“I’m missing you already too,” I confessed. “I can’t imagine what my life will be like without you in it.”
“Well, for now you don’t have to worry about that,” he insisted. “I’m still here, and I’ll be present in every way that I can be. That’s a promise. I don’t want to miss any moment to share what time I do have left in this life, with you.”
My heart felt heavy at the thought that the moments we shared would soon be coming to an end.
“I love you Daniel, I love you so much,” I sobbed.
“And I, you. Beyond words,” he said. As he cried and I cried, our tears mixed with rain.
Daniel’s wedding ring fell into the sink one morning, as he helped me rinse the dishes I’d just washed by hand. All the weight he’d lost meant the ring was now too big for his finger. I added it to the necklace I wore with the crucifix David had given me on the birth of the twins.
We held each other by the kitchen sink.
“Leaving this here earth is not something I’m ready to do just yet…doc says I have three to four months now, I’m hoping I’ll have eight months plus. I’m hoping for a complete recovery but you and I both know that the likelihood of that happening is slim.”
I nodded, noting he’d changed his mind about therapies that could possibly extend his life.
“That experimental method, the one being offered in Switzerland - I’m prepared to go for it now. Forget what I said about not wanting to do anything to prolong my life. I have to go for it…what do we have to lose?”
“Your life, Daniel, it could take you away from me in the blink of an eye,” I told him. “It’s too risky.”
“Or, it could extend my time here with you and even see me fully recovered,” he argued. “Now, isn’t that worth a shot, sugarpie?”
I shrugged in response. I didn’t want to lose him, period.
“The cost is out of reach, but David said he would help where he can,” I offered.
“David’s only one man,” Daniel replied. “I’m not trying to burden him with this. The fact that he’ll be there for you when I’m gone is pretty big in itself. We need to do this on our own steam though, he’s already done too much.”
When I’m gone…those words both saddened and troubled me.
“Alright,” Daniel said suddenly. “We just need to liquidate a few things. Not the house, but maybe the cars and the boats.”
“We can let go of the house,” I told him. “I’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.”
Daniel sighed before replying. “I don’t know that. I won’t be there to see that you and the babies will be okay. Leaving you the house is the best I can do.” After a brief pause he stated, “Could always ask Craig to pay me out of the partnership we have at the firm.”
“That’s an idea,” I said, hopeful.
Daniel called him that night, and Craig outright refused, citing the rules of incorporation, questioning Daniel’s capacity to make decisions, and the fact that the firm was the legacy of Adalia and Josiah.
“Craig said no,” Daniel told me, hands trembling as he put his mobile phone down on the bedside table. “He says the business is a legacy for you and the kids. I have to agree with him there. I’m dying, I’m gonna die. No use prolonging things and leaving you and the kids worse off.”
His words saddened my heart. No use prolonging things? I instantly hated Craig for playing God with Daniel’s life and for refusing to help when he very well could. Daniel read my mind.
“Don’t be upset at Craig. It’s my decision in the end. I won’t be seeking any experimental treatment now, I’ll just let things run their natural course,” he said.
It was all too much for me to bear. Craig had to be dealt with, Daniel needed to survive. I couldn’t survive without him.
After much dispute, Daniel urged me to let it go.
That night, David was on shift at the hospital, but I called and managed to speak with him not long after Daniel had gone to bed. He recommended we see another specialist. Consulting with the doctor he recommended would cost several thousand dollars. David had some money put aside and offered to help, given Daniel was not keen on the idea of remortgaging the house. He knew that the cost of chemotherapy had eaten into our savings, leaving us with not much left over. Not being able to dip into the funds Daniel had invested into the firm meant we couldn’t do anything else other than rely on David. Thankfully, David was able to assist.
The next morning, rain was coming down hard. For a moment it looked like tiny silver slithers. “Do you see that?” Daniel asked, looking out the open window.
“I did. Looks a lot like…”
“Silver,” he stated.
I mused for a moment at how good he was at completing my sentences and reading my mind. If only we had more time. I really didn’t know how I was going to manage with him gone.
“Lord knows I need something like a silver bullet to kill this sickness that’s taken a hold of me,” he said sadly. I slipped my arms around his waist and embraced him. His weight had plummeted and he was looking noticeably gaunt. I rested my head on his shoulder.
“I wish my three to four months were a year, and a year fifty years,” he said, longing for a different outcome. “I can’t believe this is how we are going to end. I can’t believe this is how it will end for me and you. I can’t believe I won’t see our babies grow up. I can’t…” he broke off, unable to continue. “I can’t even give you the thirty plus years I promised you. Can’t even give you three years.”
Tears in our eyes, we embraced for what felt like an eternity. Our eternity. I imagined seeing him again someday, but knew there’d be no recollection of time or place in eternity, in heaven. There would be no tears.
“No tears,” he said, as though he’d read my mind. “No tears for me. Promise me that you’ll find happiness when I’m gone,” he insisted. “Promise me that you’ll keep your heart open to love, with someone other than me. David”
“I can’t promise you that, Daniel,” I said tearfully. “You’re it for me.”
With the limited time we had, we loved deeply and fully. It was hard to come to terms with the fact that he would be gone in a matter of months, but we gave it our best, we tried. It was all we could do.
We tried not to argue, but at times it was inevitable. Our few arguments evolved around plans for the future. He wanted to discuss how the kids would be raised. Where we would live. He wanted to discuss the possibility of me finding love after he was gone. I wanted to do no such thing. I could not see a future without him. I was determined to remain alone once he was gone.
As time went on, Daniel came up with a list of last wishes. On that list was the hope that I would find love again and remarry.
I was livid. “We only have a few months left and all you can come up with is this? Can’t you see that I do not want to be with anyone else, ever?”
“Have you considered David?” Daniel asked. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He’s always loved you. He’d be my obvious choice.”
“Your obvious choice? You think I’d be happy about you choosing my future spouse?” I asked.
“So you are planning on moving on after I am gone,” he stated, forlorn.
“Daniel please don’t put words into my mouth.”
“I’m not. I just want you to consider the fact that I expect you to find happiness after I’m gone,” he explained.
“Why must you be so controlling? What gives you the right to insist on my happiness after you’re gone? Who says I will find happiness again after you’re gone?” I asked.
“You’re being melodramatic Temwani. There will be life after I’ve gone. You will have to find happiness. With David. And when you do, I can be at peace knowing that he’ll look after you and the kids. I don’t want to see you unhappy and with some loser like the one you were with when I first met.”
I held back words of anger.
“Whatever you’ve got to say, I can take it,” he assured me. “I’m sorry for co
ming across as controlling, but you know me. I want to ensure you’re well taken care of when I’m gone. This isn’t easy for me. I don’t want to imagine you with someone else. But if I had no choice but to picture you with someone else, that person would be David.”
“I don’t think you know him nearly as well as you think you do,” I replied.
“I know him well enough to know that there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for you and the kids. And that’s what matters to me,” he declared.
I shrugged in response. It was as though he were already gone. Planning my future without him. I admired his strength and resolve, but my heart felt weak and as though it would fail without him.
“You’ll be fine,” Daniel stated. “David’ll see to it that you are.”
“Your brother loves women a little too much,” I suggested.
He gave me a sly smile. “I can assure you he’s only ever had eyes for one woman, and that’s you. You of all people should know that.” After a slight pause he added, “It is possible that he needs you more than I do at this stage. We have lived. We have loved. I’ll be yours eternally. Life is for the living. He needs you. He’ll need you more when I’m gone,” he insisted.
I refused to accept his outlook. He impressed upon me that part of honouring his memory meant honouring his wishes.
“Daniel, neither one of us believes in polygamy. You won’t share me now. Why share me after you’re gone?”
“I won’t be sharing you,” he clarified. “My time here on earth will be done, and you’ll be free to love someone else. I prefer that that someone else be him.”
“This isn’t fair,” I said. “You’re putting me in an impossible situation.”
“I don’t follow. The situation is clear. He’ll be here, I won’t,” he stated.
I was crying now. “You feel you’ve got the right to micro manage my future. You think me being with David will solve everything. You think…”
“I don’t just think. I know. I know David will love you and hold you the way that only I could. I know that in time you will learn to love him,” Daniel stated. Wiping the tears off my cheeks, he beckoned, “Don’t cry sugarpie, please don’t cry. I need you to be at peace with my wishes. I need you to be at peace with the way I’m choosing to leave.”
He tried to convince me that what he was asking for was not extraordinary. He cited a traditional Zambian custom that required the surviving brother of the deceased to take on the figure head role, and to adopt the surviving children.
“Daniel, that is not my tribal custom and neither is it yours,” I argued.
“Yes, I know that, but that is what I want to happen and I do wish you would consider my wishes.”
I rolled my eyes in response.
“Please take this seriously,” he insisted. “I have nothing left to give you when I’m gone. I want you to be happy, and I want you to be taken care of. This is one way for me to ensure that it’ll happen,” he argued.
“Baby you’re so sure that I’ll find happiness with David. So sure. What if I don’t want to move on to someone else after you? What if you’re it for me? You are it for me,” I declared.
“Please don’t be so shortsighted,” he cautioned.
“Don’t patronize me Daniel,” I replied. “This is another way of you controlling me.”
“How am I patronizing you? How am I controlling you? I’m merely looking out for you. I care a lot about what’ll happen to you and the babies when I’m gone.”
“Daniel, I’m not a child. I can take care of myself and look out for myself,” I replied.
“Of course you’re not, and of course you can,” he agreed. “These are my final wishes though. I hope you can at least attempt to honour them.”
“I wish you’d stop with the guilt tripping. You weren’t thinking of me when you went and did up that Do Not Resuscitate order,” I reminded him.
“I am always thinking about you, Temwani, especially when you think I’m not. You misunderstood my intentions behind the DNR order. When I’m on my way out, I’ll just be a shadow of who I was. I don’t want you to feel obligated when it comes to me. I don’t want you to feel you have no choice but to care for me,” he explained.
“When it’s my time to go, I want you to let me go,” he said.
As painful as it was to hear this, I had to respect his wishes.
The chemo was starting to take its toll. Daniel remained in bed for the most part of the day, too sick to get around.
Johnny was a great help, despite his ongoing issues with Michaela and the uncertainty of knowing where he was at any given time. “I might not be much use to anyone at the moment, but I promise to be of use to you and him. Anything you need done, I’m your man. You’ve been there for me, it’s time I repaid the favour,” Johnny stated.
He was there for me as promised. When David was not here, he was. When I stayed up late, crying over Daniel as he lay in bed, too zoned out on medication to move, too sick to do anything other than rest, he stayed up with me.
In moments of lucidity when Daniel would regain vigour, Johnny was there, infusing him with energy and excitement over discussing muscle cars, music and the latest crime drama.
He was there. He was there in ways that David could not be for Daniel.
When Daniel got sicker, while David helped care for the kids when not at work, Johnny was there.
David didn’t hesitate to make his feelings about Johnny known. “I hope you know what you’re doing,” he asked of Daniel one afternoon as he did a quick check up on him.
“I don’t understand,” Daniel stated.
“With Johnny. I hope you know what you’re doing,” he said again. “All these medications, unlimited access to oxycodone…”
Daniel rolled his eyes in response. “I know what you’re alluding to, but I’m not concerned.”
I witheld my comment in the matter. Johnny and David were at odds with each other, most of the time. David’s comment was not surprising.
Johnny who’d overheard David’s comment got annoyed. “I have feelings and you’re hurting them real bad right now. I am more than just an addict you know. I have done things I’m not proud of, but who hasn’t? I’m a work in progress. Aren’t we all? I’m trying to do my best. My bestie’s dying. I’m doing everything I can to help out. I’m doing everything I can to support them two - they’ve been there for me when no one else was. So don’t you come up in here judging me and trying to keep me from helping out. You’ve got no right.”
David cleared his throat before announcing, “Johnny, I know you. Given half a chance I’m sure you’d pinch Daniel’s drugs. We can’t take that risk.”
“He stays,” Daniel insisted.
David turned to look me in the eye and searched my face for an answer. “He stays,” I echoed. “I need him here.”
“Alright,” David said, clearly unhappy. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Johnny scowled in response to David’s statement and stepped out onto the veranda for a cigarette.
“Johnny’s a responsible addict,” Daniel said casually, adding fuel to the flame.
“You’re kidding me right?” David stated, alarmed. “Clearly you’re not thinking straight at the moment. I don’t want him anywhere near the babies.”
“Newsflash baby brother. The babies are mine, and I feel perfectly fine with Johnny being around them,” he said.
“Okay,” David said in reply. “You’re enabling him. A high-functioning addict is still an addict. Stop glorifying his behaviour and stop enabling him.”
“No one’s glorifying anyone’s behaviour. Johnny is Johnny.”
“What kind of a friend are you, Daniel! If you wanted what’s best for him, you’d hear me and heed my advice.” Turning to me, David stated, “I hope you don’t agree with him.”
“I agree with you both, to a point,” I replied. “Johnny’s only human. He’s doing the best he can. I don’t feel he’ll do anything to harm any of us intentional
ly. I also trust when he says he won’t use around me and the kids.”
“You trust him?” David asked as Johnny walked back into the room with new vigour.
“I’ve been in the next room for half an hour, and I’ve come back and you’re still at it. Talkin’ about me. Can you Adam and Eve it?”
David frowned slightly before Daniel thew in, “English mate. Speak English.”
“I say we chew the fat about whatever issues you got with me,” Johnny challenged. “Right here and right now.”
“I have no issues with you mate,” Daniel confirmed. “Neither does trouble and strife here,” he added, referring to me. I rolled my eyes at the attempt at cockney slang.
Johnny laughed in jest. “I see we speak the same language!” he exclaimed. Turning to David, he asked, “So, Davey D. What’s it gonna be?”
“I’ll reserve my judgement and hold my peace for now,” David said.
“Getting that stick out of your arse is what you need to do,”Johnny suggested.
“Be nice Johnny. Be nice,” Daniel said.
“I’m not in the mood for niceties at the moment, especially not where haters are involved,” Johnny replied.
“You know, you never apologised for stealing my prescription pads and for forging my signature on those oxy scripts you did out,” David stated.
Johnny shrugged. “I tried to call you, but you refused to take my calls.”
“It figures,” David said. “You nearly ruined my career.”
“Water under the bridge?” Johnny offered.
“That remains to be seen,” David said sceptically.
“Okay, guys, lighten up,” Daniel intervened. “You both need to make nice. We need the both of you here. Just maybe not at the same time.”
David nodded in agreement, while Johnny arched a brow and stated, “This is where you leave, Davey D.?”
“I’ll be around,” David said, turning to go. He gave Johnny the once over before muttering under his breath at Daniel, “Don’t say I didn’t warn ya’.”
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