by Pizzi, Jenna
“Oh my God! Where do they all live? Are they close by?”
“I have two sisters in Massachusetts. I have two other sisters who live in New York and two brothers, one in Arizona and the other in Oregon.”
“What about your parents? Are they still alive?”
“Oh yeah. Happily married for forty-six years. They own a home in Florida, right near Disney. They bought an RV and they spend a lot of time travelling between the kids and grandkids.”
“Sounds like an amazing family. I hope to meet them all someday.”
He opened up the morning paper and the entire Arts and Entertainment section was plastered with details and pictures of last night’s gallery opening. He folded back the page and showed Rebecca the embrace the two had shared in public.
“I have a feeling you’ll be meeting them sooner than later. There is no way any of them would miss this.”
“Why didn’t they come to the opening of your gallery?”
“I told them not to make a fuss out of it, not unless it turns into a success. I’m the youngest boy of the family, so that makes me the ultimate dreamer. They never thought my art would be a means to and end for a career. They also never thought I’d ever settle down.”
He realized what he had just said to her and hoped it wouldn’t shut her down.
“Settling down, huh?” She leaned over and kissed him. “Is that what we’re doing?”
He pulled back and searched her eyes.
“What if I said yes? What if I told you that I can see myself waking up to you every day, and falling asleep next to you every night? Would that scare you off?”
“Ethan, I had a month without you. In that month, I realized that the last seventeen years of my life were empty. Jack and I had no chemistry, certainly not anything remotely close to what this is. A part of me will care for him because of what we shared, but I was too young and desperate for a family. But you, you woke me up from a slumber that had become my very existence. I thought I was broken. I thought I’d never be able to love anyone the way I have heard others talk about it. I thought there was something wrong with me. I believe that’s where all my conflict came from. I guess I didn’t feel as though I’d ever deserve to feel this kind of happiness, but you knew. You knew right from the very beginning. I don’t know how, but I am so grateful you did, and I am so grateful that you didn’t give up on me in the meantime.”
“Do you really think you are that easy to let go of? I told you from that first encounter that I’d give you all the space in the world just as long as I knew in the end, there would be a new beginning. You just needed to heal.” He rubbed his thumb across her cheek. “You did. You are on your way, anyway. You’ve had to overcome more than anyone should have to encounter at your age. The loss of a child is not something easy to get over. No parent is meant to outlive their child.”
Rebecca began to fill up with tears. Ethan ran his thumb across her cheek.
“Cry it out, Becca. Just know that Brian is still with you and he always will be. You are an incredible mother and he knows he was loved.”
“How do you know that, though? How were you able to capture that painting downstairs, the one with Riley, Adam, me and Brian as an angel? I did take the kids to a field for a picnic. That painting was a true image. It was one of my memories.”
“It’s just this thing I can do. I get these sorts of impressions or feelings. Sometimes they come as images. I just saw you, and I saw him watching over you to let you know that it was nobody’s fault. He knew he shouldn’t have been in the window, but he thought if he could hide long enough from Adam, then Adam would be proud of him.”
Rebecca covered her face with her hands. Ethan walked up to her.
“You will grieve in your own way for as long as it takes. Just know that he will always be your little guardian angel.”
She clung onto Ethan and buried her head into his shoulder. He held her unmoving until the last tear fell.
Ethan had to go down to the gallery to check on last night’s mess. He kissed Rebecca goodbye and told her he’d meet her later at her house with a surprise for dinner. As he walked away, every part of her wanted to pull him back inside. Instead, she meandered around the loft and peered out the window that overlooked Court Street. People were roaming around, shopping, eating, and just enjoying the warm September day.
Rebecca stood in Ethan’s bedroom holding her dress in her hands. She suddenly realized that she had no appropriate clothing to wear out of Ethan’s loft. It would really be a walk of shame if she had to stroll down the street wearing it. A gentle knock sounded on Ethan’s door and she hesitantly opened it. Tasha stood on the other side and handed her a bag with a pair of denim Capri pants and a fitted, purple t-shirt.
“You are a godsend, Tasha,” Rebecca told her as she grabbed the bag from her hands. She turned and walked back toward the bedroom. Tasha followed her with a wide, toothed grin on her face.
“Don’t sweat it, Sugar. I just didn’t want to go out with you in an evening gown.” She walked into the loft and casually looked around. “So this is where all the magic happens.” She caught herself giggling. “The painting and the sex.”
Rebecca cracked up laughing at her blasé comment.
“Yeah, you could say that. I swear to God, Tasha, he has an amazing gift. I swear he is psychic or something.”
“He is,” Tasha responded nonchalantly. “Well, I guess the term is he is a medium. He doesn’t go and do readings or anything. I think he just channels it through his artwork. Micah told me all about it.”
“Wow! I don’t know what to make of all this new-age stuff.”
“Well, I go for a P.E.T scan on Monday, and we’ll just see what it has to say.”
“Really, even though you haven’t been doing radiation or chemo?”
“If this method is working, then why would I want to pump my body full of toxic chemicals? If there has been no change at all, then I’ll consider other options, but you know what? If my time is limited, I don’t want to spend it sick and bald. I want to go out with Micah wrapped around me. I want to be remembered for my liveliness and my sexiness.”
“Oh, Tasha.” She ran and hugged her.
“Don’t you dare get all slobbery on me. Go get dressed so we can be seen out in public.”
Rebecca hurried and slipped on the clothes that Tasha brought her. She carefully folded her dress into the bag that Tasha brought and walked back out into the main loft area. Tasha was snooping through Ethan’s things —his magazine selections and his mail. Rebecca cleared her throat to get Tasha’s attention. She looked at her and shrugged her shoulder.
“Don’t give me that look. How are you going to get to know all the dirty deets if you don’t do a little snooping?”
“I don’t need to. If there is something I need to know, I’ll ask him. Come on and let’s get some food.”
The three friends laughed and gossiped about the night before while they shared an overflowing dish of cheesy hash brown and an omelet the size of a football. Emily couldn’t get the food in her mouth fast enough.
“Oh God, it tastes heavenly.”
They all laughed.
“Hey Emily, I hate to say these words out loud, but when you stuff your mouth like that, you are usually pregnant.”
Emily spit out her food, and she looked crookedly at her friends.
“I love you guys, but I swear to God that I don’t want to hear those words come out of your mouths ever again. I don’t want another baby. I have one already and a three-year-old. I don’t have time for another one. It would so not be funny.”
“Well, you are better to get it all out of the way now,” Rebecca told her.
“Oh yeah, well, have you even bothered to ask your new man if he sees children of his own in his future? He is a few years younger than us, and well…you’re biological clock won’t be ticking for too much longer.”
Tasha shot Emily a nasty look.
“That’s sort of a low blow.
Holy crap, Em. You are a little moody.”
“I’m hung over and stressed out. Do I need to say anymore? I’m serious, though. Now that you’ve declared your feelings for one another, what next?”
Rebecca thought about it.
“Well, I guess my kids need to get used to the idea of us being a couple. Riley won’t have any problems with him at all, and let’s face it she’ll be going to college next year. But, Adam is going to be a problem. He’s just so angry about everything.”
“Well, Ethan is charming and young, so he should be able to win him over.”
“Did I mention he has fourteen nieces and nephews?” Rebecca told her friends.
“Wow!” They said in unison.
“That kind of goes back to my original question, Becca. What if he wants kids of his own?”
Rebecca paused and thought about it.
“I don’t think I’d want to go through it all again. My kids are grown now.”
“Well, I hope it won’t end up being a deal breaker with him,” Emily commented as she stuffed another bite of omelet in her mouth.
Rebecca sat silently while her friends finished their lunch. Emily put her fork on her dish and glanced at her watch. She then tossed some money on the table and said goodbye to her friends as she hustled back across the street to her shop and got ready for her interviewee.
Tasha stared at Rebecca and cracked up laughing.
“I’d bet you ten bucks that girl finds out that she is preggo. She only acts this bitchy when there is a baby on board.”
Rebecca pushed her dish aside and crossed her arms.
“I don’t envy her then.”
“I hate to give credence to what she has to say, but she does have a point. What if Ethan wants a family of his own? When is the right time to discuss it? Life is short, baby girl, and if he’s seeing a different future than you, then I think you should talk it out before you’re too vested in whatever it is you have with him.”
“I don’t agree with you. He knows that I already have kids. We haven’t exactly talked about the future.” She quietly looked down and blushed. “We don’t exactly do too much talking.”
Tasha nearly choked on her coffee. She hurriedly put her mug on the table and wiped her mouth.
“Now, that’s my type of relationship.”
“I guess we just haven’t worked beyond the sneaking around part yet. That’s what we have decided to work on. When the kids come home tomorrow, Ethan is going to be there, too. The game plan is to ease him into the kids’ lives.”
Tasha shook her head.
“Kids are kids. They may love it or hate the idea of their mom dating someone new. Ashlee still gets weirded out when she sees me kissing someone.”
“See? That’s what I don’t want. Families come in all different shapes. I mean this is 2013. People remarry. People move on, right? Isn’t that the whole point of all of this?”
“Yes, sweetie. Life moves on whether you are ready or not. Just be prepared for any curve balls along the way.”
Rebecca began to giggle.
“Now you sound like you belong in a new age shop. Micah seems to suit you well?”
“He does. He is a godsend. I only wish I had discovered him sooner. I hate the thoughts of knowing it could all be for nothing, but I have learned to live with today and not focus too much on past regrets or an unsure future. Life is about the here and now.”
Rebecca grabbed her best friends hand and squeezed it.
“I really do love you, Tasha. You really know how to say it like it is.”
Tasha winked and threw her other hand on top of Rebecca’s hand.
“Someone has to, right? I mean, what would life be like if someone didn’t push a little? You’d never be sitting here talking babies with another man if I didn’t open up my mouth.”
“I know,” Rebecca responded. “I owe you for being persistent with Ethan. I never would have given him a chance. I was so scared.”
“That’s what you have girlfriends for. We know what’s good for you. Jack wasn’t. Ethan is. I guess you had to live and learn from Jack in order to get to Ethan.”
“Listen to you,” Rebecca teased.
“I’m serious. If Jack hadn’t been out screwing around, we wouldn’t have been out that night. Although, if it was fate, you would have met him anyway, it was just a matter of timing. You needed to get out of your unhappy marriage first.”
Rebecca sat back and thought about what Tasha was telling her. She realized it was all true. If she were still unhappily married, she would never consider talking to Ethan. She always took her vows seriously. She never would have cheated. That’s why she ran away when she first met Ethan. It was the first time in her marriage that the thought even ran across her mind. She felt drawn to Ethan from the very first moment.”
“Earth to Becca, are you still with me?” Tasha teased.
“I was just thinking.”
“I asked, are you going to tell Jack in person or are you going to let him read about your romance in the paper?”
“Oh God, I haven’t even thought about that. He has Adam with him. Hopefully they haven’t read the paper yet. Maybe I should go talk to him.”
“If you do, be careful. I saw how he was at the cookout. He’s not going to be receptive to you starting over with someone else.”
Rebecca watched as Tasha drove out of the parking lot. She pulled out her cellphone and dialed Jack’s number. He didn’t answer, so she left a message.
“Hi Jack, it’s me. I need to talk to you, so if you could call me back, I’d appreciate it.” She hung up the phone and tucked it back in her pocket.
She wasn’t quite ready to go home yet. It felt empty there with no one home, and Ethan wouldn’t be there until dinnertime. She drove down Summer Street and found herself pulling into the cemetery where Brian was buried. She sat in her car for a while, lost in her thoughts. She hadn’t been to his grave in a while, and she felt guilty for it. It just hurt too much to look at his gravestone and realize that her baby was gone.
She heard a tap on her window and realized she had fallen asleep in the car. Startled, she shook her head and saw Jack standing outside her car. She opened the car door and stepped out.
“Jack? How’d you know where to find me?” She asked him with a skeptical look on her face.
“I stopped by the house first and on the way back, I noticed your car from the road. What are you doing, Becky?”
“I just needed to feel close to him.”
Jack reached out and hugged her.
“I know, Becky. I think about him every single day. I look at Adam and wonder if Brian would look like him.”
Rebecca broke down in tears.
“I couldn’t get myself to get out of the car to go to his grave.”
He rubbed her shoulder.
“My therapist told me that it’s normal to feel that way. When we are ready to say goodbye, we’ll know it’s time.”
She didn’t bother to look at him as she spoke.
“I’m ready to say goodbye.”
Jack’s hand fell from her shoulder.
“You are?” It was more of a question than a statement.
“It’s time, Jack. It’s time to put the past in the past and move on. Brian would want us to.”
Jack was unmoving. He looked at Rebecca and noticed that she seemed changed. He had watched her transformation for a while. She seemed to be blossoming into a beautiful flower. His heart ached. He knew he had screwed up. He always knew she was too good for him. He never told her how much he really loved her. He couldn’t see beyond worrying that she’d leave him. He treated her poorly; he never appreciated all that she did. He never encouraged her to discover herself or her talent of writing books.
He walked beside her as they made their way to Brian’s grave. He knew why she was ready to let go. He had seen the morning paper. He saw her kissing someone else. He also had never seen her look so happy. He knew he had no right to try to hold onto
the past. He knew he had to let her go so she could move on.
They stopped in front of Brian’s gravestone. The grass was trimmed and there were fresh flowers sitting on the grave. Rebecca looked at Jack and he shrugged his shoulders.
“They are not from me,.” he told her.
Rebecca fell to her knees at the grave. She noticed little buttons that said “Little Brother” on them. The kids, Riley and Adam, had been coming to Brian’s grave. She felt her heart flutter. Her children were a lot stronger than she was.
Rebecca sat staring at the head stone. She thought about what she wanted to say.
“I love you, Brian. I called you my little angel long before you were even born, and I know you still are. You will always hold a place in my heart, and I will cherish every memory I have of you.” She suddenly felt a warm breeze cross through her. She wrapped her arms around herself and smiled. “I can feel him. I can smell him. He just told me goodbye.”
Jack collapsed to the ground beside her and tears rolled down his cheek.
“I felt it, too.”
They sat in silence as they allowed themselves to digest the emotions they were feeling.
Jack finally looked at Rebecca and said, “Rebecca, I’m sorry I was such a bad husband.”
She looked at him with a sympathetic smile.
“Jack, we don’t have to do this now.”
“Yes we do.” He looked down at the ground. He didn’t want to see the expression in her eyes when he told her goodbye.
“There are so many things I wish now that I had done differently. First, I wish I had told you how much I really do love you. I should have done more for you.”
“Jack, please,” she tried to cut him off.
“No, Becky. Please let me finish. I do love you. I love you enough to let you go.”
She looked at him as tears welled in her eyes.
“Please don’t, Becky. I was selfish. I screwed up our marriage, you didn’t. I’ve watched you change this past summer. You’ve blossomed, grown. You are radiant and happy. I want you to be happy, Becky. It’s what you deserve, even if it’s not with me.”
“Oh, Jack!”