“Understanding,” he growled, springing up from his seat. “How am I supposed to understand this? If I’d been alert, this never would have happened. They’d be alive and that drunk would have awakened the next morning blissfully unaware of what he’d almost done the night before.” He rubbed his forehead with one hand, the back of his neck with the other. He seemed almost wild with grief.
“I need a truck,” he said after a second. “I’m hitting the road. I’ve got rodeos to get to and rides to make.”
His truck had been destroyed, and for the first time it registered to Jess that he was without a way to get around. Jess had left his truck here at Colt’s house before going to the hospital. Now, realizing the truth of what Colt was saying, he knew sitting here in the middle of the woods with nothing but the nightmare of what had happened haunting him wouldn’t be good for his little brother. Without hesitating, Jess reached in his pocket and pulled out his keys.
“Here, it’s yours,” he said, moving to drop them into Colt’s outstretched palm. “I’ll drive my Chevy around town. You do what you need to do, brother.”
His eyes hard with emotion, Luke stepped up, grabbed Colt in a bear hug. His hands were white their grip was so strong. “We’re here if you need us.” He stepped back, his voice nearly breaking before he took control and his eyes glittered. “But don’t do anything stupid. And call us. I wish you’d stay, but I get it.”
Jess grabbed him in a quick embrace then, emotion clogging his throat. His gut told him this was what Colt needed to do but he couldn’t stand the thought of watching him drive away. “Are you sure?” he asked. “Maybe you need to see a counselor or someone?”
Colt shook his head. “I don’t know what I need, I just don’t know.” He strode inside and they followed him into his bedroom. Grabbing a bag out of the closet, Colt started yanking clothes off the racks. His other bags had been destroyed in the wreck. Jess and Luke had taken a change of clothes for him to the hospital when they’d gone. He paused after stuffing socks into the bag and zipping it up. “It should have been me. Why couldn’t I have been the one killed?”
“Come on, Colt,” Luke said. “It wasn’t meant to be.”
Colt’s eyes flashed hard and cold. “Yeah.” He strode past them and headed to the door, anger and emotion blowing up as he hit the screen with the back of his hand. They followed him. All he had to show from a crash where his truck had turned into a crumpled piece of sheet metal was a cut on his forehead and a slight limp from his bruised hip that they hadn’t realized he had until this morning. All in all, it wasn’t much physically. What was inside of him was enormous, and Jess was afraid, potentially destructive.
“God had His hand on you in that wreck,” Luke said, his arms crossed. “Don’t forget that, Colt.”
Even Jess had to admit that no way had Colt come out of the wreck without God’s protection.
“Yeah.” Colt tossed the bag in the back of Jess’s truck and tore open the door. “I’d have rather He’d had it on that family.”
“Colt, don’t talk that way.” Luke moved forward, but Colt was already in the truck, cranking the key. The look on his face was a mixture of grief and anger.
Anger so fierce it had Luke and Jess both stopping in their tracks as Colt spun tires and headed out the drive.
Chapter Seventeen
It was driving Gabi crazy not to go and see Jess. She’d worked the rest of the afternoon with Susan and then come home to her house and paced the floor for an hour. She’d taken a long hot shower, and after that she’d cleaned out her refrigerator. She was taking the trash out to the alley when headlights alerted her that someone had just pulled into her driveway. Her heart leaped at the possibility that it might be Jess.
She knew what Susan had said was true. She cared for Jess. Thinking about him now had her wanting to throw herself into his arms and tell him he wasn’t alone in this, that she was there for him.
It confused her but that was just the way it was. Complicated.
He was standing on her front porch when she rounded the corner. “Hey.” She paused going up on the second step. “I hoped it was you. How are you? How is Colt?”
He lifted the plastic bag in his hand. “I brought ice cream.”
His avoiding her question told her everything wasn’t okay. Of course she hadn’t expected it to be.
“I was having such a craving for ice cream. How did you know?” she said, in an upbeat tone. Maybe what he needed was some sunshine on a dark day. That she could give him.
Walking up the steps she opened the door. “Come on in. What kind did you bring?”
“You know I had to drive all the way out to the highway to get this, and their selection isn’t the best. Will chocolate chip do?”
“My favorite! How did you know?”
He chuckled. “I’m talented that way. I bet you didn’t guess that about me did you?”
She led the way into the kitchen and took two bowls from the cabinet. “I had a feeling the first time you threw me over your shoulder that you were a man of many talents. So I’m not surprised that you read my thoughts and knew chocolate chip was my favorite.”
He pulled the carton from the bag. It was the familiar yellow tub with a gold rim.
“Blue Bell! Now we’re talking some serious ‘like’ here.”
“Texas ice cream is the only way to go.”
Gabi played along with him, smiling when she could see in his eyes that he had things to say, now just wasn’t the time. Maybe he just needed a breather. Whatever was going on, she went with him. She pulled an ice cream scoop from the drawer and held it up. “This belonged to my great granddad. It came from an original soda shop that used to be here in town.”
“Cool.”
“Mmm-hmm,” she murmured, digging into the softened ice cream. Mule Hollow didn’t actually have a grocery store. It had been so small that it couldn’t support a grocery anymore and the family-owned one that had been here closed up several years earlier. The convenience store on the highway was over fifteen miles away. Everyone had to travel the seventy miles to Ranger, which was the nearest town of any size, to do real grocery shopping.
Jess was studying pictures on the wall behind the kitchen table. There was a formal dining room on the other side of the wall but most of the meals that Gabi remembered the best had been eaten at the oak table here in the kitchen. The pictures were the same now as had been there her whole life.
“Who are all of these people?”
She carried the bowls of ice cream to the table. “That darling little gal in the red cowgirl outfit is the one and only me. I’m a cute little rascal, aren’t I?”
“No kidding? That’s really you?”
“What, you didn’t think I could be so cute? I’m hurt.”
“Funny girl. You are one cute four-year-old…that is about how old you are, isn’t it?”
“I sure am,” Gabi said, then pointed at the picture beside hers. “And that one there is my mom and Gram with my grandpa. And that one there of the pretty young woman and the two men, well that’s my grandpa, my Gram and Sam. They were all best friends growing up here in Mule Hollow.”
“Wow, look how young they are.”
Gabi smiled. She loved the pictures. “Sam has always been there for my Gram. He’s a stand-up guy.”
“Yeah, everyone around here could always tell he cared for Miss Adela. All those years after your granddad died, he never exactly made his move. He just was—”
“Devoted to her,” Gabi finished, then she sighed. “I’ve always wondered what a love like that would feel like. It’s special. Of course my Gram is special. I can totally understand someone loving her that much.”
Jess turned and stared at her. “You’re just as deserving of love like that, too.”
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She laughed at that. “Believe me, I’m nowhere near the woman my Gram is. I can be downright hard to love at times and I know it.”
Jess lifted his hand, hesitated for a second and then touched her cheek with his fingertips. “I think you’re pretty lovable.”
Gabi liked it. She liked the look in his eyes and the touch of his fingertips. She liked the sincerity and tone of his voice.
She couldn’t breathe. She longed for his kiss again. And yes, that kiss had been on her mind all afternoon, hidden under layers of concern for his brother. And worry for Jess. Unable to stop herself she stepped closer to him and his hand slipped beneath her hair and cupped the back of her neck as he’d done earlier. The simple touch had her head spinning. All good intentions evaporated. He needed her.
“How are you?” she asked, softly letting her fingertips curl against his jaw before she let them slip behind his neck and lace together.
His gaze melded into sadness before he closed them completely. “He left. He told us he couldn’t take sitting around with nothing but the nightmare of what had happened haunting him. I gave him my truck to use.” He looked at her now, pulled her close and rested his temple against her hair. “I didn’t know what else to do for him.”
Gabi held onto Jess, feeling his pain. “Do you think he’ll be okay? I mean, how was his state of mind?”
Jess was quiet for moment, Gabi could feel his back muscles tense. “He was mad. Angry. Angry that if someone had to die, why couldn’t it have been him instead of that poor family.”
“Wow. That’s tough.”
Jess nodded against her hair. “Rips me up inside.”
“Yeah, how could it not?”
Jess moved away from her suddenly, paced across the room and stared out into the backyard. The ice cream sat melting in the bowls, all but forgotten.
“I just don’t get God. I really don’t, Gabi.” He spun on his boot heel and stared at her. Anger boiled from every pore. “I know you can’t understand why I’m not all into church and praising God like you are. But I have to tell you, up to this point, I’ve had a real hard time understanding what He has had against me and my brothers. This seals the deal. I’ve got no problem believing in God. No problem believing He holds my life in the palm of His hand. Because, believe me, I feel Him yanking my chain every day. This thing with Colt, it tramples me. I just don’t get it.”
Gabi’s hand had gone to her throat in shock by the vehemence of his words and the rage in him.
“Colt had his life headed in a good direction. That family had their whole life ahead of them.” He turned his back to her again, slapped a hand to the window frame and leaned hard, his head hanging as he stared at his boots. “Why couldn’t God just leave well enough alone? Was happiness for this family too much to ask for? Does Luke need to be looking over his shoulder now, since he’s happy?”
Gabi had wanted to do something for the Lord. She never guessed it would be this complicated. This dire. And she knew more clearly than anything that she wasn’t up for this task. Half the questions he was asking, she would have also wanted to know the answers. That was one reason this would take someone far more knowledgeable than her. Someone more grounded in the Word.
Someone more qualified.
Like Gram.
Or Sheriff Brady who taught the singles Bible study class on Sunday mornings.
Or the cowboy preacher Chance Turner.
This was way over her head.
Anyone God, but me. Please send the right person!
She stood frozen to the kitchen floor looking at Jess’s back. Words stuck in her throat. Any confidence that she could be the go-to person for someone in need went straight out the window. Who did she think she was? She hadn’t been studying her Bible anywhere near long enough. God couldn’t use her. She might say the wrong thing and totally mess up any hope of helping Jess.
But you have to say something.
Her chest was heaving up and down and her blood was humming with fear. She couldn’t do this. Please, God, send someone else, she prayed.
But there was no one else but her.
“Jess,” she said, breathless with nerves. “Do you think God is picking on you?”
Jess cut his eyes to her. “That sounds pretty childish,” he said. “But yeah, in some ways, I do. I know we aren’t the only ones out there with a jerk for a father and a selfish mother. I know I’m a grown man and should just get over it. But I’m having a hard time doing that. Honestly, after you came along, I was considering that I might be taking it over the edge and needed to reconsider. But seeing the pain Colt’s going through, not a chance.”
Gabi was speechless. Actually there was a lot she wanted to say but it was better left unsaid. His words had her angry with him. And disappointed in him, too. He was a stand-up guy. She expected more from him.
Picking up her ice cream, she walked over and dumped it in the sink. No way could she eat it now. Fingers trembling she washed the bowl, feeling queasy. Jess remained at the window as if stuck there.
His attitude irritated her most, like a burr in her saddle. She leaned against the sink and crossed her arms. “You know what I think? I believe what you need to do is get down on your knees and ask God to forgive you.”
His head jerked back. “Him forgive me?”
“Yes. For all this bitterness you have built up inside you. I really, really don’t know what I’m doing here, but I just feel like you’ve got it all wrong. I’m your friend. If I didn’t point this out to you, I don’t think I would be much of a friend. Jess, I care for you…” she added, knowing she’d gone way past friendship. She’d crossed over into wishing they had something more between them.
“I didn’t come here to fight.”
She put her hand on her hip. “I know you didn’t. But Jess, Colt’s life has changed forever, and I don’t know how he’s going to deal with this. With God’s help, he will be able to. I had—have—issues,” she corrected, guilt niggling at her. “And God is helping me deal with them. You have issues too, Jess. And you are trying to deal with them on your own. Blaming God instead of asking Him to help you. I think you’d feel so much better if you’d change that.”
“Right now, that’s not going to happen.”
She shook her head. “Stubborn man.” She poked him in the chest, leaned in and kissed him on the lips. “You make me crazy.” She told herself now was not the time to tell him all of her ugly past. But she promised herself that she would do it soon. Even knowing what it could do to their relationship.
He chuckled. It was a lovely, lovely sound and gave her hope that he would pull out of all of this. And that was what was important.
“You know,” she said, “when I first met you, I’d have never known you housed so much anger inside of you. You really mislead me with your upbeat attitude.”
“I decided a long time ago not to let my past take over my life. I get tied in knots sometimes, and angry when I think about it. But I’m not going to let it take over. I give my anger air sometimes, let it out of its box, but I’m never giving it an open gate. You know what I mean?”
“See that’s the difference in you and me. I’d have a hard time doing that. When I’m mad, I’m mad. I get over it and don’t hold a grudge. You don’t let it rule your life but you hold a grudge that runs deep.”
“I’m not sure I call it a grudge.”
“Then what do you call it?”
“Gabi, this is between me and God.”
Before she opened her big mouth again and messed up really bad, she remembered that she wanted to help Jess. Not make him so angry he shut her out.
“Okay. Then I guess I’ll just pray that the two of you get it straight at some point.”
His brows dipped. “You’re mad, aren’t you
?”
She didn’t want to lie. “I’m…” She tossed ideas around like marbles in a grinder. “I’m concerned but butting out. And you’re lucky because before, I’d have given you a very, very hard time.”
He smiled and it made her heart glad. There were issues to figure out, but not tonight. Tonight he needed to relax.
“Yeah,” he said, relief vibrating in his voice. “Maybe if I do that tonight, I’ll think clearer tomorrow.”
Gabi fought the urge to move into the shelter of his arms. Maybe tomorrow she would think clearer too…She was going to pray hard and heavy tonight for that to be the case.
Because she had a feeling she was heading down a one-way street to disaster where Jess Holden was concerned.
Despite that, Gabi understood that she’d crossed a line of no return. She loved Jess Holden.
She loved him.
And when all this was said and done—when he knew the whole dirty truth about her drinking—it was probable that he wouldn’t be able to handle it.
But there was time to worry about that later. Tonight Jess needed her.
Reaching for his hand, she smiled. “Come outside with me. I want to show you something.”
Chapter Eighteen
Jess’s mother was waiting at the ranch office on Saturday morning.
In the past he’d been able to treat her civilly because that was what Luke wanted. Luke wanted him to love her and forgive her, but it seemed an impossible task for Jess. He admitted that he wasn’t the man Luke was. Luke had chosen to forgive the inexcusable.
Gabi had asked him that Monday night if he thought God was picking on him. He hadn’t expected that.
But then when did Gabi not surprise him?
Still, it had shaken him up a little. He’d already been messed up worrying about Colt, but suddenly Gabi had him wondering about himself as a man.
Here he was, the guy who’d begun to make rescuing her a part-time job. She’d called him a hero in one breath but in another, she asked him if he thought God was picking on him.
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