“Oh, yes I did.”
“Zip, is there anything you don’t screw up?” Frankie said as he reached the top of the stairs.
Ouch.
CHAPTER 16
BEFORE I COULD SAY ANYTHING MORE, we were outside our classroom. Ms. Adolf was waiting by the door.
Some teachers say good morning when you come in. Some even read you a chapter of a story before you get to work. But not Ms. Adolf. No, she believes in getting right down to business.
As soon as the bell rang, she took off the silver key she wears on a lanyard around her neck and unlocked her desk drawer. Inside that drawer is where she keeps her roll book, which is her favorite thing in the world. Ms. Adolf took out her roll book, a red pencil, and—you guessed it-got right down to business.
“Pupils,” she said. “Today your science project topics are due. Who would like to go first?”
Heather Payne’s hand shot up in the air.
“Me! Me!” She begged. She waved her hand right under Ms. Adolf’s nose and grunted “Me! Me!” another seven or eight times. Heather can’t stand it if she doesn’t go first. I bet there’s someone like that in your class, too.
Heather said for her project she would be taking photographs to show the effects of regular flossing on gum disease. Personally, I’d rather repeat fourth grade twenty times than take pictures of gum disease. But I guess that’s why Heather Payne got straight As on her last report card and I got four Ds.
Hector Ruiz said he was going to build a rain forest out of toothpicks, plastic flowers, and real leaves. Kim Paulson was studying fingernail polish and its drying time in various climates. Ms. Adolf raised an eyebrow, but agreed to it when Kim explained how she planned to relate nail polish drying to the evaporation cycle. Frankie was going to build a radio from a kit he sent away for from an ad in Popular Electronics. Ashley was planning to make a model of the human kidney from kitchen sponges. Luke Whitman was going to do his project on tarantulas. He owns one named Mel. Mel has very hairy legs.
Then came my turn.
“Originally, I was going to study the tummy sliding habits of penguins,” I began, “because penguins look so extremely cute when they slide on their stomachs.”
Everyone in the class laughed, even though I was totally serious.
“However, I’ve changed my mind,” I went on.
“That was a wise decision, Henry,” said Ms. Adolf. She always calls me Henry, even though I’ve begged her to call me Hank. Ms. Adolf doesn’ t approve of nicknames.
“I plan to invent a device that will help slow readers follow the written words on the television screen as they speed along their merry way.”
I paused to let the full, wonderful effect of my idea seep into Ms. Adolf’s brain.
“What are you talking about, Henry?” she sighed.
“I’m getting to that,” I said, trying not to panic.
“Please hurry.”
“Remember Thomas Edison?” I said, talking fast now. “He invented the lightbulb. Why? Because he probably couldn’t see well enough to read in the dark and if he had moved closer to the candle, he might have set his hair on fire.”
Ms. Adolf tapped her foot impatiently. She was wearing gray shoes to match the gray clothes she always wears, which match her gray face. “Henry, what is your point?”
“My point is that the best inventions happen out of need. And I really, really, really need to be able to read what’s on the program guide on television.”
“What you need is a brain that works!” hollered Nick the Tick from the back of the room.
“He’s laughing now, Ms. Adolf,” I said, “but when I’m a famous inventor, he’ll be wishing he was me. Challenged readers around the globe will be chanting my name.”
With that, Luke Whitman started to chant. It doesn’t take much to get Luke started.
“ZIP-ZER! ZIP-ZER! ZIP-ZER!”
Ryan Shimazato joined in and so did his pals Ricky and Justin. They did everything he did.
“ZIP-ZER! ZIP-ZER! ZIP-ZER!”
Then Kim Paulson and Katie Sperling and Hector Ruiz started to chant. Ashley piped up and Frankie did, too. Even Heather Payne got on board. Pretty soon, the entire class except for—you got it—McKelty the Pelty was chanting my name.
“ZIP-ZER! ZIP-ZER! ZIP-ZER!”
I had told Ms. Adolf that one day my invention was going to make the Zipzer name famous. See, it was starting already.
CHAPTER 17
FRANKIE KEPT TO HIMSELF the rest of the day. He was still ignoring me when his mom came to school to walk us home. She teaches yoga, so she’s really good at sensing when people are stressed.
“I’m feeling a negative energy flow,” she said.
No kidding.
I was deep in thought. The way I figured it, I had Plan A and Plan B. For Plan A, I would buy a new cable box. But since I didn’t have the money or the time to earn it, I moved on to Plan B. Plan B meant I had to rebuild the cable box in two hours without Frankie’s help. That was-n’ t much more likely to happen than Plan A, but it was the only hope I had.
Ashley was working on blowing spit bubbles and launching them into the air, which kept her tongue too busy to talk. Ashley is always working on a new body trick to add to her collection, which includes tying a cherry stem into a knot using only her tongue and wiggling her eyebrows and ears at the same time.
“Maybe we should do some anti-stress breathing as we walk,” Mrs. Townsend suggested.
So all the way down 78th Street and across Amsterdam Avenue we took deep deep breaths in through our noses and exhaled our stress out through our mouths. A couple of times I choked on the taxi fumes and by the time we got to our building, I was feeling a little light-headed.
“Don’t forget the emergency meeting,” I whispered to Ashley and Frankie as we got into the elevator. “Four o’clock in the clubhouse.”
“I’ll be there,” answered Robert. That kid has hearing like a bat.
“I need you there,” I said to Frankie.
He got out on his floor without saying a word.
A few minutes before four, I rode the elevator down to the basement and was waiting at the clubhouse at four o’clock sharp. I sat down on one of Mrs. Fink’s cardboard boxes. This one was labeled LONG UNDERWEAR. When I saw that, I jumped up and decided I’d rather stand.
Ashley arrived next. She had changed out of her school clothes and was wearing a hat that said THINKING CAP across the front in pink rhinestones. She glued the rhinestones on herself, like she does on most of her clothes.
“I’ve got my thinking cap on,” she said proudly.
“That’s good, Ash. I’m going to need all the thoughts I can get.”
I heard footsteps coming down the hall. I was hoping it would be Frankie, but it turned out to be Robert. He had changed out of his school clothes, too, which meant he still had on his white starchy shirt but had taken his tie off. Robert goes casual.
We waited for five minutes more. Frankie still wasn’t there.
“I guess he’s not coming,” Ashley said. She sounded truly sad.
I wondered how Frankie could let me down like this in my time of need? Then I realized that I had let him down, too.
I had to face the fact that Frankie wasn’t going to be there.
“The purpose of this meeting,” I began, “is to see if we can find a way to rebuild my cable box before my dad finds out I took it apart and takes away my television privileges for life. Does anyone have any ideas?”
“I do,” said a voice from out in the hall.
I didn’t need to even look. I’d know that voice in my sleep.
Frankie Townsend, are you a hero or what!!
I tried not to scream and yell and jump up and slap him on the back two thousand times.
“Man, am I glad to see you!” I said to Frankie. I have never spoken seven words I meant more.
“You got a screwdriver, Mr. Fix It?” Frankie asked.
“A whole box of them.”
“
Then what are you waiting for?” he said.
“You,” I answered. “I was waiting for you.”
CHAPTER 18
WE DIDN’T HAVE MUCH TIME, but with Frankie back on the team, at least there was hope. We raced into the elevator and headed for my apartment.
“Thanks for showing up,” I said to him as we watched the floor numbers change above the elevator doors.
“I owed it to you,” said Frankie.
“Why?”
“I realized you got yourself into this mess for me. That’s why you took that cable box apart-because you felt bad about screwing up the movie, and you never wanted that to happen again. Am I right?”
“Yeah,” I said. “And now look. I’ve screwed up again. Hank Zipzer, world’s greatest screw-up.”
“But we love you anyway,” Ashley said.
“Speak for yourself, Ashweena,” Frankie said with a laugh.
When we walked into my apartment, my dad and Emily were crawling around the floor on their hands and knees. They were looking under all the furniture and in back of the book-cases.
“We have a problem,” Emily said. “Katherine is missing again.”
“So what’s the problem?” I asked.
“That is so not funny, Hank,” said Emily. “I’m worried.”
“Maybe you just nuzzled her one time too many,” I said.
“Hank, this is important to Emily,” my dad said. “Not everything’s a joke.”
“You’re right, Dad,” I said. “Emily, I’m very sorry you have a missing iguana. Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to my room. Come on, guys.”
We headed for my bedroom-everyone except Robert, that is.
“I’d help you look for her, but I’m allergic to dust,” Robert said to Emily. “Actually, it’s not the dust I’m allergic to, but the dust mites. They’re tiny bugs that infect my sinus cavities causing green mucus.”
“Robert, my man,” Frankie said. “You’re grossing us out.”
“I don’t mind hearing about it,” said Emily. “I get sinus congestion, too.”
I tell you, Robert and Emily were made for each other. Two nose-blowing, iguana-loving peas in a pod.
Robert followed us into my bedroom and closed the door. By then, I had pulled open the top drawer and was showing Frankie the pieces of the cable box. Frankie picked up two of the circuit boards. He laid them next to each other on the desktop, and moved them around until they clicked into place. Then he did the same thing with two more pieces and attached a couple of wires.
I had moved those pieces around for hours, and nothing had happened.
“This isn’t so bad, Zip,” Frankie said. “I think old Humpty Dumpty can put this baby back together again.”
Frankie sat down at my desk to work. Ashley and I handed him the pieces one by one, and he put them together. Robert was his assistant, and I have to admit, he did a pretty good job.
We were halfway finished assembling the box when I heard the door to my room being pushed open. I must not have closed it all the way.
“Emily,” I said, without looking up. “The sign says PRIVATE.”
“That’s not Emily,” Robert said. His voice sounded strange, kind of freaked out.
I looked over toward the entrance and couldn’t believe my eyes. A pair of my father’s boxer shorts was opening the door and walking into my room. The underpants crossed my bedroom floor and disappeared under my bed.
“Did you guys see what I saw?” Ashley said.
“Mutant underwear,” said Frankie. “It had legs.”
I scrunched down and looked under my bed. There were the underpants, lying inside the plastic shell of the cable box. Surrounding my father’s boxers were a bunch of other objects-three cotton balls, one of my mom’s furry slippers, a whole bunch of crumpled-up toilet paper, and, I hate to say it, a pair of tightywhitey Ninja underpants that had once belonged to yours truly.
I stuck my hand under the bed and tried to pull out the cable box so I could get a closer look. No sooner had I touched the box than a loud hissing filled the room. It was coming from my father’s boxers! I am not kidding. His underpants were hissing.
A long gray tongue shot out from one of the leg holes of the boxers.
“They’re alive!” Ashley screamed.
The tongue disappeared, then a snout came out, followed by a lizardy face.
“Katherine!” I said. “What are you doing in there?”
Katherine tossed the boxers off her head, and started pushing them under her body where the other soft objects were.
I reached out for Katherine, and she hissed at me like I was her worst enemy.
“What’s wrong with you?” I asked.
“I’ll get Emily,” Ashley said. “She’ll know.”
Ashley returned in a second with Emily.
“Close the door so Dad won’t come in,” I told Emily.
I was standing in front of the cable box. I didn’t want Emily to see what was going on until I could prepare her for the sight.
“I have good news and bad news,” I said to Emily. “The good news is we found Katherine. The bad news is ... we found Katherine.”
“Let me see her,” Emily demanded. I stepped aside. She looked at Katherine, who was sitting in the cable box on top of the pile of underwear, cotton balls, slippers, and toilet paper. Emily stared at Katherine for a long while, and I couldn’t tell if she was going to laugh or cry. Then she broke into a huge smile.
“Do you know what this means?” she asked me.
“Yes,” I said. “Your lizard is having a nervous breakdown.”
“Katherine is trying to tell us something,” Emily said.
“What? That she wants to wear men’s underwear?”
“No, silly,” said Emily. “I think Katherine is building a nest. For her babies.”
I thought for sure my head was going to blow right off.
“Oh no she isn’t! No babies. Not in my cable box!” I said, getting a little panicked.
“Hank, you’re going to be a big brother.” Emily was practically crying with joy. “And I’m going to be a big sister, aren’t I, Kathy?” She reached out to give Katherine a nuzzle. Katherine hissed and showed her teeth, which should teach Emily to never touch an iguana in underpants.
“She’s going to be such a good mama,” Emily said.
“I want that lizard out of that box,” I said. “As a matter of fact, out of my room. Come on, Katherine. You’re going bye-bye.”
I reached for Katherine. She was just going to have to find another place to be pregnant. But when my hand got close to her, she hissed at me louder than before. That iguana meant business.
“She can’t be moved,” said Emily. “She might even attack you.”
“Emily’s right,” said Ashley. “I’ve read that you can never come between a mother and her babies.”
“Well, everybody listen up,” I said. “I DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT want a baby iguana hatching in my room!”
“You’re not going to have one iguana,” said Robert. “Iguanas lay between eighteen and forty-five eggs at a time.”
I thought my ears were playing tricks on me. “Robert. Are you telling me that Katherine could have forty-five baby iguanas tucked away in those underpants?” I asked.
“Yes,” said Robert.
“Isn’t it a miracle?” said Emily.
A miracle? Had she lost whatever little bit of a mind she once had?
This was no miracle. This was a disaster.
CHAPTER 19
LET’S ALL AGREE right now that I am a total knucklehead. I had caused a problem the size of Australia, and as far as I could see, there was no solution. I mean, how do you get a hissing, pregnant iguana out of your cable box?
We sat in my room discussing the problem, and we all came up with the same answer. You cannot get a pregnant iguana out of your cable box. Never has been done. Never will be done.
So we had to move to Plan B, which was formerly known as Plan A.
Since Katherine was going to stay in the cable box to hatch her eggs, which, by the way, takes ninety days, the only solution was to get a new cable box. We would have to do this before my dad found out that I had trashed ours. Magik 3’s job was to help me get the box, and Emily’s job was to keep her mouth shut about it.
I stared at Katherine curled up in her nest, and wondered about two questions. How do iguanas get pregnant anyway? And why do these kinds of strange things always happen to me?
“Zip, snap out of it, will you, dude? We don’t have time to daydream,” Frankie yelled almost in my ear.
“I’m not daydreaming. I’m day nightmaring.” I answered.
“Did you hear what we said?” said Ashley. “We have to get the cable company’s number before they close.”
“Maybe they can deliver a new box right away,” Frankie said.
I looked at my watch. It was five thirty. One hour until my dad would be turning on the nightly news. I sped out of my bedroom and slid down the hallway linoleum around the corner into the kitchen. It’s good to know you can still have fun even in very bad situations.
My mom keeps all the important numbers and business cards taped to the kitchen wall, which is canary yellow, by the way. There are notes with scribbled numbers all around the phone. Because I was so stressed, I couldn’t focus. All the cards and Post-Its with numbers started to blur. One of them had the number of the cable company, but I couldn’t tell which one. I couldn’t find it in the sea of cards.
“Here, you guys look,” I said, rubbing my eyes.
“Let me do it,” said Robert, moving Ashley aside. “I’m the calmest.”
“You’re also the shortest, Robert,” Frankie said. “Ashweena, you take that part of the wall and I’ll look on this side.”
“Here it is! Here it is!” Ashley screamed.
My heart started to beat really fast. How can you be so happy just finding a phone number? When your life, social and otherwise, depends on it, that’s how.
“No, no. This is a cable-knit sweater company,” she said. “Sorry, guys. Keep looking.”
As always, Frankie was the man. He took a bright green card down from the wall.
The Day of the Iguana Page 6