by Ani Gonzalez
Mrs. Franco put the wine carafe down and smiled sweetly. "They're night vision cameras, honey. Nothing to worry about."
"Cameras?" Zach sounded none too pleased with his mother's response. "Flying around?"
Mrs. Franco shrugged. "Your PRoVE friends brought drones." She turned to Dr. Lebensburg. "Did you see them? Fascinating things."
"Drones?" Patricia asked. "They have drones now?"
That did not sound good. Weren't drones military equipment? Like for use in guerrilla warfare?
"Fascinating, yes, but an irresponsible acquisition nonetheless," Dr. Lebensburg interjected, lips pursed in disapproval. "I'm sorry, Isabel." She nodded at Mrs. Franco. "I know Gabe is the money behind the paranormal stuff, and I don't mean to criticize him, but the drones are just a bad idea. They tried them out near the creek and the experiment resulted in two concussions and twelve lacerations."
"That's just your typical PRoVE outing," Zach muttered, and Patricia covered her mouth with her napkin to conceal her laughter.
"What's PRoVE?" Her dad's voice was unnaturally loud and Mrs. Franco turned to him, a carefully-tended neutral expression on her face.
"Oh, you know," she said with studied carelessness. "The ghost hunting group that's taken over the town. They look for ghosts and monsters and other creepy critters, and put up cameras all over my yard. I hope they don't mess my newly planted bulbs."
Patricia stared at her plate.
"If they do," Zach whispered to her. "She'll show them the true meaning of fear."
This time she didn't laugh. She didn't know what was scarier, her dad's question or Mrs. Franco's skillful explanation. She got the feeling that this happened quite often and Zach's mom was now used to filling in gaps for her husband's friend.
She looked up to find Zach staring at her, looking thoughtful.
"So what do you think of the Valentine's Day Ball?" she asked quickly.
"I think it's a terrible idea," Zach said with an irritated shake of the head. "A big dance for a couple of couples? Why even bother?"
"It doesn't even sound supernatural," Patricia replied.
"It makes no sense."
"But," Dr. Lebensburg interrupted their conversation, "it is unlikely to result in any injuries bigger than a sprained ankle. That's a plus."
"The only plus," Patricia muttered.
"Well, I'm going to support it at the town meeting," Dr. Lebensburg said.
"There's a town meeting?" Patricia asked, surprised. With PROVE's rising influence the town meetings had grown progressively more acrimonious and the Historical Preservation Committee had quietly stopped holding controversial meetings. The meetings were now limited to thoroughly mundane topics. Sewer fee revision, anyone? Why were they having an impromptu meeting?
Dr. Lebensburg nodded. "I think the PRoVE folks asked for a chance to discuss the event." She snorted. "I guess a ball doesn't involve enough chaos or mayhem for them."
Patricia and Zach exchanged guilty glances. The chaos and mayhem was pretty profitable.
Mrs. Franco asked Dr. Lebensburg a question, and she turned away. Zach leaned toward Patricia conspiratorially.
"I'm with the PRoVE guys," he hissed. "What about you?"
She nodded. Like most of the town, she'd been skeptical about the paranormal group and its crazy antics, but she'd come around. They'd turned out to be smart and disciplined businesspeople. If they thought the Valentine's Day Ball was a bad idea it probably was a terrible idea, and they would be able to come up with a different one.
The PRoVE guys would save them.
Another flash of light outside the window interrupted her meditations. Zach frowned, Dr. Lebensburg glanced up, and Patricia's dad looked at the window, brows furrowed in confusion.
"I'm sorry, Isabel," he asked, sounding bewildered. "But what exactly are they looking for?"
This time his confusion was entirely warranted. What the heck was PRoVE looking for in the Banshee Creek woods? The lake had the Devil Monkey, the creek had seen Mothman sightings, and the waterfall was haunted, but the woods? What kind of critter would be roaming suburbia?
The entire table turned to look at Mrs. Franco, who was pouring herself a rather large glass of red wine.
She took a sip and smiled at them.
"The vampire deer, of course."
CHAPTER TWELVE
"THEY'RE NOT real vampires," the burly, red-headed biker laughed. "That's ridiculous."
Zach stared doubtfully at the PRoVE leader. They were in the woods behind the Franco's house, freezing their butts while trying to find out exactly what the paranormies were doing. So far, the answers were not reassuring.
The head of the local paranormal society was tall and muscled, with a hearty laugh and a t-shirt that read "Ghost Hunters Do It In Dark and Scary Places." Caine, he knew, believed in ghosts, poltergeists and living fossils of the plesiosaur persuasion. He'd known Caine for years and this was the first time he'd ever heard him declare that something was ridiculous.
The woods were still and quiet. A cloud covered the full moon and the filtered light gave the night an eerie glow. Patricia stood beside him, huddled in her puffy coat and aiming a wary glance at the metal drone hovering behind Caine.
"That's a relief," Zach said. Patricia nodded, eyes still focused on the buzzing contraption, which resembled a giant metal dragonfly with glowing green eyes.
Caine's bright blue eyes focused on him. "Well, excuse me, Weird Sex Magic Guy. Some of us like to take a scientific view of things."
Zach raised a brow. "You're hunting vampire deer."
"With your parents' permission. Because respect for private property is the founding principle of civilization."
Zach let that slide. Caine had a right to complain. If someone tried to have kinky pagan sex in the pizzeria, he wouldn't be too happy about it either.
"Then why did you bring--" Zach started, as the contraption's flashing eyes settled on him. "Are you planning to incinerate them?"
"Again, they're not real vampires. People just say that because of the giant fangs."
"Excuse me?" Patricia blurted, brows raised in alarm.
Yeah, the thought of a creature with oversized canines roaming through the woods was...not good. His barn, he was suddenly painfully aware, was less than a mile away.
Maybe it was time to call Elizabeth and arrange for some house tours.
"I think 'tusks' would be more accurate," a tall girl with turquoise-colored hair joined them. "Appropriate nomenclature would clear up a lot of misconceptions."
Caine shushed her. "Not so loud, Cassie. They'll hear you."
He glanced back at the bundled up trio behind them. The rest of the PRoVE team was dressed in black leather and they all huddled together, doing whatever it was that backup paranormal investigators did. Whatever it was, it seemed to involve a lot of cussing.
Very quiet cussing.
"Can somebody," Zach asked between gritted teeth, "give me a straight answer as to what we're dealing with here?"
His mom didn't seem bothered by the surveillance, other than the potential bulb-o-cide, but he still wanted to make sure that the PRoVE guys weren't doing something crazy or dangerous. Scratch that, Caine's group was always doing something crazy and usually pretty dangerous. The vampire deer thing, however, was...eccentric, even for them.
"It's a type of deer," Cassie said, using her best adjunct professor voice. "Cervidae Hydropotinae Hydropotes. It's small and nimble and has two long tusks protruding out of its mouth."
Zach was, in spite of himself, quite impressed. Cassie was the only person he knew who could speak in italics. Unfortunately, this particular piece of information was totally useless.
"So it's an animal?" Patricia asked. "A real one and not a..." She paused, as if trying to come up with a tactful way of framing her question. "Something make-believe?"
Caine's eyes narrowed, but Cassie smiled.
"They come from China," she explained. "A zoo in Reston had a small
herd, but the deer escaped when the place went out of business a decade ago."
"A decade?" Zach interrupted. "They've been around the house for a decade and we've never seen them?"
"They're nocturnal," Caine replied. "And very good at camouflage. We didn't even know there was a herd here until Fish & Wildlife called us last year."
"Only a year," Cassie commented dryly. "It seems so much longer than that."
"Oh, can it, Cass," Caine replied. "You're just sore because it's a real life creature and not one of those folkloric legends you study. You won't get to write a twenty-five page paper for Urban Mythology and Societal Change."
Cassie snorted delicately. "But, hey, I get to collect vampire deer poop, so that makes up for it."
"Wait," Patricia blurted. "You've never seen one?"
Caine gave a mournful shake of the head.
Cassie sighed. "No, and believe me we've looked. They're very shy and hard to find."
Caine's expression brightened. "We have DNA though."
"Yeah," Cassie muttered. "Fecal DNA."
"That sounds unpleasant." Patricia aimed a sympathetic glance at the PRoVE second-in-command.
"Oh, you have no idea," Cassie replied.
"So, you're still looking for the elusive vampire deer," Zach pointed at the flying drone. "And you're doing it with that."
Patricia looked at the drone doubtfully. "I don't think that's going to work. It's big and loud and it has a flashing light. The deer will just--"
"Not so loud," Caine hissed.
They all stared at him, confused. He rubbed the bridge of his nose as if the whole conversation was giving him a headache.
"Look," he said, glancing back at his team. "I've had these guys searching for deer dung for weeks."
"More like months," Cassie clarified.
Caine glared at her. "Fine," he grumbled. "Months." He shook his head. "That's not what you sign up for when you join PRoVE. People come to do fun stuff, like visit haunted houses and chase Sasquatch. They aren't happy about the vampire deer poop project."
"Now that's an understatement," Cassie interjected.
"Shut it, Cass. If we do this for the Fish & Wildlife folks, they'll let us into a bunch of federal areas that no one's been allowed in yet. This is totally worth it."
Zach nodded. PRoVe, he knew, worked hard to maintain its supremacy among the paranormal groups. They went to the most remote places and confronted the most dangerous, albeit imaginary, monsters. If Caine saw an opportunity to get his team into a forbidden locale, he would pounce on it.
"This thing," Caine gestured toward the hovering drone, "it's kind of an apology for all the poop-scooping. They get to play with it, we get some hopefully interesting footage, and we get some samples. Everyone's happy."
Zach stepped forward to check out the drone. Lights flashed, and the contraption buzzed menacingly and retreated.
Caine's team cheered and broke its huddle. The black-clad figures high-fived each other and stepped back. Zach stared as another drone rose up from the ground, powdery snow flying in its wake. Next to him, Patricia gasped.
"Yeah, everyone's happy, except my parents," Zach said. "The vampire deer, if they even exist, are all over the woods. They aren't camping out in my parents' backyard. Can you move this operation somewhere else? Somewhere it won't freak out my folks."
"Your parents?" Caine scoffed. "Nothing scares your parents, friend. Your family has owned a haunted pizzeria for decades. When your dad bought that place, it was known for flying pizza pans and exploding cans of spaghetti sauce."
The rest of the PRoVE guys laughed. Even Cassie cracked a small smile.
"We'd love to know how your mom tamed that thing," Caine continued. "We did a lockdown in the pizzeria basement years ago and all we got was a bunch of EVPs repeating 'scary lady owner, scary lady owner.'" He looked thoughtful. "I wonder what the poltergeist thinks of that new Brit you hired. You should let us do another lockdown and find out."
Over my dead body, Zach thought. Pepe, his resident poltergeist, detested the lockdowns. It took months to calm him down.
"Anyway," Caine went on. "We're almost done here. We'll be heading to Ravenswood next."
"The neighborhood with all the ramblers?" Patricia asked, looking concerned. "Why?"
Cassie's sigh signaled deep resignation. "We go where the poop is," she declared with the air of a Shakespearean actor declaiming an exit line.
Caine scowled, but Cassie's sole response was a beatific smile.
Patricia, however, was not amused. "That's where my dad lives," she said, her worry clear. "The last thing he needs is..." Her voice trailed off, and everyone stared at her, waiting.
But she didn't finish her thought. She just stood there, staring anxiously at the hovering drones. Caine arched a questioning brow and Cassie opened her mouth to ask a question.
A question that Zach knew Patricia didn't want to answer.
"I'm sure there's poop somewhere else," he said firmly. If his suspicions were correct, the last thing her father needed was a bunch of flying machines around his house. It would only alarm him and increase his disorientation. He had to get the PRoVE guys to change their location.
But how? These guys, he knew, did not change their minds easily.
Caine rubbed his chin as he considered this. "I could be convinced to move the operation to a different place."
Cassie beamed but the rest of the group groaned. Zach watched in undisguised awe as Caine stared them into silence. He wished he could do that with the pizzeria staff. Unfortunately, Sarah was immune to his death stare.
"If," Caine continued, "I get something in return."
Zach sighed with resignation. "What do you want?"
Would he have to allow a lockdown? Maybe it wouldn't be too bad. He'd lock up Caine and his crew in the basement, and return in the morning with a first aid kit. He could handle that.
"I need to use the barn," Caine said.
"Excuse me?" Zach asked, surprised. "You don't want the pizzeria?"
"No, I mean your place," Caine explained. "I need it for an episode."
Oh, this sounded bad. It sounded even worse than a pizzeria lockdown. What the hell did Caine think was in his barn?
"Why?" Patricia asked, echoing his thought. "The barn is not haunted."
"It's also not a steaming pile of deer poop," Cassie whispered, earning another glare from Caine. "I vote for the barn."
"How do you know it's not haunted?" Caine growled. "Have you ever carried out an investigation?"
"Well..." Patricia's voice trailed off in confusion.
"Of course not," Zach interrupted. "No one's ever investigated the barn." He turned to Caine. "That's because there's nothing there."
Caine smiled wolfishly. "Then you have nothing to worry about, right?"
"No, I don't." Zach replied. "Finish..." he glanced at the drone, "whatever it is that you guys are doing."
The drones rose up into the air. "Then get out."
Caine nodded, giving a signal to his team. The drones dove into the canopy, circling each other, their lights shining in tandem like a miniature version of the Close Encounters of the Third Kind finale.
Patricia stared at them, tense and nervous.
"And Caine," Zach added, mostly for Patricia's benefit. "Stay away from Ravenswood."
The redheaded biker nodded amiably then turned to admire the swirling drones. Cassie waited until his back was turned, then pumped her fist energetically, blue hair flying.
"No more poop," she whispered with undisguised glee. "Sweet."
She waved goodbye and walked off to help, or maybe hinder, the rest of her team. The drones flashed a couple of times and disappeared into the sky. The PRoVE team walked off into the woods, leaving Zach and Patricia alone.
The clouds cleared and the moonlight shone upon the forest, making the snow sparkle. Patricia walked over to the spot where the PRoVE guys had been setting up the drones. She picked up something from the grou
nd and stared at it, hand held over her mouth.
"Don't worry," he said. "They won't bother your dad. Caine always keeps his word."
Patricia nodded, and made a small gasping sound, as if choking back tears. Oh, hell, she was crying. He hated it when women cried, and, truth be told, he seldom stuck around to witness the phenomenon. As soon as the water started flowing, he ran away as fast as he could.
But he couldn't do that, not to Patricia.
He stepped forward and put his arm around her, trying to comfort her.
"It's..."
His voice trailed off as he sighted the object in her hands. It was a clear case with a scientific label bearing the legend "Sample - Hydropotinae Hydropontes."
It was full.
That's when he realized that Patricia wasn't crying.
She was laughing. She tried to hold it in, but it was impossible. Peals of laughter rang out in the stillness of the night.
"Is that what I think it is?" he asked, although he was pretty sure he'd identified it correctly. In any case, he was glad Patricia was wearing gloves.
"They left..." Patricia's reply was interrupted by a burst of giggles. "They left..." More giggles. "The vampire deer poop...they forgot it."
He joined in the laughter, unable to help himself. Maybe it was the uncomfortable dinner, or perhaps the surreal negotiations with Caine, but laughing with Patricia felt good.
Really good.
"They set traps," she gasped. "Traps. They set them all over my bakery to see if they could catch the brownie. They used this ancient Irish design that had moss." She raised her hands in an exasperated gesture. "I still find moss around the bakery sometimes."
Zach chuckled. "They desperately want to do a lockdown in the pizzeria basement."
Patricia leaned toward him, an intense look upon her face. "Do. Not. Let. Them."
She was so close, he could see himself reflected in her eyes. He was keenly aware of her body, still held tightly in his embrace. The fact she was still bundled up in her ridiculous puffy coat didn't seem to matter. Her proximity had swept all coherent thought out of his head.