“It has nothing to do with good enough, Maura. I think you deserve to be with someone you can be yourself around.”
“Yeah, another liberal-leaning, cafeteria Catholic who’s too tainted by the secular world to grasp what being a real Catholic is all about. That’s just what a hippy like me deserves, right?”
He took a sip of his beer. It registered that perhaps he was able to remain more collected during the conversation because he still had beer in his glass, whereas mine was almost empty. He looked me straight in the eyes. I had forgotten how blue his eyes were, seeing as how I had avoided looking directly into them ever since he had returned to Seattle.
“You deserve to be loved unconditionally without having to worry if that person is going to change his mind when you admit to seeing grey when it comes to religion or faith. And I could be wrong; maybe Ethan’s the type who loves debating issues and hearing different perspectives like I did...but those conversations should never leave you feeling invalidated or unloved.”
He stopped. I could tell he regretted how his discernment process had hurt me. He knew that our past and the fear that I would experience the same pain again was the exact reason why I had been holding back my thoughts and opinions from Ethan. I stayed silent.
“I just want you to be with someone who can truly appreciate and love you for having the ability to see the other perspective, and who is open to being lovingly challenged by you, rather than trying to change you into some limited view of what they think is holy...but what would I know about successful relationships? I’m just a priest.”
He turned his attention to Ethan, who was walking towards us.
“Hey, Maura, are you almost done?” Ethan called attention to my empty glass.
I nodded, finding it difficult to speak after the day, the conversation, and the drink I’d just had.
“Forgive me, Ethan,” Sean smiled, turning on his charm. “I got to see this girl in action today at her work and I was just raving to her about how talented she is when it comes to handling a crisis.”
“Oh, you had an exciting day?” Ethan questioned with surprise.
Earlier I had told him my day was ‘okay and uneventful’ when he’d asked.
“She pretty much stopped a two-hundred-and-fifty-pound kid from beating me up.”
I rolled my eyes. “He’s exaggerating,” I clarified.
“Even so, it’s impressive how she knows exactly what people need to hear in the moment, you know?” It sounded like a harmless question, but I knew Sean was asking it because he sensed Ethan had no idea I possessed this quality.
“Well, she is just all around impressive; that’s why I love her,” Ethan said, revealing to Sean exactly how serious the relationship was.
“So, are you ready to go?” I turned to Ethan abruptly, already stepping away from Sean before Ethan could answer, grabbing his hand.
“Have a good night, you two,” Sean said cheerfully as he waved. I let Ethan say our goodbyes for me.
I let go of Ethan’s hand after we stepped outside. I crossed my arms around my body, attempting to get warm.
“You want my coat?” he asked, chivalrous as usual.
I shook my head and kept walking. When we reached his car, he held open the car door for me. I got in, Sean’s words still lingering in my head. Ethan remained silent on the short ride to my apartment, not attempting to draw me out. He parked in front of my building and turned to me.
“Are you okay? Is something wrong?”
I hesitated, debating how much I should tell him.
Remember, Maura, he loves you. You shouldn’t be afraid to share things with him...especially if you’re trying to be more than eighty percent in love with him some day.
“Was work that bad?”
“No,” I said quickly. “Well, it’s just…” I tried to think of how to explain it to him. “Sometimes when I have rough days at work, it’s kind of hard to sit and listen to other people talk about certain things.” I realized how vague I was being and felt sorry for him having to make the attempt to decode it.
“Is this about your conversation with Father Sean? Did he say something that upset you?”
When did Sean say something that didn’t upset me? But I kept that thought to myself.
“No... yes,” I sighed.
I was annoyed with Sean for pointing out things that I knew were potential challenges in my relationship with Ethan. I was frustrated with myself for allowing Sean’s words to bother me. I was upset and worried about the situation with Justin. And finally, I was annoyed with some of the ignorant information I had heard that night regarding health care.
I wasn’t sure how to clarify what I was really upset about, because, truthfully, there were so many negative feelings floating around my head that it was difficult for me to pinpoint what was wrong. Ethan looked at me, waiting for an answer.
“I don’t know how to explain it,” I admitted, sounding defeated.
“That’s fine,” he assured me, holding my hand. “Is there anything I can do to make it better?” he offered, sounding genuine.
I looked at him, knowing it was a combination of his eyes, the whiskey, and wanting to prove Sean wrong that led me to be honest.
“Stay with me tonight,” I answered seriously.
“What?” His confusion registered immediately.
“I don’t want to be alone. I just want to fall asleep next to you,” I continued to put myself out there.
I didn’t think I was asking for anything unacceptable. Sometimes I just wanted to be held. It seemed like a normal thing to want from my boyfriend. I stared at him, waiting for a response. His look of uncertainty told me his answer before he said anything.
“Maura, I don’t think that’s the best idea.”
“Why? I’m not going to have sex with you,” I said with conviction. “Please, I just want to be with you.”
He let go of my hand, confirming that my plea wasn’t going to work.
“Even so, it would create scandal, for you and for us. And I don’t want that.”
“Who cares? Whose business is it what we do? All that matters is if we’re honest with ourselves,” I said, my tone raising slightly. This was probably the most passionate Ethan had ever seen me.
“Maura, it’s my job to protect you, and I’m not going to stay with you tonight,” he said, almost as if he were talking to a small child. “Trust me, tomorrow after you’ve had a good night’s rest, you will thank me for making this choice for us.”
I knew there was no point in trying to convince him anymore. He let a silence pass.
“Do you want me to walk you to your door?”
I took a deep breath, letting it resonate that I had told Ethan exactly what I wanted from him to make me feel better, and he wasn’t willing to give it to me. I added anger and embarrassment to the list of emotions I was feeling.
“No, I’m fine,” I managed to get out calmly. “Thanks for the ride.” I let myself out without kissing him goodbye.
I wanted him to chase after me, grab me in his arms, and plead for me to forgive him. As I walked through the door to my building and heard his car drive away, it was very clear that the dramatic conclusion I envisioned would not be happening.
I understood that my request was a grey area. Sleeping next to someone wasn’t a sin, but it opened the possibility for sinful behavior, i.e. sex before marriage. Acting in a way that led to the mere assumption that someone had acted unchaste was viewed by a lot of people in the young adult group as almost as bad, if not just as bad, as premarital sex. They would often reference the Bible when this was brought up in discussion. I didn’t agree, so I never put forth the effort to remember their supporting evidence...something, somewhere in Mark…maybe. Too bad I was unable to recall any piece of scripture that tells you to mind your own damn business.
It
wasn’t like I made a habit of spending the night with boyfriends. Honestly, it was only with Sean a handful of times after falling asleep while watching a movie, or the one time I got my wisdom teeth out and he took care of me. It was so comforting to be held in someone’s arms who loved me and who I loved back. It made perfect sense that that was what I needed and wanted that night from Ethan.
As I lay in bed, I kept replaying how Ethan had denied my request. How he had talked to me like I was proposing something that was harmful to both of us. I questioned whether something I had viewed as completely innocent was, in fact, sinful. I just couldn’t see how it could be, given my intentions and knowing the type of guy Ethan was.
Did I have something to be ashamed of? Were there any circumstances, outside of being married, where Ethan would have honored my request? Like maybe if I was sick or if someone I knew had died? Something told me that the context wouldn’t have mattered to him and he would have made the same decision.
I thought of all the ways he could have met me halfway. He could have offered to stay until I fell asleep or slept on the floor next to the bed. He could have offered to do something else, but instead he just told me no and left it at that. I realized that compromising, even when it came to someone he claimed to love, was not something that Ethan was willing to do.
THOMAS
I had to admit, I was excited to be at Safeco Field again to see the Mariners, even if I was going to the game with a priest.
“Hey, Thomas,” Father Sean called my attention to him.
“Hey.”
“Sorry I’m a little late. I took the light rail and got turned around.”
“Aren’t you from Seattle?”
“Heck no. Iowan, born and raised,” he said proudly.
“The over the top friendliness is all making sense now,” I replied.
“Exactly. Anyway, let’s get in there. I think you’re going to be pretty blown away by how great the seats are,” he said excitedly before turning to walk towards the gate.
When we entered onto the first level, that was enough for me to be impressed. Then an usher led us down the aisle all the way to the fifth row behind home plate.
“Is it good to be Harold Warren, or what?”
I barely nodded my head, still in awe.
“I think I’m in the wrong profession.”
“You’re not the one who took a vow of poverty,” he joked.
I sat down.
“I’m going to get some dogs before it gets too busy. You want?”
“Yeah, sure.” I started to get up.
“It’s fine, I got it.” He motioned for me to sit back down. He walked away before I had a chance to argue.
I relaxed back into my seat and let him go. I proceeded to take a picture and send it to Michael, knowing he would share my excitement, and reveling in how jealous he would be.
After I texted Michael, without thinking too much about it, I sent the picture to Maura:
My Saturday night is already better than yours.
Was it weird that I had just sent her a text gloating about my Saturday night? In the past, I had only texted her clear-cut questions, never anything random like that. I wondered if she would respond or if there would be nothing for the rest of the night. I should have thought about that before sending the text like an idiot...but I don’t know why I was so concerned. The comment was no different than something I would have said to her in person.
My phone went off and I looked down to see Michael’s response.
Fuck you.
I let out a laugh. Father Sean returned with two hot dogs and two beers. He held out the carrier for me to grab my hot dog and cup of over-priced beer.
“Thanks.” I reached for my wallet.
“Nah, man, it’s cool,” he waved off my offer to pay him back.
“Are you sure?” I asked with my hand still on my wallet, ready to reimburse him. I knew my mother would be seriously disappointed in me if I let a priest pay for my food. In fact, she would probably be highly embarrassed by the fact that I hadn’t bought him dinner.
“Yeah, seriously, you can hit me back later. Honestly, you’re doing me a favor. My only other options for people to bring were the other Blessed Sacrament priests, and they get so cranky after nine o’clock. Especially Father Bernard.”.
“What about all those guys who go to church with Maura?”
“The guys in the young adult group?” he clarified.
I nodded, thinking any of them would jump at the opportunity to go to a game with him.
He gave me a look. “No, definitely not. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’re fine guys, just not the type I want to go to a ballgame with.”
He could tell I wasn’t grasping what made me a better choice.
“I’m making the assumption that you don’t really view me as a church authority or highly influential in your faith journey?”
I wondered if it was a trick question and didn’t answer him.
“Anyway, sometimes it’s nice to hang out with somebody who doesn’t see me as their spiritual leader, and I can just relax and be normal. Well, as normal as a priest can be,” he joked. “Outside of the priory, I don’t get much opportunity because they recommend you only let down around family and close friends who knew you before you took your vows,” he explained. “But all of those people are in Iowa – besides Maura, who pretty much wants to slap me anytime she sees me, naturally.”
I laughed. He wasn’t as clueless about Maura as I had thought.
“Anyway, I appreciate having someone to go to the game with.”
There was a pause in conversation as we started to eat. I was taking in what Father Sean had just shared. I had never thought about the social drawbacks of being a priest, other than the obvious one of not having sex.
“So, is Michael your only brother?”
I wasn’t surprised that Father Sean was not the type to let a lull in conversation last too long. It was funny how much he and Maura had in common. I finished chewing.
“Yeah, but I have an older sister, too. I just texted Michael the view from our seats. He’s pretty pissed off,” I informed him proudly.
“That’s cold-hearted,” Father Sean reflected. “Remind me to send one to my brother,” he added. “Did you play ball?”
“In high school. Mostly outfield, sometimes second base.”
“I’ve been playing in this beer league with some of the grad students who go to Newman and their friends. We need another player. You interested? We play Thursdays at six in Ravenna Park.”
The idea of getting to play baseball again was intriguing, but then again, I pictured having to play with a bunch of guys like Ethan. That was less than appealing. Father Sean sensed my hesitation.
“I promise we just play and grab a beer afterwards. Four guys on the team aren’t even Catholic.”
“Thursdays?”
He nodded.
“Sure, why not?” I figured I could always come up with some excuse to quit if it turned out to be weird.
Within minutes, they had us standing for the National Anthem and the game was underway. Father Sean followed the unwritten rules of going to a baseball game with another guy, meaning he didn’t talk very much and when he did, it had to do with the game. I appreciated that.
In the bottom of the second, Cano hit a home run into right field, bringing in one additional run. The stadium went wild. When things calmed down, Father Sean turned to me.
“Last time I was here, like five years ago, Griffey was back, and I was in that same section with Maura. Bottom of the seventh, Mariners down by one against the A’s, and Griffey just smashes one out there. So textbook, so beautiful. It heads right for us and I catch it. Probably one of the manliest moments I’ve ever had in my life. I give Maura the ball, thinking I’m the most amazing guy ever,” he pa
used, holding my attention with his story, “and within two minutes she ended up giving it to some seven-year-old boy a couple seats down from us.” He shook his head, disappointment showing on his face. “And that’s the real reason we broke up,” he said in a serious tone but then quickly smiled. “Man, I was so pissed...scratch that, I’m still pissed...I totally would’ve asked for the ball back in the breakup if she hadn’t been so altruistic and given it away. I mean, seriously, Ken Griffey Jr!” he lamented.
“I’m surprised you’re still willing to talk to her,” I said, thinking how upset I would’ve been had that happened to me five years ago. In fact, I didn’t think I would’ve given the ball to any woman I’d ever dated to start with. I wondered what that said about me.
At that moment, my phone went off. Maura had responded.
I don’t know -- I AM watching Seven Brides for Seven Brothers with my mom tonight. It’s a tie.
Bless your beautiful hide.
I referenced...teased…flirted…shit, it was getting harder to tell.
Her response was cleverer than I expected.
It’s a good thing you’re in a place that has an excess of balls…you seem to have lost yours.
I was unable to keep from laughing, which got Father Sean’s attention.
“Your brother going off about the seats again?” He looked over briefly at me before looking back at the game.
“Uh, no, it was just Maura.”
In any other circumstance it would’ve been weird admitting that I was talking to his ex-girlfriend. But since he had decided to become a priest, I felt like the normal rules of territory didn’t apply...not that I was even interested in her in that way. She was just a friend.
“Huh,” he reflected, mimicking my nonchalant tone. He paused while Hernandez made the third out, then turned back to me while the Red Sox took the field. “You two talk a lot?”
“Not really. You know Maura; she’s friendly with everybody.”
“True,” he agreed, neither of us facing one another now, our eyes on the batter. After Seager got on first, I took the opportunity to respond to Maura.
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