by Trina Solet
They needed to stop. They had to stop. But Diego wanted to forget everything and let this kiss go on and on, forever. It couldn't. Either it would lead to a lot more than kissing or it had to end. They pulled apart slowly, with low moans, and lingering touches.
With eyes hooded, flushed and breathing hard, Trevor looked so amazingly sexy. He was in danger of getting kissed again. Then Diego was reminded of why he needed to be more careful.
Rubbing his eyes, Jamie came out of Zane's room. He blinked at Trevor and Diego then ran over and threw himself into Diego's arms.
"Who's my little sleepy head? You ready to go to your own bed?" Diego asked and got up while holding him.
With Jamie's head resting on his shoulder, he headed for the door. Trevor handed him his shopping bags and gave Jamie a smile. He said, "good night" in a hushed voice, like he didn't want to wake up Jamie all the way. As Diego carried him, Jamie waved to Trevor. Just before he was out of sight, Diego looked back. After that kiss, he was just greedy for one more sight of Trevor.
Chapter 10
The reds and golds of the sunset were filtering through his windows that evening. Diego's arms were around him, their lips joined. And ever since then, Trevor felt like he was stuck in that moment, reliving it at unexpected moments, yearning for it to happen again.
After that kiss, Trevor's mind was a mess of confusion and unbearable longing. There had to be more behind a kiss that good. They couldn't leave it there, like some beautiful painting left unfinished.
But circumstances were against them, or they were against Trevor at least. He couldn't risk any kind of relationship now. His feelings for Diego were heating up at the worst possible time. He needed to stay focused on Zane. His work situation wasn't turning out the way he hoped. That's what he had to focus on – finding a better job and doing what was best for Zane.
Trevor was just coming back from a stroll with Zane when he saw Diego and Jamie in front of their apartment. They were there with a young woman and a little girl around the same age as Jamie. The woman left and the kids went inside. It seemed like Jamie and the little girl were bickering about something. Maybe that's why Jamie didn't notice Trevor and Zane. Diego did though. He waved to Zane in his stroller and came over to Trevor. Trying to tamp down that trill of excitement he felt on seeing Diego, Trevor pushed Zane's stroller and met him half way.
"Hello there, young man," Diego said, leaning down to greet Zane with a handshake. Zane grinned at him and kicked his feet. One of his Velcro toys came loose and Diego caught it before it fell. "Is this yours?" he asked Zane.
"Good save," Trevor told him.
Diego straightened. "I remember how Jamie used to be. It was a fun phase. He would drop something then start crying. I would give it back to him. He would drop it again and cry. I would give it back and so on and on."
Trevor laughed. "If I get to keep Zane, I promise not to mind whatever he puts me through."
"That's a devoted dad talking, not like me always bitching and moaning," Diego said to him.
Trevor liked being called a dad but he couldn't agree with the rest of it. "You're a great dad. Look at Jamie. He's such a fearless, confident kid. He didn't get that way without having a great dad."
"Jamie does me proud," Diego said with a beaming smile.
Diego was a happy dad and that's what Trevor wanted to be too. It was his dream.
"I guess Jamie has someone his own age to play with today," Trevor said.
"Play? If you want to call it that. That's Hannah, one of the kids from his daycare. On every playdate, she and Jamie circle each other like boxers until they find some new, thorny issue they can fight about. Then they fight about it until it's time for one of them to go home. Enjoy your boy while he still can't talk." Diego smiled down at Zane. "You think Zane wants a piece of that action? You can bring him over to play with some big kids."
"Might be fun," Trevor said though he was probably just hoping he would get to spend some time with Diego while the kids played. "I'll change him and come over."
"OK. I won't tell Jamie you're coming. Let's make it a surprise," Diego said and waved as he went in.
Trevor and Zane arrived at Diego's just in time to witness what Diego was talking about. Jamie and Hannah were sitting on the living room rug. Hannah was holding up a drawing that might have been a flower and saying, "A butterfly is not a bug."
So the drawing was probably supposed to be butterfly.
"It's a bug," Jamie insisted. "Butterflies have buggy legs." He demonstrated with creepy-crawly fingers and the little girl scowled.
"I think too many of his conversations revolve around bugs," Diego said as he stood with Trevor and Zane by the front door and looked on at the arguing kids.
"Get ready to own a pet tarantula," Trevor told him.
"Ugh." Diego made a face then he raised his voice to get the kids attention. "Look who's here, guys."
They both jumped up and came over.
"It's Zane!" Jamie said and he got him to start waving and saying hi.
Hannah was taken with him too. She even volunteered to carry him.
"You're not allowed," Jamie told her.
"Neither of you is allowed to try and lift Zane," Diego told them both.
"I'm just going to have him sit over here with you guys. How's that?" Trevor said as he made sure that there wasn't anything around that Zane shouldn't get his hands on.
"I'll clear out the toys that aren't safe for Zane," Diego told him then the two of them sat on the couch.
"Dad took the crayons because Zane would eat them," Jamie said to Hannah.
"I said he might eat them. Don't make Zane sound like some kind of crayon eating machine," Diego told him then turned to Trevor. "Speaking of Zane. Is he up for a snack?"
"He could eat," Trevor said and they both went to the kitchen. From there, Trevor kept a close eye on Zane.
"What do you think he would like?" Diego asked.
"Let's try some dry cereal. That way he won't get too messy," Trevor told him and Diego got out some Cheerios. "His appetite is all over the place. It drives me crazy how he loves something one-day and won't touch it the next." He did a quick rundown, "Yogurt, strawberries, peaches."
"Oh, peaches. You were right. I did get too many. Those peaches are so juicy, you have to mop the floor after you eat one. I'm going to have to push some on you." He got them before Trevor could refuse his offer. He brought out two big, beautiful peaches and put them in a bag for him.
"They were really good. Thank you," Trevor said as they went back to the living room.
"You guys want to help Zane eat some Cheerios?" Diego asked them.
They jumped at the offer then argued about who was going to hold the bowl with Cheerios.
"You can take turns," Trevor told them.
"She wants to play with Zane all the time," Jamie complained.
"She's not allowed to?" Trevor asked him while trying to keep all three kids from spilling the Cheerios.
"No, Zane is my buddy. I saw him first," Jamie said.
"You have dibs on Zane?" Trevor asked him.
"Yes," Jamie said with a nod.
Hannah disagreed. "You don't have dibs. You didn't say dibs."
Then they went back and forth on that issue for a while. They rolled from one argument to another until Hannah's mother came to pick her up.
"Their arguing stamina is impressive. I worry for their future married lives," Diego said while he and Trevor hung out in the kitchen and Jamie and Zane played on the living room floor.
"You were ready to get married, right?" Trevor said. He knew it was a tricky subject, but he was too curious about Diego's past to hold back.
"That seems like forever ago," Diego said with a sigh. "I thought we were about to start a new chapter of our lives together as parents, as husbands." He shook his head, his jaw tight.
"You're still hurting because of Simon," Trevor said.
Diego only nodded at first. When he spoke, he kept his voice low. "He d
umped me when we were just about to adopt Jamie. We had already met him. I was livid. Jamie was so young, he might not have understood who Simon was or who he was supposed to be to him. Henry wanted a couple to adopt Jamie. I was so scared he wouldn't let me adopt him without Simon. I would have been heartbroken. Just thinking of it..." Diego took a shaky breath. "I had faith in Simon when I shouldn't have. After that, I didn't think the risk was worth it. What if I got it wrong again? With Jamie in my life, there was too much at stake." Diego looked grim then his look changed as his gaze fell on the kids playing in the living room. "But I would be bad role model for Jamie if I gave up, wouldn't I?" Diego turned to smile at Trevor.
"Giving up doesn't seem like your style," Trevor told him.
"No, I just decided to be strict, not to compromise, not to get too deep when there was no future in it," Diego said and Trevor felt a pang in his chest, like he just heard a sharp warning that cut right across his heart. He looked hard at Diego. His gaze grew intense, focused on something far away. "I kept this image in my head of the next guy I wanted in my life. It wasn't about how he looked. I wanted a guy who knew what he wanted, someone with real strength of character."
As he listened to him, Trevor frowned. Who was this guy? Was he anything like him? Trevor doubted it. Diego didn't seem like a man who had found what he was looking for. He had the dark, brooding look of someone who was still searching.
Diego got a text and Trevor went over to the kids to check if Zane might need changing. Jamie was telling Zane about The Frogs Under the Drawbridge. He had the book memorized so it was almost like he was reading it. "Stick around, little froggy. The bridge goes up. The bridge goes down." The book seemed to be about teaching patience.
As he read a little bit of the book to the kids, Trevor noticed that Diego was frowning at his phone. He went over to him.
"I have to substitute for someone at a meeting tomorrow and do a presentation," Diego told him. "It's right after I pick up Jamie from daycare, but I don't have anyone to take him after that. The meeting shouldn't take long. I might end up taking him with me."
"I could watch him," Trevor volunteered. He felt he owed it to Diego.
"Watching two kids at once is fun," Diego said with a wry grin.
"I don't mind doing it. Lance managed it," Trevor pointed out.
"Jamie isn't usually too much trouble, but with kids you never know. Are you sure?" Diego said.
"It's no problem. Just drop him off," Trevor told him.
"Thanks. That would really help me out." Diego gave him a grateful smile, and Trevor noticed his deep voice and the bright look in his eyes. Why did his mind have to go there? He was just doing a small favor for him. There was no need to dwell on how good-looking he was, not after realizing that Diego didn't think of him as someone he could get serious about. From now on, Trevor had to think of him only as a friend. Most of all, he had to forget that kiss ever happened.
Diego went over to sit with Jamie and Zane on the floor. When Jamie came to sit closer to him with his book, Diego asked him, "How would you like Trevor to babysit you tomorrow after daycare?"
"I'm the babysitter," Jamie said.
"Who is?" Diego said and pretended to look around.
Jamie put his hands on Diego's face and made him turn to look at him. "Me. Jamie," he said and pointed at himself. "I want to babysit Zane."
"Let's do it this way. You babysit Zane and Trevor will babysit you," Diego said.
Jamie agreed. "OK."
Trevor looked between them and wondered if he would have to use that kind of roundabout logic on Zane one day. First he had to make sure he got to keep the little guy.
He went over and sat down with them. As soon as he did, Zane went into attack mode and started climbing all over him. He poked at the buttons on Trevor's shirt and then pinched his nose.
Jamie looked up at Diego then reached out and pinched his nose too. Then they got into a nose pinching contest that ended in tickling and Jamie dissolving into giggles.
"I won that," Diego claimed.
"You cheated," Jamie said.
The next day, when Diego brought Jamie over, Trevor opened the door to find Diego wearing a suit and tie again, and looking incredibly handsome and kind of intimidating. Next to him Jamie was jumping up and down on the doormat excitedly.
"I made up a song about Zane. Zane, Zane, Zane. Yeah Zane." Jamie yelled out his name tunelessly in the same way a few more times then looked at Diego and Trevor expectantly.
"I guess this is where the audience jumps to their feet and burst into cheers and applause, maybe hold up some lighters," Diego said then he ruffled Jamie's hair and said, "Great song. Zane will love it." And for all they knew, Zane would love it. "You'll be good for Trevor, right?"
"Yes."
"You're my good boy," Diego said and kissed him on the cheek noisily.
"Do a good job at work, Dad," Jamie told him.
Giving Trevor a warm smile, Diego told him, "Thanks for doing this. Call me if you need anything."
"No problem. The three of us are going to have fun," Trevor said and took Jamie's hand. Together, they waved goodbye to Diego from the doorstep then went in. "We'll start by having Zane listen to that song."
Jamie was excited, and as always, Zane was happy to see him. Today he was very interested in his t-shirt which had a tic tac toe design on the front. Zane kept poking at the x's.
"He likes my shirt," Jamie said. Zane also liked his song.
Trevor sat on the floor with Zane and held him in his lap. "Let's teach Zane to clap," Trevor said. Once they got him started clapping along to the song, Zane was a clapping machine. His clapping and Jamie's singing didn't sync up, but they were both happy as long as they got to make noise.
As he played with the kids, Trevor found himself thinking back to what Diego looked like in a suit. It made him realize that there was another side to him. He seemed so laid-back, but he was actually a serious person. That scared him. Diego was serious. He just wasn't serious about him.
At one time, Trevor had hoped that his own infatuation would hit a wall with Diego. To a guy like him, a little flirtation and a kiss or two were no big deal. Diego wasn't the kind of guy to take that kind of thing too seriously. Trevor wasn't relieved when he got his wish and he hit that wall. It hurt like hell to find out that he didn't stand a chance with Diego.
Hearing Diego speak about the next guy in his life made that clear to him. That's when he felt like someone slashed at his heart. At that moment, Trevor knew that he had only glimpsed Diego's true intensity up until now. The look in his eyes was heated but so far away, a clear warning. His ideal man wasn't anywhere in sight, and until he came, Diego had little use for any lesser men.
He wasn't someone to play around with unless Trevor wanted his heart cut open. He might joke around and flirt with Trevor, but Diego's own heart was locked away, saved only for the right man. And here was Trevor, too young, too preoccupied with his own issues and struggling to make ends meet. He wasn't the right one and he knew it.
With a stab of pain and regret, he realized how stupid he had been. He had been secretly hoping for something he told himself he didn't want. What an idiot.
When it was time for Zane to eat, he sat in his highchair and Jamie sat across from him. Trevor had baked a big sweet potato and split it between them.
"You're not going to smush it?" he asked seeing Trevor give some cubes of sweet potato to each of them.
"It's soft so it's OK. You want to help him eat the sweet potato?" Trevor asked.
Jamie handed pieces of sweet potato to Zane and encouraged him to eat. "He's messy," he said after Zane got sweet potatoes everywhere but in his mouth.
"He's still learning," Trevor said as he wiped Zane's face.
"You're clean now," Jamie said to Zane who grinned.
Watching them together, Trevor was always amazed. Diego had raised such a good kid.
"I'll make the two of us some grilled cheese sandwiches, and we'll s
how Zane how grown-ups eat," Trevor said.
Jamie helped him get the cheese and bread then pulled a chair closer to the stove for a better view. Kneeling backwards on the chair, Jamie watched Trevor work and did a play by play for Zane's benefit.
They cut a few small pieces of grilled cheese sandwich for Jamie too. "That's so he can practice."
Zane got them into his mouth then he kind of chewed them but mostly he looked at Trevor and Jamie curiously as they ate.
There was a little time left before Zane's nap. Trevor cleaned up in the kitchen while the kids played with Zane's favorite toy, a stuffed alligator. Jamie kept saying "alligator" over and over again, but Zane only went, "Dadadadada."
Jamie shook his head. "He doesn't get it. He only knows your name."
"My name?" Trevor said.
"Dadadada," Jamie repeated. "That's how babies call their dads."
"I'm not a dad yet, but I hope to be," Trevor told him.
By his naptime, Zane was a little overtired and grouchy. Trevor walked him around while he cried on and off.
"Oh, no. Zane is sad," Jamie said while waving the alligator.
"He's just a cranky boy who needs his nap." Trevor rubbed Zane's back trying to soothe him. "Who's my zany boy," he murmured and hugged him tighter.
Zane quieted and rested his head on his shoulder. In the mirror hanging by the front door, Trevor could see him looking mournful then sleepy. Zane closed his eyes and started to breathe evenly.
Seeing that Zane was falling asleep, Jamie put his finger to his mouth and held his breath, not wanting to disturb him. He only relaxed once Trevor had Zane in his crib.
"We did it," Trevor said to Jamie as he went back into the living room. He raised his hand for a high five at Jamie's level. "Now we can eat gummy bears and Zane won't get jealous." Trevor went to the kitchen to get them.
"Gummy bears?" Jamie said eagerly.
"You like them?"
Jamie nodded.
"They're my favorite because my aunt used to bring them for me when she visited me, before I went to live with her." Trevor remembered how much he looked forward to her visits. While he was in foster care, he didn't know he would one day be living with her. Every minute of her visits was precious to him as well as every single gummy bear, even the green ones.