We made our way back upstairs, and in bed he held me in his arms, to comfort me, though I was convinced it was partly an attempt to ensure I remained where I said I would remain.
True to his word, we drove to Lenah Vale early the next morning. Both kids were being looked after by a friend, so there was no need to rush the visit.
We both got out and stared at the expansive white gates and barbed wired fence. “You’ll be okay?” David asked, leaning against the car door. I realised then that he wasn’t coming in with me.
I nodded in response, unsure of what to make of his stance. It seemed as though everyone was distancing themselves from Daniel when he needed them the most.
“Before you do,” he started, approaching me. He traced a finger along the outline of my lips, then placed his strong hands on my shoulders. “Remember how much I love you. Remember how much I cherish what we have and how much I adore you. Remember that I’ll support you in everything, and will be with you ‘til the end.”
“I love you too,” I told him, leaving him in the car, my heart and mind already with Daniel in the walls of that prison.
I showed the guard my prefilled visitor’s form, and he let me in through the initial security gate. I walked a few metres with a guard before I got to the sliding door entrance of the prison. Inside, I was directed to a legal conference room. I sat on one side of the glass, waiting for Daniel to be ushered in.
Moments later, he was brought in. His face showed signs of strain, his eyes a turbulent sea of blue. Seeing him behind glass, in his prison jumpsuit, brought tears to my eyes. Holding the phone in his hand, he motioned for me to use the one on my end. I picked it up, and placed the receiver against my ear, tears falling down my face.
“Don’t cry, beauty. I’m fine,” he said.
You’re anything but fine, I thought, knowing he was being stoic and brave.
“Sugarpie,” he commenced, and I managed to laugh in between tears.
“You don’t get to call me that anymore,” I said.
“I will, if it’ll make you smile,” he advised. “How are you?”
“I’m managing the best I can,” I told him. “I didn’t realise how much I’d worry after you.”
“You miss me?” he asked abruptly.
“Ask me something else,” I told him.
“Why’re you here?” he asked. “Is this a welfare check?”
“Daniel, we were married once. This is more than just a welfare check,” I replied.
“We’re still married,” he corrected. I nodded in response. Not for much longer, I thought.
“I’m doing okay, just trying to keep my head above water,” he said. “Is David not here with you?”
“He’s in the car,” I advised.
“I see,” he said pensively. Leaning forward, he mentioned, “Those divorce papers you wanted signed, I left them in the top drawer, guest room,” he advised. “I owe you that much,” he stated.
The timing was all wrong. He, behind bars, me, no longer one foot out the door but still full of love for him. Love hadn’t ended. It had been arrested. Despite everything that David was to me, and he was everything, I longed to go back to where Daniel and I had left off, as it felt we hadn’t concluded in love. I longed to go back to the moment that he’d decided to leave, except he wouldn’t leave this time. I would will him to stay.
Daniel rapped on the glass. “Hey.” As he stared straight at me I noticed the deep sadness in his eyes, but I knew that he would not dare cry. “I’ll always love you, but it’s for the best. David needs you now more than ever,” he stated. “File those papers, and you’re free to marry him, just as soon as you’ve had the babies,” he said.
I stopped for a moment, puzzled. “What are you talking about? Why only after I’ve had the babies?”
“Texan law dictates that you can’t get divorced while you’re expecting, whether or not the child or children are from the current spouse,” Daniel explained.
That was news to me. I knew instantly that David would be disappointed.
“There’s no doubt that these babies are his,” I stated, removing any shade he’d intended to throw my way.
“How can you be that certain?” he asked to my surprise.
What? “I know who I slept with if you know what I mean,” was my abrupt response. I was livid at the suggestion that I might have slept with someone else.
“Well, it was a miracle you got pregnant with David, given his - well, his condition. Even more of a miracle that you’re carrying twins,” Daniel stated. I frowned slightly, puzzled at what he was getting at.
“The doctor wasn’t wrong about your due date,” he said into the phone, in a mysterious and cryptic manner. I sat there for a moment in silence, trying to figure out what he was trying to say. “You weren’t wrong about the date of conception,” he added.
“Daniel, will you stop beating around the bush and just say what you want to say?” I asked.
“Alright,” he said, shifting slightly in his seat. The guard to the right of him motioned for him to wrap things up. He nodded in response. “I recommend you order a DNA test of the babies as soon as they’re born. I have reason to believe they are yours and mine, not yours and his,” he said.
I tried to hide my shock, but couldn’t. “That’s impossible,” I suggested.
“Is it now?” he asked. “You wanted it as much as I did that night,” he stated. “I didn’t violate you, you gave me your consent.”
My mind flitted back to the night when I believed the babies were conceived. David had said he’d be doing a 12-hour shift at the General Hospital that night, and I’d been surprised to find him urging me to fall into his arms in the early hours of the morning. At the time, I’d thought it quite unusual that he was so filled with energy after such a long shift. The love that we’d made had been passionate, voracious, explosive and very much like the love Daniel and I used to make. When I mentioned this to David the following morning, he put it off to it possibly being a very lucid dream. Only, it was no dream, as I came to realise now, following Daniel’s confession. It had been Daniel in the flesh, all along.
“I can’t believe this Daniel,” I said, angrier than I was before, but now crying. “How dare you violate me.”
“You wanted me as much as I wanted you,” he said in justification. “I didn’t violate you.”
“I didn’t know it was you.”
“I was and still am your husband,” he said. “I didn’t violate you.”
“Time’s up,” the guard announced sharply.
“I do love you Teme. You can be with him now, just like you’ve always wanted to. Just not until after the babies are born. I didn’t make the law,” he said.
“No, but you took matters into your own hands and made decisions to suit you – you became a law unto yourself,” I said, in between tears.
“It wasn’t all about me. I did it for the love of you,” he explained. “I was all alone and I needed you. I know you needed me too.”
I shook my head in response, a sinking feeling in my stomach. David will be devastated. “How can I be with David now, in all good conscience, after everything you’ve told me? How is anything ever supposed to go back to normal…”
“Visiting time is over,” the guard announced, ignoring the fact that Daniel and I were still talking.
“I love you,” Daniel mouthed, pressing two fingers on his lips then onto the glass. Obediently, he got up, to presumably avoid trouble for himself later on. Shifting awkwardly due to the chains on his feet, he offered his hands up to the guard. The guard gruffly cuffed him and led him down the hall. I watched after him for a while until his silhouette was gone. David will not just be devastated, he’ll be heartbroken to find out that the babies might not be his. I sat there in front of the glass moments after Daniel had gone. Overwhelmed with emotion, I cried.
When I got back to the parking lot, David was restless. I could tell that the time I’d spent seeing Daniel had him on edge.
“How is he?” he asked immediately.
“As well as can be,” I stated, not wanting to talk, and just wanting to cry.
“How are you?” he asked, tracing the outline of my face with his fingers. “You’ve been crying,” he noticed.
“It’s…” I started, before breaking off. I wasn’t quite sure what to say and when. “He wants to see you next time,” I managed.
“I figured so much,” he replied. “I just couldn’t bear to see him today. Part of me wishes I was in there instead of him,” he stated. Searching my face for anything that would indicate that I’d made a choice between him or Daniel, he found nothing. Apart from the tears of sadness, I’d found a way of disguising my emotion with him. For a time anyway.
We sat in silence for a moment before he spoke again. “I’m feeling pretty helpless right now, there probably isn’t anything I can tell you that’ll sway you either way. I can tell you’re conflicted,” he said, sighing heavily before stating under his breath, “He wasn’t supposed to fall for you in the first place,” he said, referring back to the job that he’d ordered and the request he’d made for Daniel to save me all those years ago.
“So much for the best laid plans,” I thought aloud.
“Well, I guess with the babies I’ll always be in your life,” he hoped.
The bad feeling in the pit of my stomach grew. They may not be your babies. I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t. Not just yet anyway. Instead, I stated, “David, you know it isn’t just about the babies. It’s about the bond that we have. The love that we share, and so much more.”
He took my hands in his. “I know. But I just can’t shake the feeling that we’re loving and living on borrowed time,” he said worriedly. “I know what I said before about being okay with whatever decision you make, but the more I think about it, the more I know that I won’t be okay. You’re my first love. I’ve loved you way too long to go back to living without you,” he said, exhaling deeply as though he were taking a final breath before dying.
“David, he signed the papers,” I said, my heart skipping a beat as I spoke those words. He’d decided to let me go.
David’s eyes lit up instantly. “That’s awesome…,” he started, stopping short before searching for the right words to say. I knew the news of Daniel having signed the papers was good news to him. Instead, he paused further before asking, “Is this what you want?” I shrugged in response.
“We can file them but I won’t be divorced from him until the babies are born,” I told him. He seemed a little shocked.
“Why not?”
“Law of Texas,” I said. “If the woman is pregnant, whether or not the kids are from the marriage or not, she cannot get divorced until the babies are born.”
“Some law,” David said. “Why do I get the feeling there’s more?”
I held my silence.
“If there’s more to this, you need to tell me now,” he requested.
Heart pounding so much so that I could hear it in my ears, I decided to tell him to save delaying the inevitable discovery. “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the babies may not be yours. They might be his.”
I watched the colour drain from his face and my heart sunk.
“But how is that even possible?” he said aloud, despair and anguish clear in his voice. “How can this be?”
“Remember how I tried to convince you of the night that I believed the babies were conceived, and you put it down to a lucid dream? Well, according to him, it was no lucid dream. It was him.”
David’s face turned red with anger, and he slammed his fist against the top of the steering wheel. “Damn it,” he swore angrily.
“I’m so sorry David,” I apologised.
“Don’t,” he said. “Don’t apologise. This is all him. I know you well enough to know you wouldn’t do this to me willingly,” he stated. “Man, this is just beyond belief. Nice guys do finish last, I guess,” he said, furious. Breathing heavily, he yanked open the car door and paced alongside the car. Apart from the day Daniel and David had had it out on the veranda at our cottage in Nambour on the Sunshine Coast, I had never seen him this angry. I sat in the passenger seat, waiting for him to cool off. I needed to give him a moment. He needed a moment to come to terms with what I’d said. I needed a lifetime to come to terms with what Daniel had said. Eventually, he yanked open the door and got into the car, still livid.
“I’m so sorry David,” I said again.
“Again, don’t apologise,” he insisted. “This is all his doing.”
“Where do we go from here?” I asked.
“I say we go home right away, and I lay you down and make love to you. He’s back. What we have will be over soon enough, if he has anything to do with it. I want us to focus on the here and now. So if you’re asking me, I’m asking you for permission to make fervent love to you when we are alone, tonight.”
I blushed at the suggestion. Before I even had a chance to reply, he stated, “Tomorrow’s tomorrow. We’ll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow. We still have tonight,” he said, leaning in to give me a passionate kiss before starting the car. He’s never kissed me like this before, I thought, the sense of urgency and fervour in him making my senses reel out of control.
“If what we have has to come to an end, I’ll give you something to remember me by. Something to miss,” he vowed.
That evening, David stood against the bedroom wall by the bed we’d shared as husband and wife. By the bed he’d built when there was only ever the possibility of us being lovers in some distant time in the future which would eventually came to pass. By our bed of dreams, wants and desires.
“You coming to bed?” I asked.
“Not just yet. We need to talk,” he said, not moving from where he was, standing up against the wall.
“Okay,” I replied. I knew by his tone it would be one of those serious conversations.
“Darlin’ this won’t do,” he stated. “I know what I said earlier, but me wanting to have you while you’re still married to him - that won’t do,” he said. “I’m an ordained minister now. I need to do better than to give in to my emotions. I need to do better than to lead you down a path that’ll surely cause you to sin. Now that we know he’s back, and I’ve known for a while now, we need to do the right thing. We know better. I know better.”
“I hear what you’re saying David. The issue is, we took vows to each other. I promised to love you to the exclusion of all others,” I reminded him.
“Yes, you did. We both did. That was before we knew he was still alive…” he reminded me.
“We might not be legally married, but my heart is with you,” I declared.
“Is it now?” he asked.
“It always has been David. You shouldn’t have to ask. After all this time, and what we’ve been through together, what we’ve shared, you should know it is.”
He shrugged in response. “All I know is I’ve been loving you a long time and I never thought I’d be without you in the end.”
“This isn’t the end,” I told him.
“Oh, but it is,” he replied. “I know you still love him. I know part of you still wants to be with him, to rekindle what you had. If he hadn’t gone away, you might’ve still been together.”
“Might’ve. Not if you had anything to do with it.”
“True,” he agreed. “But you made a decision in the end. You chose him. You’re choosing him now.”
“David, it’s more complicated than that…”
“It isn’t,” he insisted, “You know, I know you better than you know yourself sometimes, just as you know me inside and out. It isn’t complicated. It’s a matter of love, loyalty and honour. I’ve always been here for you, and I will always be there for you. I just know we can’t continue to ignore the fact that he’s back. This is adultery,” he stated, point blankly.
“Dave, your argument has a lot of holes in it,” I said.
“Right. How so? How ‘bout you school me then,
Counsellor?”
“Okay, for one, you’ve known Daniel was back for time. How long have you known?”
“A few weeks now.”
“How many weeks?” I asked.
He pondered for a moment before stating, “Well, he’s been back since Adalia’s birthday.”
“That long?” I asked.
“Yes, I’m afraid,” he said. “Look I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. I just couldn’t bring myself to give you up that soon.”
“Okay, so you’ve known since June. I found out in or around July.”
He nodded in response.
“So the argument about us committing adultery now, is really about us committing adultery then as well, since you knew he was back, and technically he and I were still married. What about the times before we got married, when he and I were still together, and you literally committed adultery just by thinking of me?”
“I know,” he said somberly. “I just think that now we know he’s back for sure, and you’re still officially married, we shouldn’t be doing anything to get in the way of a future between you and him.”
I shook my head in disagreement. “I wish you’d fight harder for me David.”
“Please don’t say that. I’ve been fighting for you all these years. Trying not to get in the way, waiting for you to take me on. If I had his balls and his guts, I would’ve spoken to you all those years ago, and you and I would be together. No doubt. But I’m just not like him. I can’t…”
“David, no one asked you to be like him.”
“No, but being like him would’ve gotten me a lot further with you than where I am now,” he alleged.
“David, I fully enjoyed the time we shared together, and I can say with a full heart, if he wasn’t around, I would be with you, forever,” I declared and felt my heart sigh at the mention of the fact that forever with him would only exist if Daniel were not around.
He left his post on the wall and joined me on the end of our bed.
“Look, if the chance comes again that he isn’t around, I’ll be here for you, waiting for you to take me on again,” he promised. Stroking his chin as he did when he was anxious, he added, “I love you so much, Temwani. You truly are my best friend and my other half. Lost without you is what I’ll be, but I’ll try to get by,” he said sadly.
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