by Berri Fox
As soon as they’ve gone I prowl over to the bed and fling myself down on the mattress, staring up at the ceiling and bouncing a little. I don’t know why I’m feeling so wound up! I’ve never felt this alive and this happy before.
It’s like a light in me has been switched on and I don’t know what to do with myself.
I’m pretty sure it’s not just the sex, though don’t get me wrong that was absolutely mind blowing. But usually after banging a pretty lady I’m just about climbing the wall to get away the next morning. I don’t like clinging and I don’t go for relationships. When I get a girlfriend it’s usually a heady mix of alcohol and bad choices and we explode almost as soon as we get together.
It’s nothing like the soft sweetness of cuddling Jess last night, or the open vulnerability that we showed to each other. I want more. I’ve never wanted more before. It’s weird and unusual and strange, and I don’t want any weirdness in my perfect holiday. I’ve got to sort this out.
I push myself off the bed and start pacing the cabin. I get halfway changed, decide that I don’t like my bra and pull it off from under my top before throwing it into the bin. Then I change my jeans, then I change them again. I pull on a top then change it for a shirt then change that for a dress.
By the time I’ve ended up back in the first outfit I selected when I started I know what I have to do. There’s only one person who understands me well enough to talk me down from this weird happy confusion.
I dial his number and flop onto the couch. I’m braced, but even being braced doesn’t quite prepare me for the rage in Robin’s voice when he picks up.
“What the fuck are you doing, Ash?”
“Hi to you too,” I say, and I can’t help the teasing tone in my voice. He’s so easy to wind up. “Could you be a bit more specific?”
“First you steal my cruise which was really awkward to explain to Emily so thank you so much for that,” he says and I stifle a snort that only seems to make him angrier. “And now you’ve done what, stolen my proposal? Why are Hugo and Royston calling me to complain that I haven’t let them congratulate me on my recent engagement?”
His tone is rising from fun levels of Robin rage straight to dangerous levels so I cut in, “I’ve been avoiding them obviously. If they figure out it’s me and not you then the company will be in all kinds of trouble.”
“I’m well aware, thank you. It’s the only reason I’m not taking their calls because they’d end up figuring it out. Have you gotten engaged, Ash and who on earth to? Am I going to have to deal with a breach of promise suit when you get back?”
“No of course not, it’s just the girl that’s pretending to be Emily. How do you stand having one person around the whole time. Rob? It’s got to drive you crazy. Emily’s nice and all but do you really want to just be with her all your life and never anyone else?”
I can sense him wanting to point out that open relationships exist even if they don’t have one. This is how our conversations go, I make some sort of ridiculous statement and derail him into proving me wrong until he’s forgotten why we were fighting in the first place.
“What’s her name?” he asks and I screw up my nose.
“Jess, why?”
“What’s so great about her?”
“Why would you think something’s so great about her? Wasn’t I just complaining about having her around all the time?”
“No, you were deflecting and trying to distract me which means that you think just about the opposite of whatever you just said. So you want to spend a lot of time around this Jess, do you sis?”
Fuck, he’s not supposed to be able to figure me out so fast! I curse softly and start pacing. “She’s just some shop girl from a bookstore who got stuck on board. She’s cute and convenient,” I prune all the other words out of my sentences like smart and funny and gorgeous and sweet. “It’s not a chore being around her, I guess.”
“Practically a declaration of love from you,” he says and I find myself spluttering.
“Love? What the fuck, Rob? I don’t do love. That sappy stuff is what you’re into, not me. I’m the free spirit and you’re the boring one who is going to have two kids and live in the suburbs.”
“Uhuh,” he says and now he sounds like he’s laughing at me. “Very boring, me.”
“Shut up. I’m not in love with anyone and you’re dumb.”
“Your rhetoric wouldn’t win any debates, sis. Personal attacks are proof that you don’t have any facts to back you up.”
“Oh shut up,” I say and hang up before he can claim that he’s won. I don’t do feelings, I don’t do love and I don’t do commitment. I’m the party girl who will party until I drop.
The longer I think about it the better I feel. It’s just Robin being his boring old self and projecting onto me. It’s nothing for me to worry about. I’m going to enjoy my cruise and the cutie on my arm and then walk away at the end and on to the next adventure.
With that decision I throw on a blazer and some strappy sandals and head down to the dining room. I’m starving and I’ve burned a whole lot of energy this morning. I spot Jess helping Alex cut something on his plate and as I head towards them her head comes up and she smiles directly at me.
There’s this moment where everything seems to slow right down and focus in on that beautiful smile and I feel my heart do a backflip in my chest.
Fuck. Maybe Ashley Carmichael does do feelings after all.
Twenty
Jess
Breakfast has never been much of a big deal for me. Most days, I forget to even have it and if I do, its not much.
Sitting on the warm deck with some of the most delicious food I’ve ever seen makes me change my mind about the most important meal of the day. Alex and I have stuffed ourselves with pastries, waffles and pancakes. Now I can actually see why people would linger over breakfast.
I’m still wicked nervous around Ashley. Part of me wants to throw myself into her arms. Another part of me wants to run like hell. I don’t know what I’m doing. All I know is, I’m going to get hurt.
Alex looks up at Ashley and takes her hand shyly as we get up from the table. My heart twists. Its one thing for me to hope too much and get myself bruised. Its really not fair to let Alex get hurt, too.
“Hey, kiddo. You want to go check out the cinema?” Ashley grins at Alex.
“A cinema! Like, movies?” His little face lights up.
“Yeah man. Movies. Big seats. Popcorn. The whole shebang.”
He looks up at me eagerly.
“Can I go, Auntie Jess?”
I struggle, but only for a second. I can’t deny that cute little face.
“Okay kiddo. You go have fun with Ashley.”
I suppose I could go with them, but I’m worried about how I’m going to react to Ashley. Huddled up. In the dark.
No way. I have to get a hold of myself.
“Why don’t you take off and relax, Jess? I’ll take care of the little monster.”
For a few seconds, a sense of warmth and familiarity seeps into me. We’re standing in the bright sun, looking at each other as if we’ve always known each other.
As if we belong together.
I’m going to get myself hurt if I keep thinking like this. Alex is going to get hurt. What happens when Ashley disappears back to her fancy lifestyle?
The moment passes and Ashley grins at me as they wave and head off down the deck. With a weary sigh I decide to go and see Natalie and hopefully, sort out the tangle of my thoughts.
When I get to the salon its fairly quiet and I’m not sure if its because its early morning or if people just don’t visit here much. When Natalie sees me, she waves with an eager smile and gestures for me to come over.
She makes a big show of getting me comfortably settled in the chair and putting drinks and candy nearby. I shake my head with a little laugh.
“You don’t have to go to all that trouble for me.”
She sits down by my side and takes my
hand, starting to clean around my cuticles with a pointed pick.
“Don’t be ridiculous.” She scoffs. “I’ll always go to trouble for you. Not everyone gets candy.” She grins mischievously.
The feeling of her working on my hand is rhythmic and comforting. Her hands are cool and quick, the small deft movements showing how skilled she is at her work.
“I’m so glad you came in.” She whispers, leaning over. “You can only share the same gossip with the same people so many times.”
I try to keep my hand still as I lean forward.
“Spill it!”
She laughs.
“Okay, well. You see that lady over there with the short curly hair?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s Celestine Duncan. She has all the money in her relationship—a rare enough thing. She’s fucking her boy toy on the side. She paid for him to have his own suite and her husband is totally clueless.”
I let out a low whistle. “That’s nasty. Why doesn’t she get a divorce?”
“No pre nup. She thought they’d be together forevers. Silly woman.”
“Shit. She looks pretty happy, anyway.”
“Yeah. She’s been hurling cocktail waitresses and bikini models at her hubby hoping to get him cheating. It might have worked. He was walking arm in arm with a blonde honey this morning.”
“Love always wins.” I can’t help giggling and Natalie grips my hand tight and frowns at my nails.
“There’s a bit of talk about you, too.” Natalie’s eyes narrow a little, looking like a true conspirator. “All the gold diggers want to know how you got in with Ashley—Robin—Whoever! They are desperately trying to smudge you, but not having your real name, even the gossip goes flat.”
Now I really do laugh. I laugh so hard I snort, and Natalie has to let go of my hand.
“I didn’t get anything.” I shake my head, trying to hold back the pain these words carry. “I didn’t win her. Its not what they think it is.”
Natalie shrugs. “That doesn’t matter. They are making their own assumptions, you know? Girls like that need to hate. If they fail, they can’t put it on themselves. Its easier to put it on you.”
I think for a moment as the soothing, back and forth motions of the file hum through my hand. I never considered being the target of someone’s hatred. It makes me feel a bit ill. I hope I don’t have to deal with any confrontations.
“Oh, here comes Lauren Grant!” Natalie whispers furiously, gripping my hand a bit too tight. “She’s married and she has not one, but two boy toys.”
“How does she manage it?” I can’t help gasping in shock.
Natalie giggles. “They all know each other. It can’t go public because she’s in charge of a church charity. She’d be ruined. But late last night she was dancing with all three guys in the piano room and they all went back to her suite. It’s really kind of cute. I love the idea that love doesn’t fit into society’s boxes. You know?”
“I do know.” I’m in a place of such confusion now I don’t know what to say.
“I’ve got to tell you about De Haverland.” She flips the file expertly in her hand and starts working on the other side of my nail without missing a beat. “He’s so pissed that he can’t rattle Ashley’s cage. Like, he’s trying so hard but all he gets out of it is embarrassment.”
I try to hold in my giggles and all I can manage is a strangled type sound. Natalie raises her eyebrows.
“Are you having a seizure?” She asks, rolling her eyes.
“Yeah. I kind of am. The towel boy incident?”
Natalie lets out a yelp of laughter she has to quickly stifle. A few customers and other beauticians give us strange looks, so we look back with blank, solemn expressions. Eye rolls and lifted eyebrows appraise us coolly.
Natalie turns back to my nails and the conversation without missing a beat.
“Anyway, now we’ve kind of got this pool going, betting on who’s going to lose their shit and when. Its incredible, but a lot of these couples seem to have their fights in patterns.” She points at a man and woman passing the salon.
“Almost to the letter, these guys fight every Tuesday night.”
I giggle at her, wiggling my fingers so she makes a face at me.
“So, are you winning?”
“No lovely. I think Ashley’s winning. She just has an instinct for it.”
The shop starts to fill up. A group of three women come in, gossiping loudly. They are bitching quite loudly about their husbands and I’m amazed that they can talk like that in front of so many people.
“Yep. I bet against two of these ladies for sure.” Her face falls in mock dismay. “I’m screwed. Just listen to that.”
“Oh, Reg has been a beast, an absolute beast!” One of the ladies exclaims. “We’re supposed to be having a romantic time, reconnecting and falling back in love, where is he? At the bar. At the movies. In the pool. I’m going to give him a piece of my mind!”
Natalie shakes her head forlornly. “You see? That’s going to explode later today. For sure. I put the odds on them making nookie not fighting.”
Her affected tone and manner are too much for me and I bellow out a huge laugh. I slap my hand over my mouth but its too late, the women are looking at us curiously, starting to frown.
“Uh-oh.” Natalie whispers. “I think they heard us!”
“Of course, we heard you, girl!” One of the ladies shrieks. “You aren’t in another room! What the hell is so damn funny?”
Natalie and I have totally lost our shit. Giggles are spilling out around the solemn faces we’re trying to make.
“Cheese it!” Natalie whispers.
We both get up and start hurrying towards the door. I turn to the ladies and try to offer a serious apology, but I can’t keep up the façade and end up letting Natalie drag me out the door, both of us giggling like schoolgirls.
Twenty-One
Ashley
Alex loves the onboard cinema and I don’t blame him. When I was a kid I would have gone nuts over a cinema in my own backyard so to speak, especially one I could go to at any time. It wasn’t something my parents invested in no matter how much Robin and I tried to convince them it was a good idea.
It’s not a huge theater, very cozy with about 50 seats. Alex and I sit near the front so he doesn’t have to peer over anyone super tall and he’s practically vibrating with excitement over the fact that we’re going to be watching a marathon of Disney Princess movies.
We belt along to ‘A Whole New World’ together and I’m impressed by the fact that this tiny little dude knows all the lyrics.
“Which is your favorite princess?”
He bounces in his seat with delight. “Aurora! An’ then Rapunzel. N’ then I really like Tiana because she makes all the pretty food!”
I laugh a little because this little guy honestly just keeps getting cuter. “Do you love the moment in Sleeping Beauty where the cake ends up all those different colours?”
“Yes!” he squeals delightedly and I have to shush him a little when I notice a couple of the other families glaring at us. “An’ in tangled she paints her whole room! I wanna paint my room like that.”
“Well maybe I can help you,” I find myself saying. I want to bite my tongue the second the words are out of my mouth. Whatever is going on with Jess and I it’s not fair to get a little kid’s hopes up that I’m going to go on being involved in their lives once all of this is over.
I mean I’m pretty sure I want to be. The idea of never seeing either of my cuties again makes my chest feel funny. But Jess might not be up for dating a disaster like me and that’s if I can figure out what dating is all about. I’ve never really properly dated anyone in my life.
Alex is looking at me as though I hung the stars and I feel a little bubble of pride mixed in with my anxiety. No one has ever looked at me like that before. “Really?”
“Sure, if your aunt is okay with it!” I decide that even if Jess and I don’t mak
e it past the cruise I’m going to totally renovate this kid’s room into a complete replica of Rapunzel’s if it costs me a fortune. “Now I’m wondering if you can help me with a big surprise I’m working on.”
His eyes get big. “Is it a secrit?”
“Yeah, it’s a secret!” I don’t know what I’m talking about, but I feel like I should do something real for Jess to show her that there’s a sincere bone in my body and I have no idea how to start. “It’s a surprise for your Aunt Jess. Can you tell me what kind of things she likes? I want to make sure it’s a really good surprise.”
His adorable little face scrunches in confusion. “She’s a grown up. She likes cereal and getting up on time and making sanwiches. Oh! An’ knowing where the keys are!”
I smother a laugh. “Okay, well you’ve been living with her for a little time now, right? Tell me a bit about what your home is like, I might be able to get some ideas from that.”
One of the mothers behind us nudges me and hisses another shh in our direction so seeing that Alex is distracted from the film for now I usher him back out to the seating area outside the cinema and buy us two ridiculously sizes sodas and a large bucket of popcorn.
“You’re not meant to talk during a movie, Ashley,” Alex tells me when I come back, his eyes round with tiny disapproval.
“Yeah, I’m sorry kid. I was just so excited about surprising your aunty. Do you mind if we talk out here for a little before we go back in?”
He shakes his head and the cup of soda nearly dwarfs him. I make a mental note to make sure he doesn’t drink it all and replace the blood in his body with straight up sugar.
“So what’s Aunt Jess’s house like?”
“It’s nice!” Alex says enthusiastically. “It’s clean an’ smells good. Aunt Jess makes sure we put things away after we use them and I think that’s really smart of her. She’s always sad about things like phones and eletricty.” He stumbles over the word.