I didn’t want to stop there but I did. Hell, I would bite my tongue off if I needed to keep from telling her how much I loved her. I had loved her from the first time I laid my eyes on her smiling face but I can’t, I won’t. She deserves so much more than I can offer. I’m the spawn of a drug dealer and an addict. I have never let myself love another person and now… I love her so much it hurts.
Reese
After swinging and jumping from the rope swing a good handful of times I was ready to get out of the ice cold water. I was starting to get webbed toes and the goose bumps were becoming sore. I had so much fun with Garrison, just him and me with not much talking, just being together. It hurt me what Cannon said about him, and I wanted to comfort him but I also knew him well enough to know he wasn’t going to like that.
We were sitting in the sun trying to warm up when I had to ask the question I had been wondering about for the entire year.
“Why do you hate Cannon?”
He smirked. “How much time do you have?”
“Then just give me like the top five reasons.”
“He is a jerk, always tries to compete with me. He put a friend of mine in a damn mental hospital when we were sophomores. He used to buy weed from my dad, and he was trying to take advantage of you.”
My mouth dropped.
“Is that enough or would you like more?”
“No, that’s enough and more than I ever thought. I knew there had to be a good reason.”
“Can we change the subject?”
“Of course.” It was silent for a few minutes, and I knew he was thinking of everything he had just said. I leaned my head on his shoulder and wanted to tell him how much I cherished his friendship and how much I really did love him. I thought better of it and instead in my head said the one thing I wanted to say out loud and knew I couldn’t. I want all my firsts with you. You just gave me one and I’ll always remember it.
“What are you smiling about?” He asked me.
“Oh nothing, just happy. I’ve had fun today.”
“Yeah me too, Reese.”
“We better head back. I know Autumn will be wondering where I went.”
“Yeah we better.”
We walked back and just before we got there he stopped me. “Reese...”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks for choosing me.”
“Always, Garrison.”
Garrison
I get home late after a full day at Guadalupe with Dylan and Reese. It was a fantastic day. It is hard to believe it was my last day at the river as a high school student. I had the willpower of a horse today. There were so many times I wanted to tell Reese I was falling for her. Hell that I had already fallen for her. That she was weakening me. She was the first person I thought of when I got up and the last before I drifted off to sleep at night. It used to be my music. I would play different beats in my head. It was something I started when I was younger trying to drown out the fighting or loudness of my parents.
Today was my only free day to go to the river. Tomorrow I have a gig with Dylan and this is a big thing for the band. Someone is going to be there that is trying to recruit the band to go on the road as an opening band. I, of course, will not be going with them but it was huge for them. They all knew my commitment to the band was only through high school and then I would leave for college. Many times they lectured me about how my talent would be wasted but I disagreed.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a DEA agent and help rid the world of what had taken so much from me… Drugs.
I got home with a stack of disconnect notices on our door. The only way we made it was Ellen. She had taken care of me since Dad was in prison. She married a wealthy businessman who had money from oil. They were more than happy to send us anything we didn’t have which was just about everything. I was going to get a job but Ellen refused. She didn’t want me to pay for any more of my parent’s mistakes.
Thank God she did otherwise I would be living on the streets. Dylan’s parents had offered to take me in but I wasn’t going to do that to them. I was not their responsibility. His mom actually was friends with my mom all through school but stopped contact with her when she started with my dad and drugs. I didn’t blame her a bit. I knew I always had a home there but I didn’t want to burden anyone.
My goal now is, as it always has been, to get through high school and go to college then to the academy. I didn’t plan on meeting Reese though and the feelings I have for her are overwhelming. I wanted to pour my heart out to her and tell her everything I had been going through. I knew she would never judge me and hold it against me. She had already proved that in more than one circumstance. Just the fact we are still friends after she saw me the way I was that day when I was taking her home.
My life was in no way comparable to any other person I knew. I’ve had the responsibility of an adult since I was a child. My parents sure weren’t parents.
How many kids do you know that had to do their own grocery shopping and pay the bills when their mother forgot about them because she had used any money she made to buy drugs or alcohol? I had been doing this since my dad was in prison. I learned a long time ago I could do my best and soldier on or I could fall into the same footsteps and live the life I hated so much. No way in hell. I was determined I would be somebody.
My aunt, my band director and school counselor were probably the only people that believed in me. Of course, Dylan and my band members believed in me but they believed in me for their own selfish reasons.
Chapter 12
Garrison
Tonight The Pier was much busier than I have ever seen it. The place was packed and I wished I had told Reese about it so she could come. The owner really promoted us tonight. The band was laying on the pressure thick tonight.
Right before we went on the stage, Dylan gave me a lecture. “Listen, man, I know you are done with the band in a couple of weeks although we wish you would reconsider, but the rest of us are trying to live our dream. All I'm asking is that you do your best tonight.”
“I always do my best, Dylan.
“I get that, but I know you are ready to get out of town. I wanted you to know how important this is to me, to us.”
“I get it.” I patted him on the back. I would never hurt something they had worked so hard for. “Dylan…”
“Ya.”
“I don’t know if I have ever thanked you for always being there for me. You’ve always treated me like I was just like you…”
“You are, man.”
We took the stage and we all performed better than we ever had. I don’t know if it was the excitement of knowing someone was there checking us out or if we were all just feeling it. I zoned out and played better than I ever have in my life. I even thought for a minute how I would love to do this for a living, but I knew better. I would never be happy living a life like this. Hell my childhood was a total chaotic mess. Something I was sure I wanted no part of.
At the end of the set, Dylan announced I was going to sing a song with him that I wrote.
“It’s a little slower than our other music but I think you’ll get the message.”
The audience clapped.
“How many people out there are in love with someone but can’t tell them?”
Thank God I didn’t invite Reese. Way to intro there, Dylan!
The crowd went crazy screaming.
I put my drumsticks down and stood up with Dylan by the mic. Something I was not comfortable with doing. I hated the spotlight, always had.
“This is a special song, written for a special someone, and this is the first time it’s being sung live. I dedicate it to my one and only Reese.”
I pick a spot on the wall in the back and start to sing. I didn’t look anywhere but that wall but I sang my heart out. I sang as if Reese was here, and I was singing it to her knowing, in reality, she had read the song for several months now. She had asked once and I told her it was someone she didn’t know. She
never questioned it lucky for me. I swear by the end of the song, I envisioned her being here watching me and clapping for me.
For the first time I had sung this song, I had sung it completely. I sang the verses I usually don’t since I knew she wasn’t here. You are it for me, always were and always will be.
When I finished and took my stare off the back wall, everyone was clapping and hollering. I had a lump in my throat that I couldn’t get down and the only words I could coherently say were, “Thank you.”
I walked off the stage and wiped my face that was covered in sweat.
“Damn, dude, that song, I mean we have played it before but tonight there was something in you… I don’t know, words can’t explain it.”
“Yeah, I know… that’s how I am feeling. Totally sucks.”
“Garrison, take a chance, just tell her. I’m sure it’s mutual.”
“We have had this discussion before man. I will not let her know how much I love her.”
“But what if you do? She’ll be done with school in two years and you can live happily ever after.”
“No, I’m not good enough for her.”
“Well, the crowd out there sure thought you were good enough. I think you’re more than good enough. You are better than any guy I know. The sooner you let this shit go the better. Stop torturing yourself on something you had no control over.”
I had heard enough. “I gotta go, man.”
“Yeah, yeah I know.” He knew I was going to shut him up but he still got his two cents in like he always does.
Reese
Autumn and I went to The Pier to see the band play. Dylan had told Autumn about it and wanted us to come see them again. It was going to be the last time that Garrison would be playing with the band. They were supposedly having some guy, who was interested in them being an opening band for another band that was starting to make the big time. They had wanted some fresh new rock band. Since it was a restaurant-live music venue, I was able to get my parents to agree. They also knew I was going to see Garrison and since I had him over for dinner, they really liked him. What’s not to like?
We sat at a table in the back since we got there later than I had hoped. I could barely see Garrison. I had never seen so many people gathered around to watch a band. I knew they were good but nothing compared to tonight. They are really going to make it. I smiled with pride seeing them so in sync with each other.
Autumn says, “Holy hell! I sure do wish musicians did it for me! Dylan looks hot tonight.”
“I don’t know what Garrison looks like since I can’t see him! Thanks for that by the way.”
We ordered some onion rings and Dr. Pepper and felt like we were at a rock concert. They played cover songs of bands we loved and then some originals. I could definitely tell Garrison had put his energy into it.
The whole world as I knew it froze when Dylan introduced Garrison to sing a song he helped write and came to the front to sing. I had read it several times on Garrison’s porch and knew exactly the one they were talking about.
Garrison announces the song and that it is for me… I am the one… the luckiest girl in the world.
He sings the song, and I remember the beautiful words but with the band accompanying his voice… It took my breath away. It was beautiful. My heart skipped a beat, and I felt the tears filling my eyes. The words…
When you love a girl from a distance, you want to touch her cheek so badly, bring her close when she is suffering, and protect her from heartache. Be the only one that gets to love her and promise her a forever.
Dreaming of a future with her that won’t exist when my mask falls and she sees the real me because I am not half as good as she is. Maybe this one girl can heal my stubborn heart and teach me love is worth it. Because in the end, baby, all my heart wants is you and me. You are it for me, always were and always will be.
I remember one day I asked him and he said it was for someone I didn’t know. I thought I would do anything to be the object of his affection.
It looked like he was staring back at me but he never acted like he really saw me. I had never seen him perform like this, drumming, yeah, and he is an unbelievable drummer but singing as the band played, damn. He was talented. He looked incredible up on that stage.
When the song ended I was full of tears. He was an amazing performer and had beat so much in life.
I kicked Autumn in the shin to get her attention. She was in a blank stare just as I was in total shock from the song. She had never heard it before.
“Ouch, why did you kick me, Reese? Holy shit, that song was for you!”
I stood up. “We gotta go.” I reached for her hand and pulled her out through the people.
We got outside the door and I slowed down.
“I can’t let him know we were here. This was his big night but I wanted to see him so badly.”
Once we got into the car Autumn shocked me. “Reese, I think I might have been wrong about Garrison. I think he really loves you.”
“Ya, I do too. Too bad he won’t do anything about it.”
~ ~ ~
I debated in my head whether I wanted him to know I saw him tonight and that I saw his amazing performance. After I realized just because one person has those feelings for the other doesn’t mean the other should feel guilty about not having them. Now I know he feels the same way but he isn’t going to act on them. I’m hurt, but I would be strong for him because he was so important to me. It would take time for me to accept it but I would, I didn’t have a choice.
Reese: Hey you! Great performance tonight.
Delete.
Reese: You brought tears to my eyes.
Delete.
Reese: I know you had sung it for me before but seeing you tonight performing it--just wow!
Delete.
Reese: The crowd was amazing tonight. You should be very proud. Delete… I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him what my heart has wanted to say all along because I want to respect his feelings of our friendship.
I started to cry. Falling asleep with my phone in my hand, I pretended that I was in his presence, and he was here with me.
Garrison
I get to my truck after having the best experience of my life with the band. Singing the song I wrote out loud was freeing. I’ve been thinking of one person all night and I have to text her.
Garrison: Reese, I just left the gig. Most likely the last time I will ever play with the band. I sang the song I wrote. I sang it like you were sitting in front of me listening and you were the only one in the room listening. The song I wrote so easily because it was all about you. You have brought so much happiness into my life that I never knew existed. I’m so afraid to tell you how much I love and care for you because… because… I’m no good for you. I love you so much, Reese.
Delete… I can’t. I can’t tell her how I feel. I won’t possibly send this to her. Not now. Maybe never.
I wish she would have been there tonight but then I was relieved that she wasn’t. I wouldn’t have been able to sing that song like I did tonight knowing she was here. My dedication of the song would have only hurt her more. She wasn’t someone I could ignore and when she was around I felt her. She was an angel and I was somewhere between heaven and hell. More hell when she wasn’t around. She made everything better when I saw her smile. She calmed me. Now when I am around her, I am fighting myself, she has broken me down knocking down my wall letting me believe we could have a chance. That I was really good enough for her.
Garrison: I wish you would’ve come tonight so I could have seen you. The crowd really was amazing tonight. My adrenaline was pumping big time.
Garrison: Anyway, you would’ve loved the performance. It will probably be my last one with the band.
Garrison: I…
Garrison: I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight, Reese.
~ ~ ~
I walk up to my house and hear music playing really loud. I knew when I was walking in it wasn’t going to
be what I wanted to see. Mom was lying on the couch with a bottle of liquor and singing to the music. She was drunk again.
“Really, Mom?” I leaned over her disgusted.
“I went to see your dad today.”
“So?”
“So!”
“I wanted to show him this letter that was in the mail.”
She threw it at me and it hit me in the chest.
“Congratulations, Garrison Davis, for your acceptance into Texas State for a major in Criminal Justice.”
Oh crap.
She sat up and looked at me with hate filled eyes.
“This is a joke right?”
An Ordinary Me Page 12