by M. Malone
“I’m the only one undressed. I’m feeling a little lonely over here.”
“We can’t have that.” Noah yanked his T-shirt over his head and threw it on the floor.
Lucia sighed and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him down into her embrace.
“I really was lonely, you know. For so long all I’ve wanted was for you to see me. For you to let me love you and give you the family you’ve never had. I’ll be your family, Noah. Me and, hopefully one day, our children. You’ll never feel alone again.”
His world stopped spinning and he pulled back to see her face. “Our kids?”
It shouldn’t have been a surprise. He knew Lucia wanted children and a traditional family. Wasn’t that why he’d hated watching her date so much? Because he’d known that one day she’d find some guy, marry him and pop out a few adorable babies. It had torn him up to imagine his Lucia round with another man’s baby.
But the idea of fathering her children hit him like a ton of bricks. He came from the streets and had very few memories of his own father. What the hell did he know about any of that? He’d seen so few functional relationships that it was almost laughable to think he could suddenly be husband and father material. Lucia needed a man who could do both. He looked down at her all flushed and glowing with love in his bed. What had he ever done to deserve the love of a woman like this?
You don’t deserve it, the insidious voice in the back of his mind whispered. She has no idea what you are truly capable of.
“Noah? What’s wrong?”
He hadn’t even realized he’d pulled away until she spoke. Lucia crossed her arms, covering her breasts. Noah’s mind raced as he was assaulted with images of what the future might hold— Lucia holding a beautiful baby with his dark hair and her gray eyes. Lucia happy for a while until she figured out that Noah would never be the man she needed.
Lucia leaving him.
“Nothing. I need to check on things. Stay here.” He kissed her forehead softly when she started to speak. “I’ll be back.”
He could feel her eyes on his back as he knelt to grab his shirt off the floor. It felt like a laser drilling a hole through him and it only made him move faster. He needed to get away. Away from expectations and the love shining in her eyes. He had a job to do. He would never be the man Lucia truly deserved but he could be the protector she needed. All this emotion was enough to make him forget what was truly important, keeping her safe. Emotion made you soft and he couldn’t afford that.
Not with Lucia’s life on the line.
Lucia watched with mounting fear as Noah dressed quickly and left the room. He’d moved stiffly while yanking his shirt back on, like he couldn’t wait to get away from her.
She sighed.
With Noah the dance never ended. Anytime she thought she was making progress with him, something would happen to remind her that he wasn’t just a guy. He was a complicated man with an extremely dark past. Despite everything they’d talked about today, she didn’t fool herself into believing that he’d been completely honest. There were so many things about his past, especially his childhood, that he never discussed. She’d tried over the years to cajole information out of him.
Where had he lived up until his parents died?
Did he remember his life before then?
How had he survived being shuttled from foster home to foster home?
So many questions. The only reason she even knew he’d been in foster care or that he was an orphan was because Rafe had told her once. Looking back, it was surprising that her secretive brother had shared even that much, but he’d been trying to make her understand why Noah was different from the boys she knew, despite being closer to her in age than he was to Rafe. No doubt her brother had thought it would turn her off and keep her away from Noah, but it had done the exact opposite.
Ever since she’d found out about his tragic beginnings, it had fostered a deep well of affection for the lost boy who’d become such a serious, brooding but protective man.
A man who was going to need more than a few I love yous to trust her. Lucia slid off the bed and found her shirt. After putting it on, she went into the en suite bathroom. Her hair was wild around her head but her eyes shined with a secret knowledge. She looked … happy.
It was true, she realized. Even though Noah had walked out, she’d gotten through to him. She’d shown him how she felt and received his love in return. Things weren’t perfect but this was the happiest she’d ever been. Because now she knew Noah truly loved her, too.
After splashing water on her face, she patted her skin dry and secured her hair in a bun on top of her head. She walked back into the bedroom and then out to the hallway. The loft was always busy, so the sounds of voices didn’t alarm her, not even when the voices turned into shouts. The guys who worked for Noah communicated the same way he did— loud and proud.
When she descended the stairs, Jonas stepped out of the kitchen. Just who she wanted to see. Lucia didn’t know the whole story with Jonas but he definitely seemed to understand Noah. If anyone could shed some light on his behavior it was Jonas. Her second choice was Matthias, but she knew Noah thought of him as a kid. Plus she couldn’t be sure he wouldn’t go blabbing to Noah.
“Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?”
Jonas eyed her warily but followed her to the other side of the loft. There was a seldom-used sitting area with two couches separated by a glass-topped table. Lucia walked over to the tall windows looking out over the city. The view up here was simply breathtaking. The city looked like a maze of concrete and buildings. Jonas joined her at the window and took a sip from the mug of coffee he held.
“You’ve known Noah a long time, haven’t you?”
Jonas nodded but didn’t speak. Lucia smiled. These guys were all cut from the same cloth— suspicious, hesitant but loyal to the core. Jonas liked her, but he wouldn’t do anything to betray his friend. It made her like him even more.
“Don’t look so worried. I’m not asking you to tell me anything. I’m just happy that he has you as a friend. He deserves to have good people around him.”
Jonas glanced back at the window. “He’s hard to get to know, but it’s worth it. There have been so many times that guy has saved my ass.”
“I’m sure you’ve done your share of saving, too.”
He chuckled. “That I have. That is one crazy dude. You know I used to be a cop?”
“Sure I did.” Lucia shook her head back and forth while she said it which made Jonas laugh.
Considering how closemouthed all these guys were, she was lucky just to know their names. Although, she could see Jonas as a cop. He was the type of guy who liked to follow the rules. He would have been one of the good ones, the kind in it for the right reasons, to serve and protect their community. The kind they needed.
“Well, there was a lot of corruption behind the scenes in my precinct. Noah got me out of a seriously fucked up situation and I never forgot it. When he offered me a job years later, it was a lifeline. I know you get frustrated with him but he’s only trying to protect you. Funny thing is, I think you might be the one who can save him.”
Lucia gulped, wishing with everything she had that it was true. “It’s hard to hold someone close who doesn’t know how to stay in one place. Noah isn’t used to being loved.”
Jonas was quiet for a minute and Lucia resisted the urge to beg him for more information. Although she did want his help, she’d never want to make him feel that he was compromising his loyalty to his friend. Sometimes that was the only thing you could count on. Now that she knew more about Noah’s background, it was apparent why his friends were so important to him. Lucia was glad he had a whole team of people he could count on in his life. She loved him, and that was all she wanted for him. Even if she wished with all her heart that she could be one of those people he trusted implicitly.
“Don’t give up on him. Be patient with him. He’s only going to let you go so deep. Hell, he’ll probably
try to get away just because he thinks he’s not good enough for you. Don’t let him,” Jonas finally said.
“I won’t. I promise.”
Lucia squeezed his arm before he walked away. In a way, she felt like she’d passed a test. Jonas had trusted her enough to tell her that and these guys, they didn’t trust easily. But hopefully she’d shown them that she was trustworthy and, most importantly, that she loved them all. She would never do anything to hurt or compromise them.
chapter seven
THE WHOLE DRIVE to Nonna's house, Lucia and Jonas sat in relatively companionable silence. Their earlier conversation had given her a lot to think about, and for that matter, so had Noah. When they reached her grandmother's house, Jonas parked then immediately busied himself with the football game on television. While he screamed about the Giants losing, Lucia took the time to question her grandmother.
Too bad Nonna was having none of that.
"Lucia, I’ve told you once if I’ve told you a hundred times, you sometimes have to let these things go. Sometimes you can't get answers."
Her grandmother stood at the stove stirring the sauce. The entire room smelled like rich tomatoes and spices. Lucia’s stomach growled just from breathing the scent. Usually spending time in the kitchen with her grandmother was one of her favorite things to do. It was so relaxing to work side by side creating all of her favorite comfort foods. But today she got no joy from watching her Nonna work. Because she knew her grandmother was keeping things from her.
"I refuse to believe that, Nonna. This is my life, too. I've got these large, missing gaps that I think you can help me fill in. I want to be able to mourn Rafe properly.” Why did everyone always meet her with resistance? Was it so wrong to want to know what had happened? To want to know the truth?
“He’s gone, Lucia. You have to accept that.”
Lucia threw up her hands. “I know he's gone, Nonna. I know nothing is going to bring him back, but these answers will help me put him to rest once and for all. I love Noah, but there is so much he hides from me. So much he's unwilling to show me."
Her grandmother sighed. "Sweetheart, maybe you weren’t meant to see everything. You’re only frustrating yourself. Men like to keep their secrets."
"I’m sorry, but I feel like that's a cop out, that notion that I just wasn't meant to know. I'm strong enough. Sooner or later everyone is going to have to see that." She lifted her gaze to meet her grandmother's while she was at the stove. "I know you are hiding things from me. And don't tell me that you’ve been squirreling money away for a rainy day. Don't tell me that over the years you’ve set something aside. That was a lot of money I found that day, Nonna. I know something is going on. And I want to know what."
At first, Lucia was convinced that her grandmother wasn't going to tell her. That once again she’d lie or evade. But then Nonna sighed and stopped stirring the sauce on the stove. She turned it down to a simmer then took a seat at the table.
"Ever since your parents died, you and Rafe lived with me. I'd always known that he was different. Sure he got in trouble, but there was a fierceness about him. A protectiveness. He wanted to do the right things. He wanted to look after you, look after me. He just didn't always choose the best roads to get there. Hit a little trouble here and there. Mostly kid stuff."
"Boys will be boys," Lucia offered helpfully. She hated that excuse. But her grandmother was old school.
Nonna nodded. "Yes. But your brother also had his own code of justice. When Bobby Nederlander down the street was bullying Jimmy Oates next door, calling him all kinds of horrid names, Rafe found the one way to make Bobby pay. He wanted to make sure he never did it again. It was public and harsh. But it got the point across."
Lucia frowned. She vaguely remembered, but it had been right after they came to live with Nonna. She was seven, maybe eight? But she remembered Bobby Nederlander. He'd been tied to a telephone post out front in just his boxers with ‘I'm a coward’ written on him in lipstick.
Someone also tied a feather boa around him, added a fuzzy hat, and clipped on his mother's earrings. The interesting thing was nobody had cut him down. He stayed like that for two and half hours until old Mr. Jamison down the street was heading for work. Everyone else was too scared to do it. It was as if there was some kind of code that everyone understood.
All Lucia knew was that after that day, Bobby had never bothered Jimmy again. Hell, Bobby kept the lowest profile ever. And he’d never said who tied him to the pole. It became this crazy urban legend, that there was some kind of bullying vigilante.
"I think I remember that. That was Rafe?"
Thinking about it, she remembered how after that day, somehow Jimmy had suddenly become all buddy-buddy with the jocks. Like he was under their protection or something. No doubt her brother’s doing, though she didn’t know it at the time.
Nonna smiled. "I know I shouldn’t condone violence or vigilantism, but it made me feel proud. That even though your brother saw Jimmy next door as the annoying little kid, even though they had no friends in common, even though Jimmy was scrawny and not pleasant to be around, Rafe wanted justice and he fixed it the best way he knew how. And then he took care of him afterward like he was his. I’m still not entirely sure what he did to Bobby, but whatever it was put the kid back on the straight and narrow. He now works as a parole officer or something. Never had a spot of trouble after that."
Lucia wasn't entirely sure giving a kid like Bobby power was a good thing, but Nonna seemed to think it was. “I didn't know Rafe did that.”
What else didn’t she know about her brother? How much of himself had he kept hidden from her, from Nonna, from everyone?
Her grandmother nodded. "Noah is the same kind of person. From the moment Rafe brought him home and said he was the boy’s mentor, I knew something was up. Noah had too many facets. He was too edgy, always looking like he was ready to run. The kind of look you get from a lifetime on the run, a lifetime of never being able to relax. Poor kid had no family. I'm not even entirely sure he was old enough to work at the security firm, but every other night or so Rafe would drag him home for dinner. What was I gonna do, not feed the kid? And then, he was always there, glued to your brother's hip. I finally started dragging the lot of you to Sunday Mass, trying to give all of you as much family time as I could."
Lucia sniffed back tears. "I needed that, Nonna. Noah knows what you did for him, too. He loves you."
"And just like your brother, he has a firm idea of justice and what's right. When that money started to turn up six years ago, I knew it was him, seeing that we were taken care of. He knew if he tried to give it to me outright, I wouldn't take it. So he gave it to me in a way that I couldn't deny it. Pure hard cash. He’s been sending it to me for years. Once a month, on the first, a few thousand dollars. It helped with the extras, especially when you were younger. I wouldn’t have been able to afford the Catholic school that I sent you to in high school on my own. The money helped a lot."
Lucia blinked back her shock. "I had no idea. Nonna, if you need money—"
Her grandmother waved her off. "No, no, no. It's not that I needed money. Because we would've figured something out. You would've gone to that school on a scholarship, no doubt. But it was about the extras. So that I could get you a nice prom dress instead of having to make it for you. So that when your school took an international trip, I could afford to send you. That money made all the difference. And Noah saw to it. And I don't want to know where the money came from or how he went about it. But I know I can count on it. And I know he does it because he loves us. Although, I know he can’t always find the words."
Lucia hugged herself tight, rocking back and forth. For six years, Noah had helped look after her grandmother. Something she'd been trying to do but had been unsuccessful at thus far. He’d looked after her and made sure she hadn’t wanted for anything. He looked after Lucia, too. Even when she wanted to dislike him. Like with her rent. Like now. Her heart squeezed. How could he not see
how good he was?
"Nonna, has Noah ever said where the money comes from? He only started Blake Security four years ago. What was he doing for money before then?"
Her grandmother lowered her lashes. "I have learned over the years, when people do good, sometimes it's best not to ask how or why. Just accept it and be grateful."
Lucia wished she could do that. Turn the other cheek and not ask questions. But she couldn't. All she wanted to do was understand Noah. And for that, she was going to need some answers.
Lucia wished the afternoon with Nonna had given her more insight. Well, she'd gotten a few answers to her brother’s past. And she knew how long Noah had been looking out for them. Nonna hadn’t said it directly, but her grandmother was likely assuming he hadn’t gotten the money legitimately. Thankfully she’d never guess the truth. She knew what he was capable of but she didn't want him hiding anymore. Lucia didn't care who he’d been or what he’d done, she knew who Noah really was.
Despite all that, she was still not completely ready to accept this new version of Rafe. She couldn’t bring herself to believe that part. It was difficult after having one image of him her whole life to suddenly realign all those facts into a new picture.
When Jonas brought her back to the office, she gave him a tight hug and told him she was sorry about the Giants. Of course that made him moan and grumble as he walked toward the kitchen to rustle up some food. As it was Sunday, it was really only her, Matthias, and Jonas around.
Matthias had been making himself scarce. Noah was God knew where. As she headed back to her room, she passed Noah's office and hesitated.
No. You can't go in there. Snooping is not going to get you anything you want.