“But what if he has?” Craig asked.
“He has had other things to do in that time other than focus on winning me over, I’m sure.”
“But what if he hasn’t? Wasn’t it he who sought you out after so many years? Isn’t he still here waiting on you?” he observed.
I shrugged in response.
“The thing you need to do now is decide on whether you want him to be a part of your life. It’s obvious he wants more than friendship. If you can’t give that to him, you need to cut him loose. If you don’t you might end up losing his friendship as well.”
“I’m not sure that will ever happen. We’re linked inextricably. I was married to his brother,” I argued.
“That is not in question. The point I’m trying to make is you will have to cut him loose if you care for him. Surely you want him to find happiness, even if it isn’t with you. That’s if you care for him.”
“Of course, I care for him,” I retorted, a little angry that Craig was being so blunt. He was right though.
“Could’ve fooled me,” he replied. “This man has gone through so many changes and done so many things to get you to notice him. He’s even playing house with you, and raising kids that are not his own.”
“I didn’t force him to.”
“My point exactly. He is where he is with you because he wants to be with you. This man is completely devoted to you, and if you’re not in the slightest devoted to him, cut him loose.”
“I hear you.”
“He is a good man, you know,” Craig said. “Better than most. Myself included. Daniel was a standup guy, second to none.” Craig recalled, with a look of pain in his face that seemed a little put on and exagerrated. “He’s gone now. He would have wanted you to move on. With David.”
“I hear you,” I said again.
“I’m being serious. You shouldn’t do this alone,” he advised.
“I can do this alone,” I stated.
“You shouldn’t,” he urged, pouring himself another whiskey. “You mind?” he asked.
“Why would I?” I replied.
“Get some sleep,” he suggested. “I’ll wait for David to come back.”
I did as he said but tossed and turned in my sleep, worried I was mistreating David and his goodness.
In the days to come, everything Craig had said continued to weigh heavily on my mind. Angie, a friend from the local playgroup who I’d agreed to meet up with for coffee noticed.
“How are your beautiful babies?” she asked.
“Good, they’re doing real good.”
“They in care at the moment?”
“No, David’s been with them while I’m at work during the day, it’s been good so far. He works evenings.”
“Doesn’t give you much time for yourselves or each other,” she stated.
“It’s not as though we’re officially together…”
“But you could be, right?” she asked.
I couldn’t believe my ears. Everyone had an opinion on what David and I should be.
“We can all see it - eventually he’ll win you over, or eventually he’ll walk away. He’s only human,” she reminded me.
“I see your point.”
“Girlfriend, he has his needs. I’m not suggesting that you’re not meeting some of them. I mean you’re offering him companionship and friendship. But given your history, or should I say, his history of being completely enthralled in you, with that comes the expectation that someday you will give in to him and spend the rest of your life with him,” she assumed.
“I’m pretty sure he’s clear there isn’t a future with me, not in that way anyway.”
“That isn’t as clear cut as you say it is. He speaks of you in such high regard - he speaks of you as a man in love would speak of a woman he is completely devoted to.”
“I know what I feel,” I told her. “I know what I could be doing but feel on some level I’d be betraying Daniel,” I explained.
“Yes, but you’re going to have to make a decision sooner or later. Probably sooner rather than later, before the stakes get too high.”
“The stakes are already high,” I thought aloud.
“Damn straight they are.” Angie replied. “What do you have to lose anyway? He’s completely devoted to you, this much I can say.”
Despite the let down of not being able to take our relationship further, David got busy trying to please me and win my heart over. He started by buying me flowers every Friday, as Daniel had done. His actions warmed my heart.
“You liked the flowers?” he asked one morning.
“I did. Thank you David. I know how you felt about Daniel and the things he did for me. I know that you’re not trying to replace him.”
“I’m not,” he confirmed. “I just want you to be happy,” he insisted. “I’m prepared to go to whatever lengths necessary to make that happen, even if it means picking up where he left off, without the expectation that we will be together someday,” he said. Choosing his words carefully, he added, “I also know how much you value quality over quantity. I want you to know that though I am busy trying to get things going with work, ministry and all, I am here for you, and I will take time off just to be with you and the kids, whenever you need me. I want us to…” he broke off, hesitating to continue. “My time is your time,” he said.
“David, I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel uncomfortable – you’ve walked in and taken on the role of father and provider while I’ve been so…too busy mourning Daniel. I feel I haven’t been there for you at all.”
He shook his head and I saw the love in his eyes despite his clear anguish. Placing both hands on my shoulders, he added, “Don’t apologise, sugar, honey. Me being here with you and me being there for you is more than I could have hoped for. I’m grateful for what I can get,” he said.
“David, you have such a big heart. You fascinate me, your love for me and the babies is just awe inspiring,” I stated.
“And you thrill me,” he said in response. His eyes beholding me deeply, he added, “I adore you. Please let me be there for you,” he requested. On the steps of that old Queenslander we embraced. The strength in his embrace melted me whole. We stood there for a moment, and for that moment time stood still. Craig was right. Keeping him at bay might mean that I would eventually lose him. His love had become too deep for him to consider anyone else, and too deep to even try. I knew right then I needed to let him know how I felt, and move forward.
Suddenly red-faced, he admitted, “I’m not doing a very good job of hiding how I feel these days.” He quickly let go of our embrace and stepped away from me in an effort to conceal the fact that he was aroused. I noted the obvious and quickly looked away, not wanting to embarrass him further. Deep passion for him stirred within me as I noted the clear embarrassment on his face. “I’m sorry,” he managed.
I smiled at him, feeling for him. All was forgiven. After all these years, and after all this time, this man loved me. The man loved me, despite my reluctance to be with him, despite the brokenness he must have felt in this heart when he watched me live and love another.
“What are we doing?” he questioned, interrupting my thoughts. “We started this journey with a kiss, back in Austin. We travelled all the way here to start again, but the way we’re headed isn’t clear. Meanwhile, I still love you. I still want you,” he confessed. “Teme, this can’t go on - it’s becoming harder and harder for me to fight this desire for you. I know I promised I would lay off and calm down, but it’s only you I’m after. Only you,” he professed. “And you not wanting me is sort of doing my head in now. Like, for me this isn’t infatuation. This isn’t just lust. It’s love. Always has been and always will be.”
I silenced him by planting a kiss on his lips.
He stood there, stunned.
“I’m ready to be with you now, if you’ll still have me,” I told him.
He seemed dumbfounded. “What?”
“I want to be with you,” I sai
d. “Properly. Officially.”
Still shocked, he asked, “You sure?”
“David, I’ve never been more sure about anything,” I told him. “I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you were less than. I’m sorry for taking your friendship for granted, and I’m sorry for making you wait so long to be with me. I’ve come to the realisation that I need you, and don’t want to be without you.”
His blue eyes glistened in the yellowing street light, and he took a step back as though to admire me. After giving me the once over, he then reached out to hold my hands, and I held his. His hands were shaking. “I can’t believe this is happening, finally. I’ve waited for this day for so long. I can’t quite explain how you’re making me feel. You’ve just made me so happy,” he said. We stood there holding each other before we let go. He and I were finally together for keeps.
26
VIOLETS ARE BLUE
It seemed nothing could go wrong, but he’d let me down, and I wasn’t going to let this go easily. I’d given myself to him after much resistance, and he didn’t get to treat me this way.
“So, David, we’ve been together for a few weeks now, and I thought it was all good. But I heard through various sources that you were in the market for a new woman. That you were finally free to love,” I said.
He frowned, as though the mere thought disgusted him. “What are you talking about?”
“Claudette took it upon herself to advise me of the fact that you were apparently making plans to settle down, that you wanted kids, and a family of your own. You even went so far as to tell her that you were sick of living in Daniel’s shadow, and that though you loved me and the life we have, you want more.”
“Trust Claudette to take things out of context,” he said, running a hand through his hair.
“And there were photos. She showed me details of your travel itinerary, and told me about your secret visit to Western Australia, where you apparently stayed in an old mining town. She mentioned that the area you stayed in was teeming with women who were after one thing and one thing only – pleasuring men. She showed me and told me enough to make me believe that all this time you’ve been stringing me along. All this time you’ve been playing me for a fool.”
He shook his head in response. “So, after all this time, after everything I’ve done for you and the kids. After everything, you’re taking her word against mine?”
“After all you’ve done for me and the kids?” I asked. “Sorry to make you feel obligated David!”
“I didn’t mean it to come out like that…” he said.
“I thought I knew you David, but I realise now that I don’t know you at all. If you wanted to move on to someone other than me, you could’ve let me know. I would have happily gone on loving Daniel, moving on to no one else after he was gone. He was after all, the love of my life. The passage of time won’t change that. I was stupid to think I’d be more to you than just a conquest. I heard about the string of women you had at your beck and call before we met…”
“Are you done?” he asked. “I can’t take this from you. All I can hear is how disappointed you are in me. All I can hear is how much of a screw up I am.”
“Well, you are screwing up, royally. How can you say you are not!” I exclaimed.
“Have you ever stopped to ask any one of those women exactly how I treated them? Have you ever stopped to ask any one of those women exactly what I did with them? Because until you have, you can’t judge me,” he stated. “I’m no Casanova. I’m a one woman man. You’re the only one I’ve ever had eyes for. All other women be damned. Have you stopped to think for one minute that it could all be lies? Have you stopped to confront whoever it was that told you this?” he questioned.
“Don’t be ridiculous David. Of course I haven’t asked and I cannot go around asking any of those women anything of the sort.”
“Okay. I know I have a bad boy reputation. But you of all people should know how much you mean to me, and that I would not risk anything for what we have. I’m not a slut. I’m not a male gigolo. I’m not a womaniser. It’s all a front,” he stated as a matter of factly.
“David, I wasn’t born yesterday,” I said curtly. “The best thing you can do for me right now is to admit that you never had any intention of settling down with anyone, let alone me, as you love yourself too much to give up being so selfish.”
He shook his head. Something like pain flashed across his face. “Teme, you’re hurting me,” he said, beckoning me to stop in my tracks. “You’re really hurting me.”
I felt my heart sink. I had not set out to hurt him.
“Look, I’ve made a fool out of myself for far too long. I’m never going to be like Daniel. I could never replace him.” His voice strained, he turned away from me. “I screwed up royally when he was alive. Instead of being there for him, I made things difficult for him. I coveted after you instead of supporting you and him, when you were not mine to begin with.” He paused for a moment, in thought. “I’m still screwing up. Now that I’ve got you, I really don’t know how to keep you on side. I’m not trying to hurt you, but it feels like you resent me, and you’re going to great lengths to hurt me…” He turned away brusquely, averting his eyes from me in shame.
“I’m going away with the kids for a few days,” I told him, suddenly. He didn’t seem surprised.
“I understand,” he said immediately. “Don’t stay away too long,” he urged. “When do you leave?”
“I’m leaving tomorrow,” I told him. It felt as though I were running away, again, except this time from David, not Daniel.
A flash of disappointment went across his face. He stopped pacing and sat down on the sofa as though to catch his breath. “I guess I haven’t given you much incentive to stay,” he said. After a momentary pause, he begged, “Please don’t leave me now, Teme. Not even for a moment. I can’t go back to living my life without you.”
I sighed in response. “You meant what you said, David,” I reminded him. “Plus, I haven’t exactly been fair. The kids, you and I became a family overnight. I thought you could deal…” I started. “Daniel thought you could deal…”
“I hear you,” he replied. “I just wanted you to love me for who I am, not who you expect me to be. I will never be the man that Daniel was, but I can give you more of what I have. More of what I am. That’s if you’ll still have me. I love the kids. I love them as though they are my own. But I want you to carry my babies. I want to be the only one you lust after, the one you desire and no one else. I want to give you my name.”
“David…”
“Wait here, just a moment,” he said suddenly. “There’s something I want you to see.”
From the top of the bookshelf, he retrieved some papers. Drawings and sketches. He unfolded one and rolled out the other onto the dining table. It was a blueprint of sorts. “Daniel started building this before his health took a turn for the worse. He wanted me to finish it off for you,” he explained. “It was hard keeping this from you, it’s been hard keeping secrets from you.”
“There shouldn’t be any secrets between us,” I reminded him.
“No, there shouldn’t be,” he said, regrettably. “Unfortunately, there have been, and I’m truly sorry.” I wondered what else he knew of that I had yet to find out. He handed me a note written on Daniel’s trademark parchment paper. It read:
My Dear Brother,
Thank you for all that you have been to her. I know it hasn’t been easy, but you’re a stand-up guy. If she hasn’t tired of you by now (she shouldn’t, deep down she adores you, and if you wear her down with your charm and your kindness and adoration for her, she will find it within her to love you), I hope you will work up the nerve to ask her to marry you. This garden arc is for the both of you, in hopes that it’ll be a daily reminder of how lucky you are to still have life, and how lucky you are to still have love. I beseech you to find happiness with each other.
Daniel.
P.s. Anything or anyone else and I�
��ll come back to haunt you.
David smiled ever so slightly. I burst out into laugher which was short lived. How presumptuous of Daniel to assume that I would fall so easily for David. “How presumptuous of him,” I stated aloud.
“Playing matchmaker again,” David concluded.
I nodded in agreement, pondering the letter and visualising the garden arc he had mentioned in it.
David placed his hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently. “You okay?”
I nodded my head to the affirmative. He placed the letter in my hand and added, “For what it’s worth, I still do want you to love me and I still do want you to marry me someday. I just want it to be what you want too.” He didn’t wait for my response before adding, “You know I wish I could say I want you to love me for me, and not out of loyalty to him, but I can’t. After all these years of wanting you and yearning after you, I just want you in any way you’ll have me. I’ll take anything. I really wish you didn’t have to leave. I feel once you do, there’ll never be a chance for us again.”
I stood there, touched by the sincerity in his eyes and the adoration in his words. No response I could’ve come up with would equate such a declaration of love. He was beautiful, the light dancing on his auburn brown curls, his lightly stubbled chin giving him a rugged look. “My Aussie dream,” I accidentally said aloud.
“Sorry?”
Embarrassed, instead of explaining myself to him, I leant forward to kiss him. I could feel him melt the moment my lips touched his. As briefly as I had kissed him, I pulled back. He seemed stunned, somewhat gasping for breath.
I hadn’t meant to kiss him, not then, and not like that, but I did. I had.
Taken aback he uttered, “Please don’t hold back now, I’ll take anything.”
I tried to explain but failed, my head reeling from the kiss. “I didn’t mean to…”
“I see,” he said, a little too quickly. Switching topic he stated, “Alrighty. I need to show you something, are you ready for the big reveal? Ready to see the arc?”
My Dusk My Dawn Page 43