand. I can even understand his concern for Caroline…’
‘You can understand, but you can’t forgive, is that it, Susannah?’ Richard asked her.
She got up and walked away from him, staring out of the window. Forgive. Was that what she was supposed to do? Smile and say, yes I forgive him? How could she, when her whole body still ached at the memory of him she had? She loved him, and a love like hers couldn’t just be cut off, dammed up without causing pain.
She heard the squeak of Richard’s chair as he pushed it back. He came to stand alongside her.
‘He’s a changed man, Susannah. A broken man, you might say. You’ve made him re-evaluate all the principles on which he’s lived his life. The discovery that you are completely innocent…’
‘But I’m not.’ She turned and looked at him, tears of anger and pain shimmering in her eyes. ‘I’m not innocent, Richard. I was involved with a married man—you know that.’ She gave a bitter laugh. ‘Why don’t you tell him that? I’m sure it will make it much easier for him to cope with his guilt.’
‘Susannah…’
‘No, please go, Richard. I’m…I’m tired.’
‘Can I tell him where you are?’
She looked at him with hard eyes. ‘No! I’ve already told you, Richard, I don’t want to see or hear from him ever again.’
For a moment, Susannah thought he was going to try to persuade her to change her mind. Then, with a tired shrug, he shook his head.
‘You know your own feelings I suppose, but remember, Susannah, pride makes a cold bedfellow.’
Maybe it did, but she would prefer it to the acid, burning humiliation that was her constant companion, Susannah thought miserably as she watched Richard drive away. He had been disappointed in her, she knew.
When Emma came into the kitchen half an hour later, she found her guest hunched over in a chair, a silent glissade of tears glittering against her pale skin.
She had been waiting for this moment, praying that it would c
ome, and with it the release of Susannah’s pent-up emotion; but, now that it had, she found herself more concerned than she had been before. There was something so despairing and agonised about that silent fall of tears that Emma found herself wishing that the man who was the cause of them was here to witness the destruction he had wrought.
It was evening before Susannah had herself under enough control to tell Emma about Richard’s visit.
‘What will you do if Hazard comes to see you?’ Emma asked quietly.
‘Why should he want to? What is there left to say?’
‘Oh, he will want to.’
Yes, she was right, Susannah recognised. His pride would demand that of him. She laughed sourly. How relieved he would be to discover that he had been right about her, after all, and that she had been involved in an affair with a married man.
She said as much to Emma, and the older woman’s eyes darkened in sympathy.
‘My dear, you were drawn into that situation with lies and deceit. No one would dream of blaming you. You were the victim. I think you should see him,’ she went on calmly. ‘Until you do, you’ll never be free to put the past behind you.’
The problem was, she didn’t want to put it behind her, Susannah realised. She wanted to remember for always the pain of Hazard’s deception. That way, she would never have to suffer such pain again.
Several days later, the phone rang while they were both working in Emma’s study. Emma picked up the receiver, and Susannah saw her glance at her and then heard her say, ‘I’m afraid I’ll have to ring you back. I’m rather busy right now.’
She wrote down a number.
As she replaced the receiver, she made a wry face.
‘A magazine interview. I’ll ring them back this afternoon. By the way, did you say you were going into the village this morning?’