Her heart leaped, and for a moment, she thought he was starting to apologize. Then she realized he was referring to their golden retriever.
“The boys were so upset when they lost Honey that I knew I had to wait.”
“So now you’re ready to leave us?” she asked, wondering what had happened to the man she’d thought she knew, the man she’d thought she could trust, the man she’d thought would never hurt her.
“We better get going,” he said. “Lean on me if your leg hurts.”
“Not as bad as my heart.” She let him help her up, wondering which Gabriel Rose was the one she’d known all those years—the man who’d gently cared for her or the one who’d cruelly discarded her. She looked at him, now a stranger whose body had been entwined with someone else’s, and wept.
They went back to the car and proceeded down the freeway.
Suddenly, a Hummer almost plowed into them. Gabe blasted the horn.
“It’s amazing how we think we’re in control,” she said, more to herself than Gabe. “Now, like that car that almost hit us, another woman is in control and destroying my life, my family, my whole world.”
“Alex, I told you, I’ll still provide for the family.”
He turned up the CD, but it didn’t drown out the angry voice thundering in her head. She wondered how he could callously move the eraser back and forth across their life, ending it so easily. She prayed for numbness, numbness enough to stop worrying about the boys and numbness to stop loving Gabe.
As they approached Peggy Sue’s Diner, ten miles out of Barstow, Gabe asked, “Wanna stop for a bite?”
“The hospital problem?” she asked, falling back into believing him.
“None. I couldn’t continue pretending, and I thought it would be better to tell you alone, away from the boys.”
Certain it was Linda who’d texted him about returning to the hospital, she imagined Gabe and Linda plotting, rehearsing his announcement for weeks, maybe months.
“I want to go home to my boys,” she demanded.
“Your boys.” He smirked.
Hot tears spilling down her face, she took off her wedding ring. Through her tears, she saw the white band of skin circling her finger.
Maybe what she’d called love was, in reality, only a familiarity that came from seeing each other day in, day out. Maybe what she'd thought was intimacy was just habit.
CHAPTER 4
As Gabe started to pull into their circular driveway, Alex froze. Plagued by horrific images whirling in her head, she felt an eerie disconnect with all that was familiar to her. Her hopes and dreams shattered, she no longer felt safe or anchored to the world. She pulled down the visor, flipped back the mirror, and looked at herself, wondering who she was now that she was no longer a wife, and a wife was who she was to her core. But she reminded herself, she was also a mother and had to protect her children.
She couldn’t let the boys know how frightened she was. She had to be strong, hide her terror. Yes, she was familiar, all too familiar with hiding fears. As a little girl, she’d learned the only way to survive was by suppressing emotions. She kept her family secrets tightly guarded.
She touched the scar on her wrist—an accident according to her mother. Alex had never told anyone except Gabe about that scar. Only he knew all of her secrets and had promised their family would be different. But now, her home was filled with secrets, just like her childhood home.
She stared at the perfectly manicured lawn, the colorful flowerbed, and the inviting double doors. The house suddenly seemed as though it belonged to another family, a loving, happy family. She wondered how she was going to tell the boys, protect them, make sure their lives wouldn’t be affected. She shivered. How could this not affect them?
Their three sons rushed out to the car with Mrs. Davis, the babysitter, trailing behind.
“How were my boys?” Alex asked and swooped Jon up in her arms. After she gave him a big kiss, she put him down and hugged Daniel, then Eric.
Mrs. Davis tousled Jon’s curly hair. “Jon’s smart as a whip, and Daniel’s so helpful.”
“Thank you.” Alex reached into her purse to pay the babysitter, wondering why she hadn’t said anything about Eric. Recently, he’d started to test Alex, but he was always respectful to other adults.
Jon wrapped his arms around his mother’s legs. “Do I get a present on account of the babysitter told me I was the bestest boy?”
Too choked up to speak, Alex patted Jon’s back.
Gabe opened the trunk of the car and reached in for their suitcases. “Maybe there’s a present in these,” he said just as his cell buzzed. “I’ve just got to take this call, then I’ll bring the luggage in.”
Baseball cap on backwards, Daniel patted his little brother’s head. “He was a good boy and slept in the tent we made in his room.”
“I wasn’t going to have him in our room.” Eric put his hands on his hips and looked at Alex. “And when am I getting my own room?”
“Already asked and answered,” Daniel said.
“I thought you were running for president of the freshman class of Brea Junior High, not the Supreme Court.” Eric smirked.
“Supreme Court justices are nominated, not elected,” Daniel corrected.
“Big deal,” Eric said. “Maybe if you spent more time practicing football instead of studying about the boring Supreme Court, the coach wouldn’t have you sit out so much.”
“Boys, you’re all good at different things, and that’s what makes you special,” she said.
“Mommy, I thought I was the specialist.” Jon looked up at her with his big brown eyes.
“I love all my wonderful boys.” Alex pulled her three boys close to her, clutching them more tightly than ever before and wondering how she was going to tell them everything they knew and trusted was about to change.
Somberly, Alex walked up the long, flower-edged pathway to the front door. Unwilling to bring Gabe’s impending destruction of their beautiful family into their home, she hesitated before opening the door.
When she and the boys walked into the house, their footsteps echoed on the black marble entryway, and the house felt oddly unfamiliar, suddenly void of the warmth that had been home. Honey’s absence now more poignant than ever, Alex paused and looked at the living room. The L-shaped beige suede couch, the red leather chair, and the soft beige carpeting all seemed cold and sterile—no longer inviting.
Gabe tossed their bags onto the hallway floor. “Boys, come give me a big hug.”
The children ran to him.
As Gabe swallowed them up in his arms, Alex’s heart ached. She longed to be part of that embrace. Then she saw Gabe glance up and look at her. He seemed sad, as though painfully projecting the future, the end of the family.
She watched as Jon, already in his chicken-yellow sleeper, snuggled into his dad. As Gabe kissed Jon’s little face, framed by a mass of brown Harpo Marx curls, Alex’s chest tightened. She knew how much Jon, and all the boys, for that matter, needed their father.
Jon gripped his teddy bear with the missing right ear and pointed to the stuffing spilling out from the seam. “Teddy’s tummy got brokened.”
“Poor Teddy.” Gabe kissed the bear.
Nearly as tall as his father, Eric scowled. “You guys missed my best kick at the scrimmage.”
Daniel draped his arm around Eric. “When the football game was over, the guys carried him around the field. It was so cool.”
“And they missed it,” Eric said. Although he seemed to want his parents to watch his games, he’d grimace whenever Alex or Gabe cheered loudly.
“I’m so sorry we couldn’t watch your game,” Alex said.
Eric glared at her. “Mom, why did you have to go away this weekend?”
“We planned it months ago,” she said, tripping on the “we.”
&n
bsp; Eric turned away from her. Then he and his brothers followed Gabe into the kitchen.
She knew Eric was angry with her for arranging the weekend, but he never seemed annoyed with Gabe. He accepted the consequences of Gabe’s grueling work schedule, but he didn’t tolerate the same from her. She fought back tears and tried to compose herself before joining the family in the kitchen.
Jon held his bear out to Gabe. “Daddy, what about Teddy?”
“Go upstairs and get Mommy’s sewing box. We’ll do an operation,” Gabe said and offered to hold the bear.
Jon pressed the bear to his chest and carried it up the stairs.
While Gabe cleared the kitchen table for bear surgery, Alex tried to stay calm. She had to pretend this was an ordinary night just like any other, at least until the boys went to bed. “I’m going to make dinner,” she said.
Daniel turned his cap around. “I’ll help you make a family dinner.”
“Family dinner,” Alex repeated, trying to steady her shaking hands.
Holding Alex’s red sewing box in both hands and balancing the bear on top of the box, Jon returned to the kitchen.
Gabe took the bear and placed it on the table, belly up. Then he reached into his pocket for his handkerchief, looked down at Alex’s ankle, apparently realizing he’d used it to wrap her ankle. He turned to Eric, “Please go upstairs to my bureau drawer and bring down a handkerchief.”
When Eric returned, Gabe took the starched white handkerchief and handed it to Jon. “Dr. Jonathan Rose, please apply the anesthesia.”
Jon took the handkerchief and placed it over the bear’s snout.
“Now, secure your patient’s hands.”
“Daddy, a bear has paws, not hands.” Jon tightened his grip on the bear’s outstretched fluffy limbs.
“You’re right. I’m just a heart doctor, but you’re a veterinarian.” Gabe laughed.
“Daddy, you can fix everyone, can’t you?” Jon asked.
At the irony of that, Alex’s chest tightened. She turned away, pulled the spaghetti pot from the cupboard, and sent water gushing into it.
Needle threaded, Gabe placed one surgical stitch, knotted it, and looped another stitch. He repeated the process until the bear’s belly was sutured.
“Teddy’s gonna be fine.” Gabe kissed the bear and handed it to Jon.
“Did you guys win in Las Vegas?” Daniel asked.
“I lost everything,” Alex said, bursting into tears.
The boys froze.
Eric looked at Gabe. Jon and Daniel gaped at her.
Alex knew they were frightened by her tears, but she couldn’t stop crying. She hurried out of the kitchen and ran up the stairs, so the boys wouldn’t see how upset she was.
From the upstairs hallway, Alex heard Gabe tell the boys, “Mommy’ll be fine. She just hurt her leg on a cactus.”
She walked into their bedroom and stopped. There was a beautiful crystal vase with a dozen roses on top of her dresser. She gasped. Why now? What could this mean?
Every year since they’d been married, Gabe had sent her a dozen red roses on their anniversary. Grabbing the card, she reassured herself there might be a possibility for a reconciliation. True, Gabe had said he wanted a divorce, and it would take time for her to get over his affair, but despite her pain, she was still in love with him.
She read the card:
To my wife,
I love you.
Yours forever,
Gabe
Alex thought, no she hoped, Gabe had changed his mind about leaving. Had he telephoned the florist when she’d gone to the restroom at the gas station? This was too good to be true. A second chance was all she wished for. Then she read the note again. Was she losing it? What was Gabe trying to do her? Clutching the vase, she ran downstairs
Gabe looked at her and shook his head. “Jeeze, I’m so sorry. I forgot to cancel.”
“Forgot?” she screamed. “Did you forget you just ruined my life?”
“Calm down.” He reached for the vase.
Daniel stepped between them. “Mrs. Davis told me to take it upstairs and put it in your bedroom so you’d be surprised.”
“Oh, I was.” She slammed the vase onto the kitchen table.
It splintered into pieces, just like the glass Gabe had stomped on at their wedding. The broken glass, a symbol of the fragility of marriage in traditional Jewish wedding ceremonies, was now more poignant than ever.
A shard of glass hit Eric’s cheek. He shrieked in pain, looked at his father, and then glared at his mother.
“What the hell are you doing?” Gabe pulled Eric to him, grabbed his handkerchief, and held it over his son’s cheek.
“Mommy,” Jon shrieked. “Don’t you love Eric?”
“I love all my boys, but I’ve got to go upstairs.”
“I’m scared.” Jon held onto her leg and tried to stop her from going upstairs. He started to cry.
Gabe motioned for Alex to leave. “Mommy’s just a little upset right now,” he said.
“Fuck you,” she screamed and rushed out of the kitchen. She rushed back upstairs, slammed the bedroom door, and got under the covers. Images of Gabriel flooded her mind. Their journey from college sweethearts to bride and groom had been magical, or so she’d thought until now. She’d never imagined their path would lead to this.
As she listened to the sounds of Gabe serving dinner, she knew she couldn’t face the boys tonight. If she went downstairs, Daniel would put his arms around her and say, “Don’t cry,” and that would make her cry even more. Eric would look at her, turn to Gabe, watch his father’s face for a reaction, and then mimic whatever he saw. But Jon, too young to understand the polarization of the family, would say, “I love you, Mommy,” thinking that would make everything all right.
Reflexively, she reached across the bed for her beloved golden retriever, but Honey, too, was gone. She got up, walked over to the bureau, and with a sadness that took her breath away, she touched their wedding picture. Then her trembling fingers traced the other picture of their three smiling children. She reminded herself she was still their mother, and no one could take them away. No, she wasn’t going to let the divorce harm her children.
She picked up the telephone to call Liz, her best friend and confidante. But distraught as she was, she knew she’d be incoherent and would melt into tears. She didn’t want Gabe to hear her cry. Weakness allowed people to take advantage. She’d learned that long ago and knew the dangers.
Alex listened as Gabe instructed the older boys to shut off their lights in an hour. Then she heard Gabe reassure Jon that everything was fine. Nothing would ever be fine again, she thought and cried, praying for sleep.
A few minutes after she’d drifted off, she felt Gabe slip into bed beside her. Naked, he pulled her to him. “I love you,” he whispered.
They kissed.
She moved close and touched his face, tentatively at first.
He smiled and then kissed her—a sweet, passionate kiss. “You know how I love when you climb on top of me,” he said.
With renewed enthusiasm, she straddled him.
He traced his finger along her face, her neck, and then caressed her breasts.
She leaned toward him, and he suckled her breasts, making her nipples hard. Then she lifted her hips just enough for him to insert his erect penis into her. She moaned.
“I have to have you,” he said.
They moved together, and she came.
“You having a nightmare or something?” Gabe called from the doorway, jolting her awake. She reached out to his side of the bed. The sheets were cold. She sobbed. Her mind should have been protectively insulating her from Gabe, but, instead, it had returned her to him with a dream so real she’d been certain she felt him. But it was a dream that would never come true.
“I didn�
��t mean to wake you, but I need my surgical scrubs for tomorrow.”
“Why the hell didn’t you take them out of the bedroom before we left?” she asked. “You knew you were going to tell me this weekend.”
“Alex, I guess I just didn’t know how it was going to go, and I didn’t know whether I’d have the nerve to go through with it or——”
“Or what?” she hissed at the man who was no longer hers.
He started to close the door. “I have three surgical procedures in the morning, but we’ll talk tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow,” she whispered. He knew what he was doing tomorrow, had it all planned out. But for her, tomorrow was the beginning of a life she’d neither wanted nor expected.
CHAPTER 5
For three months, Alex was barely able to function. Aside from Liz, her best friend, and Dr. Seth Stone, her business partner, she couldn’t talk to anyone about Gabe. She was fearful that, in the telling, the possibility of reconciliation would slip further away. And, she didn’t want that, not with the way the boys were acting since Gabe had left.
Since the boys attended a year-round school, bedtime had always been difficult during the summer. But now it was even more so. Jon cried himself to sleep every night, insisting if his daddy didn’t come back, he’d be an orphan like the girl in the movie, Annie. Eric constantly challenged her about everything, demanding she tell him why she sent his father away. Daniel, the gregarious one, was quiet and even refused her help with his homework, assuring her he could handle it by himself.
It was as though in Gabe’s absence his presence was felt even more. There was an overbearing sense of tension, and everything seemed precarious.
Once the boys were in bed, she’d call Liz. Sometimes Liz would come over, and other times they’d just talk on the phone. Liz kept insisting Alex had to return to the First Friday Book Club, and Alex finally agreed.
◆◆◆
A few minutes before noon on the first Friday in August, Alex parked her car and walked to Waters Restaurant, the First Friday Book Club’s meeting place. Purse slung over her shoulder and attaché case in hand, she took the stairs down to the street-level entrance.
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