“So, do you have any plans today besides Mass?” Thomas was now sitting up with his arms propped on his bent knees. Of course he could sound so casual in this circumstance, given the number of times he had undoubtedly been in it before.
I ignored his question and kept my eyes locked on my phone, trying to decide whether I should go to Mass at all, feeling too guilty to even set foot in a church.
“Because I was thinking we could go get some pancakes,” he suggested.
“Um, I’m not really hungry.” The guilt had firmly settled itself into my stomach by that point.
“Well,” he said as he grabbed the phone from my hands to place it back down on the nightstand.
I finally looked at him for the first time that morning.
“Maybe I could help you....” he put both of his hands on my hips and turned me back down onto the bed “…work up an appetite.”
He kissed my neck as his hand went up the side of my thigh, bringing back the memory of how everything had started the night before. I quickly broke away and sat up, brushing his hand away. He sat up next to me and looked at me with confusion.
“Is my morning breath that bad?” he joked.
I didn’t answer.
“Something wrong?”
I remained silent.
“Okay.” He rubbed the back of his neck.
Not wanting to risk him kissing me again, I stood up.
“So, obviously last night…” I attempted to explain, but faltered as he stared at me. “Look, Thomas, I don’t do what I did last night,” I fumbled.
“But you did,” he countered. “With me,” he added proudly.
I let out a sigh.
“I didn’t mean to,” I told him.
He let out a laugh. It was warranted. I knew I had no excuse for what had happened, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to try and find one.
“It’s this whole breakup with Ethan,” I blurted. “It’s just been really upsetting and I guess I was just lonely, and–”
“Horny,” he filled in.
I pursed my lips. I hated how relaxed he looked while I stood there completely flustered, still confused by my uncharacteristic actions.
“We obviously drank too much last night,” I explained. “And we made a mistake.”
I finally looked into his eyes to see if he was accepting any of my explanation. He stood up in front of me. Before I could back away, his hand was on my hip again. I didn’t attempt to move, knowing I liked being close to him more than I should have.
“See, I’ve made a lot of mistakes,” he said calmly, “but I’m pretty confident in saying that last night wasn’t one of them.”
Before I knew it, his mouth was on mine, and we were kissing again. Damn it. Why did he have to be such a good kisser? It had become extremely evident last night when Thomas first kissed me that the whole time I’d been with Ethan, I had been trying to talk myself into thinking I enjoyed kissing him more than I actually did. As I stood there letting Thomas kiss me, it was as if I hadn’t been kissed properly in such a long time that I physically would not allow myself to break away, unsure of the next time it would happen.
The kiss was becoming somewhat uncomfortable, given our height difference, and I started to wish he would pull me down on the bed again. When he didn’t, I contemplated pulling him down onto the bed instead. I would be playing with fire if I took that step, likely ending up in the same position I’d been in the night before, if not worse.
But I had already made that mistake once, so was it that big of a deal if I ended up making it again? I mean, I already had to go to confession anyway. Thomas moved his lips down to my neck and I opened my eyes to see my crucifix hanging above my door.
“Okay, no,” I announced, pushing away from Thomas and catching my breath. “We can’t do this again,” I tried to sound determined. To be safe, I moved to the other side of the room.
“Why not? We’re pretty good at it.”
I desperately wanted him to put clothes on so that I wouldn’t have to think about how defined his abs were or what his skin felt like against mine.
“Look, I know you’re used to doing this...and more...but I don’t do this,” I reiterated.
“But you did,” he repeated, “with me.”
“Yes. And I shouldn’t have. I mean – what did you expect? That I would just wake up and want to keep fooling around with you?”
“I don’t know, Maura, I hadn’t really thought beyond wanting to take you out to breakfast this morning,” he said simply.
“Oh, is that how you normally thank your conquests after getting what you want?” For some reason, I thought it was best to project my shame onto him.
“Maura, what are you talking about?” He sounded legitimately confused, but I had convinced myself that his intentions could be nothing but selfish.
“Don’t think I don’t know that you were plotting this to embarrass me,” I accused.
“Plotting what?”
“The whole casual, meaningless sex thing. Oh, it would be so funny to prove that Maura is just as bad as everybody else when it comes to self-control.”
“You think last night was meaningless?” he raised his voice.
“What else would it be, Thomas? Like you’re even capable of anything else,” I said bluntly.
Without saying anything, he put his shorts on and grabbed his shirt.
Had I offended him?
He finished pulling on his shirt and walked past me into the living room. I followed him.
“Well, the least you could do is apologize,” I irrationally demanded, thinking that’s what most guys I had dated would have done.
“What?” he laughed with disbelief as he turned to me. “Apologize for what? For giving you an orgasm and not getting one in return?”
I crossed my arms, uncomfortable with how blunt he was being. I still looked at him expectantly, trying to maintain some sense of righteousness. His eyes grew wide in response to my look.
“Oh, I see. You think I took advantage of you.” He shook his head. “Look Maura, it’s fine if the other guys want to be the champions of your purity, but I never claimed that responsibility. And frankly, I think it’s bullshit for you, as an adult, to let things get that far, consent multiple times, and still expect someone else to apologize when you’re the one who didn’t uphold your own ridiculous standards,” he critiqued, grabbing his wallet and phone off the kitchen counter. “If you want to be pissed off at someone, look in the mirror.”
He moved to the door and slipped his sandals on. “And for the record, nothing about last night was meaningless or casual to me,” he said pointedly. “I thought I knew you well enough to expect the same from you.”
“Oh, like I’m really supposed to believe that?” I defended. “You’re the one who’s always insisted that every guy is just looking to get laid and that you have no desire to have a serious relationship with anyone. You win, Thomas, I had a moment of weakness and you got in my pants. There’s no need to lie about your intentions and make me think it was more than it was. The least you could do is be honest.”
He had his hand on the doorknob, clearly ready to be done with me, but then he looked up at me.
“Fine.” He paused. “Honestly, last night I thought I had a shot with you.”
“A shot with me? What? Like you want to date me?” I said, my tone making the idea sound absurd. I hadn’t been expecting him to say that.
He stared back at me, not saying anything, but confirming the question.
“What? Thomas, that’s ridiculous,” I responded impulsively. “I don’t date guys like you.”
“I know,” he responded quietly, “I guess in the moment, it just didn’t seem so unlikely.”
We stood there in silence. I was dumbfounded by his confession. I wanted to justify to him why I wou
ld never date him, but I couldn’t get past the fact that he had admitted to wanting to be with me. I had always assumed I was the last person on earth that he would even consider wanting a romantic relationship with.
“Okay,” he said again, just as quietly. “I guess I’ll see you around then.”
He turned and let himself out.
***
It was surprisingly easy to go to work on Monday and pretend like nothing had happened. I’d been in back-to-back meetings all day and avoided having Sydney ask the inevitable question of how my Saturday night ended. In my fit of neurosis, I had begun to wonder if Sydney had set me up for the whole thing – but I knew I was the only one to blame for my actions.
By Tuesday morning, Sydney was so distracted with getting ready for her upcoming vacation that she seemed to have forgotten all about Saturday. She was more concerned about coordinating the coverage of her cases while she was on vacation than anything else. Normally, having to take on the entire workload of another person on top of my own for two weeks would have overwhelmed me, but now I welcomed being buried in work...anything to keep from thinking about him.
“So, it looks like the annual summary and plan for River is due in two weeks,” I mentioned to Sydney as she sat with her back to me.
“Yeah, you don’t have to worry about that. I talked to the county worker and there’s an extension. I’ll take care of it when I get back.”
“Oh that’s fine, I can do it,” I said, adding it to my list. She turned around and inspected my face.
“You already have to complete three of my intakes and go to four court hearings on top of three IEPs while I’m gone.”
“I know,” I said breezily and went back to my computer screen before she could examine my eyes too much.
“Okay,” she granted, “but don’t stress about it if it doesn’t get done. The meeting isn’t scheduled until the eighth anyway.” She turned back to her desk.
We went back to working in silence. I was quite pleased with myself for the way I’d held my composure for the past two days. In the past, a similar situation with a guy would have left me a neurotic mess in front of Sydney. Perhaps it was the fact that I didn’t really care about Thomas as much as other guys. That was a lie; I just didn’t have the decency to admit to anyone that I had done something wrong.
A few minutes later Sydney got up and grabbed a notepad and pen. She looked over at me. I stared back blankly.
“Are you coming to the meeting?” she asked.
I raised an eyebrow and pulled up my calendar.
“With Sean. It was scheduled like a month ago,” she filled in. The blood rushed to my cheeks.
“Oh yeah, of course,” I tried to recover, grabbing for various items at my desk, feigning preparedness. Clumsily, I stood up.
“Really? He still has that effect on you?”
I gave her a pointed look but didn’t bother to say anything. I followed her to the conference room.
Anxious thoughts flooded my head. Thomas was going to be brought up. I had been in denial about the professional consequences of what I had done Saturday night until that point. Since the program was on break for the summer, he wasn’t technically a current volunteer. I probably couldn’t get fired if anyone found out. But after the way I had treated him, it was likely he wouldn’t want to volunteer anymore.
Take a deep breath and act natural. Maybe he won’t come up at all. I snorted to myself. Now there’s a delusion.
Of course, telling myself to act natural was one thing, but having my body actually achieve that state was impossible. Within seconds of sitting down I started bobbing my leg nervously while I picked at my fingernails. I looked over to see Sydney staring at me while she sat reclined in her chair, relaxed as always.
“What is up with you?” she laughed.
“Nothing. I’m fine. Too much coffee,” I lied.
“You’d think you’d never been around a priest before.”
Just then Ann and Sean walked in. He was wearing his blacks.
“No white robes today, Father?” Sydney observed, shaking his hand.
“You know, sometimes it’s good to break out of the habit,” he joked. It was a bad enough joke that I probably would have said it myself.
I didn’t respond.
“Wow, not even a laugh from Maura. I guess it wasn’t as clever of a pun as I thought.” He took a seat and stared at me for a second.
Damn it, he knows something is wrong.
I sat up straight and willed my leg to hold still. He looked over at Ann.
“Thank you for meeting with me. I don’t want to take up too much of your time. I just wanted to let everybody know that our Newman donors were extremely impressed with what was put together with the voc-ed program last spring and they would like to continue their support.”
“So, are we thinking about expanding to other skill sets?” Sydney asked.
“Not quite yet,” Ann shared. “The board of directors and I think that it would be best to grow the program slowly. We had a great first three months, but let’s see how we do with offering the program for a full year before we start offering multiple vocational tracks. Maura, your report from last month was great and I think it not only let us know what really worked, but also where we could improve. Before we launch it again in the fall, do you guys have any specific thoughts, beyond what was in the report?”
There was a silence as I continued to hold my breath, hoping that no one would bring up Thomas. Sean, always one to disappoint me, opened his big mouth.
“Well, I don’t know if it’s been officially decided or not, but I think it would be really great if Thomas O’Hollaren came back as the instructor. From what I saw, he was fantastic with the teenagers and also very knowledgeable.” He looked over at Sydney and me for confirmation.
“Maura, you said that Thomas told you in June that he was planning to come back, right?” Ann brought me into the conversation.
“Uh, yes, he did say that last month,” I confirmed slowly, evading eye contact with Sean. “But,” I paused, “you know, a lot can change over the summer; I’m not sure if he’s still interested.”
Sydney raised her brow at me.
“Did he say something to you on Saturday?” she asked in a lower tone, trying to direct the question at just me, which was pointless, seeing as how everyone heard her ask it.
“No, not…” I paused, trying to select my words carefully, “not specifically. I just think, you know, with the break over the summer, it’s probably a good idea for Ann to confirm that he’s still interested, and if not, it will give us time to find a replacement.”
Sydney and Sean stared at me, simultaneously trying to read my face. Luckily, Ann was nodding her head.
“That sounds like a good plan, Maura. I’ll follow up with him later and hopefully be able to get a commitment. What other feedback do you guys have?”
“Well, I thought it was good that Sydney and Maura were present for the meetings on Wednesdays,” Sean said. “Especially since a crisis response was needed at least once and Maura was able to de-escalate the situation.”
“What were your guys’ thoughts on that?” Ann turned it back to Sydney and me.
“I thought it was good,” Sydney agreed. “And I think Thomas probably found it helpful.”
A silence passed.
“So, I was thinking,” I prayed that the idea I was about to present wouldn’t sound suspicious, “that it might be a good idea if only one of us supported the program, rather than switching off week to week. You know, for the sake of consistency.” I paused. “I just feel like, personally, I wasn’t super interested in being out in the garage, and it seemed like more of Sydney’s forte.”
Sydney was going to kill me later for not warning her about the suggestion beforehand, but since I was making it up on the spot, there really had been
no opportunity to prep her. “I would be willing to take on extra responsibilities in other areas to make sure the work is distributed fairly.”
“Syd, do you have any thoughts about that?” Ann asked before granting my request. I continued to look straight ahead.
“Uh, no, not at the moment,” she said calmly, willing to blindly follow my lead.
“Okay, we will look into that as it gets closer to the fall and see what Maura can take off your plate to even things out.”
I felt the tension in my muscles release slightly with Ann’s response. Hopefully, removing myself from the program would be enough to keep Thomas involved. I would feel so guilty if my one night of carelessness led to the youth losing a competent instructor who they had actually made a connection with. I stayed quiet for the rest of the meeting. Luckily, it didn’t last much longer. We were excused. I mumbled a goodbye to Sean before retreating to my desk.
“You want to explain what’s going on?” Sydney asked, closing our office door behind her. I stayed silent, not knowing where to start.
“Unless you just really believe that the lesbian is a better fit for auto shop, which was an easy sell to Ann, so I guess you’re not the only one pushing the stereotype around here.”
I ignored her sarcasm and blurted my explanation. “I had outercourse with Thomas Saturday night.”
“Did you just say ‘outercourse’?” she asked, more focused on my terminology than my confession.
“Well, it wasn’t sex...but you know, things happened,” I struggled to articulate.
“What kind of things?”
“You know, the thing that happens when you do that,” I remained vague, still too embarrassed to divulge the details with another person.
“Ejaculation?” she searched, still confused.
“No, not that,” I exclaimed. “The other thing.”
She continued to look at me, not understanding.
“You know, that, but for a girl.”
“Jesus, it’s like talking to a fourteen-year-old,” Sydney said with frustration. “Do you need to draw a picture?”
Somewhere Unexpected Page 17