by Aidy Award
“Thanks. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the job.” She set the glass in front of me and I stared at it for far too long.
Gray had taken a liking to a local distillery called Peach Street. He’d had Jim keep a bottle of their finest just for him behind the bar. Looked to me like no one else had touched it. I guess it was mine now.
The smooth burn of the whiskey made my eyes water. Yeah, it was the whiskey.
Cade joined me, sitting on the barstool on my left. “Angelina. I’m glad you’re here. Maybe you can protect me from Dani’s machinations.”
Uh-oh. “I don’t think you’re supposed to know.”
“Addison told him.” Dominic came and sat on my right. “She’s a stickler for the truth these days.”
“I’m glad. Secrets can tear your heart out.” I put my hand on Dominic’s, then took Cade’s. “Give her a chance.”
They each had been hurt by Gray’s death too. They both deserved to find their own brand of happiness.
Dominic stood. “I’m on door tonight, then I’m helping Addy with the newbies orientation. I’m here for you all night if you need me.”
I gave him a quick hug. “Thanks. I don’t know how long I’ll stay, but I’m here.”
More people came in through the doors and I loved seeing beautiful curvy women fill the room and tons of admirers drooling over them. Including Cade.
Dani and her friend had made it inside and were headed toward the bar. Cade’s jaw had fallen clear down to the floor and his tongue was rolling away.
“Holy shit. Is that the woman Dani’s setting me up with?”
More of those old feelings I used to have bubbled up seeing Cade go all twitterpated over a girl. “I haven’t met her, but probably. Don’t drool on her.”
“Fuck me. I may have to go jerk off in the bathroom before I meet her, or I’ll have her bent over the bar with my cock inside of her before we even say hello.”
“She’s brand new to all this, Cade. Be a good Dom and remember her needs.” Cade needed the warning. I’d never seen him react like this to any woman.
“I always do, Angel.” Cade kissed my cheek and pretended he wasn’t going to heed my warning.
Angel…
Angel.
I thought it would hurt to hear anyone call me that ever again. But the burning sadness didn’t come. There was a bittersweet pain, the kind that also came with pleasure.
I stayed at the bar for a while, watching people interact in all the ways I hadn’t for too long. Cade took his pretty woman for a tour of the club and Dominic teased Addy after the class was over.
I loved seeing their happiness. Truly. But it was more stimulation than I could take for very long. I headed toward my office, but couldn’t bring myself to go in. I went to the next best place to find some privacy. The ladies room.
I loved how crazy Gray had thought I was to decorate this as a French boudoir. It was the perfect retreat.
I sat on one of the circular couches and sipped on my whiskey. A few women came and went. A curvy blonde I thought I recognized even hid in the stall.
Dani and her friend pushed through the door and were caught up in their night. They didn’t even notice me. I liked being the eavesdropping voyeur anyway.
“Did you set this up?” The friend asked.
Smart girl. Hopefully she’d be smart enough to let that go and take hold of the chance she had right in front of her.
“No, no. I did think he was still with someone, but I should have known.” Dani reached into a tiny handbag and pulled out tube of mascara and some lip gloss. Such a slick liar she was.
The friend had some tear streaks and smudged mascara. I’d have to teach Cade a new lesson if he’d hurt this girl already.
“Why? What do you mean?”
“He doesn’t let people in, but his subs always fall in love with him. The second he thinks they’re going that way he lets them loose. He’s a decent guy and doesn’t want his girls to get hurt. But he’s a dumbass.”
“Oh.”
Oh indeed. Cade had been closed off even before he’d joined my harem. It was smart for Dani to make sure her friend went into the relationship with her eyes wide open.
Cade needed a good woman to break through his walls. I hoped she was the one.
“He’ll be great for your first Dom. He’s lucky he was standing by the door when we came in.” Dani leaned across the counter and ran a hand over her hair.
“Don’t be silly.”
It would be very interesting to see how this relationship developed.
“No, really. I’ve seen how everyone’s been looking at you all night. Especially during that Shibari scene. Ooh, baby, you were hot, and Cade was practically pissing a circle around you to let everyone know you were his.”
“I am not his. We just met.”
Maybe she wanted to be his though.
“Ness, he has soooooo staked his claim on you, and trust me honey, you are going to have one kick ass time with him.”
“But he wants to, uh, dominate me.”
Yes, I wanted to scream. He does, and you’ll love it if you let yourself. I stayed quiet. Dani was doing a good job calming Ness’s fears.
Dani turned and propped herself against the counter. She looked right at Ness and said, “You want him to do it too.”
She shook her head. “But I’m not exactly the submissive type. I’m always in charge at work. I hold more philanthropy board positions than I know what to do with, and you know what kind of crazy hours I keep—”
“I know, Nessie. But think about every single one of those things. Why do you do them, why are you in charge?”
She thought for a minute and I waited impatiently to see where her mind landed.
“Because someone asks me to be.”
Hmm. Interesting. So, if Cade asked you to please him, what would you do, mija?
“Exactly. You’re a people pleaser, Ness. You always have been. I think it means you’ve got a submissive streak about this wide, running through you.” Danica wrapped her arms around Ness’s hips and wiggled her butt back and forth.
“Maybe, but I’m not getting beat like that poor girl did.”
Ahh, that’s what scared her. Impact play was not for everyone.
“Have you ever even been spanked?”
“No.”
The warmth on her face told me she’d fantasized about it though.
“Then don’t knock it until you try it. You might be surprised by what you like and what you don’t.”
“I don’t know.”
She did.
“Well, so, how’s vanilla sex for ya, Nessie?”
Ness rolled her eyes at Dani and I already knew the answer to the question.
“Fine. Regular sex sucks.”
Dani nodded. “And not in the fun way.”
“I don’t think I can let anyone, even Hotty McHotts-a-lot out there, do to me anything like we saw.”
“You don’t have to. Everybody is bent in a different way. We all have our own kinks. Yours isn’t masochism and that’s fine. We all have limits.”
“But how do I know what mine are?”
“The best way to find out is to explore with someone who is willing to go slow and work at building trust with you. I happen to know a very experienced, very fine man who would be giddy to be able to play with you.”
Dani grinned in the way a best friend does when they know they’ve gotten you the perfect birthday present. “Think about that and when you’re ready to give him your number, come back out. Don’t let me see you crawl back into that vanilla shell.”
Danica snapped the tiny handbag shut, popped her lips in the mirror, gave her boobs a boost, and walked out the door.
She was right, and Ness knew it. But I could see her wavering. Denying herself what she wanted.
Been there, done that. Got the scars.
If another woman could learn from my mistakes, I had to try to help her. Maybe Danica had it right and getting
involved in other people’s love lives was the best way to ignore my own.
Other Women’s Love Lives
I couldn’t keep my mouth shut any longer. “Your friend is right. Every girl in here has been jealous of you all night.”
Ness glanced over at me and blinked a few times. “Who, me?”
“Don’t be that way, mija. Confidence is much sexier than naiveté, especially in a submissive.” It took me longer than I wanted to learn that lesson for myself.
I saw the truth of awareness dance across her skin, exciting her. That excited me.
“Very true. Thank you.” She straightened her dress, and ran a hand over her hair.
“May I?” I walked up behind her and pointed to her pretty dark brown waves.
“Sure.”
I grabbed her ponytail and yanked the band holding it in place. Then I ran my fingers through to the scalp and scrubbed. I wasn’t gentle, either. She needed a way to focus, and a touch of pleasure pain could do that every time.
“There you go. You should always wear that just-fucked look for your hair. Now, lick your lips and give your cheeks a pinch and Cade will have a heart attack when you go sit in his lap. That or come right there in his pants.”
I didn’t even give her a chance to look in the mirror, no second guessing herself. I pushed her out the door satisfied with my work. I grabbed my whiskey and leaned against the counter.
“Are you ready to come out, mija?” I hadn’t forgotten the pretty blonde hiding in one of the stalls.
A second later Ness stuck her head back into the room.
I lifted my drink. “Damn, busted. I’m trying to quit, but these call to me in an evil devil's voice every so often.” The devilish voice of Grayson Baker.
She waved my drink off. “No, no. I, uh, well, who are you?”
I laughed and put the glass down on a golden tray. “I am Angelina, and I own Devils and Angels.”
“Oh, it’s very nice to meet you.”
“Go, mija. Don’t keep Cade waiting, because you’ll likely enjoy the punishment from him too much.” I shooed her away with my hands.
I’d grill Dani later on how that part of the evening turned out.
I took another sip and realized that I had recognized the hiding girl. She’d been playing with Hawk’s friend, something Jamison. But I knew her from somewhere else.
Aha. She was Eden Stone, the author. She’d joined when we did our membership drives before opening, but as far as I knew, had never been in.
She popped her head out of the swinging door and looked around before coming out.
“Ah, Ms. Stone. I’m so glad you finally decided to use your membership.”
If I was wrong and she’d been playing all this time, she could correct me. But she was hiding in the bathroom, like I was. She’d been overwhelmed too.
“Yeah, my online research only got me so far.” She nodded and a small smile creeped up around the edge of her lips.
“And did you find what you were searching for tonight?”
She opened her mouth to tell me and herself a lie. Interesting.
Eden thought for a second and then said, “I think maybe I did.”
Oh good. She was going to get what she wanted and needed. “I thought so, but then, why are you keeping Mr. Jamison waiting?”
“I’m not sure.” She got that I’m-lying-to-myself look on her face. “I got scared.”
“We often do when we find what we most need as demonstrated by Vanessa only a minute ago. Lucky for her, Danica has been getting what she needs at my club for a long time.”
Maybe if Eden understood we could all have what we wanted, unless it was stolen from us, then she’d be more willing to take her shot.
“Can I ask you a question?”
I nodded and indicated with my hand to ask.
“How’d you know what you needed?”
When what I truly needed was gone forever.
Here I sat, extolling advice to all the beautiful people in my life, and I didn’t believe that I’d ever get my own needs fulfilled ever again.
Shame on me.
I blinked and smiled at her, apologizing in my own way.
“Who says I have?”
She looked confused, and I couldn’t blame her. I shouldn’t have come tonight. I thought I was ready. I wasn’t.
“But this club and…”
“I inherited the club, mija. But we weren’t talking about me.” That was sort of true, and she didn’t need to hear my sad story. “Go on now. I’ve been waiting for Mr. Jamison to meet his submissive for too long.”
I only vaguely knew who he was, but I wanted to hurry her along.
“Okay. I’m going. Thank you, I hope we can talk again soon.”
Not likely, because I wouldn’t be coming back to the club again.
It was a mistake to come here tonight. I’d offer the place to the guys first, then Hawk and Lilly. If none of them wanted to take over, maybe I could get Danica to do it. She was a natural at all of this. Even if she was hiding it from the man she was interested in.
I stopped by the bar to tell Jim I was leaving, and not to worry. He would anyway.
He set down the glass of beer he was filling and waved to one of the other bartenders. “Let me give you a ride. I gave the detail the night off since I knew you would be here.”
Thank God for that. I needed some alone time. “No, it’s fine. I’ll get a cab or an Uber.”
“No way. Give me a minute.”
I touched his arm and nodded. “Really, Jim. It’s fine. I’ll be okay on my own.”
He frowned with one side of his mouth. “At least take my car.”
I didn’t want to be here a second more. I agreed to the last offer, took his keys, and left.
I climbed into the driver’s seat and closed my eyes, drinking in the quiet. Maybe I’d go for a drive and never come back.
I turned to set my bag on the seat and that’s when I saw the envelope. It sat there on the leather, simple, white and plain, with my name scrawled across it.
In Gray’s handwriting.
How could this be? Had Jim had this letter all this time? Why wouldn’t he have given it to me months ago?
My hands shook like the scaredy cat I’d become. I was barely able to pick the paper up. I did and it took me a good two minutes to tear through the envelope.
Angel,
Don’t quit.
I know you, and you’re not a quitter. But I also know that if I’m not there, you’ll be tempted to give up.
You’re stronger than you think, my love.
You’ll make it through this.
Go on.
I am always with you.
Forgive me.
--Gray
I had to wipe the tears constantly to be able to read the whole thing. Had Gray known something was going to happen to him? He must have written this knowing he would die.
How could he do that to me?
The overwhelming sadness that had lifted the past few days came back at me with a vengeance.
I couldn’t breathe.
I couldn’t see.
I couldn’t go on anymore.
I would never move on.
The door of the car pulled open and I was wrapped into someone’s strong arms.
“Shh, shh, shh, doll. I’ve got you.”
I was carried back into the club and into one of the private Master suites. One with a bed.
Jim stayed with me. Lilly came and made me drink water. Dominic found the note.
They whispered. I cried myself to sleep.
The next morning Jim was still there beside my bed, as he had been when I woke up in the hospital.
He was a good friend. I was grateful Gray had brought him into our lives when he had.
I waited for the tears to flow again when I thought of Gray. I was all dried up.
“Can I see the letter again, please?” My voice was scratchy and raw.
The envelope was dirtier now, t
ouched by so many hands, I supposed.
I reread Gray’s words. Then I read them again.
Don’t quit.
Go on.
Forgive me.
Forgive.
I held the note against my chest. “He says I shouldn’t quit.”
I wasn’t sure if I was talking to Jim, or myself. Maybe both.
“I saw that. Where did you get the note?”
I ignored his question, caught in my own tempest of thoughts and emotions. “I don’t know if I can do what he tells me to this time.”
I’d fought him so many times before. This was a fight I didn’t want to win.
Jim slid the paper from my hand and took my in his arms again. “You have to, doll. That’s your arrangement.”
He was right. Gray was my Dom, and the commitment I had to him mandated that I do as he asked, as he told.
So I did.
I got out of bed. I got out of the dark place I’d been in since Gray died.
It was very hard, every day. But I didn’t quit.
I dismissed the bodyguards even against Jim’s wishes. Without Gray, I had to learn to take care of myself.
Cade and Vanessa’s relationship grew before my eyes and I swallowed the jealousy and told her about Cade and our life before the club.
Danica continued on her relationship vacation, sticking her nose into everyone else’s business.
Lilly’s belly grew big, as did her happiness.
I watched them all have lives that month, and I tried my best to have one of my own.
Three months without Gray.
Each night after I went home from the club, I hid my tears from them all. There were fewer each day, but still they came.
Still I did not quit.
Gray told me I couldn’t.
Then one day, I came home and I didn’t cry.
I screamed.
Revenge
My loft was dark like the power had gone out and I’d just set my keys on the kitchen counter, ready to call maintenance to see what was going on.
“Hello, Angelina.” Foster’s cold voice pierced me, a thousand needles hitting my skin and penetrating down to my heart.
I swallowed my scream and backed away, fumbling with the phone to call 9-1-1.