by nikki blaire
But, ultimately, he prayed that he succeeded.
****
The restaurant where Ayda and her mother always had lunch was more crowded than usual, so they had been nestled into a smaller table in the back to Claudette’s disapproval.
“If we kept up with our standing reservation then we wouldn’t have to worry about our table being given away.” She sipped on her glass of water, but Ayda was barely registering her words anymore. Claudette had complained the entire lunch, so naturally, Ayda had tuned her out thirty minutes ago.
“We may as well be near the kitchen.” She sneered, but again, Ayda’s mind was somewhere else. Anywhere else, but there actually. Having lunch with her mother had not been the gem of an idea that Ayda originally hoped it would be.
“Ayda, are you even listening to me? There you go again, off in your head.”
“Sorry, mother. I’ve just got a lot on my mind with this new promotion.” She rattled off a rehearsed response then lifted her wine to her lips for a sip. The liquid, which usually soothed her, fell flat on her tongue, so she just sighed and put it down. Everything felt dull these days.
“We still need to go shopping. You will not start this new job still dressing so...casually.” Claudette scorned. Ayda glanced down at the designer dress that she was wearing, specifically to please her mother. She had never cared too much for labels mostly because her figure often didn’t fit into those clothes. Still, she had tried to be impressive today, but as usual, her efforts went unnoticed.
“I think I dress just fine. Everyone compliments my clothes except for you.” Ayda found herself saying to her own chagrin. She hadn’t intended to let those thoughts slip out.
Tremaine always loves what I wear.
She thought to herself, but now wasn’t the time to let her mind drift to him.
“Well, you did look very nice at the Spring Gala. Almost like your old self. That was a gorgeous dress. I just didn’t like the way you had your hair. All wild.”
“My natural hair isn’t wild, Mother.” She swallowed a derisive laugh, but that was all that she could control. Seconds later, more words started spilling out without the usual filter that she used when talking to Claudette. “You always have to find something, don’t you? It’s like you can’t go one moment without critiquing something about me. Am I that much of a disappointment?”
Her real thoughts and feelings were out, lying on the table, waiting for her mother to respond. Ayda’s heart pounded, but the feeling of regret that she had been sure would rise up in her chest never did. She had meant what she said.
“No. You’re not a disappointment, Ayda. Why would you think that, and I don’t critique you. I just make suggestions.”
“Now is not the time to play coy, Mother. If you don’t like my life’s choices then just say so. I get enough of the backhanded comments from Dad and Marc, so I know exactly what all of your suggestions mean. I swear, the only thing you’ve sincerely been pleased with in regards to me has been…”
She wouldn’t say his name out loud because that would only bring the reality of them not speaking closer to the forefront of her mind. Claudette gawked at her daughter with a tight scowl before the lines around her face eased into a frown. Then her expression drooped into full-blown sadness.
“I’m not disappointed in you at all, Ayda.” The pretense that usually lined her voice evaporated. “I’m disappointed in myself.” She sighed. “At some point, we drifted apart, and I think, maybe, I’ve been dealing with it by being...this way.” She let her shoulders drop down and eased back into her chair. “I’m not myself these days. I’m...all over the place.” She confessed to Ayda’s complete shock. In a matter of seconds, her mother had transformed from Claudette Forde to a tired-looking woman that Ayda barely recognized. Claudette ran her fingers through her thick, straight hair then propped her elbows up onto the table. Ayda almost gasped at the unladylike gesture coming from her mother.
“Mother, Mom...are you alright?” She reached for her, but Claudette waved her outstretched hand away.
“I will be.” She nodded then sat back up straight. “All I’m saying is that you’re right. I’ve been unnecessarily hard on you. I want back into your life and I just didn’t know how to ask you for it. So, I nitpick. It’s passive aggressive and very unproductive.”
The two women locked eyes and although an outright apology would have been nice, Ayda knew that this was as close as her mother could get for the time being.
“Well…” Ayda’s thirst for wine was rejuvenated. She picked up her glass and took a long, thirsty drink. “Thank you.”
Claudette gave a small smile before leaning forward to whisper.
“Now, please, tell me where you found that fine, Black man? I haven’t seen a man look that good since the summer of ‘71 on Howard University’s campus.” A glint of lightheartedness shined in Claudette’s eyes.
“We met at the coffee shop around the corner from work. His daughter bumped into me in the line and that was...that.” At first, Ayda was struggling to recount the story, but once she finished, she genuinely smiled at the memory.
“His daughter?” Her mother cut in.
“Yes. His daughter. She’s four and absolutely precious.” Ayda could tell that her mother wanted to say more, but Claudette uncharacteristically held her tongue and let Ayda continue. “He ended up working in my building, actually, so we ran into each other again...and the next thing I know…”
I’m heartbroken.
She wanted to confess, but her mother was hanging onto her every word, so she couldn’t end the story with the truth. This was the most common ground that she and Claudette had found in years. Ayda didn’t want to ruin it.
“Well, he is a specimen. So smart, charming, funny. I must admit that I was beside myself.”
“I could tell.” Ayda laughed, remembering her mother’s giggle fits and rosy cheeks all night at Tremaine’s expense. He had won everyone over that night, including her.
“Mother, I’ve never asked you this, but how did you know that Dad was the one?”
She and her mother had never had this conversation before. In fact, Ayda knew little about her parents’ romance other than they met in college. She always assumed it was a classic story, which is why she never bothered to ask. Suddenly now, it seemed important to know.
“Your father made me feel like I was the luckiest girl in the world. He made me feel like I had everything and was everything. This was way before his money. As you know, I came from a good family, so I was used to having things. But, your father made me feel as if there was something more to life than just having things. I felt very…”
“Fortunate.” Ayda finished for her. That was how Tremaine made her feel. Somehow, he made her feel as if she had found everything in him. She was more confident, outgoing, and joyful in his presence. He was unexpected, but she now wondered how she had been getting through life without his corny jokes and dimply smile.
“I guess that’s a word for it.” Claudette grinned. “Is that how you’re feeling?”
Ayda side eyed her mother in hesitation. They were dangerously close to having a normal relationship and she couldn’t believe she was about to open up to her.
“Well, I just know that I didn’t feel that way with Aaron. He didn’t want me. He wanted some robot version of me that I just couldn’t give him.”
A dark cloud settled over her at mentioning Aaron’s name.
“I thought I knew him, but I didn’t. I thought he was it, but he wasn’t, so I started to question whether I could really trust myself to even make that kind of choice. But with Tremaine, it’s like...I just know that he’s a good choice. I feel it and even if it doesn’t work out, I don’t regret it.”
She sucked her lip between her teeth at her use of the present tense. She hadn’t wanted to let that much slip. Thankfully, Claudette was so happy to have a glimpse into Ayda’s life that she didn’t notice her word choice.
“Well then, sounds li
ke you have it all figured out.” Claudette reached across the table for Ayda’s hand. She caressed it lightly, but then held on with a slightly strong grip.
“Just don’t be anybody’s fool, dear, and be sure that you both want the same things. Nothing hurts worse than thinking you’ve made the right choice only to find out that your choice never really chose you.”
She pulled her hand away then purposefully avoided Ayda’s eye contact. It was sound advice, and Ayda knew that she had to talk with Tremaine to get them back on the same page, but something deeper and darker lurked behind her mother’s words. They chatted through the rest of lunch, then said goodbye after Ayda paid the bill. It was a nice day, so she decided to walk back to her apartment instead of taking cab. She passed by several shops, lazily walking in and out just to browse, when she came up to the coffee shop. The coffee shop where she had first met Tremaine. She stood outside for a moment, and then pushed the door open to make her way in.
He’s already taken so much in my life. He can’t keep me out of the damn coffee shop too.
She went to the counter to order a cup of tea and figured she would sit there for a while to relax and think. She had stuffed her sketchpad into her bag, so she decided to finish the shading on her drawing while she sat. Ayda found a little corner, then situated herself for an afternoon of quiet time when a voice called out to her.
“Ayda?” She heard her name and looked up. It was a familiar voice, but not the one she had been dying to hear for days. Her facial expression soured once her attention fell on Aaron Masters coming towards her.
“Aaron.” She was intentionally smug. She had dealt with her mother, and now, Aaron, all in one day. She couldn’t have picked a worse day off if she tried.
“You’re still in this neighborhood?” He stopped right in front of her table. “I’m meeting Isabelle here to interview a wedding planner.”
“I didn’t ask.” She was visibly annoyed and hoped he wouldn’t sit, but sure enough, Aaron pulled up a chair across from her.
“You’ve still got that same attitude.” He sat down, despite her subliminal pleas to be left alone. She cringed at his presence, but she wouldn’t let him get the best of her. That Ayda was gone. “And taking the day off, I see. I thought you’d let go of your little hobby.” He nodded towards her sketch. “It was distracting you.”
Aaron always talked to her like she was a child, telling her what to do, or blatantly making decisions for her. Convincing her that her release was a distraction had been one of those instances. She wanted to fire something back at him, but a response was more than he deserved.
“What do you want?” She finally put her pencil down to meet his gaze. He let out a dismissive and arrogant snort before leaning into her.
“For you to let go of this phase you’re in, get your act together, so that we can be together again.”
Ayda almost erupted into laughter. He was completely delusional.
“Aaron, please.” She just shook her head.
“C’mon, don’t you remember everything? How we used to be? I do, especially how you used to feel, amazing.”
She did laugh now. This man really thought that he would woo her back into a relationship by complimenting her vagina.
“I don’t think this is a conversation that you should be having right before meeting with your fiancé and a wedding planner.”
Aaron moved in closer, which made her back up. She was still wary of any sudden movement from him.
“All you have to do is say the word and it’s off. It’s over with her. You and I both know that we make sense. You should be with me, not that little homeboy that you brought to the gala. I should be with you and not this wannabe.”
She couldn’t believe the disdain in his voice while he talked about his own fiancée.
“I’m even willing to deal with the attitude. We’ll get back together and pick up from where we left off.” He reached for her hand, but Ayda swiped it away. She didn’t want to touch him as anger boiled over inside of her. He was talking to her as if nothing was wrong, as if he had been the model boyfriend.
“And where would we be picking up from, Aaron? When you slammed the back of head against a wall, when you choked me, or will it be from when you punched me in the face? I just want to be sure.”
The amusement in his eyes clouded over with quiet fury. He made a quick movement forward, obviously to scare her, but she didn’t budge. She wasn’t afraid of him anymore.
“In the coffee shop, Aaron, really? I’d think you’d have more sense than that.” She began to collect her things then stood up to leave. Aaron grabbed her arm, almost pulling her back down to her seat, but she kept her balance.
“You sit your ass back down when I’m talking to you.” He sneered, but she refused to sit.
“Aaron, go to hell. Actually, I don’t even have to say it because I’m sure you are. You’re a terrible person and every secret that you think you have will come out one day. There’s this little thing called karma and it’s a real bitch. Get your damn hands off of me.” She yanked her arm away so forcefully that he fell forward out of his chair.
“Asshole.” She rolled her eyes then walked away. A few people looked her way, while she stalked out, but she didn’t care. She was free and finally felt some type of closure. Seeing him hadn’t been so bad after all. She made her way to the door, but stopped short of his fiancée as she walked in. They caught eyes for a second, and Ayda almost kept walking, but the woman’s trepidation was too hard to ignore.
“Isabelle.” She stood in front of her then reached for her hand. “You don’t have to deal with this. You can leave. You should leave, and if you ever need anything, I’m here for you.” She quickly took out her card and slipped it into Isabelle’s purse. Aaron approached shortly after fussing for Ayda to get away from Isabelle. She tossed a sour glance at him over her shoulder then left. The shackles had been loosed and Aaron Masters wasn’t in control of any part of her anymore.
She pressed towards her apartment building then to the elevators that led to her floor. As soon as the doors closed, the familiar scent of clean linen and sandalwood filled her nose.
You’re going crazy, girl.
She recognized it as Tremaine’s cologne, but immediately put it out of her mind. It had to be playing tricks on her. The elevator stopped at the floor below hers and in walked the cleaning crew.
“Sorry guys, excuse me.” She tried to move out of their way.
“You’re fine, Ms. Forde. We’ve got room. We’ll ride up to your floor then come back down. No big deal.”
One of them smiled at her.
“Someone moving in?” She noted their cleaning supplies.
“Yep. In the next couple of weeks. Some new guy in the corporate office.” He shrugged, just as the elevator reached Ayda’s floor.
“Alright, well, have a good day.” She waved then stepped off of the elevator, the familiar scent still in her nose. She pushed open the door to her apartment then fell down on her couch. Today had been exhausting and she hadn’t even gone to work.
“If I’m going to come home feeling like this, I may as well be being productive.”
She groaned to herself then pulled out her phone to text Renee. She had run away from her problems long enough. It was time to get back to work. As soon as she text her, Renee called.
“So, when are you coming back?” Renee dove right into the conversation.
“I’m thinking tomorrow actually. Just to finish out the week, so I’m not all over the place come next week.”
Ayda lazily pulled off the heels she had worn to please her mother, then sauntered over to the kitchen for a glass of wine. Her drinking had slowed tremendously while she was with Tremaine, but his absence had left a hole that only wine could fill.
“That’s fine. Well, let me give you a rundown of your schedule and some pending items.” Renee began to rattle off various things that had been waiting for Ayda’s return.
“Oh, and Mr. Whi
tman’s assistant reached out to all of the points of contact for the proposal you gave him. The meeting is set for next week. Does that work for you?”
“Uh,” Ayda took a long sip of her favorite red wine that she had chosen to calm her nerves. “That’s fine. I’ll make it work. I may go shopping with my mother, but that’s hit or miss. Who’s in this meeting? Tremaine?”
She wouldn’t play coy about not wanting to deal with Tremaine right now. If he were going to be in attendance then she would happily let Renee take the lead on this project, especially since Ayda was hoping she would take on being a manager at the firm anyway.
“Actually...no. The email says that the company’s new Director of Business Development will be in on the meeting. Kind of odd, but maybe he backed out.”
“Maybe.” Ayda shrugged, not caring to think about him anymore than she had to. “Anything else, Renee? I’m going to take the last afternoon nap that I’ll have for a while. I’m diving right in when I get back.”
“Not really. I just wanted to ask if you were okay? I’ve been trying to give you your space, but I know this probably isn’t easy.”
Ayda blinked back the unexpected emotion that bubbled up to the surface. She hadn’t told Renee about how horribly her attempt to talk to Tremaine had gone, but Renee must have sensed it. She had been around Ayda long enough to anticipate and read her mood changes.
“And I appreciate that, really. It’s been good to clear my head and focus on myself for a minute.”
“That’s good to hear. You’ve been needing that for quite a while now.” Renee laughed to lighten the tone of the conversation. “But I’m really sorry, Ayda. For what it’s worth,” She started to speak, but Ayda cut her off.
“I know, I know. You think Tremaine’s a nice guy and that he never meant to hurt my feelings. I get it.”
She didn’t need to hear anymore good things about him.
“No, what I was gonna say was that you should only let this go if you really want it to be over. Otherwise, things can always smooth themselves over. Plus, he doesn’t seem like the type to let things go that easily.”