“Did it died?” Jon turned around.
“Cookie Face, of course it’s dead.” She laughed. “You can tell me all about the circus while I fix dinner.”
“We already ate,” Eric said.
“At the circus?” she asked.
Eric somberly studied the black marble floor. “I’m going to live with Dad.”
“Eric, shut up.” Daniel’s eyes flashed. “Dad said not to say anything yet.”
“Me too,” Jon said.
“What?” Alex stared at her sons. This had to be a terrible nightmare from which she would soon awaken.
“Well, Dad told us it would be better with him.” Eric took a step further into the foyer.
“No!” Alex screamed.
“He’s moving into a big house with a swimming pool.” Jon held out his arms. “This big.”
Eric’s eyes lit up. “Dad said that he’d get us another dog, just like Honey.”
“Honey,” she whispered. Trying to stay calm, she took a steadying breath. “Let’s not talk about it now. You’ve got to get ready for school tomorrow.”
Daniel looked at her with sad eyes. “Dad said the school there’s better.”
“Nonsense.” Alex knew he was being Daniel, trying to protect her by giving her a reason that, in his mind, would not hurt her as much. It did. Devastated, she picked Jon up and held him tight. Certainly her baby couldn’t leave. None of them were going to leave her, she decided. She’d been a good mother.
As though reading her mind, Daniel put his arms around her waist and looked up at her. “Love you,” he said reassuringly.
“Your dad has to discuss this with me first,” she said, sorry she hadn’t taken her attorney’s advice. That was definitely a mistake, a weak moment. There’d be no more of those. There couldn’t be. She was going to keep her boys. She had to.
“I’m going to call your father to clear this up.” She went to the telephone and dialed Gabe, fingers shaking.
No answer. Direct to voice mail. What a bastard!
Somehow, she managed to help the older boys with their homework, read Jon a story, and kiss them all good-night.
She dialed Gabe again. Voice mail. She hung up.
She tried again.
Finally, he answered.
“Gabriel, what the hell did you tell the boys?”
“You signed the agreement giving Eric permission to live with me.” He exhaled into the phone. “Eric and I were talking about it, and the other boys asked why they couldn’t live with me too. They didn’t want you to separate them.”
“Me?” she screamed. “And why’d you pretend to protect me? How could you?”
“I’ve already told you that Townsend lost everything,” he said. “And because his former wife’s attorney subpoenaed the practice’s records, the partners fired him. I couldn’t take that chance.”
“Don’t compare this to Townsend. You pressured me to sign because you wanted your name off the deed so you could buy yourself a new house.” She wasn’t going to let him lie to her again. “The boys are not leaving,” she screamed. Then, realizing she might wake the children, she lowered her voice. “Why did you show the boys a new house you’re buying for them?”
“I’m not buying a house,” he said.
Trembling, trying to keep her rage to a whisper, she asked, “If you’re not buying a house, how could you have shown the boys a house with a pool?”
“It’s Linda’s house.”
“Right,” she said. “The boys said it was a new house.”
“Actually, the boys had never seen Linda’s house before today,” he said. “We’ve been living in a rental while the house was being renovated for the boys.”
“For the boys?” she repeated. Shocked, she wondered how he’d been able to sail so effortlessly from one life to another while her life had been turning inside out from the minute he’d told her he was leaving. She demanded, “Why’d you tell the boys they could live with you?”
“It’s all in the agreement. As you recall, since Eric is thirteen, he can choose where he wants to live.”
“Gabe, you said the kids would stay with me.”
He sighed loudly. “I’m sure you’d never want to separate the boys and ruin the family.”
“The family’s ruined, Gabe. You’re the one who ruined it. I won’t let the boys go.”
“You’ve got no choice on Eric. He’s thirteen.” His voice sounded calm, measured. “You can let ’em go now, or you’ll lose them one by one, like ripping a bandage off hair by hair.”
“You fucking shit.” She threw down the phone, almost wishing she had grabbed his steering wheel on the trip home from Vegas. If they’d both died, she’d be spared this agony.
She needed to call Liz, but first she poured herself a glass of Merlot. Hands shaking too much to walk into the carpeted living room or family room while holding a glass of red wine, she sat at the kitchen table and stared at the balloons. Jon’s blue balloon dropped to the floor next to Daniel’s green one. Eric’s red one stuck to the ceiling.
She looked at her watch: 11:08 p.m. It was too late to call Liz. She called anyway. “Gabe’s taking the boys.”
“I’m coming over,” Liz said. “I’ll be there in a half hour.”
Alex went upstairs. As she looked at each of her sleeping boys, her heart hurt.
Twenty minutes later, she heard a knock at the front door and rushed downstairs. “I can’t lose the boys.” She collapsed into Liz.
Liz decided they had to call Meredith. They went into the kitchen. Liz picked up the half-empty glass of Merlot and looked at Alex. “You’re drinking?”
“No, I haven’t been drinking.” She gulped. “Yet.”
Liz picked up the phone and handed it to Alex. “Call Meredith.”
“She’s a real estate attorney.” Alex hesitated before dialing.
“She’s shrewd, and she’s the best we can do at midnight,” Liz said.
“Hello.” Meredith yawned into the phone.
Alex explained.
Meredith said, “I tried to warn you, but you had to get off the phone to talk to Dorset.”
“He quit.”
“Oh, God, no.”
“Wrong answer,” Alex said. “What do I do?”
“I don’t usually call family law attorneys at midnight.” Meredith lowered her voice. “Warren’s here, but I’m going to get up and review the agreement again.”
“It’s too late for that,” Alex said. “Just go back to sleep.”
“I’m awake now. You just hired Meredith Blackstone, attorney extraordinaire, whether you want her or not. I’ll call as soon as I review everything.”
“Thanks.” Alex hung up and nodded at Liz.
“Meredith can be bitchy, but she always comes through.” Liz handed Alex a tissue. “You’ll keep the boys.”
“But the boys said they’re going,” Alex sobbed.
“What do the boys really want?” Liz asked.
“Eric said he wants to live in Gabe’s new house.” Alex took a breath. “Jon talked about his father’s fabulous swimming pool. Daniel said something about the school there being better.”
Liz studied Alex, shook her head, and softly said, “Maybe you should let him take the children.”
“Why would you even think that?” Alex asked.
“I don’t want to see you get hurt.” Liz looked apologetic. “You could go through a custody battle and then lose.”
“I’m their mother,” Alex said. “How could you think I’d lose my children?”
“Money,” Liz said and hugged Alex.
Alex pulled away. “How could you think money would prevail?”
“It always does,” Liz said. “It’s who buys the best attorney.”
Alex agreed. “There’s no way
I could afford a Beverly Hills attorney like the one Gabe hired.”
“But why do you think Gabe wants the boys?” Liz asked.
Alex looked at Liz. “I’m sure he loves them, but I think this is more about control.”
“Control?” Liz asked.
Alex explained how Gabe was always talking about Townsend, one of the doctors in the practice who got a divorce and was thrown out of the practice because his former wife had the practice audited. But the worst part was that Townsend’s wife had a boyfriend who was one of the children’s coaches. The kids adored the boyfriend who poisoned them against their father. The kids decided to live with the mother, and Townsend was completely ostracized from his children.
Alex also recounted how Gabe had told her if they ever got a divorce, which he’d said would never happen, there was no way anyone would prevent him from seeing his kids whenever he wanted, and he’d said he would never let another man bring up his kids. She’d ignored that, certain a divorce would never happen to them—until it did.
CHAPTER 18
It was midnight by the time Liz left, and Alex was appreciative of every minute Liz spent with her. There was nothing like a caring friend, and, at this moment, that was the only thing of which she was certain.
She walked upstairs. As she approached the landing, she thought she heard a sound and turned.
Daniel stood in the hallway. “Mom, I’m sorry.”
“What’s wrong?” She reached out and hugged him. With her arm wrapped around his waist, they walked into her bedroom. She turned on the light.
Wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his blue pajamas, Daniel said, “I told Dad we could stay with you one night and then with him another night.”
“That’s a great idea. You’re so smart.” She sat down on the bed. “What’d your dad say?”
“Dad said it would be too disruptive. So I said we could stay with you one week and him another.” He got on her bed.
“That would work,” Alex said, fighting back tears.
“Dad said it wouldn’t be a good idea, and Eric said our friends would be too confused.”
“Your friends would figure it out.” Alex pulled him close. “Everything will be fine, but we’ve got to take care of Jon.”
Daniel took a deep breath, and she could feel herself breathe with him. “Jon did say he needed to be with his mommy.”
“What did your father say to that?”
“Dad said, ‘Your brothers and I are men. We’ve got to stick together.’ Then Dad asked Jon if he was a baby.”
Alex fought back tears. “Jon is a baby.” Gripped by a sense of disbelief, she could hardly think. “Jon has to stay with me.”
“Mom, don’t be mad at Jon.”
“I’m not mad at any of you. I know it’s best for you guys to be together, but I’ve got an idea.”
She moved her hands, pretended to sew her heart, touched Daniel’s chest, and then made an imaginary stitch.
“What’re you doing?” Daniel asked.
“I’m making a connection between us that can never be broken, no matter what.”
“I won’t tell Dad about this.”
“It’s our secret.” Alex kissed him.
“That’s not why.” He shook his head. “Dad said you’re going to be upset, and you might do weird things. He said to tell him about the stuff you do. He said he’d explain it all to us. He said he couldn’t protect us unless he knew everything.”
“Bastard.” Alex put her hand over her mouth. She didn’t mean to curse in front of Daniel, but she couldn’t help herself. Her anger was visceral. “I can protect you,” she promised, fearful Gabe might even have told them they’d be safer with him. He might have warned them that a mother who had burned her child once might do it again, on purpose.
“Mom, do you still love Dad?”
“Um,” she said, unable to tell him she used to love Gabe so much it made her heart ache, and now she hated him with the same intensity. It would be too confusing for him. He had to learn to live with this new reality, and so did she.
“I love you,” he said and looked up at her, tears spilling down his cheeks.
She kissed his cheek and pulled him to her. “Sweetie, go back to bed.”
As soon as Daniel left her room, she went downstairs to pack their school lunches. She was going to do it in the morning, but now, she had to do something, something that would affirm that she hadn’t lost her boys. And routines had always saved her whenever reality was too cruel to face.
After she picked up the deflated blue and green balloons up from the kitchen floor, Eric’s red one popped. She jumped, dropped into a chair, and was swept back to the day at the circus when her father had bought her a red balloon.
Seven-year-old Alexandra looked up from under her navy bowler hat with the blue satin bow, her wavy chestnut hair cascading down her back and dancing around her tiny waist. She saw the fat lady in the circus with her pancaked face, orangey-colored hair, and rotted teeth. The fat lady crinkled her gnarled index finger and beckoned Alexandra to her. Scared, Alexandra squeezed her dad’s hand and smiled up at his gentle, handsome face, hoping he wouldn’t ever let go of her hand.
“Babe, go ahead.” Her dad nudged her toward the fat lady.
Staring at the grotesque mountain of flesh draped in a pink floral muumuu, Alexandra shrank back into her dad. Until that moment, her new hat, black patent leather shoes, and white stockings had made her feel magical, like Alice in Wonderland.
Her dad patted her bowler hat. Then, moving closer to the bulging figure on the platform, Alexandra stared at the fat lady’s dull brown eyes peeking out from her pillow of a face. The mixture of sweat and pancake makeup streaking the woman’s face made Alexandra’s tummy turn.
Her dad nudged her to within inches of the fat lady’s ruby lips. Alexandra stared at the deep pockmarks on the woman’s face. She felt the fat lady’s hot, sour breath and quickly turned her face away.
The fat lady pushed her face close to Alexandra and hissed, “It’s the scrawny little girls like you who always grow up to be like me—alone and miserable.”
“Me?” Alexandra asked, wondering how the fat lady could have known how intensely she feared she’d grow up to be fat just like her mother. She used to think her mother never left the house because she was too fat. Now, she feared if her mother did leave the house, this would be where they’d take her.
“Hee hee!” the fat lady shrieked and then whispered, “You don’t believe me, but you’ll see.” Shifting her fat cheeks into a smirk, the fat lady held out a signed photo of herself.
Alexandra grabbed the black-and-white picture and stepped back against her dad’s legs.
“What’d she say to you?” he asked.
“Nothing.” Alexandra folded the picture and shoved it into her jacket pocket. Terrified, she asked, “Daddy, when I grow up, will I be like you?”
“Of course not.” Her dad laughed. “You’ll be just like your mommy.”
Horrified by the fat lady’s warning and her father’s confirmation, Alexandra thought of her mother. She wondered how the fat lady in the circus could have known about her balloon of a mother at home, the woman Alexandra sometimes wished would fly away.
Then, to the background of Igor Stravinsky’s “Circus Polka,” Alexandra and her dad walked past the sideshow to their seats at the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. She watched the fire-eater, the midget, the giant, and the bearded lady, but none frightened her more than the fat lady. The farther away they got from the fat lady, the more Alexandra savored the circus: the music, the colors, and the smells of sawdust mingling with the cotton candy.
Years later, when Alex had married Gabriel, she’d thought she’d be safe forever. But tonight, her hopes and dreams were like balloons, floating off to distant places without her.
CHAPTER 19
On Monday morning, she sat at her desk and reviewed her first patient’s chart, feeling the sense of security the office always provided.
There was a knock on her office door, and without waiting for her to invite him in, Seth walked into her office. “Alex, don’t panic, but you need to come to the waiting room with me.” He went to her desk, moved behind her, and put his hands on her shoulders.
She looked up at him.
“There’s a process server here to see you,” he said.
Terrified that Gabe’s plan to take the children was coming to fruition and was moving faster than she’d imagined, she started to cry. She tried to stand up, but her legs buckled. “Seth, there are patients in the waiting room. Please tell him to come back here.”
The process server entered her office, asked if she was Dr. Alexandra Rose, and handed her an envelope. She tore it open. Shocked, she stared at the legal document from Gabe’s attorney: Form FL-300, “Request for Order.” It was a court order for her to appear at the Lamoreaux Justice Center in Orange, California. The boxes labeled “Modification” and “Child Custody” were checked.
Seth looked on as she read the form. There was a case number, which she recognized as her divorce case number. Gabe was requesting legal and physical custody. Expecting to see only Eric named, she was shocked. Daniel and Jonathan Rose were also included. Panic gripped her as she touched each name on the page.
She turned the pages and read the section entitled “Facts in Support.” Gabe had alleged she’d committed one irresponsible act after another. No, she wasn’t the woman who’d intentionally burned her child. She wasn’t a careless mother. She hadn’t been habitually late to transport the children to and from their practices and games.
Devastated at how their love had turned from soft and gentle to harsh and ugly with the stroke of a pen, she called Meredith.
Meredith told Alex to stay calm.
“Too late,” Alex said. “I’m a wreck. What do I do?”
Meredith promised to find her an attorney immediately, and within an hour, Joshua Leventhal called. He explained they had to file a response within twenty-one days. He recommended they meet within the next few days and assured her he’d draft a formal reply.
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