by C. J. Harte
“Man, M.J., that’s some of the best music you’ve written. How do you want to play it?” The drummer was already tapping away at rhythms.
“I thought we could put it in the second half of the show. I want to include it in Miami, but that will mean a lot of practice today if we’re going to do it. It would be great because we have a recording session scheduled after Atlanta and we could start out with these. Can we do it? Get it into the show in a couple of days?”
They talked about how hard it would be to work out the music, but the songs were so powerful the band signed on to work all day and during the travel to get the music down. Maggie was thrilled. The band liked the music as much as she did. For the first time in a long time, she felt some measure of peace. But she still wanted and needed Susan to feel whole again.
*
As with every concert, Maggie donated a large block of tickets to the local Susan G. Komen and AIDS groups as a fund-raiser and arranged seating up front. Maggie insisted stairs be placed at the front of the stage so she could come down and meet some of the people. The security people, concerned about her safety, tried to form a buffer around her. She insisted she be allowed to meet the fans. She would walk around and find someone in the audience to sing to. The audience loved it.
The night of the Orlando performance, Maggie was edgier than usual. Her hairstylist kept nagging at her to sit still. “Girlfriend, it’s none of my business, but you sure have been restless lately.”
“Cool it, Johnny.”
“Just expressing concern. I hear there’s a lot of money people out front.” The hair dresser warmed to his favorite task—gossip. “They had a couple of huge dinners before the concert and brought a lot of those rich queens over in limos. Honey, you should see the gowns. And not all of them are on queens, mind you. There are some hot-looking women out there, too. Want me to scout one out for you? I have excellent taste in women.”
“You probably have better luck with women than I do.” Maggie laughed at the idea. “But tonight, I’ll pass. I’m exhausted.” Seeing the disappointment on his face, she added, “But maybe you can get some phone numbers for tomorrow. And don’t forget the party at the hotel after the concert. Lots of food.”
The concert started on time. Maggie was energized. She took a deep breath and ran out onto the stage. During the first set, she welcomed the local charities groups and asked the executive directors to come up on stage. Speaking strongly about the need to end AIDS, Maggie drew applause. “AIDS is not about being gay, being black, white, young, old. It’s about being sick and wanting to live.” The audience applauded loudly. She quieted the audience, then continued, “The Susan G. Komen Foundation has a special place in my heart. My mother died of breast cancer while still in her thirties, and it drastically changed my life. Her life was too short and I never got to really say good-bye.” She began one of her new songs, a promise of hope in a lonely world.
As she finished, Maggie reached back near the edge of the band. A single yellow rose was given to each of the executive directors. As they were escorted off the stage, the audience stood and applauded, many wiping tears. It was the first time Maggie had publicly mentioned her mother. Two more songs and the first half of the performance ended with the band playing for several minutes before breaking. At intermission, she began to relax.
The last set was a slower pace, a combination of love songs and new music, including two more songs Maggie had completed during the tour. In spite of being hoarse and tired, this was her favorite part of the show.
She sat on the top step at the edge of the stage. Looking out into the dark arena, she spoke. “One of the many things I learned from a special person is that part of loving someone is finding magic and holding on to it, believing in it. This next song is a reminder that sometimes we have to work to find that magic.”
The band began to play. Closing her eyes, M.J. slid a hand up and down her thigh. She hummed the melody. When she opened her eyes, she looked out into the black. “Tell that person that the love you feel deep inside will never go away, no matter what fears, no matter what threats and words they may hurl at you.”
The lights dimmed and a soft, wailing sound began. Maggie closed her eyes as if she was lost in some other place, some other feeling. She began her new song, “Deep Inside Me.” The words floated out hauntingly. A pain rose inside her every time she sang it, an ache so deep it permeated every cell of her body, reminding her of Susan and the emptiness in her life without Susan.
My life was shadows
Afraid to feel the flame
Coldness numbed my heart
And no one was the blame.
I hid from love
Unsure of what to do
With all the pain inside
Until there was you.
At the beginning of the song, she walked down the stairs to find someone to sing to. On the aisle in the fourth row the woman who haunted her awaited. Susan.
Maggie stumbled over the words, unable to discern fantasy and reality. Fearing she was hallucinating, she leaned close and whispered, “Susan?”
“Hello, Maggie,” came the awkward reply. That wonderful voice filled Maggie with longing.
Taking Susan’s hand, Maggie gently walked her up to the stairs. For the first time in months, Maggie felt hope. Her heart recognized the love and desire for Susan. She knew she couldn’t lose her again.
Nodding to the band, Maggie began to sing again as they sat on the top step. Knees touching, Maggie looked into Susan’s beautiful shimmering eyes. She looked at Susan and continued singing.
You whispered my name
While chasing away the dark
I felt my life begin
When you captured my heart.
You reached deep inside me
And set me on fire
My soul set free
My passion driven even higher
Lay down beside me
Stay deep inside me
Maggie’s voice was husky and breathy, almost a whisper. Running a hand slowly down one thigh, Maggie leaned her head to one side, a long, low groan slowly slipping from her lips. She was one with the music. Susan felt the frost in her heart melting. Emotion was gaining some purchase in her life.
I built fences to keep
Anyone from getting near
I’ve been trapped
Inside my own chains of fear.
This is the road more traveled
With no one to guide me
The pain and want brought tears to Susan’s eyes. Tears rolled down her cheeks.
I am no longer alone
With you deep inside me.
Lay beside me,
Teach me how to live.
Let me dwell in the warmth of your love
I have so much to give.
With you deep inside me
My spirit can fly
There is nothing you ask
My heart won’t try
With you beside me;
So deep inside me.
The last line was breathy, softer, seductive, like the first calm breath after an orgasm. The music ended and seconds passed before the crowd responded. The audience was wild, demanding an encore.
Maggie hesitated. She looked into Susan’s eyes, questioning. She squeezed Susan’s hand, relishing the feel of the soft flesh. “I love you,” Maggie mouthed. A gentle nod and a smile from Susan and she agreed, reluctantly, to let go of Susan’s hand. Moving the microphone to ensure privacy, she asked, “Will you wait up here on the stage for me? Please?”
Susan agreed. Only Maggie filled the vacuum in her life. Without the vibrant, passionate Maggie, her life had returned to the calm, prosaic existence she had wanted. And now hated.
Holding to Susan with one hand, Maggie lifted the microphone with the other and hummed the opening chords of the next song. Her music oozed sexuality. For once, her words reflected the emotion filling her.
Susan felt herself falling headlong into the whirlwind. Maggie’s lar
ge hand came up, gently touching Susan’s face. Those glorious hands, Susan thought, as she leaned into the touch.
By the end of the song, the audience had been wrapped in a cocoon of sex and promise. They were insatiable. Maggie wanted only to be with Susan. After the second encore, she led Susan down to her dressing room.
“What are you doing here? How did… I have so many questions. Oh, God, I’m just glad to see you.” Maggie stopped. “I’m rambling. Let me shower and change clothes. Have breakfast with me.”
Before she could respond, Maggie shook her head. “Damn, I forgot. There’s a fund-raiser at the hotel. I’m sorry. I want so much to talk to you.” She laughed. “Alone. Would you mind joining me for a little while, and then I promise you I’ll be yours. We don’t leave town until day after tomorrow.” Not waiting for an answer, she kissed her and felt the heat of the touch. “God, I’ve missed you.”
Pushing back, Susan stared at the form-fitting jeans and bright red T-shirt. She looks great, Susan thought. The emotions running around inside her were dominated by one overwhelming feeling—being with Maggie. “I…I came here with a group of people from the Susan G. Komen fund-raiser. They’re expecting me to have breakfast with them. I can’t just walk out on them, but I definitely want to be with you.”
“Tell them I’ll take you back to the hotel, or to your house. Or wherever you want to go. Even better, invite them to join us.” Maggie took a deep breath and felt hope fill her lungs. “I’m having breakfast catered. We can get more food. It’s a fund-raiser for the Safehouse. We can call and get it arranged. Whatever it costs.”
“Let’s go ask.” Susan held out her hand.
The group from the GLBT center waited near the stage, surprised that one of their members had disappeared with M.J. Carson. Susan approached them, still holding Maggie’s hand. “Ms. Carson has invited us to join her at a fund-raiser breakfast for SafeHouse.” She turned back to Maggie and began to introduce each person.
“Hi, how are you?” Maggie put out her hand greeting each person. The M.J. Carson charm worked. “Susan has graciously agreed to join me for breakfast and I would like you to join us. Will you, please?”
The group eagerly accepted Maggie’s offer. After they received instructions to her hotel, the group left the arena. Susan had clearly gained new prominence in the eyes of the group. They were ecstatic to be spending time in the company of the well-known star.
Taking Susan’s hand, Maggie walked back to her dressing room. Maggie’s voice was low and Susan strained to listen. “I owe you an apology.”
The look on Maggie’s face revealed more than any words. Susan could see that this was probably the hardest thing she had ever done. She wanted to reach out and reassure Maggie, but she hesitated. What am I afraid of? I need to know she loves me and wants me as much as I do her.
Maggie struggled for a place to begin. “Thank you for being here. For agreeing to spend this time with me. I’ve always thought you were the braver and stronger one.”
And I always thought you the braver and stronger, Susan thought. She sat in a nearby chair.
“Susan, you walked into my crazy life, at times under duress, and loved me. For me.” She paused, closing her eyes, struggling. “Even from the first, I’ve not always been honest or loving. At times, I’ve been a bitch and didn’t even deserve your friendship.” Maggie finally opened her eyes, her expression pleading. “I know you told me you loved me, but I kept…I waited for you to want something…or to leave me. I didn’t trust your love because I didn’t trust that I was lovable. I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t want to ever see me. I want you to know that I…” She tried to speak but emotion took over.
Susan stared down at her hands. Her head and heart were again at war, but it was her heart that yelled louder. A hand resting on her knee forced her to look up.
Maggie knelt in front of Susan. She carefully searched her face, looking for any encouragement. “I have loved only one woman. In the last five years, I have been involved with one, and only one, woman. The only woman I ever want in my life. I love you. It’s stupid it should be so difficult for me to say that, but I do love you, only you.”
Maggie clasped Susan’s hand between hers. “Any plans, dreams, I have are about you, about us. You have the power to make me happy or destroy me. That scares the hell out of me. I am ashamed for the way I have treated you. I can’t forgive myself and I don’t expect you to forgive me. I don’t know if…”
Maggie stopped. She looked briefly for encouragement. “I don’t want to think of my life without you, but I…” She swallowed hard. “I will if that’s what you choose. I’m still learning about love. I don’t come with any guarantees, but I would like another chance.”
Maggie was only inches away, but it seemed like the Grand Canyon to Susan. She imagined life without her. It wasn’t hard. It was what she had been bemoaning for the last few months. Then she imagined life with Maggie. Chaotic, unpredictable, hills and valleys. And magic. Susan’s own bonds began to crumble.
Maggie pulled Susan up. They stood with their hands together briefly before Maggie spoke. “I love you, Susan Hettinger. With all that I am and ever hope to be, I love you. As much as I have fought commitment, I know one thing: I want you in my life. For the rest of my life. I want to wake up next to you and grow old with you. I want to watch our children grow up happier than we did. I want to play in the sunshine with you and hold hands under the stars. I want to watch lines settle around your beautiful eyes and hear you complain about getting old. I want to wake up next to you until it is time for me to go to sleep for the last time. And then I want to lie in your arms and know I have been loved. The thought of you leaving scares the hell out of me. The thought of never seeing you again is worse. I want to make our life work. Whatever it takes.”
Susan allowed her heart to speak. Suddenly she understood the depth of that word—magic. And the freedom. Maggie caressed the side of Susan’s face. Susan had such clarity and understanding, she wondered why it had taken so long. The night in Atlanta when Maggie sang to her. The time Maggie made in her chaotic day for the two of them. This woman had been saying “I love you” in the many little, and big, things she did. And I’ve been too deaf and blind to notice, or want to notice.
Susan lifted Maggie’s hands to her lips and kissed them. “Have I ever told you that it was your hands that I fell in love with first?”
Maggie shook her head.
“My precious Maggie. Right now, I’m not even sure who I am. And I’m afraid too. It took a while to figure out, but eventually I realized you are like my mother in many ways. I’ve struggled to be just the opposite. To have control, to be in control. And you…” Susan felt Maggie’s pulse racing. She pressed Maggie’s hand against her cheek. Maggie’s hand was trembling. She put her hand on top of Maggie’s.
Maggie couldn’t remember ever feeling this much joy. Her heart was going to float out of her body. She pulled Susan tight against her. “Yes, and me?”
Her touch, her voice, her hands, Susan thought. The passion, the gentleness, the playfulness, the friendship. There was so much about Maggie to love and so much yet to know. Susan acknowledged that Maggie had won her heart that night on the plane. And now she held Maggie’s heart in her hands. Staring into those wonderful eyes, she realized there was something magical about her, and she did not want to lose that. Maggie has forever changed my life and I don’t want to go back. I can’t go back.
“I love you,” Maggie said.
“I love you too.” Maggie had been saying that all along, and now Susan could hear it. I am just as big a risk for Maggie—me and my need for control. Her chaos, my control. We might be able to make it work. How nice!
I do believe in fairies!
Epilogue
Thanksgiving week, one year later
The lights dimmed and Maggie listened to her band play. Several bars into the opening number, the platform on which she stood slowly moved up, smoke and colored lights announci
ng her entrance. The crowd was wild. At last she was on stage. She sang and danced, happier than she had ever been.
“Thank you for being here tonight. Orlando always has such a great audience, and”—she looked down into the first row—“Orlando is my home because a certain woman in this town holds my heart.” The crowd roared. Not long after the Orlando concert, Maggie and Derek held a press conference to talk about their private lives and to publicly come out. It had been such a freeing experience Maggie could no longer remember why she hadn’t done it sooner. Derek, Paul, Maggie, and Susan were often seen together at a variety of events. All three children were happy in Florida, and Maggie and Susan were talking about more children.
The last year had been about growth…and love. For Maggie, the best part was the deepening love and strength she had found with Susan.
Looking out into the dark arena, she spoke. “One of the many things I learned from Susan is that part of loving someone is finding magic and holding on to it, believing in it. She was also the one to help me believe in magic. That magic is deep inside each of us, if we’re just lucky enough to find it.”
Susan sat where she did at every concert. She smiled. Maggie was her partner in every part of her life. She knew she had magic in her heart.
About the Author
C.J. Harte was born in New York but lived in many places courtesy of her father’s military career. When her family finally settled in the South, she decided to attend college in Florida, where she obtained her degrees as well as a significant Southern accent and a unrelenting sense of humor.
C.J. has been a political activist and a community organizer, and was involved in professional organizations while maintaining a full-time job in health care. She edited a women’s newspaper, wrote political editorials and satire, and was a speech writer for political candidates. She eventually climbed down the corporate ladder and moved out west. While she loves her day job, C.J.’s passion is her writing.